Intimacy problems

LegacyUser

Hey folks. I have a problem thats eating me up.I`m in a great relationship, fantastic really. We`re getting married next year, been going out for 4 years. My partner is gorgeous(even if i am biased), she is a real stunner, always dresses well, hair always styled ect.. We have a great relationship. My problem however is in the bedroom. Without trying to sound horrible and insensitive, things have just gone totally boring. I`m quite a fit guy(by that i mean physically), i work out regular, maybe too much, and i like to make sure i look good. However my partner, while she is beautiful and has gorgeous curves, does not make an effort to keep things under control. She has put on a bit of weight in last while, mainly just a belly. But now all i see when we are naked is this belly. So the thoughts of sex with her on top puts me off, even doggie style as everything is hanging out. To be honest sex in general now is a chore, for that and other reasons. She doesn`t like or want to ever try anything new, handjobs always in same way, nothing changes. BJ`s when they do happen make me feel guilty because i know all she wants to do is stop. Forget about dressing up in lingerie, despite all the sexy lingerie i`ve bought for her it comes out of the box maybe once a year.
I don`t for one second want to sound like an insensitive selfish p***k here. I love everything about being intimate with someone. I`ve often giving her 2-3 orgasams and then as soon as things turn to me i loose interest. i could literally go for an hour no problem.
Now what i`ve found myself doing, and i hate myself for it, is pleasing myself when she is not around. Chatting on sites with strangers, swapping dirty secrets-fantasies ect and using these to get off myself.
Just wondering has anyone else this prob. We are in no fear of breaking up, everything is great apart from the bedroom..

opinion guy

ok.
now normally I try and take the OP's side in these things.

But two things immediately strike me about your post

a) Not once did you say that you love your other half. u seem quite impressed that she's good looking, but now that she's put on a bit off weight seems like you are mentally unchecking that box. Are her looks the only thing that made you enjoy sex with her ? I mean don't you love this woman for her charm, intelligence, wit, personality, warmth and so on as well as her looks ?

b) you seem quite pleased with yourself. it reads like you are boasting about your sexual prowess/fit body/sexual repertoire. Take this for example

"I don`t for one second want to sound like an insensitive selfish p***k here. I love everything about being intimate with someone. I`ve often giving her 2-3 orgasams and then as soon as things turn to me i loose interest. i could literally go for an hour no problem."

Reads like <mode = ross o'carroll-kelly> 'I'm focking great at sex, roight, but me bird just can't keep up'. </mode>
Kinda seems more like its your problem thou that anything wrong with her from what you are saying

shellyboo

Do not get married to this woman until you have resolved this issue.

Your girlfriend is not a trophy. Her having her hair always styled is not a valid reason to stay with someone. You sound like you don't actually fancy her because of her body, but you appreciate that she looks good to other people - that's kinda horrible.

I would always say that it's really important to be physically attracted to your partner, and that that's something you can't fake... but this is a small belly. If she had put on stones of weight, that would be different. What's going to happen when she gets pregnant? Her body will change, boobs will sag, that belly will remain. If you love someone, these small imperfections should not make a difference.

Do not marry this woman until you figure out if you can get over this superficial crap.

Terodil

Hmm, first off, I agree with everything opinion guy has said. It struck me as well that you, OP, never mentioned the word 'love' in your post. Shelly has also made a few good points.

That said, though, I can also empathise with you to a certain degree. You did mention that sex had gone stale and boring, that she didn't want to try out new things, and that she considered pleasing you (visually and physically) more like a chore than fun. Combine that with the perceived lack of self-control, and you end up wondering if she's got too comfortable in the relationship and what's going to happen a few years down the line (this conjecture brought to you by CrystalBall(tm)).

While I urge caution on the 'belly' side of things (see opinion guy and shellyboo above), I think you should address the issue I mentioned (if applicable at all) with her directly. Have you ever mentioned it to her?

shellyboo

Terodil wrote: »

That said, though, I can also empathise with you to a certain degree. You did mention that sex had gone stale and boring, that she didn't want to try out new things, and that she considered pleasing you (visually and physically) more like a chore than fun. Combine that with the perceived lack of self-control, and you end up wondering if she's got too comfortable in the relationship and what's going to happen a few years down the line (this conjecture brought to you by CrystalBall(tm)).

