Cheated on..

LegacyUser

I have just found out my partner of 5+ years cheated on me on a night out with work. I don't know how far it went- he works away from home and is being evasive with the "details". I only found out since his collegue texted my phone (thinking it was his as he rarely has credit and uses mine to text people a lot) and ask about what happened with the the "bird" and (jokingly- f*cker) "what you gonna tell the missus!?" He denied it at first for a few days and then admitted something happened and he regreted it. He seems to think that I owe him a chance, and it is MY decision to throw away what we have. We have talked about marriage and babies and we to buy a house next year. He thinks it was a drunken mistake and our future should not be affected by it, we can work through it etc.. and if it is it was my decision. I think his action have decided to end it. I am hurt but more really really angry.
He is trying to blame me saying that if I loved him as much as he loves me that I would give us a chance but to be honest the minute I found out I never wanted to see him again. I actually feel like I hate him.
I believe HE ruined what we had and that, drunk or not, it was on some level a decision that he made to sacrifice our relationship. I have packed his stuff and told him to colllect it when I am not there.
He has emailed me (i no longer answer his calls) to say I am over reacting. Is this true- please anyone who has been in this situation or know someone who has answer me. He says his family are upset as they like me but I say I have no problem with them. He just emailed me asking how I could sacrifice our whole future over a mistake.
I always hear about people taking their partner back after infidelty and working on their relationship but I feel no desire to....should I?? If someone cheats on you should you hate them but take them back regardless to work on it? I don't understand how I feel... I always thought if this happened I would still love them, but that has evaporated totally...I just want him out of my life. Is this normal? Will I regret it?

Wagon

sad girl wrote: »

I have just found out my partner of 5+ years cheated on me on a night out with work. I don't know how far it went- he works away from home and is being evasive with the "details". I only found out since his collegue texted my phone (thinking it was his as he rarely has credit and uses mine to text people a lot) and ask about what happened with the the "bird" and (jokingly- f*cker) "what you gonna tell the missus!?" He denied it at first for a few days and then admitted something happened and he regreted it. He seems to think that I owe him a chance, and it is MY decision to throw away what we have. We have talked about marriage and babies and we to buy a house next year. He thinks it was a drunken mistake and our future should not be affected by it, we can work through it etc.. and if it is it was my decision. I think his action have decided to end it. I am hurt but more really really angry.
He is trying to blame me saying that if I loved him as much as he loves me that I would give us a chance but to be honest the minute I found out I never wanted to see him again. I actually feel like I hate him.
I believe HE ruined what we had and that, drunk or not, it was on some level a decision that he made to sacrifice our relationship. I have packed his stuff and told him to colllect it when I am not there.
He has emailed me (i no longer answer his calls) to say I am over reacting. Is this true- please anyone who has been in this situation or know someone who has answer me.

The fúcker is trying to make you feel guilty. No you aren't over reacting. I'd be the exact same.

He says his family are upset as they like me but I say I have no problem with them. He just emailed me asking how I could sacrifice our whole future over a mistake.

Dump him. It's not just the cheating, it's the way he's making it seem like your fault is completely out of line. It's his fault and a man can admit their mistakes. He's a complete bóllocks.

I always hear about people taking their partner back after infidelty and working on their relationship but I feel no desire to....should I??

No!

If someone cheats on you should you hate them but take them back regardless to work on it?

No, because if you hate them why would you want to make it work?

I don't understand how I feel... I always thought if this happened I would still love them, but that has evaporated totally...I just want him out of my life.

Then get rid of him. There's far better out there, like one's who arent complete ****.

Is this normal? Will I regret it?

Just to summerise: he cheated, he didn't tell you, you find out my chance from one of his mates, he eventually admitted (after you asking for days on end) and then says that you're the one throwing away the future of you two.

Somehow, i don't think you will.

SheRa

Im sorry to hear that OP:(.

You know if he was really apologetic it'd be one thing, but he denied it for a few days and he sounds like he is trying to turn the tables on you by blaming you for the split! I have to say it sounds like he isn't taking any responsibility for his actions. No wonder you dont feel like even working on the relationship.

LegacyUser

hello OP,
you poor thing. You are not being unreasonable at all! he is, and it is just awful that he is trying to make you feel guilty for being the one to break up.
i think you need to stay strong for the time being, kick him out, and try your best to pick up the pieces. it is good that you're not married with kids. In time, you will work out how you feel, how he feels and if you want to work it out. at the moment it sounds like you'd be better off without...
Good Luck!

