27, adopted and confused

kelso213

Hi,

I'm 27 and adopted and recently a match was made on contact preference register. i have been assigned a social worker and she has been great - given me loads of info that has been hard to take in!!

Basically its my Grandmother who wants contact with me, not my birth mother. I have 3 other half siblings, a sister who is older (hard to get your head around but it is very difficult situation).

We have exchanged photos and non identifying info and the social worker really wants me to meet with my birth grandmother asap!! Not sure if i'm ready or if i want to if birth mother wants no contact!

I'm meeting with the social worker again tomorrow for an update.

Its really getting to me now - I don't know if i want to meet her or not.

I dunno how my husband is putting up with me. One minute I’m fine, the next I could be in tears. Why is it so difficult? Its always been niggling at me – maybe I should just do it!

chachabinx

Hi, I really hope I don't upset you in saying any of this.

Im 22 & I always said if I ever got pregnant in my early teens & my baby was to have no father that I would rather give the baby up for adoption that have an abortion.
Alot of people say adoption is the easy way out but deep down I think its one of the hardest things that someone could do & an abortion is the easy way out.
I'd rather give a child to a family because I truely believe that in a stable home with 2 loving parents is better then living in a council estate with one parent & no money less opportunities in life. Im not sayin that all kids in council estates end up in trouble but the odds are alot higher.
And so many people are dying for the baby they can never have.

I really don't know why your mother doesn't want to meet you but I would think that its more for her own sanity than the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with you. It was probably the hardest thing she has ever had to do.

As for your biological grandmother, how old is she? If you said no to her & she died next week how would you feel with the opportunity being gone forever?
Again I don't mean to upset you but its these questions you need to think about before you make your decision.
And maybe this is her wish in life & it may be taken away from her too?
You don't know your gran & she could be the sweetest most caring woman you will ever meet & you could have a lasting friendship.

Do you think there is a chance this this could end badly? And if so how?

And maybe meeting your gran might clear the air for your mother & make her realise she is making a big mistake (which I think she is)...

biddybops

Hi
I know that you feel confused and unsure. I am sure that you imagined this situation many times and now that you are faced with it it is only natural that you are scared.
Perhaps you should stop worrying and 'just go with the flow' , something in your life has brought you to this moment, and all the anxiety you are putting yourself through.
It is great that your gran wants to meet you, the pain and sorrow that people carry with them everyday from losing a child to adoption is not only confined to the mother.
I hope all goes well and stop worrying

kelso213

Thank you for your replies.

I'm sure it was an enormously hard thing to do to give up a baby and to cope with it for all these years - i'm not judging here at all. Its definatley not the easy way out!!

My grandmother is elderly and i'm sure she is a lovely person but i just got the impression (from the social worker) that i should do this to "reassure" them that i am ok and that everything worked out! Its been an extremely emotional journey for me also and i don't want to jump straight in without being ready, but then again i think - what am i waiting for??

I'm just gonna meet the social worker tomorrow and see what happens after.

thirtythirty

I don't quite know why im posting here, cuz i have zero experience with this type of situation, i just saw the posting on the homepage.

However, an outsider's perspective might help - you can speculate and speculate on the what if's, how come's, and should I's...and you will probably do so for the rest of your life now since contact has been made. So my advice is meet, answer your speculations and questions, and then make an informed choice to embrace or leave behind.

And without wanting to sound to coarse - the timeframe for a meet is a closing window, based on who it is...honestly - meet now, and worst case you might regret it for a short while, don't meet and you could regret it forever.

jonniepster

Hi, Im adopted and 34 and have spent the past 5 years trying to find information on my birth mother, and was finally told by the social worker recently that her(birth mother)name was so common that it was too difficult to single her out and that they could do no more, and had to stop the search.

The word "limbo" doesnt even come close.

I'm not even sure why I started the search but I think it was when my son was born i felt the need to look, even though I realised it could end badly. I honestly didnt think it would just stop the way it has. So I dont know where to turn really.

My advice to you for what it is worth is to go ahead with meeting the Granny and see what turns up. You had probably prepared mentally for an engagement with your birth Mother, and even though this is not the same, it might end up leading that way.