Oh, I agree here too... the lacklustre sex is something that needs to be addressed, but I don't see that happening while he's fixated on the belly. There's no way I could be good in bed if I had even an *inkling* that my partner was judging my wobbly bits.

opinion guy

Terodil wrote: »

Hmm, first off, I agree with everything opinion guy has said. It struck me as well that you, OP, never mentioned the word 'love' in your post. Shelly has also made a few good points.

That said, though, I can also empathise with you to a certain degree. You did mention that sex had gone stale and boring, that she didn't want to try out new things, and that she considered pleasing you (visually and physically) more like a chore than fun. Combine that with the perceived lack of self-control, and you end up wondering if she's got too comfortable in the relationship and what's going to happen a few years down the line (this conjecture brought to you by CrystalBall(tm)).

While I urge caution on the 'belly' side of things (see opinion guy and shellyboo above), I think you should address the issue I mentioned (if applicable at all) with her directly. Have you ever mentioned it to her?

+1

Oh The Humanity

You've got to tell her because even thought its obvious to you what's wrong. It's not to her. She is not a mind reader.
To give her a fair chance to do something about it.

She's probably slipped into complacency as we all do in a relationship and is unaware that her weight is such an issue.

Especially if you are giving her 3 orgasms a session: that is a non verbal way of telling someone you are mad into them.

So she will be totally unaware of any problem.

You're telling her one thing with your actions but feeling another thing entirely in your mind.

If you continue the way you are, deliberately concealing your true feelings from her but using the p0rn and chats online as well, then what you are doing is justifying your own actions without giving her a chance to know there is a problem.

So in other words you are deciding there is a problem, not sharing this with her, getting frustrated that she does nothing about it BUT THEN punishing her behind her back without giving her a chance to make good.

opinion guy

Hmmm wouldn't really agree with OTH. I certainly would not tell her 'ur not doin it for me cause yer fat love'.


So OP, to be a little less harsh on you than before. I think what you should do is talk to her all right. But I think maybe the approach should be something along the lines of - 'i think we should talk about our sex life'. I would even think you should consider maybe asking her first is it all good on her end - yes I know she is having 2/3 orgasms per shag, but hey maybe after she tells you her bit you might be able to give her 5 or 6. Then you might say your bit - DO NOT MENTION WEIGHT IN THIS CONVERSATION AT ALL WHATSOEVER. instead maybe say - well i bought you this nice lingerie but you never wear it - do you not like it ? or - you don't seem to enjoy giving me oral and i was wondering how you feel about it cos i really like it but don't want you to feel uncomfortable either ?

The point it this - ask her open ended questions that get at your problem points, but without being accusatory. Give her the chance to say whats going on in her head relating to these issues. don't under any circumstances say anything like - your not turning me on for w(eight),x,y,z reasons. seriously i can't stress it enough - don't even mention wiehgt in this context

this is not to say you shouldn't never ever discuss weight with her - there a time and a place for that. This is neither that time or the place ?

So OP - u still there? we giving you any useful advice/things to think about ?

Oh The Humanity

opinion guy wrote: »

Hmmm not sure I would agree with OTH exactly. I certainly would not tell her 'ur not doin it for me cause yer fat love'.

Of course not lol -he's gonna have to sugar the pill obviously BUT she has got to know.

They are getting married and so this is gonna be an issue for the next 50/60 years.

As a woman myself, I will tell you she knows deep down anyway. She might be turning a blind eye to it but she knows. She is just waiting for the yellow card to go up.

Its a very sensitive issue but he can't help what he fancies. BUT he can help deceiving her.

As I say, I am a woman. I struggle with my weight as a lot of women do. BUT if he doesn't tell her (in one way or the other) he will end up cheating on her and she will be outraged. THEN they'll have the conversation about her weight and believe me it'll be:

A. Too late
B. A lot less pretty

The bullet has to be bitten. Be it hints, incentives, encouragement whatever.

Personally I would rather be gently told that I am getting a little bit porkius piggius than to be totally unapproachable about it.