Drunken cheating on its own is one thing. That, you could possibly get over.
What really seals the deal here is that 1/ he lied to you repeatedly 2/ he's trying to make YOU feel guilty for what HE did 3/ he's in no way apologetic and seems to feel entitled to cheat.

All of the above is why you should kick him out. If he doesn't think anything is wrong with drunken cheating and lying and trying to "deal" with it by evading any responsibility... duno about you, but that's not a partner I could ever trust.

Taltos

SheRa wrote: »

Im sorry to hear that OP:(.

You know if he was really apologetic it'd be one thing, but he denied it for a few days and he sounds like he is trying to turn the tables on you by blaming you for the split! I have to say it sounds like he isn't taking any responsibility for his actions. No wonder you dont feel like even working on the relationship.

+1
He might have a point but for one (well one other thing)
> he has still not opened up to you about what happened....

That to me is a clear sign of how much he trusts you to make the right decision.
You know I can understand
> not wanting to admit it
> trying to be evasive.

BUT if he insisted on not telling you and is now trying to emotionally blackmail you....
Next time he says this is your choice just calmly reply
"Actually no - you made the choice for us both. I am just following through on YOUR decision that we were finished".

Sorry that this has happened.
5 yrs is a lot to throw away - maybe ask him to be totally honest with you so that you can properly decide - right now you're limited by his lack of info (read trust).

I saw family member go thru something similar. Was told after that if her OH had just fessed up and been totally honest and clearly sorry then maybe - just maybe things would have been different.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

he eventually admitted (after you asking for days on end) and then says that you're the one throwing away the future of you two.

I'm not as forceful in my opinion as oul Wagon there:) but I agree completely with this point. Him somehow making out it's your fault is a major red flag. Sometimes people make mistakes and if he had realised that, took responsibility for it and tried to work through that together, then there might be hope(I've seen it happen). In this case I don't see it TBH.

iguana

sad girl wrote: »

I always hear about people taking their partner back after infidelty and working on their relationship but I feel no desire to....should I?? If someone cheats on you should you hate them but take them back regardless to work on it? I don't understand how I feel... I always thought if this happened I would still love them, but that has evaporated totally...I just want him out of my life. Is this normal? Will I regret it?

There is no right or wrong way to deal with your situation. Some people want to work it out and can, but it's a lot of hard work so if they don't really, really want to they won't get through it. Some people try to work it out and don't succeed because as much as they want to get through it, it hurts too much, or maybe the cheating happened for a reason. And with other people they are just too angry to even want to work it out at all.

You have to do what feels right to you. If you don't want to work this out with him then don't. I think as long as you follow your instincts here you aren't likely to regret it.

username123

So he cheated on you, didnt tell you, you find out by accident, he denies it for days (effectively mentally torturing you), eventually admits it, then blames you for being angry and wanting to end the relationship and tries to emotionally blackmail you into carrying on and accepting his cheating?

Wow - youve dodged a bullet there OP!!

Cant believe the cheek of him accusing you of over reacting either!! I definitely think youre better off without him, he sounds like he is totally selfish, disrespectful and manipulative. Anyone who tries to turn their bad behaviour round on the other person is not worth a toss imo.

Good luck with things, you are better off without this loser.

kjl

get rid of him, he sounds like a manipulative prick, trying to bring his family into the mix.

I so sorry you have to go through this, it happened to be before and I stupidly took the person back only to have it happen again, every couple talks about kids and marriage, but that a strong relationship does not make.

LegacyUser

OP, I have been cheated on in the past.
We were having major problems in our relationship, and long story short, he cheated.

We broke up for a long time, but eventually got back together. It took a looooong time to get over what happened, but through it all, he was always VERY apologetic about what happened, took full responsibility for it (as he should) and gave me all the time I need to come to terms with it, deal with it (and sometimes I dealt with it badly, I must admit) and move on as best I could.

Your bf is acting like it was no big deal, and that you should just get over it because 'it was a drunken mistake'. As already said MAJOR red flag.
I know you don't want to hear this, but this guy is bad news.
The cheating is one thing, but the way he is acting now is what would concern me the most.
If you decided to leave, it will be hard, I won't lie to you, but it will get better.
Don't you think it's better that you know who he is now, so that you can move on and find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve?

opinion guy

Hey OP

I'm sorry for what you are going thru.
My basic philosophy on cheatign is something like this. If someone cheats on me, but has enough respect for me to come straight to me, own up and apologies - omg thats terrible but i can forgive them cause they are still honest with me. If someone cheats on me and hides it from me but i find out. instant dumpage. no discussion. bye bye have a nice life. if someone tried to make out it was my fault ? wow instant dumpage and ignorage forever ++++++++++++++

rs

Hate to bring this up.

