Replaying my life over, and over

LegacyUser

I was sitting at home all evening listening to music. A mixture of pop and rock songs from the '80s and '90s, film scores, trad, all my favourite stuff. Every single piece of music brings me back to a very specific moment in my life, it might be a very formative moment, like the time I moved out of my parents, to something as simple as an evening working in a job I once had many years ago.

I am inclined to dwell very much in the past. My life hasn't been great. I often feel I have been invisible, watching the world pass me by but not partaking. This was born out of great shyness and fear of people when I was younger. I hated school, I hated work, I hated socialising, I hated people. I had my hobbies, and I buried myself in them, never more content than when shut in my room, away from people, listening to music and living in my own little fantasy world of whatever hobby I was amusing myself with, where none of the ills of the world could penetrate.

So the years passed, and as long as I kept myself shut up as much as possible, I was content, or thought I was. I got older, grew up I suppose. The fear and shyness has gone, to be replaced by a kind of bewilderment. It's like I was in prison for thirty nine years, and have just walked out the prison gate, with my pack under my arm, blinking into the blazing sunshine of the real outside world. And I don't know which way to turn.

I am incredibly lonely. I have no real friends, a few passing acquaintances. I have a mundane, lowly paid job, which has been reduced to part time due to the recession. I am deeply in debt over something which didn't work out a few years ago. I owe €30,000, and every single cent I earn in work goes straight into paying off crippling interest on that loan. It barely even knocks anything off the principal. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I have no expendible money except a few shillings I bleed off simply to feed myself.

A date would be out of the question, I mean any girl would reasonably expect the odd trip to the pictures, a meal, even a bag of chips on a Friday night. Even that is out of my range. So I just don't bother. To be honest, I am embarrassed to tell a girl I have no money at all, and can't afford to do anything with her. To be even more honest, I'm not really bothered to do anything much anyway.

You see I have lost interest in everything. My hobbies are no more. What used to be my sole outlet from my misery is gone, as over the years, my interests waned, to be replaced with nothing. Where before, I would occupy myself in contented seclusion, now I just sit and listen to music and remember the past, a past which wasn't great, but was better than the loneliness and dejection of today.

I'd love to walk away from it all. Fly off and land in a different country. Leave my debts behind, somehow wave a magic wand and start from scratch. I know I can't do that. But I have nothing here. I can't get work outside this part time job, with hours all over the place, so that I cannot commit to anything else. I have no qualifications in anything. I considered returning to college, I have a good brain. But I cannot study. I tried before, and it wasn't for me. I can't afford to take years out to study anyway. I have fecked up, and am paying the price. I don't mind that, I will continue to work and chip away at the debts. One day they'll be gone. But the real problem is this huge void in my life. I have no interest in anything. Can't see the point of this life I am living. I contribute nothing to the world, do nothing, feel nothing. I'd love the company of a girl, but in my present state of mind, am no prospect for anyone. I need to sort myself out first. But the rut is too deep. I am existing, not living. The years have done a lot of damage.

I don't know whether the crippling financial problem is ruining me, or whether there is still a strain of the fear there. I don't know whether a girlfriend would lift my spirits, or whether the problem is within me, deeper. I don't know whether living somewhere else would help, or whether there is anything I could involve myself in that would reignite a sense of interest, a sense of belonging, a sense of living. I have been attending a counsellor, which has helped, but the result of which has been my realising just how deep the gulf in my life is. I have looked into what I thought was a hole, and realised with fright that there is an abyss there. I need something, one thing positive, to give me a sense of living a life, rather than just existing as a weed exists, for no good purpose.

Kevster

You're in a situation where so many people have been before, but there are positives that I'm getting from your tone that would not be apparent in other people. Firstly, I will say this: The circumstances that you are in would be enough to push some people over the 'edge', but you are willing to fight on - that's the first positive.

The second positive is that you are clearly intelligent, because most people around here cannot seem to structure their posts too well, and/or they use terrible English. So - yeh - I know that you're not as dumb as most around here. For example, you have listed many problems and know what they are. Some people would be just so overwhelmed at everythingn that are facing, and would just 'cave-in' (like I've already implied).

However, one thing that I believe WILL help you is to focus on just one problem at a time. As you focus on this one problem, jyst let all of the others take their natiral course, like letting them 'simmer' in the background. Slo, the past really is something that can't be changed, so it's best to just regard it as having never happened. Your eyes and mind should only be looking forward, because you still have lots to achieve in your life - I know you do. Your logical brain should see you throuhg okay, eventually, but for now I suggest talking about your problems as much as you can to people, including doctors, counsellors, or even just here if you so wish.

Take care,
Kevin