Ok its not nice to hear but at least the fella loves her enough to come clean and have the awkward conversation rather than be gritting his teeth while in the sack with her closing his eyes and thinking of someone else....

opinion guy

a little bit porkius piggius

lol

I take your point OTH. But I think that OP needs to explore other possiblities first before going down this road. As the OP himself said its not just about the weight, he feels the sex has become repetitive and she won't use the lingerie etc. so it seems there is more at play here I feel

Beetlebum

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Of course not lol -he's gonna have to sugar the pill obviously BUT she has got to know.

They are getting married and so this is gonna be an issue for the next 50/60 years.

As a woman myself, I will tell you she knows deep down anyway. She might be turning a blind eye to it but she knows. She is just waiting for the yellow card to go up.

Its a very sensitive issue but he can't help what he fancies. BUT he can help deceiving her.

As I say, I am a woman. I struggle with my weight as a lot of women do. BUT if he doesn't tell her (in one way or the other) he will end up cheating on her and she will be outraged. THEN they'll have the conversation about her weight and believe me it'll be:

A. Too late
B. A lot less pretty

The bullet has to be bitten. Be it hints, incentives, encouragement whatever.

Personally I would rather be gently told that I am getting a little bit porkius piggius than to be totally unapproachable about it.

Ok its not nice to hear but at least the fella loves her enough to come clean and have the awkward conversation rather than be gritting his teeth while in the sack with her closing his eyes and thinking of someone else....

Agree with this completely.
Also, I have been in cranky mode all day today but porkius piggius made me smile so thanks Oh The Humanity!

MelanieC

Surely if you love your partner then the act of sex should be about connecting emotionally and expressing your love for the person that she is, not what she looks like.
If you are already turned off her because she has put on a tiny amount of weight, you most definitely should not get married. I think if you truly loved her a little weight gain would not matter to you in the slightest, in fact you would be blind to it.

snowy2008

If your girlfriend turned around to you and said, you know what despite you being absolutly gorgeous, you have a bit of a tiny willy, but you know get an enlargement and i think we'll be set........think of her feelings, im sure your not perfect, none of us are, to be honest, you dont sound like your in it for the long run

LegacyUser

OMG I`ve created a monster. Ah no cheers for the thoughts and advice. Let me just clarify a few things, sometimes its very hard to express your whole feelings in writing without missing out on things as i`m sure you will agree.
Without doubt i love my partner, more than anything in world. Everything else in relationship is great. Reading back on my original post I can see why some think i am big headed or whatever you want to call it, that was the last thing on my mind i have to say.
Things have been talked about. Without mentioning weight i`ve suggested taking up fitness classes and so on. Then comes the reply ` oh is that your way of telling me i need to lose weight`... end of conversation!!! It is upsetting in a way as when we met she was active, did some classes in different things and so on, if we went on hols there would be no hassle with a bikini, now she wouldn`t even wear nice bra and knickers in the bedroom with the lights on. I find this hard to take as i work in fitness myself, in a way i feel like a failure myself- i am helping strangers to lose weight and get fit but yet i can`t start at home with my loved ones.
On the sex front, we`ve talked about it a few times. Mainly after herself getting upset after another fruitless attempt with a hand job. She asks me what can she do different ect, but then next time its the same story again. I think a few of you hit the nail on the head when saying that there is complacency there and maybe we`ve got too comfortable with things. Truth is i have lost count how many times i`ve tried to spice things up- bringing up fantasies and so on, but why on earth would i want to tie her hands to the bed and tease her, or ask her to get dressed up when all we are going to do is strip off anyway, or bring cream or melted chocolate into the bed, that would be horrible to eat it off a naked body. Shame on me for thinking these things.
So just to clarify, I LOVE HER. And i`m not that small minded and horrible to think a small belly is enough to turn me off the relationship

Elmer Blooker

Everybody is looking for the perfect relationship- it doesn't exist once the honeymoon period is over. It's normal for sex to turn into a chore eventually.
The reality is that sex is the most important thing for men in a relationship but for a woman security is the most important thing.
The day that every porn website and brothel closes down then I'll believe that the perfect relationship exists.

* no replies saying I'm a miserable s*** please it's just that I've been around a long time.

shellyboo

guestuser wrote: »

Mainly after herself getting upset after another fruitless attempt with a hand job. She asks me what can she do different ect, but then next time its the same story again.