This is the first time you have caught him cheating, It's very possible it's not the first time he has cheated on you. It's just the first time he's been caught.

How much can you really trust him? That's the key question. By the sounds of it, the answer is not a lot. He's still not being honest with you.

You can do better. I promise you that.

Moomoo1

Will I regret it?

It's impossible to say whether you'll regret it or not. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all predict the future .

I have every sympathy for people in your situation. You basically have the choice of two poison pills: of a) ending the relationship (and let's be honest, it is _you_ who is ending it) in which you were (presumably) yourself very happy or b) having to swallow your pride and take back someone you actively dislike for what he did. In either case, you end up with a lot less than you had before.

I don't think there is a 'right' choice between a) and b): it really all depends on the people involved, on the circumstances etc etc.

I don't think he helped his case by not giving details, or coming clean about it, although I can understand the way he is acting: he is desperately trying to find arguments that would give him a foothold in your life, to give himself a foot in the closing door.

opinion guy

Harsh moomoo

......and let's be honest, it is _you_ who is ending it......

What ? seriously ? the guy cheated on her and now is bullying her about it. He's the one who would be ending it.

In either case, you end up with a lot less than you had before.

Eh, no. She offloads a childish jerk and maintains self-respect.


moomoo are you her boyfriend or something ? Your post actually seems manipulative in its own right

Moomoo1

opinion guy wrote: »

Harsh moomoo



What ? seriously ? the guy cheated on her and now is bullying her about it. He's the one who would be ending it.

The person who ends the relationship is the person who says 'it's over'. Anyway, you made it seem like I was defending him, which (if you read my post) I clearly was not.

opinion guy wrote: »

Eh, no. She offloads a childish jerk and maintains self-respect.

...except love doesn't work like that.

opinion guy wrote: »

moomoo are you her boyfriend or something ? Your post actually seems manipulative in its own right

You know, I could come up with something equally 'smart' in return, but don't feel like it would help matters...

OS119

opinion guy wrote: »

moomoo are you her boyfriend or something ? Your post actually seems manipulative in its own right

Moomoo's post is actually realistic, it doesn't suggest that if she dumps him she'll spend her newly found singledom running through sunlit fields full of wild flowers and nice, fit blokes wanting to take her out for dinner.

she'll probably, like most post-nasty-break-up single people, spend quite a bit of time being lonely, bitter and alternating between 'he's all the bastards under the sun' and 'oh god, what have i done'. its not fun.

if she dumps him - and i'd be thinking that if she doesn't want to be with him any more she probably ought to - then she certainly will have lost something: a 5 year relationship in which she was previously very(?) happy. it is possible that the relationship could be regained (though i'd not put my dinnermoney on it), and she may gain in self-image/lack of doubt etc... if she dumps him, but to suggest that she would lose nothing is ridiculous.

Zaph

opinion guy wrote: »

moomoo are you her boyfriend or something ? Your post actually seems manipulative in its own right

Please stay on-topic rather than making comments about other posters. Thanks.

patftrears

OS119 wrote: »

but to suggest that she would lose nothing is ridiculous.

True, if you get a cancerous tumor removed you loose something.

OP short term pain for long term gain.

1. He cheats on you.
2. Doesn't have the balls/respect to confess when caught out, makes you stress until he finally comes clean.
3. Thinks cheating is not a big deal and you should let it go
4. Tries to emotionally blackmail you by saying it's your fault the relationship is over.

You didn't know about the cheating until now, but you must have know what type of person he was if that's the way he behaves (2-4)

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The person who ends the relationship is the person who says 'it's over'.

Nah, sorry. In this case the person who ended the relationship is the person who did the cheating as his actions have made it impossible to continue the realtionship. His attempts to lay all responsibility on her is disgusting and says so much about what type of person he is.

sad girl wrote:

if I loved him as much as he loves me that I would give us a chance

And you should tell him that if he loved you at all he'd be down on his knees begging for you to forgive him and swearing it will never ever happen again. Or better yet, it wouldnt have happened in the first place.

OP, if it were me I'd be gone. As others have said people make mistakes and had he been in any way sorry at all then perhaps there would have been hope. Will he still think its not a big deal when you're married/have kids?