I think we all want to find answers, and somewhere deep down we all kind of prepare ourselves for an unpleasant outcome(even though we desire a pleasant one). The thing is, if you begin the search and a window opens, I think you need to go for it. Because if you dont, you might regret it.

This is only my opinion and obviously think it through a lot before going with any decision.

I hope this helps in some way.

Good Luck.j

mojo11

i also was adopted and for my own reasons for years i searched for my mother but always came up against walls finally by the time i did find answers she had died a few years previous her mother my grandmother and her sisters my aunts wanted to meet me so i did nothing came of it which was more my decision but i was still glad i went you,l only wonder if you dont you might think you wont but you will the ball is in your court i think you should go maybe she feels a bit guilty she wasnt there for you when her daughter gave you up i know you dont owe her anything but it couldnt do much harm

The_Conductor

Hi Kelso-

First of all, hugs to you- you need them.

I'm adopted too, and after a long search (lasting several years) managed to find my birthmum some years ago.

I'm sure there are very mixed emotions going through your mind- particularly given that its your maternal grandmother who is seeking contact- and not your birthmum.

When I was searching- it was only my birthmum who I was principally interested in tracing and finding- certainly I was aware of the possibility of grandparents, siblings and other relatives- but deep down inside I wanted to meet my birthmum- I figured I'd meet with siblings and other relatives later.

I can only imagine how you feel about the fact that its your grandmother- and not your mother who is seeking contact.

You don't owe it to her to meetup and assure her that you had a good life- and giving you up was a good decision her daughter made. To be perfectly honest- and I am really guessing- I'd suggest that its entirely possible that your maternal grandmother may have pressurised your birthmum to give you up- and years later is feeling guilty about things.

If I were you- I would insist on the social worker contacting your birthmum- advising her directly of your interest or lack of interest in meeting her, and only once you have contacted your birthmum via the intermediary- would I consider meeting the maternal grandmother.

Meeting with your maternal grandmother before you meet your birthmum- will always influence any possible relationship you may have with your birthmum at some point in the future.

I really do not think the social worker is being fair to you- or has your best interests at heart- by pressurising you to meetup with a relative other than your birthmum at the outset- and I would be a very vocal with him/her in making this point- and insisting they use any resources at their disposal to assist you in this respect.

You owe it to yourself to do what is best for you- and I would suggest that meeting with your maternal grandmother first is not necessarily in your best interests in the long run.

I would also insist on having the opportunity to attend a course on how to deal with reunions (Barnados do a good one) before I'd consider meeting up- I can't begin to tell you how emotional it is- you owe it to yourself and those close to you- to get a good understanding of what you're going through.

Best wishes to you,

Shane

PuterMan

Hi Kelso, I too am adopted and I say go for it with Grandma. Sorry Shane but you are wrong and Kelso should not insist on meeting mum first. A contact with Grandma is a good thing and may or may not lead to contact with mum later.

You also CANNOT assume that Grandma is feeling guilty about anything. It may be quite the opposite and Grandma tried to persuade mum to keep you. Within my family I have an example to exactly that, Grandparents wanted to adopt the child but could not, later wanted to contact the child and I acted as mediator and brought the child and grandparents together. The mother was not involved.

This may be after the event now, and if so I really do hope it worked OK.

donam321

im 17 and adopted ( so my brothers) knew all my life but recently became tough as for family sittuations got tough now my birth mother decidin to stop the youngest of us to get his papers tru so resentin her at de min but id advise ta get ta kno your birth family

fluffy70

kelso213 wrote: »

Hi,

I'm 27 and adopted and recently a match was made on contact preference register. i have been assigned a social worker and she has been great - given me loads of info that has been hard to take in!!

Basically its my Grandmother who wants contact with me, not my birth mother. I have 3 other half siblings, a sister who is older (hard to get your head around but it is very difficult situation).

We have exchanged photos and non identifying info and the social worker really wants me to meet with my birth grandmother asap!! Not sure if i'm ready or if i want to if birth mother wants no contact!

I'm meeting with the social worker again tomorrow for an update.