Ok, No. 1. How long have you been masturbating for? Probably over ten years. Maybe even once a day for ten years. So... how in blue hell do you expect HER to be just as good at it as you?! It's entirely unrealistic. She is never, ever, ever, going to be able to give you manual stimulation in the way that you're used to because she can't feel what you feel. Give her a break on this one. She's trying. I don't know many women who can successfully get their guy off with a hand job.

guestuser wrote: »

I think a few of you hit the nail on the head when saying that there is complacency there and maybe we`ve got too comfortable with things. Truth is i have lost count how many times i`ve tried to spice things up- bringing up fantasies and so on, but why on earth would i want to tie her hands to the bed and tease her, or ask her to get dressed up when all we are going to do is strip off anyway, or bring cream or melted chocolate into the bed, that would be horrible to eat it off a naked body. Shame on me for thinking these things.
So just to clarify, I LOVE HER. And i`m not that small minded and horrible to think a small belly is enough to turn me off the relationship

Well what's the point in going out to dinner when you can just eat at home? What's the point in dressing up when you're just going to put your pyjamas on at the end of the day? What's the point in... anything?

If you're going to have a "what's the point" attitude, nothing is going to change. If eating chocolate off eachother or tying eachother up isn't what turns you on, don't do it. Figure out what DOES and do that instead. And in the meantime, you're not allowed to care about her belly. I don't think this is even about the belly, to be honest, it's just an easy target for your frustration with your sex life. Ask her to wear the lingerie. Do some research into sex tips online, the internet is full of them.

Terodil

shellyboo wrote: »

Ok, No. 1. How long have you been masturbating for? Probably over ten years. Maybe even once a day for ten years. So... how in blue hell do you expect HER to be just as good at it as you?! It's entirely unrealistic. She is never, ever, ever, going to be able to give you manual stimulation in the way that you're used to because she can't feel what you feel. Give her a break on this one. She's trying. I don't know many women who can successfully get their guy off with a hand job.

Agreed. However I gather from OP's post that he did tell her what he'd like her to change and she didn't make the effort to ACTUALLY learn. As in the words were there, the deeds weren't.

shellyboo wrote: »

Well what's the point in going out to dinner when you can just eat at home? What's the point in dressing up when you're just going to put your pyjamas on at the end of the day? What's the point in... anything?

If you're going to have a "what's the point" attitude, nothing is going to change. If eating chocolate off eachother or tying eachother up isn't what turns you on, don't do it. Figure out what DOES and do that instead.

That's the point he's making, Shelly. He was using indirect speech to render her attitude towards such ideas ("Shame on me for thinking these things.").

The reality is that sex is the most important thing for men in a relationship but for a woman security is the most important thing.

Often repeated, but not true in this generalising form. For me it's emotional attachment first, sex second. Very clearly. And I'm a man.

That's the kicker in the OP -- I somehow wonder why she wouldn't want to make him happier, esp. if he already addressed the issue with her several times. It just lets me wonder at a certain indifference on her part, really.

shellyboo

Terodil wrote: »

Agreed. However I gather from OP's post that he did tell her what he'd like her to change and she didn't make the effort to ACTUALLY learn. As in the words were there, the deeds weren't.

Yeah, fair enough. But hand jobs are difficult :pac:

Terodil wrote: »

That's the point he's making, Shelly. He was using indirect speech to render her attitude towards such ideas ("Shame on me for thinking these things.").

Ah, ok. Sorry, I have flu brain today.

cruizer101

teresa2008 wrote: »

If your girlfriend turned around to you and said, you know what despite you being absolutly gorgeous, you have a bit of a tiny willy, but you know get an enlargement and i think we'll be set........think of her feelings, im sure your not perfect, none of us are, to be honest, you dont sound like your in it for the long run

I understand the point you are making, that with love you accept and in fact appreciate your partners imperfections.
But please do not make the comparison of weight with penis size, this is a real gripe I have, these are two completly different things. One which can be controlled with a bit of hard work one which requires surgery.

Anyway, OP you need to talk about this and resolve the issue before you get married, talk to her maybe even suggest couple conselling, not necessarily to go, but even to get across how much this issue means to you.