Darthhoob

hun, i dont think you are over-reacting. furthermore...if you dont even want to salvage the relationship (which would be possible) then i believe you shouldn't be made to feel like you have to. cheating on someone, drunk or not is the ultimate betrayal.

i had an ex who did the same, we lived in diff towns (about 2 hours apart) and he cheated on me with his ex...twice! then made excuses about how i'm not close enough and she lived opposite him, and had a go at me for dumping him over a silly mistake. it hurt even more cos i found him and his ex in a chat room talking about it...wasn't like he told me.
years later, i'm with someone else and happy and i got pregnant, my ex found out and had the nerve to tell me i was hurting him! cos he hoped i'd come back to hm instead of throwing him away...tried to convince me that the man i loved, who has been treating me right from the very start, wasn;t good enough for me yadda yadda yadda.

i was cheated on by an ex before hm, over and over and over again. i stayed with him as i didn't think i could do better...that made him think it was ok to cheat. that's why cheating is a no go for me now. it's not everyone's way of thinking but it is mine and seeing as you dont want to be with him anymore it could be yours too. he seems quite manipulative to me, as if you are making something out of nothing when it was HIM who did the dirty...and i wonder if he feels that bad about it seeing as his mates thought it was ok to joke about telling you

the person who ends a relationship is the one who pisses all over it, not the one who decides they are stronger and better than that.

dirtydress

Darthhoob wrote: »

the person who ends a relationship is the one who pisses all over it, not the one who decides they are stronger and better than that.

+1 That said it all right there.

opinion guy

ok now hold up a minute here. I'm somewhat taken aback by all what I've just read.

Lets recap.

After a 5 year+ relationship with a man the OP thought loved her. Marriage and kiddies were being discussed. Then she found out by chance that he cheated on her. At first he lied about it, then he admitted it - yet even then OP said he was vague about how far it went. OP was understandably upset and feelign her love was gone ended the relaitonship. Her partner then attempted to blame her for the breakup in what seems a shameless attempt at a guilt trip including telling her the family are upset - which whilst inducing some guilt is no doubt also making OP feel as thou he does not take the cheating seriously, that she was taken for granted by him, and that he is not the man she thought he was.

OP would seem to feel the relationship is over as she knew it - I think the following phrasing is extremely clear -

I always thought if this happened I would still love them, but that has evaporated totally...I just want him out of my life.

Whilst the OP thought she had a relationship with a certain type of person, events have unfolded to show her that infact her partner is an entirely different type of person. Now clearly OP does not want a relationship with someone who cheats on her. And let me be clear he cheated on her in two ways - first by being with another woman and secondly and perhaps more importantly - by not being the person he made himself out to be. Would that be a fair assessment of how you have been feeling OP ?

Despite feeling this way, it seems OP feels that their is family/cultural expectation for her to give things another try. Her ex-partner is applying pressure along these lines to try and get her back. If he had any spine at all he would actually apologise sincerely like he means it, NOT tell her the family are upset, give the OP space to process and accept how she feels about the situation. It seems that the OP's confusion is between her own feelings, the pressure her ex is applying and the family/cultural expectation she feels, she has turned to us in her time of confusion.

This is the setting with which OP has come to us for advice and help. Would you say this is a fair appraisal OP ?


Given this background I found moomoo1's post to be extremely insensitive because he said "and let's be honest, it is _you_ who is ending it" - this is extremely insenstivie because its exaclty what her ex has been trying to make her feel - despite the fact that he is the one who cheated, lie and manipulated. moomoo1 then said "In either case, you end up with a lot less than you had before." This is also playing EXACTLY into how her boyfriend is trying to make her feel - trying to guilt her into feeling she is throwing something of value away. Lets restate this - her ex was not who she thought he was. she did not have what she thought she had. she no doubt knows this on an emotional level but she is trying to figure it out on the logical level cause she is hearing conflicting things from different sides.

In fact I thought it was so insensitive to say this that I came very close to reporting moomoo's post. And I genuinely wondered if moomoo1 might actually have been her boyfriend who discovered the thread because I could not believe a randomer would be so insensitive which is why I made this comment

moomoo are you her boyfriend or something ? Your post actually seems manipulative in its own right

I was not being smart, I was not being off topic. I was making a point relating to the topic - my intention was to indirectly defuse moomoo1's comments so as to be less upsetting to the OP by drawing attention to the fact that those comments were very similar to the line her ex was feeding her.

I apologise moomoo1 if I caused you offence with my comment


So back to you OP. Have I got a read on all of this from you accurately then ? I mean if I've got it wrong tell me cause I want to help if I can.

