The Death of TK (slightly offensive images)

me-skywalker

The Death of TK

It was a pure morning with a bitter wind a blowing. I fought against my urge to take a leak in the bushes of a crumblin Edwardian mansion on the outskirts of town. Taken aback by the drifting smell of cheap beer I followed my nose to end up a run down old brothel. I could smell the pussy from outside. I entered the stinking bar room with a wry smile. I could sense the warm sweaty flesh, saliva dripping across bodies of sickly yellow and all holes being protruded.

Whence-forth-with the upstairs door swung open and a dark figured being
thrown out by the scruff of the neck. Landing beside my feet naked and with
barely a sign of any manhood, this disshelved figure stood up and licking his
fingers and grunting heavily held his hand out, full of a sickly white
colour and snarled himself as TK.

It couldn't not be thought I, this is the fearsome sex fiend that has been
terrorising small boys and animals alike, and me been on his trail for 9 years.
Here he just lands at my feet with a whimper a hand of rawness, naked and
covered joyous misery. My hands fell to my holsters, he saw this
and gnashed his teeth winking, could i shoot faster than he could gnash? I
kicked him in the groin swiftly, only I couldn't tell if I got a piece because
there was no feeling of anything and he didn't even wince. He just winked,
naked and gnashing his teeth, winking. I felt for the hilt of my gun and he
lurched forward. I caught his head coming down and it met my knee he
squealed, I slide out my pistol and ended the pathetic existence of the
fearsome TK.

With a night of passionless adultery and drunk*numbness behind him, he
stood gazing over the city like a lone golden star in the sky,
leading lost souls to the city limits, pleading with them to enter its sins.
His memory of the encounter*was*forgotten or*blurred within his*consciousness
for later reflection, he gathered his wits and checked his list.

He paused before sighing over the reflecting horizon.

me-skywalker

Just a bit of fun i wrote about a friend in 10minutes.. nothing overly articulate or complex just a nice simple fun read.

wat do people think? Should I try develop a short story out of this?

weiming

Hmm...

Structurally, there are many, many improvements that might be made to what you wrote.

But if you enjoyed writing this, I think you should certainly continue. You might develop the back story more, tell us how this T.K. got started, what his motivation is, and what the protagonists motivation is for pursuing him. What has happened in those long nine years, and why has it taken so long? Is T.K. particularly wily? And if so, how?

Writing is a craft though, and the more polished your writing is (meaning having a distinct and consistent style, not necessarily adhering to certain rules), the more people will tend to enjoy it. Below is some advice:

Try to assign your character a voice and then make him stick with it. It seems incongruous for the character to say "I was taken aback by..." and then almost immediately "I could smell pussy from outside"; it's...jarring.

In general, try to use vocabulary and structures you're familiar with good writing doesn't have to be overly wordy or ornate.

Using words and phrases improperly can detract from your writing, for example: whence does not mean "when" but "where" or loosely "what is the cause of/reason for" and is almost always used interrogatively and often accompanied by a form of "come". "Forthwith" is one word, and doesn't mean suddenly, but immediately or without hesitation/delay. Guns don't have hilts and so on and so on.

But again, it seems like you had fun with this piece. If you enjoy writing, keep writing!

me-skywalker

Thanks..

ah well I am aware most of the wording is pure dribble or excessively 'wordy' to get that ott sounding and could be developed better given time. But have to remember this was literally written in 10mins and one draft only.

Im sure if I put some effort into it it would make more sense with less need to use 'agressive wording'

also I like the mystery of the whole 9 years that would be a draw in getting behind his emotion and his motives. It would be developed further given time and a bit of effort.

weiming

Looking at some of your other posts I could only conclude that at least some of the wording in the story had been deliberately chosen for effect. If you ever do choose to develop this story, I will be looking forward to reading it.

me-skywalker

Yea some of the 'aggressive words' have been chosen for effect. But looking back at some of the phrasing Im 100% sure I could write this into a full model storyline.

Ive got this vision of a western style setting around 1800's America on the verge of war with the British again. Character would be a governmental bounty hunter, with secret pact with unknown agencies to do more than the government want him to do, to chase down the traitors supporting the British takeover. Wouldnt be a war story but that would be the background atmosphere and an under lying story in the motives of each party. Dont wont to say too much.