Am I wrong to be so annoyed over this?

LegacyUser

I been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now, he is 7 years older than me. We get along so well, have a brilliant laugh togehter and our sex life is great. We used to always go out every weekend together and have a great time. But the last few times we went out I thought we had a good time, but I could see he just was bored or something. The last time we went out together was a couple of months ago, that night he said there was no atmosphere and its just not the same buzz anymore. I took this personally.

So we stayed in on weekends for a couple of weeks, just watched a movie, drank some wine. Then I went out on my own wit the girls 2 weekends in a row and he went out with his friends.

When he has gone out with his friends he always comes home much later than when out with me, and drinks an awful lot more. Always says what a great night he had.

I havent been out with him in ages and I was not feeling well this weekend, so when he said he was going out this weekend and was I coming out. I said I couldnt as I was not up to it.

So he went out alone with one of his male friends. I didnt mind, I was relaxing at home, all was fine. He got home around 5am drunk out of his mind. Then the next morning I was asking him how the night was, and he says oh it was a great night, there was a good crowd out. Then he says that his ex was out too. I flipped out. How can he be out til all hours drinking with his ex and having a better time with her than me?

I've only met this woman once before and she looked me up and down and ignored me completely. I just put it down to her being jealous that i was with her ex now, and dismissed it and never thought of it again, til now.

I am so annoyed, that he enjoys going out with his mates more than with me, he says its not true. But the fact his ex went out of her way to come out and meet him and his friend at 1am knowing they would be well drunk (and not with me) really annoys me even more. What is her game?

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give as much info as i think is relevant. I am so mad over this that I am stressed out all day.
Am I wrong to be so annoyed over this? And what can I do so he can see my point of view?

Monkey61

To be honest I think you are completely overreacting! He is perfectly entitled to hang out with his friends and go drinking in a crowd that includes his ex whenever he wants!

A lot of people would enjoy going out with their friends in a different way to the way they enjoy going out with their partners. It can sometimes just be a different buzz, depending on the kind of relationship you have. Plus it is very important for people in relationships to have their own social lives, it is healthy and necessary for a relationship's survival that you have time on your own without your partner and with your friends - even more so if you are living with your partner. You said he drinks more when out without you, maybe he just likes to relax and let his hair down with his friends without having to worry about you judging him.

Also, he asked you if you were going out. It's not like he even schemed to go out with out you or didn't invite you. As for the ex, well why shouldn't she on a night out meet up with him and his friends at 1 am? Please don't start projecting your insecurities onto some sort of suspicion towards a completely innocent woman. Your relationship with your boyfriend has nothing to do with her presence in his social life.

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

To be honest I think you are completely overreacting! He is perfectly entitled to hang out with his friends and go drinking in a crowd that includes his ex whenever he wants!

A lot of people would enjoy going out with their friends in a different way to the way they enjoy going out with their partners. It can sometimes just be a different buzz, depending on the kind of relationship you have. Plus it is very important for people in relationships to have their own social lives, it is healthy and necessary for a relationship's survival that you have time on your own without your partner and with your friends - even more so if you are living with your partner. You said he drinks more when out without you, maybe he just likes to relax and let his hair down with his friends without having to worry about you judging him.

Also, he asked you if you were going out. It's not like he even schemed to go out with out you or didn't invite you. As for the ex, well why shouldn't she on a night out meet up with him and his friends at 1 am? Please don't start projecting your insecurities onto some sort of suspicion towards a completely innocent woman. Your relationship with your boyfriend has nothing to do with her presence in his social life.

Thanks for your reply, deep down I was thinking I had overreacted.

I am very happy for him to go out with his friends, I've never had a problem with it. Its healthy to have separate nights out with our own friends. This is the only time I got annoyed over it. I guess I felt left out, even though I know I could have gone out with him.

I just wish the two of us could have as good a time out as we used to.

And his ex being there is suspect, she is known to be a schemer (and I guess that is why she is his ex.) I trust my boyfriend completely and I dont belive he would do the dirt. Her on the other hand... She may try something just to get at me.

BroomBurner

I think you're over-reacting a little. When men go out with their girlfriends/wives/etc., they tend to be a bit more reserved with their behaviour and drinking. When they're with the lads, it's completely different. It's the same for my OH. He drinks far more and stays out longer when with his mates. Tis because he has less responsibilities with me not being there (OP, the age difference for us is the same as yourself). Also, because I get tired more quickly when out and I don't drink, we tend not to stay out late when together.

The Ex issue is a different matter entirely. How you deal with that is up to you, but going OTT is never a good idea. If he was friends with his ex when you two started going out together, there's nothing you can really do. However, if she just turned up on the night out of the blue, just lodge that fact in the back of your brain and try to forget about it.

Women, always hide the Crazy!!

LegacyUser

BroomBurner wrote: »

I think you're over-reacting a little. When men go out with their girlfriends/wives/etc., they tend to be a bit more reserved with their behaviour and drinking. When they're with the lads, it's completely different. It's the same for my OH. He drinks far more and stays out longer when with his mates. Tis because he has less responsibilities with me not being there (OP, the age difference for us is the same as yourself). Also, because I get tired more quickly when out and I don't drink, we tend not to stay out late when together.