To give you as good an answer as I can cause i feel bad about all this malarky above:

He has emailed me (i no longer answer his calls) to say I am over reacting. Is this true- please anyone who has been in this situation or know someone who has answer me.

You can only answer this one for yourself. However I will say this - it certainly seems as thou you feel your feelings have not been heard by him. You are under no obligation to conform to what someone elses idea of overreacting is. If you feel you want it to be over, then you are entitled.

I always hear about people taking their partner back after infidelty and working on their relationship but I feel no desire to....should I??

If you truly feel no desire to then no. OP you can't do these things because its what other people do, or other people feel you should do. Only do them because you want to. do you want to try again?

If someone cheats on you should you hate them but take them back regardless to work on it?

Regardless ? HELL NO. You should only take them back if it feels right for you. Does it feel right for you ?

I don't understand how I feel... I always thought if this happened I would still love them, but that has evaporated totally...I just want him out of my life. Is this normal? Will I regret it?

OP there is no 'normal'. You feel what you feel. I'm hoping I'm helping you to tease that out a little bit. Will you regret it ? Do you normally regret being true to your own feelings ? Are you sure this is how you feel ? Do you think you will feel different when your anger fades ?


OP you are entitled to take your time to figure it all out - don't let anyone pressure you. Take care of yourself, let if settle in you and see where your feelings lie at. Don't worry about family/cultural expecations - those are not reasons to be with someone or not be with someone. Be true to your own heart.

I hope i've helped some and if i got anything wrong do let me know

AMK

My husband did something similar to me. I'm not sure how far things went but when he told me - in a discussion about the future of our marriage - he said he didn't feel the slightest bit guilty because it was my fault anyhow. He said he didn't feel he had done anything wrong.

There were lots of other things wrong in the marriage and we eventually separated. But I have thought about my own response to this particular thing a lot. I could (and did) forgive it because I was very unhappy in the marriage and I think in certain circumstances I could have done the same thing myself. But what really got to me was the fact that he wouldn't accept responsibility for his actions. He seemed to think we were both party to his behaviour and was steadfast in his opinion that it was my fault. He spoke about it as if he should forgive me for making him do this!

He made out it was nothing and if I tried to talk about it he adopted an attitude of long-suffering patience - 'you're not on about that again' - even though I only spoke to him about it twice. This didn't end the marriage - it was his temper made me finally pull the plug - but looking back I can see that it changed my opinion of him. I grew to despise, not what he did, but his inability to accept responsibility for his actions. I also had this underlying feeling that his refusal to accept responsibility for his own behaviour meant it would most likely happen again. He wasn't sorry about it. He certainly didn't regret it. He only told me 'because somebody else would sooner or later'. And it wasn't his fault.

If the dog bites you once..................

LegacyUser

Ah the old cheating dilemna!!!

I can only give my experience in the hope it brings some insight.

Was with someone for 5 years. We had a child, had bought a house.
He went to a party and screwed some girl.

Someone at the party mentioned to me that he had been all over this girl though this person hadn't seen anything happen between them.

I checked his phone bill and there were hundreds of texts to her but when I checked his phone they had all been deleted.

I blew a fuse and he grovelled but maintained nothing had happened, it was just flirting, I wasnt giving him enough attention because of the child yada yada.
I foolishly bought it, because it is very hard to walk away from the person you love when there is doubt about what you are doing.
However, it is even harder to live with the person you love when you doubt them.

A year we struggled on after that. A year of torture and misery.
I didn't want him going to nights out where this girl would be there. He turned it on me and said I was controlling him etc etc.

He went on to sleep with her a few more times and eventually dumped me and within days was going out with her.

If I had my time again I'd have trusted my gut and not wasted yet another year of my life with him.

I only found out about the cheating after he dumped me. He eventually admitted it. All I felt was relief. I had honestly thought that he was right, that I was paranoid and controlling and obsessive and jealous. Funny how I was none of these things for years until he started cheating

Anyway, personally, If I were in OPs position I'd be gone. I could never live like that again. It was the worst year of my life.

wasper

Many of us make mistakes & regret making it.
How do you feel about him is the real question you have to ask yourself.
Do you want him back? If so then he must come clean & he must not allocate any blame to you.
On the other hand if you are not interested in reconciliation then the break up will be much easier. You have no kids & no mortgage.

finbarrk

The clown deserved to get caught anyway because he was using your phone to text his mates. What did he expect?

laura l

sad girl wrote: »

He is trying to blame me saying that if I loved him as much as he loves me that I would give us a chance

if he loved you as much as you loved him he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place.