Dysfunctional family. Caution: long post. Advice please??

LegacyUser

***Disclaimer: I don’t know what to expect from this – it’s a rant, I just need to vent and get some feedback.

I’m seriously fed up with my family. I am the youngest member of a large family. I feel I’m from the most dysfunctional, ****ed up and un-nurturing tribe on the planet. It is nothing to do with me per se, rather the way certain members of my family act towards my parents and each other.

My parents now live on their own and are in their old age. Last year, my dad (in his seventies) had a near fatal accident, which nearly killed him. He was hospitalised for a few months and eventually returned home. He was always a very active guy and definitely a people person. He has recovered in a spectacular fashion, after nearly having a stroke and another lifesaving operation about two months ago. It really is remarkable. My mother has also had health complications – hypertension and other issues, which have been successfully dealt with this year.

The family problems came to a head this year – when dad had the accident, my mum designated me as the liaison between the doctors and the family. She did this for two logical reasons – 1. I’m the most ‘medically qualified’ person in the family, in my job we train doctors during their pre-clinical years and as former staff, I have many contacts in the hospital that dad was admitted to. 2. I have lived with my parents for over 20 years – know all of their health issues/fears/traits etc – I can put them at ease as I am always around. 3. My dad asked mum for me to do this when he was on his way to A&E.

Needless to say, this did not go down too well with certain members of my family (those are the people that only call when they want something off mum or dad). This is where it gets complicated. Half of my entire family are infected with an acute case of jealousy. For me, for each other – they are jealous, cagey and suspicious of nearly everything in life. They are also highly opportunistic and will exploit any situation for their own gain, at any cost. As the youngest child in a large family – I suppose I had to deal with the least of economic hardships that some of my other siblings might* have seen. *I should note, that they wanted for nothing off my parents and all had the opportunity to have a private education. However, being the 80’s – the majority of them met someone/emigrated/got a job/got married etc. I’m also under no illusion – my mum and dad were older than most when I was conceived, so lets refer to me as a “surprise wedding present” that they took home a few months later. Luckily, I suffered no major health complications and have had a really brilliant life.

I was very lucky as a kid, I was spoilt (but not a brat) and was always motivated to be the best I could be. I am deeply appreciative for what my parents and siblings have done for me. Academically, I was very strong and tackled school and exams with ease. I was only the second in the family to go to university – I secured numerous scholarships and a multitude of prestigious awards. I graduated last year and (thank god) am still on this successful trajectory. I have worked very, very hard and am very lucky. I did it mostly for my parents – I really wanted to make them proud.
The problem lies with certain members (siblings) of my family and I. They used to blame mum and dad for their “current situations” – however, all to my mind are very successful i.e. have good jobs, families, healthy and happy, want for nothing etc. It all seemed to change when I went to university. They seemed to take this as a massive two-fingered salute and consistently wanted to play down any achievement that I got. I never used to tell my parents about how well I actually did, because I felt guilty and that I would annoy everybody else. But – mum and dad were proud and wanted to spread the word. I think my siblings despise me because “I” am proof that mum and dad are the best parents a person could have, and I took the opportunities that I was provided with. They can’t actually blame them because I exist. If that makes sense?

You would think this would be fine in a normal family. However, they seem to think that its being pushed in their face. They used to come home and never talk about things – and then pit their own children against me, saying they were more intelligent etc. I never minded this, but it bred an unhealthy and hostile atmosphere that made me very uncomfortable. I never used to speak of my achievements for fear of annoying anyone. I guess mum and dad were just proud, that’s all. The thing is, they are proud of ALL their children. For my siblings - Its like they are using their own kids to live out their dreams. There was constant comparisons, constant jibes. I hated it and I knew my nieces and nephews did too. But they were adolescents and knew no better than what their parents (my brothers and sisters) told them.

Some of my siblings took direct offence to my handling dad’s health situation. I had to do what I had to do. In my eyes – it wasn’t about them, it was about my dad and he was the only one that mattered. They could validate their own egos somewhere else. They wanted to “be seen to do things” by the neighbours and hospital staff. They were convinced dad was going to die – however, I knew that there was only a risk. Some of them love being pessimistic and tried to exaggerate the injuries to mum. There were a lot of personal motives on their behalf – they bullied the hospital staff and the doctors to get information because they refused to believe what I said. They completely disrespected my mother and did not even help with basic tasks at home, like shopping, washing etc. I was trying to hold down a position at the time and had just secured a scholarship at another university abroad – due to move a few weeks after this happened. Dad came through things in the end, as he is a strong person. However, the rift in the family is vast.

None of the siblings who caused the scene are around now – despite some of them only living 5 mins away. They really don’t care. Their exhibits were all for show as I had suspected. Not one person of has called in close to 3 or 4 months. I was able to pull strings to get my father the best treatment possible – any normal and logical person would have done the same thing in my position. I was able to ask the right questions and question the answers.

Its now a year on and dad is flying it. I moved out of home to take up my position at university abroad and am just back at home on holidays. However nothing has changed. I can see the hurt in my parents’ eyes when they talk about their family. They desperately want everyone to be united – but from my POV, it does not look like this will ever happen. I feel like I am at the center of all of this. I know some of my siblings could not care less if I was dead or alive. Even when I graduated – I didn’t get so much as a call from over half of them. I have been in another country, on my own for one year – not so much as an e-mail or a call, nor a text.

I just don’t know what on earth to do. I am in love with a beautiful girl and life is fantastic at the moment. The world is at my feet. I love my parents deeply and have now decided not to be ashamed of my achievements. People would kill to be in the position that I am in, I am so so so so lucky. But why must my parents suffer this guilt trip that the rest of them put them on?

I don’t know what to do or what to say or where to go from here. But it feels like if I wasn’t born – none of this would have happened. I love my parents and three of my siblings but I hate the rest of my family. They are dead to me. I actually feel nothing for them – and I mean this with a passion. Should I ever be granted the luxury of living long enough to marry my gf – it will be a very small affair.

I just wish the people in question would realise that life is so fragile and short. Hate is futile and they will live to regret their behaviour. Parents are only around for a certain length of time. lets see if their children will treat them in the same manner as the have done with mine. I wish I could say: "fcuk off, live your own lives and stop measuring your success by the downfall of others". Ugh I really really wish I was adopted.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I’d just like some thoughts?

ddef

hello OP.
Firstly let me tell give you my sympathies for your current situation.
By the sounds of it your life is going great. I'm in UNI at the moment and it is tough work so I can relate to you in that sense. This may seem cruel, but for your own well being, for get about them! It seems like your on top of the world, and not many can say that these days. Don't let it pass you by. You have a great life with your gf and parents etc, so don't let some fools who mean nothing to you ruin it for you. Be good to your girlfriend and parents and life your life.
Good Luck, Friend.

LegacyUser

Respect- for both a fabulously well written account, and for the great attitude you have towards life.

For what it's worth I don't think any family is perfect... though I know your's seems a long way off. I get on brilliantly with my sibs, but would love to have the relationship with my parents that you do.

LegacyUser

I find your post nauseatingly smug and your faux modesty 'Im sooooo lucky' would stick in anyones craw.

Your siblings aren't as perfect as you....is what I think you are angling at.

So. What.

Be good to your parents and drop the judgemental attitudes.

LegacyUser

Hey cheers for your replies - it helps to get another perspective on this situation.

I realise its not the most major of PI's out there, but I appreciate your responses.