Feeling used

LegacyUser

I have quite a wide circle of friends from my work and theres one guy in particular I like a lot. He used to work with us but he left last year. I always fancied him but he had a girlfriend at the time. Well a few months ago I invited him to my birthday party, he came, we had a great night and we got drunk and ended up scoring. We went back to mine with a few other friends and kept drinking and playing cards. It got late and we ended up going into my bedroom (just me and the guy!). He did say before we did anything that it would just be that night and he didn't want to be more than friends but at the time I wasnt really paying attention. I guess I thought he was just saying that as he seemed really into me. We ended up fooling around (oral etc) for a few hours, he didnt want to have sex and said he didnt have a condom. He left the next morning to visit friends, then a few days later i suggested meeting up for lunch. He came along and I said what a good time id had and suggested doing it again but he wasnt interested. I basically asked him to come to mine again but he said no. I texted him a few times but he just replied like a friend, not even too friendly.
I found out recently he has a new girlfriend, and he was interested in that girl at the time he was with me, in fact he invited her to my birthday thing but she was up at her parents house for the weekend. It makes me feel a bit sh*tty that he obviously hoped to be with her, but he made do with me, I feel a bit of an idiot. I had no idea about that at the time and now I feel quite used. am i right to be angry with him?

iguana

feelused wrote: »

am i right to be angry with him?

No, he made it clear that he wasn't looking for anything more than that night. And I think it was actually fairly respectful of him to accept your lunch invite a few days later, it shows he values you as a friend and didn't want things to be awkward.

You are disappointed, that's understandable, you fancy him and had hoped this was the start of something. He didn't do anything wrong, if you are feeling angry it's probably because deep down you are mad at yourself for not really listening when he made his intentions clear.

LegacyUser

Well yes he did say that but i really thought it was something he was just saying as he seemed quite into me! I didnt think he'd have done stuff otherwise, maybe I was being a bit naive?! I had no idea about this other girl or that she'd been invited, now i feel like he only wanted to be with me cos I was enthusiastic about scoring him so it was handy, if she'd been there he probably wouldnt have looked at me twice!

opinion guy

Well yes he did say that but i really thought it was something he was just saying as he seemed quite into me!

Eh why ? Guys don't tell girls they are into that they only want a one night thing. I'm sorry your hurting but I think you were kidding yourself with this. Learn from it!

LegacyUser

Well I had no idea he was interested in someone, i thought he was totally single and playing the field. I think it is a bit dishonest of him not to have mentioned this girl, especially as he was planning to bring her to my party.

Sinall

You are probably more angry with yourself, deep down, than you are with him. He was completely upfront with you - whether you chose to believe what he said is your own issue. You were deceiving yourself, but hey, we've all been there!

You can't be angry with him for liking somebody else, that's his own personal choice. You might be stung and hurt but he's honestly not in the wrong.

Terodil

He was completely fair and honest with you. Given that it was a purely NSA thing -- he told you so and you agreed by taking it further --, he had absolutely no business telling you about his love interest. And you have absolutely NO right to want to know about it either.

Sorry to be a bit frank here but after two people saying the same thing and you still going on about it, let me be frank: You're being a bit silly. You shouldn't be messing in NSA territory if you can't take it.

(I would not be able to either but that's why I never got into it.)

minidazzler

feelused wrote: »

Well I had no idea he was interested in someone, i thought he was totally single and playing the field. I think it is a bit dishonest of him not to have mentioned this girl, especially as he was planning to bring her to my party.

People in general are almost always interested in other people.

Can you honestly say you have NEVER scored a guy when you were interested in another guy?

Your friend did everything right, he warned you first and you still went along with it because you thought if ye do anything he might enjoy it enough to come back. You were wrong and I feel sorry for you and I can empathise, but you are also wrong to be angry with him.

You were not in anyway used or manipulated, he didn't lie about anything, An omission is not a lie. He sounds like he was not serious at all with that girl at the time, so it is OK what he did IMO.

Best idea would be to move on, he is not interested in you as anything more than a friend, that is unlikely to change.

Even if that girl didn't exist he made it crystal clear that it was a one time deal, this is more than what most guys do. He sounds like a decent guy, so be friends with him by all means, but don't force the issue, it will only make him uncomfortable and drive a wedge.

Curvy Vixen

feelused wrote: »

He did say before we did anything that it would just be that night and he didn't want to be more than friends but at the time I wasnt really paying attention.

he didnt want to have sex and said he didnt have a condom.

Well he was single and playing the field. He didn't have a girlfriend when he attended your party.

I think the parts that I took from your OP above tell you everything you need to know. Women are constantly on here saying 'oh he made out he liked me, shagged me then left me after one night.' This guy said up front that it would be a one night stand, he then actually didn't even want to have sex with you and instead of just doing the deed and then running he showed you some respect by not using you.

It's yourself you should be angry with, for not listening to him, having oral with him and then blaming him for it not turning out the way you wanted it to!

And next time, have enough respect for yourself and don't try to force/encourage/whatever a man to have sex with you after he has said no, he's not interested.

Sarah**

Its never easy when this happens.

he was honest with you and because you liked him and he accepted your invite to the birthday you thought there was more to it. You must also acknowledge that you have had the past year to think about it and the situation and you - like most girls - built him up to be much more than he was.

When he went back to yours and told you straight up he was not interested in anything other than what it was you simply chose to ignore that. Its what we do best - if I ignore it or rationalise it then he didnt say it or he didnt mean it.... Truth is - Men are simply straight forward. They say what the mean and generally if they dont say it they arnt thinking it.

