Another sad break up story

LegacyUser

I don't read here very often, but I really think I need to write some of this down to see if any one with some experience can help me.

I've had the most awful time getting over my ex. It's been over a year now, and while I've certainly progressed somewhat, it's nowhere near what it should be.

Summary of the events:
First love, mutual
5 year relationship (not both mid twenties)
Ended over no particular reason but her basically getting bored with me.

It did not end in a great way, in that it dragged and dragged, and she never fully cut the cord, leaving me sadly hanging on to a thread of hope for a long time. And truth be told she acted fairly horrifically to me, and I should have cut the cord earlier than a year ago if I wasn't such a lovesick puppy.

The thing that is really getting me now, is I simply can't believe someone you've spent such a huge amount of time with, can care so so little about you.

From the end of the relationship there was never any frank discussion, no real change of views, no anything really. It just was her bottling up and not being able to communicate - but the fact is I think she just found it too hard to say she no longer loved me.

Anyway I'm finding it hard to match the rational part of my brain with the emotive part. By all accounts I should have forgotten about this girl, because frankly she's not that great - I know this...

She doesn't love me
She's a selfish person
She's unreliable
She craves affection from randomers
She can't do intimacy

But then of course she has positives. I know, though, that I need to move on from her - because her not loving me is reason anough for this.

So a problem over the last year was that we had intermittant contact, probably last having a meet-up (sex) early this year. Since then there has been no actual contact but moderate txt/mail/call (maybe averaged once a month). We no longer live close by and don't travel in same circles.
I've now cut off contact in a more definitive way.

But it's still there - how can someone you spent so much time with and share so much with, for so long;
1. not care
2. not even make the smallest bit of effort to resolve/ work through anything
3. become such an incredible bitch

I just want to erase her entirely from memory.

Wibbs

You can't. In fact it would be a bad thing if you could. It would mean that you had learned nothing. Now she could be the Mayoress Bitch of Bitchtown, Bitchtonia, but that's not really the issue.

You have the control over your own emotions. It may not feel it at times but you do. Every time you contact her or worse bone her, you're taking for yourself a long leap backwards on the path to moving on. You're heads being melted because IMHO you're interrupting the natural progression of the emotional loss involved in a breakup. Now in rare cases continued contact can work, in that it gives the person time to reflect and actually see how unsuitable the ex was and how much of a lucky escape they had, but as I say that's rare. As rare as exes remaining firm mates straight after a longtermer.

So don't contact her. It's actually a selfish act, or more self centered. It's all about how she will make you feel and how you hope she'll feel about you. Then how she treated you, how you were screwed over, how you lost 5 years etc. That's a lot of "you's". This is natural, we think of ourselves first and how our lover makes us feel first(though most don't see it). That's grand, even required in a two way loving relationship, but not in this scenario.

I would put good money that if I waved my magic wand and you were back together in the morning, it would solve nothing and you would be more unhappy. The relationship is dead, your respect for her sounds dead, so why are you busy flogging a corpse? Yes 5 years is a long time, but that 5 years will be wasted if you don't learn and move on from it. Lose her, find yourself and when you do then you'll find someone who won't be a dead loss longterm.

Practlcally, break all contact. None. Zip. Nada. Only then can you move forward.

MelanieC

So do.
I know it sounds harsh and believe me I know how hard it is but you just have to focus on putting her out of your mind and starting afresh a new stage of your life. You say you know she doesn't love you so you also know there's no hop of a reconcilliation. So let go, stop hanging on. It's the only way you can begin to find happiness again, a new different better happiness coz it is out there.

As for how can someone you spent so much of your life with not care about you anymore, it happens. I was with an ex for three years and had a baby with him before he suddenly left us. So I know how hard it is to get over that and try to get back on track but it will get easier. And I can honestly say now that although I spent three years of my life with him and had his baby I really do not care one little bit about him now. His existence in the world means absolutely nothing to me and I am blissfully happy with someone else and so relieved that I didn't end up with the first guy.

So it can be done. This is where she's at now obviously. And this is where you will be too, in time, if you make the conscious effort to let her go and allow yourself to seek out new things and people and experiences.