Its really getting to me now - I don't know if i want to meet her or not.

I dunno how my husband is putting up with me. One minute I’m fine, the next I could be in tears. Why is it so difficult? Its always been niggling at me – maybe I should just do it!

You never asked for contact from blood relatives,your blood mum is not involved,your real grandparents want to meet their grandchild,meet them on the understanding that your not agreeing to another meeting.Meeting could be the best/worst day of your life.You`ll not know to the meeting.
I`d say a meeting with the Gramps will only bring positivity but only if your Mum doesn`t know about it then no harm done if Gramps don`t know your personal details.

The_Conductor

fluffy70 wrote: »

You never asked for contact from blood relatives,your blood mum is not involved,your real grandparents want to meet their grandchild,meet them on the understanding that your not agreeing to another meeting.Meeting could be the best/worst day of your life.You`ll not know to the meeting.
I`d say a meeting with the Gramps will only bring positivity but only if your Mum doesn`t know about it then no harm done if Gramps don`t know your personal details.

There is almost a sense of inevitability that the OP's mum is going to find out sooner or later. You have to realise this.

Further- the OP has not indicated that she did not ask for contact from blood relatives- she never went into the detail of how she filled out her contact preference form.

Your jumping to conclusions here.

Its perfectly normal to assume that when a match is made- that its between an adopted person and his/her birthmum. That is what 90% of people who are searching- from either direction, would assume. Other relatives is simply a tick in a box, an after-thought almost, and most people would assume that contact with more distant relatives would come later.

MJD01

Take a deep breath - do not feel pressured by the social worker or anyone else! Think about yourself - what do you want out of this contact. Its like almost thinking of the rules you would apply to this new person in your life. How much contact do you want? Do you want to meet her once and gain whatever information you can from her - healthwise or other. This is your chance to have control over this situation and do not be pushed into anything for the sake of it.
I have been in touch with a lot of relatives in the last couple of years and some I see maybe twice a year. Some I send a christmas card too and have not meet them. Some I see often and am involved in their lives but its because I want to be.
As an aside - husbands are great I was an emotional wreak at times but its all normal please dont feel its only you!
Mary

peggs

been there and done it years ago, I think you yourself will know when the time is right ,,,,,,

gfmason

Hi Kelso,

YOU have to decide what YOU want. Don't listen to the Social Worker. Don't feel pressurised. Take your time. You have waited 27 years and no-one came looking before now so make them wait a while.

When I started my search (I am now searching 7 years) I wrote down my objectives, what I wanted at the end of the search, what I was prepared to accept, what I was prepared to settle for. I go back to that page every now and then to see do I feel any different and the answer is no. I still want to find out about my birth family. It doesn't matter who from the family.

The only advice I can give you is a door has been opened to you. As you are on the register I presume you were looking for contact or information on your birth mother so, it may not be exactly the person you hoped for, but your Grandmother would be able to give you some sort of 'closure'. I would give anything for someone to make contact with me. If you do not meet your Grandmother and something happens to her and you are too late you will always regret not making contact. Never live with regrets because they will always haunt you. I wish you well in whatever you decide and best of luck. Hear her out, it can't hurt. What's an hour of your time?

Grainne

(P.S. If it's any consolation, my husband thinks I am bonkers doing my own search! But you've got to do what's right for you)

kelso213

Hi all,

Thanks for all your messages. Just thought i'd give a quick update.
Ok well i went forward with contact and it turns out that my grandmother had gone forward in the hopes that it might make her daughter want contact.
So the social worker contacted her (my natural mother that is) and we have been exchanging letters and pictures ever since.
She just hadn't really talked about it with anyone since it happened and was scared to!
I also got a lovely letter from my half sister who is also open to contact!

We are scheduled to meet on 20th May - i'm so anxious already, i hope it goes well.