The Ex issue is a different matter entirely. How you deal with that is up to you, but going OTT is never a good idea. If he was friends with his ex when you two started going out together, there's nothing you can really do. However, if she just turned up on the night out of the blue, just lodge that fact in the back of your brain and try to forget about it.

Women, always hide the Crazy!!

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. We used to always have a great buzz going out together, just the two of us and I miss that. We would get legless and go dancing, do shots and have such a laugh. The last few times out just the two of us, he didnt want to do any shots, kept looking at his watch, I really took it personal that he was fed up of just going out with me.

It bites that he seems to have more fun with his mates than me, and the real killer is that his ex appeared on the scene out of the blue and he had a great time with her too. I feel gutted.

What should I do about it now? He's been out at work all evening and won't be home til late. We have not really discussed it since I flipped out yesterday morning.

MelanieC

I totally understand where you're coming from. I felt the exact same a while ago about a girl who seemed to always be around when my boyfriend was out. She wasn't an ex or anything and I know he had absolutely no interest in her and would never cheat on me anyway so it wasn't that kind of jealousy. It's just that she always seemed to pop up whenever he was out or even when we were out together and watching the two of them having a great laugh together would make me feel so gutted coz that was the way he used to be with me at the start but not anymore. I thought he preferred her company to mine and got really paranoid about it.:(
The way I got over these feelings is I realised that everyone, all of us, make more of an effort with our friends or aquantainces than we do with our significant others. It comes from familiarality. At the start of a relationship you don't really know each other that well and so you're both making a massive effort and also trying to portray yourself as this great fun-to-be-around person and so naturally you have a great time. After a while, you know each other so well and are so familiar with each other that you don't need to try so hard and you can just relax and be yourself (even if that is tired or moody!)
It doesn't mean you love each other less. In fact it probably means you love each other more coz you're both comfortable enough to be yourselves.
So maybe he does make more of an effort to be that fun guy with his mates or with his ex, who now is presumably relegated to status of "mate". That just proves he's not as secure around them as he is around you, the person he loves. So relax.:)
Having said that, it'd be no harm to inject a little fun back into things between the two of ye too and he has to realise this. So talk to him and just suggest that the two of you do something really fun together soon to get those fun times rolling again but just don't accuse him or question him or things will backfire.
And don't stress too much. Until you have any real reason to think otherwise, you have a perfectly normal relationship with a perfectly normal guy who, as guys do, tends to take you for granted sometimes and make more of his mates. Not the worst crime in the great scheme of things, but one which can be handled gently by expert female hands! Good luck!;)

LegacyUser

MelanieC wrote: »

I totally understand where you're coming from. I felt the exact same a while ago about a girl who seemed to always be around when my boyfriend was out. She wasn't an ex or anything and I know he had absolutely no interest in her and would never cheat on me anyway so it wasn't that kind of jealousy. It's just that she always seemed to pop up whenever he was out or even when we were out together and watching the two of them having a great laugh together would make me feel so gutted coz that was the way he used to be with me at the start but not anymore. I thought he preferred her company to mine and got really paranoid about it.:(
The way I got over these feelings is I realised that everyone, all of us, make more of an effort with our friends or aquantainces than we do with our significant others. It comes from familiarality. At the start of a relationship you don't really know each other that well and so you're both making a massive effort and also trying to portray yourself as this great fun-to-be-around person and so naturally you have a great time. After a while, you know each other so well and are so familiar with each other that you don't need to try so hard and you can just relax and be yourself (even if that is tired or moody!)
It doesn't mean you love each other less. In fact it probably means you love each other more coz you're both comfortable enough to be yourselves.
So maybe he does make more of an effort to be that fun guy with his mates or with his ex, who now is presumably relegated to status of "mate". That just proves he's not as secure around them as he is around you, the person he loves. So relax.:)
Having said that, it'd be no harm to inject a little fun back into things between the two of ye too and he has to realise this. So talk to him and just suggest that the two of you do something really fun together soon to get those fun times rolling again but just don't accuse him or question him or things will backfire.
And don't stress too much. Until you have any real reason to think otherwise, you have a perfectly normal relationship with a perfectly normal guy who, as guys do, tends to take you for granted sometimes and make more of his mates. Not the worst crime in the great scheme of things, but one which can be handled gently by expert female hands! Good luck!;)

Thats great advice, thanks so much. ((hug)) I just got myself completely wound up. What you say about us trying harder around our friends and just being more familar with our partners is so true.

Later on in the week I am going to suggest going out to dinner this weekend, somewhere different so we can enjoy a new place together. I'll get the sexy lingerie out too. *wink*

Thanks again

MelanieC

Sounds like a plan! No doubt once he sees what he's been missing, he'll get back into the swing of things fairly quickly! Let me know how you get on.:)

BraziliaNZ

this happens to me all the time with girls. It just gets boring going out to bars/clubs etc with them, so I don't really do that when we've been going out for a while, well maybe to a pub for a few pints but going out and getting legless is not really the same with your bird.
Just be happy with going out for meals, having a few drinks here and there, save the dancing and giggling for your girls nights out. Or bring along another couple, usually saves the conversation from going so dead.

MelanieC

Hey soannoyed, just wondering how you are getting on and if there's been any improvement?:)