Taltos

guestuser wrote: »

Chatting on sites with strangers, swapping dirty secrets-fantasies ect and using these to get off myself.
Just wondering has anyone else this prob. We are in no fear of breaking up, everything is great apart from the bedroom..

OP - no one else has picked up on this so I am going to jump all over it.
Do you know how many posts we see here from women / men who find their partners are on dating / chat sites and feel betrayed and less loved by this "emotional cheating"
You might not think you are at risk of breaking up - but trust me - if she were to find out about this one of a few things will happen

1. She will dump you for cheating
2. She will think it is her fault - that she is not attractive and may seek solace in food - leads to bigger belly.
3. Might think this is ok - do the same herself and meet a guy who loves her for being her and is able to take into account that her body changes as all of ours do when we age.

Also think Terodil hit the nail on the head - the fact that she is not trying is a telling sign. I wonder though - how clear have you been?
Are you having these conversations when you are both all emotional? If so it is no surprise nothing changes as the emotion aspect wipes our mind of all but the most hurtful comments - ie "you're fat" - hence less self-esteem and surprise more food.

Suggest that you take some time together to have a chat - an honest one - maybe even with a mediator.
As to the handjob - agree with shellyboo - so why not mix it up - get her to caress you down there while you do it or even help her. One thing to remember though is the angles are different and her hand is nowhere near as powerful as yours...

One final thing - try to find something you both like doing - maybe go for long walks / progress to hikes at weekend. Get bikes - go cycling. Just get out there and do more. While sex is important we do all age but we can try to hold it back. The most important thing in all this is you need to be very vocal to her that you Love her and do your best to help her confidence. She obv already knows she has put on weight - she has said as much. But with the rest it seems you both need to communicate better and don't assume the other knows. Just like you do in work repeat back the key things from the other person to make sure you heard and to let her know you understand her points also.

aidan24326

guestuser wrote: »

Truth is i have lost count how many times i`ve tried to spice things up- bringing up fantasies and so on, but why on earth would i want to tie her hands to the bed and tease her, or ask her to get dressed up when all we are going to do is strip off anyway, or bring cream or melted chocolate into the bed, that would be horrible to eat it off a naked body.

Perhaps you're not sexually compatible? You want to spice things up, make it a little more exciting/erotic, which is perfectly understandable and by no means an exclusively male thing. She doesn't really 'get' that, and doesn't appear willing to make much an effort. So to be honest, if she's not even willing to try I don't really see where you can go with this. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who was boring in bed.

Elmer Blooker wrote: »

It's normal for sex to turn into a chore eventually

Not necessarily. Depends on the timeframe of course. After 20 years of marriage it might (though again not necessarily, depends on the people involved) but the OP is a long long way from that stage.

The reality is that sex is the most important thing for men in a relationship but for a woman security is the most important thing.

That's a VERY lazy generalisation.

The day that every porn website and brothel closes down then I'll believe that the perfect relationship exists.

What on earth do you mean? What have porn websites got to do with whether people can have a happy relationship?

shellyboo wrote: »

Ok, No. 1. How long have you been masturbating for? Probably over ten years. Maybe even once a day for ten years. So... how in blue hell do you expect HER to be just as good at it as you?! It's entirely unrealistic. She is never, ever, ever, going to be able to give you manual stimulation in the way that you're used to because she can't feel what you feel. Give her a break on this one. She's trying. I don't know many women who can successfully get their guy off with a hand job.

It may not be how she's 'mechanically' doing it, but her attitude towards it. If she's making it feel like a chore and just going through the motions that's not going to be much of a turn-on. It's not about being a pornstar with the perfect handjob technique, it's about her being willing to have fun and experiment and try different things.

shellyboo

shellyboo wrote: »

Ok, No. 1. How long have you been masturbating for? Probably over ten years. Maybe even once a day for ten years. So... how in blue hell do you expect HER to be just as good at it as you?! It's entirely unrealistic. She is never, ever, ever, going to be able to give you manual stimulation in the way that you're used to because she can't feel what you feel. Give her a break on this one. She's trying. I don't know many women who can successfully get their guy off with a hand job.