It will take time, maybe lots of time but trust me, you will eventually get to a point where you are happy without her in your life anymore and you will look back and think "Thank god I got out of that!" I know it's hard to believe right now, it was hard for me to believe when people were telling me but trust me - it will get better and you will be fine.:)

LegacyUser

Hello OP

Currently have just broken up with long term partner, yes it is very difficult and painful. I found the below link a good read. Yes it's tough and you veer between being sad/unhappy/angry but the key thing is to cut the contact - if you are the person who has been chucked it's not going to bring them back, which despite what many say is usually the underlying reason why people try to keep the communication open. You need to close the chapter on this, start focussing on building a new life for yourself.


http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/dumped.htm

Lucyx

Unregistere wrote: »

Hello OP

Currently have just broken up with long term partner, yes it is very difficult and painful. I found the below link a good read. Yes it's tough and you veer between being sad/unhappy/angry but the key thing is to cut the contact - if you are the person who has been chucked it's not going to bring them back, which despite what many say is usually the underlying reason why people try to keep the communication open. You need to close the chapter on this, start focussing on building a new life for yourself.


http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/dumped.htm

thats a very good article.

hits the nail on the head big time.

I can't offer you any advice OP but all I can say is I hope you feel better and honestly my heart goes out to you. its the most extraordinary pain.

wicklori

OP, I'm not going to be all condesending and say-I was in oyur position and look at me now, because we were all surrounded by those kind of wellmeaning well-wishers and it doesn't really help.

I broke up with my partner of 8 and a half years a few times and finally earlier this year. I was less devestated this time than previously but suffice as to say the debacle had continued for about 4 years.

I can only now see the wood for the trees.

All the negative points you listed about her mean she and you are not right together. It's very hard to accept, and I KNOW that cos I've been there. Time is the only thing that makes any difference. However there are a few things you can mull over which might help.

When was the last time you felt really happy? I was at the stage where I couldn't even identify happy! It had been so long. I still surprise myself when I have a real BELLY LAUGH with my new fella-like the sound is strange! For me it was like a switch flicked and I started to feel like the real me again. And I'm not exaggerating when I say it was three and a half years coming! Two weeks later-met himself-why? Cos I was happy! I was back making myself happy. I would love to know how it happened, but it did. And it will happen for you too.

You'll wake up one morning and the pain will have eased even more. You won't think about her for more than a few hours at a time and the rose tinted glasses will be removed as if by magic.

My one piece of advice-NO CONTACT! Send an email or something to say-this is it I'm letting you go. Even if your decide not to send it-word it, cry over it and save it. Then decide if you actually want to send it. Or write it-old fashioned-and burn it.

Allow yourself to have closure. It's over.... We never know what's next-and it's not always bad!

LegacyUser

I was in the same position a few months ago. It sucks but you will 200% get over it. The key is to not dwell about it. Its over. Her loss. Move on.

I was in a relationship for over 5 years and was a mess when it ended but now, I havent been happier.

Cutting contact is the key. Delete her from whatever social networking site you are on and delete her number (even though you know it by heart). Constant reminders of her will only get you down.

Good luck, buddy

Alz®

My buddy has a very similar story apart from the fact he has a 1 yr old daughter with his ex and he moved from family and friends in dublin to move to her in galway, got engaged after 4 years and she decided she wants her life back doesnt wanna settle down etc...

Sad story :eek:

LegacyUser

Much thanks for all the replies.

Wibbs - your comments on being self centred are very accruate. Me wallowing like this means I'm probably a bit unpleasant to be around at times, so immersed in myself I may be.
Also I've found I've been a serious a-hole to a few girls in the last 6 months - luckily I had some cop to basically end things immediately because I knew my heart was in no way in it and I was stringing them along. But at the same time I do actually feel v. bad about some of my actions - and that isn't a great feeling to lump on top of the others.

I also know I've been drinking too much and generally acting out.

And I should also note that those negative things I said about my ex are from MY perspective. I'm sure a third party might see a great girl in her. (They also might not!)

MelanieC, wicklori - it's good to hear from ppl who've been through it.


I pretty much know what needs to be done - I am definitely going to continue my no-contact, and while not encourage thoughts about the ex I think I'll just allow them do their own thing and not worry too much that I'm still thinking about her. As it's the disappointment that she's still in my head after so long that gets me down as much as the thoughts themself.

Another small thing actually - I really haven't spoken about these things to anybody, as quite honestly I amn't that close to people. I wouldn't like telling the girls I'm friends with as quite honestly they couldn't keep anything private (as much as they'd try) and then my good male friends - well basically I've already had my minor heart-to-hearts but I really wouldn't go into details with them.