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Feeling distance between my self and old/best friend

  • 22-09-2009 3:00pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    So it's happened again... I've started feeling this distance between myself and a good buddy of mine. We've known each other 20 years and normally get on like a house on fire.

    But, like nearly every other time he's hooked up with a girl, he has become more distant. I don't mind not seeing him as much or doing so much with him as I know he's busy but when he starts going out with someone, he just becomes rather boring.

    No, it's not that he stays in all the time watching DVDs with her, it's that when we meet, he doesn't seem to have a lot to say. It's almost as if he only has interesting conversations with her and that he uses all his chat up.

    Sounds a bit weird I know.

    Also, he never speaks about her. She's a lovely girl and very interesting but he never brings her up in conversation which means that we're not chatting about much, and then he's not talking about a big part of his life... not that I need to hear any nitty gritty stuff, but it's be nice to hear "oh, me and X are doing this for the weekend" or "me and X went to see this great movie last night" because she is part of his life. I have to ask how she is as he never volunteers the info.

    While writing this, it seems to me that he has just lost the art of conversation. I met up with him last week and I basically did all the talking - I left enough pauses for him to say stuff but those pauses turned into silences. So what would have been a few hours of chat and fun actually felt to me to be a bit strained and tedious to an extent. It's not a one off thing and has been happening a lot more of late. (Plus, I just happened to be reading through an old journal of mine from a few years back and the entry basically reads like this post).

    It has impacted less on my this time as I have, since the last time he was going out with someone, met a load of interesting and friendly people that I hang out with. In fact, my newer bunch of mates are fun and have lots to say..... the way he used to be.

    Trying to figure it out.

    Anyone else been through the same thing?


Comments

  • #2
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    I have not been through the exact same thing, but have been through similar ones. What I believe - in life - is that absolutely nothing lasts forever, even friendsips. The 20 years is irrelevant here. What's relevant is your happiness, and at the moment that is suffering because iof this other 'chump' that you are still calling your friend. If he does not care agbout you anymore, then you should not be concerned about him. Do not be the one to constantly run after him. Instead, make the move and erase the importance in your head that you're attributing to him.

    ...life moves on, don't you think? There's no point in trying to stop it from moving either, because then you get s tuck (like you have done now).

    Kevin


  • #3
    Firetrap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    It could be that your friendship has run its course. That one or both of you has changed and you no longer have things in common any more. It happens, unfortunately.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Kevster wrote: »
    Do not be the one to constantly run after him. Instead, make the move and erase the importance in your head that you're attributing to him.

    ...life moves on, don't you think? There's no point in trying to stop it from moving either, because then you get s tuck (like you have done now).

    Cheers for the responses.

    I have long given up running after him and it's not like we don't see each other or are not in touch.

    I've made a bunch of new friends over the last few years and don't rely on him as a major social outlet but we do see each other once a week or so.

    But, like before when he started going out with someone, a switch seems to have been flicked within him which seems to only allow him to be open with one person in his life - does that make any sense? As in, now I have a girlfriend, my conversations will all be with her......

    I had been thinking that maybe it has run its course - certainly, some of the other guys we'd hang around with, I have given up being in touch with - we had nothing in common.

    Is it worth mentioning to him - the jist of the conversation though would be "you're not that interesting anymore... you never tell me anything about yourself and I'm a bit tired of having to make conversation.... what gives?"

    Maybe I'll just take a bit of distance myself and then meet up and see if that makes a difference.


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