Seriously? I don't know many who can't. It isn't that difficult, apart from the first few times. I think a lot of people just can't be bothered learning how to do it, tbh. It sounds like he's tried to tell her and she goes back to the same old useless method. That has to be quite frustrating. I don't think this is entirely his fault.

Taltos

[quote=[Deleted User];62219984]Seriously? I don't know many who can't. It isn't that difficult, apart from the first few times. I think a lot of people just can't be bothered learning how to do it, tbh. It sounds like he's tried to tell her and she goes back to the same old useless method. That has to be quite frustrating. I don't think this is entirely his fault.[/QUOTE]

Izzy - one thing to consider if he already masturbates alot himself he may have reinforced the one best way in his own head. So the more she tries the less she gets there - the more frustated he gets - finishes himself - and reinforces that.

OP - maybe take a break from this for say 2 or 3 wks - be prepared for the mood swings and try again... and again and again - ie if your body and more importantly your mind soon learns that things have changed it might re-wire itself.

Always easy to blame the other person - gawd knows anyone who knows me I never take resp if I can - but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP -

Suggest that you take some time together to have a chat - an honest one - maybe even with a mediator.
As to the handjob - agree with shellyboo - so why not mix it up - get her to caress you down there while you do it or even help her. One thing to remember though is the angles are different and her hand is nowhere near as powerful as yours...

Have tried this, and regreted it as when i `helped` her things happened no prob. So now if things don`t come as easy as we`d like(no pun ha ha) she just asks me to finish.

One final thing - try to find something you both like doing - maybe go for long walks / progress to hikes at weekend. Get bikes - go cycling. Just get out there and do more. While sex is important we do all age but we can try to hold it back.

Have tried a few different outings, walking, hiking, running and so on but they usually end after one or two outings..
I`m beginning to hate this now, I know the majority of you reading are thinking i`m a small minded p***k, esp the women. I don`t want to sound like a control freak who wants the perfect relationship, the perfect girl with the perfect body. Far from it, i`m a realist but i would like a happy fun loving sex life thats not routine or a repeat of every previous outing.

shellyboo

[quote=[Deleted User];62219984]Seriously? I don't know many who can't. It isn't that difficult, apart from the first few times. I think a lot of people just can't be bothered learning how to do it, tbh. It sounds like he's tried to tell her and she goes back to the same old useless method. That has to be quite frustrating. I don't think this is entirely his fault.[/quote]

Oh I don't think so either! I definitely think his gf needs to make more of an effort. But I do think that his expectations are a *tiny* bit high. She's not going to just magically change overnight, he's going to have to put effort in too, and a lot of that effort will be in lowering his expectations and compromising equally with her.

Taltos

guestuser wrote: »

Have tried a few different outings, walking, hiking, running and so on but they usually end after one or two outings..
I`m beginning to hate this now, I know the majority of you reading are thinking i`m a small minded p***k, esp the women. I don`t want to sound like a control freak who wants the perfect relationship, the perfect girl with the perfect body. Far from it, i`m a realist but i would like a happy fun loving sex life thats not routine or a repeat of every previous outing.

How many of these things has she actually suggested?
It really does seem like you are trying and yes it is really easy to misinterpret someone on these things
Maybe just keep trying new things until you find something she has a love for - or stick at it for a bit longer.
Some other suggestions.
> biking - a bit easier than running etc
> wall climbing
> ice-skating
> kayaking
I think the trick here is to get her to tell you what she wants.

But - if this is breaking you down bit by bit and she seems oblivious maybe you are reaching the point where for the sake of yourself and your own confidence you need to step away. Maybe for a weekend with some friends but maybe longer...

opinion guy

Yes I kind of agree with taltos.

I still feel like u need to get her to talk about things. It seems like she might have some issue she's not talking about and you need to listen to.

I'm also wondering - is it just the sex you are bored with - or is it the relationship in general ?

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

Yes I kind of agree with taltos.

I still feel like u need to get her to talk about things. It seems like she might have some issue she's not talking about and you need to listen to.

I'm also wondering - is it just the sex you are bored with - or is it the relationship in general ?

yeah i hear what ye are saying. Talking will have to be done, a bit more so than in the past. Just on the boredom, def just the sex, everything else is great-everything.Things could be a lot worse, i`m sure that there a lot of others worse off than me. Cheers for all the views