So when he said this is one night thing - it was just that a one night thing. When he said I'll meet you for lunch - it was ill meet you for lunch - he was probably hungry. You know? He wasnt thinking Ill go for lunch and hopefully she'll ask me back to hers and maybe this could be the start of something. He thought ( And being a girl - maybe im wrong here but I have learned from an experience like this) I told her it was a one night thing so this is just mates meeting for lunch... she knows that.

Also - How many times have you been interested in somebody - but they havent called or text or its nothing serious just a few dates and you are out and drunk and someone is chatting you up - dont tell me you wouldnt score them because you are kind of seeing someone??

He played by the rules in his mind - he was honest and up front and reckons your a mate.

Sorry OP but he was honest with you and some guys are like that, It happened to me - we fooled around few weeks later he had a girlfriend who he ended up being with for two years.

Just the way the cookie crumbles - BUT please maintain your dignity and dont contact him again unless it is completely mates! And dont pretend to be his mate if you cant be - feelings always surface - esp with a few drinks and itchy texting fingers!

iguana

feelused wrote: »

Well I had no idea he was interested in someone, i thought he was totally single and playing the field. I think it is a bit dishonest of him not to have mentioned this girl, especially as he was planning to bring her to my party.

From your OP it seems you have liked this guy for a very, very long time. In all the time you have liked him have you never been with anyone else?

LegacyUser

Yes I have, but that's not really the same situation. He obviously didn't like me that much, he liked the other girl and was with me. Maybe this was all my own fault, maybe I was too easy. I must have mistaken his friendly flirting for something more. He was being very touchy feely and telling me how great I looked and I thought there might be something there. He did stay with me all night even though he was supposed to be going somewhere the next morning. Maybe I was just deluded.

jmbkay

Put it down to experience. You're hurting because you let him use you. There's a saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". Don't beat yourself up over this, move on and the best of luck.

opinion guy

jmbkay wrote: »

Put it down to experience. You're hurting because you let him use you. There's a saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". Don't beat yourself up over this, move on and the best of luck.

I don't really think thats fair. OP said it herself:

He did say before we did anything that it would just be that night and he didn't want to be more than friends but at the time I wasnt really paying attention.

OP kinda kidded herself. So i don't really think he was unfair to her. OP I know its a hard situation for you, but really I think its a situation to ask - 'what did i get wrong here', think about it a little bit and move on. C'mon you more or less said it yourself - you let your wishful thinking override what he said.

As to him liking someone else. hmmm i think you half have a point there. He might have said that to you all right. but i also think that he's not really under any obligation to tell you who he likes or not at any given time. so perhaps there's an element of opportunism on his part, but i do think that fact that he told you he wasn't up for a anything more than one night was honest and upfront from him. ALOT of blokes would have just gone and slept with you without saying anything and still gone off with the other girl after (I mean would this not have been worse ?). Sounds like he was checking you knew the score before hand as he didn't want to hurt you or use you. but alls you can do is ask yourself why you weren't "really paying attention" and try not to make the same mistake again!

iguana

feelused wrote: »

Yes I have, but that's not really the same situation. He obviously didn't like me that much, he liked the other girl and was with me.

It's exactly the same situation. You liked him a lot but were with other guys. He liked this other girl a lot but was with you. What about that is not exactly the same?

And yes OP you were deluded. He told you he was only interested in a one night thing and just wanted to be friends. You ignored what he said and chose to believe that what he really meant was "I'm so into you!" That is most certainly deluded. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you need to get a grip. Guys don't say they only want a ons when they are deeply into you. Learn from this, and actually learn from this - stop trying to twist it around, and move on.

ash23

It happens unfortunately. I think you are less annoyed at him and more embarassed and hurt and annoyed with yourself. I'm also betting that you are thinking that if you'd handled it differently (not been drunk, not fooled around with him) that things would have been different. We've all been there my friend!!

Thing is, he was pretty up front with you. He was honest and it wasn't what you wanted to hear so you ignored it. Or maybe you thought "what the hell, I'll do it anyway" because you were so mad about him.

Take only the positives from it. Ok, so he's not mad about you. But you got him The guy you have been crazy about for ages and you pulled him. Go girl. It might not have worked out the way you wanted it to but at least you know you've got it. So go on out there and meet other boys, better ones, who will be mad about you and who will leave you feeling like you're on cloud 9 instead of down in the dumps.

He's moved on from this so you need to aswell. No calling him, no meeting him for lunch, no texting him. Leave him be and chalk it up to experience.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

Take only the positives from it. Ok, so he's not mad about you. But you got him The guy you have been crazy about for ages and you pulled him. Go girl. It might not have worked out the way you wanted it to but at least you know you've got it.

That's a positive? A guy she liked only shagged her because the girl he really wanted to be with was otherwise occupied? The girl he's now going out with? Not to mention he even told her at the time that he wasn't interested. Eeeek. It isn't much of an achievement for someone to sleep with you when you're offering a night of no strings sex, and I don't mean that in a harsh way. If it were me, I'd chalk it up to a hard lesson learned and in future, either accept that this kind of thing really is no strings, and not hope for more, or hold off on the sex until I was sure it was going somewhere. Because this sort of thing is only ever going to end up with feelings hurt and egos bruised.

ash23

That's a positive? A guy she liked only shagged her because the girl he really wanted to be with was otherwise occupied? The girl he's now going out with? Not to mention he even told her at the time that he wasn't interested. Eeeek. It isn't much of an achievement for someone to sleep with you when you're offering a night of no strings sex

Well I guess she could sit around all day beating herself up about it. Personally I prefer not to dwell on the bad side. One of those "always look on the bright side of life" types.

I had a similar experience to the OP and instead of giving myself 20 kashes for the dubious moral struggle I was having about casual sex, I instead decided to accept that this guy had wanted me. And not just for sex as there was a long way between making out and me asking him to mine.

Ok, he didn't want me as his life partner but hey, I'm attractive enough to be desirable.