I think growing up i always had this fantasy of what she would be like and its hard to get my head around the reality! Not in a bad way - its just different to what i thought.
I'm not sure what i'm gonna be like on the day - i'm very quiet and will prob find it hard to tlak to them!
Anyone got any good suggestions to break the ice/Any advice for me?
I would really appreciate it!!

kathy finn

just be yourself, im sure it will all go well. i remember meeting my birthfather for the first time i was sooo nervous i thought i was going to get sick. but just remember they will be as nervous as u, good luck..kathy

OS119

kelso213 wrote: »

...Anyone got any good suggestions to break the ice/Any advice for me?
I would really appreciate it!!

it's utterly banal, and probably impossible to keep to - but take it easy. small increments followed by lots of consolidation before moving on to the next small step.

in terms of what to say, i'm not sure there is anything 'good' to say - i went for 'Hi, i'm OS119, and whatever happened, for whatever reason, i want you to know that i didn't suffer for it for one moment, and i had an amazing childhood with people who loved me'. i've no doubt that my 'BM' had mixed emotions on hearing that, it probably reassured her that there had been a good outcome as well as making her feel entirely worthless.

actually, i'm not sure you should take my advice - i don't have a relationship with my 'birth family' and don't want one, i felt i had a 'duty' to let them know i was ok and that the adoption had, for me, been a good thing - but i had, and still have, pretty firm views about who my 'real' family were, and who my parents were. unfortunately my 'birth family' thought differently, like i was returning to them and that they were entitled to a relationship with me and that my adoptive parents would disappear into the background.

hence my advice to take it easy - maybe you should listen to that, but discount the rest!

good luck.

MaryMagdalene

Hi Kelso

I met my daughter for the first time in March. I was very nervous too but made the concious decision that if this was to work out long term then I had to be 'me' and not who I wished I was. Hard I know, but if you play this over in your mind it might help. You are you and she should love you for you. I'm not saying its easy and I do think that perhaps age gives confidence so perhaps I was more self confident than she was looking back. I also was also delighted to hear that she had such a happy background and how lovely her parents were.

I never felt that my daughters parents should be pushed into the background or either party was a threat to the other. We are born with the ability to love different people in different ways - so long as both parties respect that then she should never feel torn or made to chose. We each have a role in her past and I truely hope that going forward we each have a role in her future.

Perhaps it might help if you have a few back-up questions or little stories that you can recall if you feel that you should say something but are stuck for what to say. It might make you feel easier in yourself to have some back-up. Photo's would be good also.

Bottom line be yourself and it will be easier - silences can be just as comfortable as chatter!

RoseSupport106

Hi everyone, my name is Rose and im also an adoptee and understand what everyone is going through. Im setting up a support group in the Navan, Meath area over the next few weeks. If anyone is living in the area and would like to come along please let me know and i'll keep you informed when i set up the first session.
My number is (snip) or PM me off the forum.

sharpshooter murphy

Hi kelso, im also 27 my situation is kind of like how i was about six years ago when a letter landed at my parents house informing them that my biological mother had requested a trace, odd though because i was 21 so i didnt understand why the letter had been sent to my parents but thats another chapter anyway, i too had a social worker assigned to me and she was fantastic and still is to this day every so often she will call me to see how things are going, i had to write a letter giving a bried description of myself and my backround just sketch information and no surnames too or anything about where i lived. i recieved a letter from my biological mother informing me that she had gone on to marry my biological father and had 5 other children since me so i had 4 brothers and 1 sister i was knocked back after hearing this, but in a good way i was very excited and wanted to meet them all straight away!! a couple of weeks later here i was waiting in room with my own family with me for support my stomach was in knots i had so many questions for them i couldnt sit down with the nerves!! All went well and to cut a long story short everything went grand and still is to this day. The only advice i would give you is take your time its an awful lot to deal with and not every story has a happy ending, prepare yourself and make sure you have plenty of support, it will be a very emotional time. good luck with it.:P

georgemc

Hi All, I am due to meet my birth parents in the next few weeks. It came as a real shock when I received the letter from the agency. I too have being seeing a social worker the last few months. I`m really just saying to myself that nothing bad can really come of it, i too also have a number of brothers and sisters that I knew nothing of. Not really sure how I am going to react when we do come face to face, as it gets nearer, I`m getting more nervous, but I don`t want to have any regrets later in life either. Good luck to everyone.