Totally Confused

LegacyUser

There is a lot to this story but I'll do my best to be concise.

I met the girl, liked the girl(alot) wnet on numerous dates etc. with the girl, girl decided she wasn't really feeling it, didn't want to be in a relationship wanted to be friends etc.

I didn;t give up, probably should have but i was crazy bout her and decided to be persistant, Didn't really get me anywhere, nearly lost contact totally,

3 weeks ago said ok lets do the friends thing, I give up!! but i do have a real fun time with you so ok we'll hangout every now and again. (i meant it too, wasn't trying to be sneaky or anything, id wasted enough time on her, if she wasn't into it so be it, plenty more fishies etc.)

Fast forward last weekend, Was her Birthday, said it would be nice to bring her out for lunch, orgainised a little muffin with a candle thing in the restaurant, nothing major just something nice for a friend, also bought her a cheap little teddy, just kind of a happy birthday and sorry for annoying ya so much last couple months,...seemed cool, air cleared, nothing really lost and a cool friend gained, i had wanted more, but had come to terms with it and was finally happy with the situation..

Heres where it gets good (depending on how you look at it),

Get a call last nite, she was out with girlfriends and was a bit drunk, wasn't even gonna answer, it was late, but did just incase there was a prob, she proceeds to tell me last week was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her, she thinks she LOVES me, wants to be with me, but didn't want to get into anything cos she doesn't think shes good enough (we are from differing backrounds not that i care one iowta) she wants me to meet her family but is afraid i'll be scared off by them etc.

This went on for over an hour, aswell as some kindof heated things which i obviously won't go into.....

So after all that i guess my Question is, what should i do, i do like her but was starting to get over it, now if there is a chance i would definatley give it a go but is this to weird a start after everything that has gone down over the last few months, I haven't talked to her today, she is still gonna be in bed after last night...I don't even know if this was just drink talk, don't think it is to be honest as she has said in the past that she liked me alot but....then no real explaination, if it is just down to her feeling intimadated by the differing family backrounds surely this is something we could overcome, Ireally couldn't care less if her family were a group of Circus freaks, (which i know they're not, infact they sound like really good people)......Kind of ironic in a way, the old cliche of the man getting a woman because of his success/money or whatever seems to be working the other way around here!!!

Any opinions appreciated, does this just sound like a girl after to much wine looking for attention or does it sound like she does have feelings for me...

Wibbs

I'd reckon the latter, but it's how she deals with these emotions and whether she's willing to move forward with you. A sit down talk sounds in order. Where you can make clear her worries are just that, worries and not reality.

LegacyUser

well had a chat last night, say's she didn't remember what she was saying was very drunk and not to pay any attention.

I was annoyed, she knows how i feel about her yet she keeps persisting in telling me she loves me and wants to be with me everytime she has a few drinks....

I told her straight out that she can't say this if she doesn't mean it, that its not fair and i deserve better, ive only ever been honest with her...

She agreed said she was sorry, then she says she does have feelings for me, but just doesn't know what it means or what to do, then the timeless "lets just see what happens"...

At the time to be honest i felt good hearing this, but this morning im annoyed, seems she just wants me kept hanging on, till she decides one way or the other...

Any opinions now, am i right thinkiing she just likes me in my place where she can get attention when she wants or is she really just confused, (to be fair she seems to be a bit of a mixed up girl, in alot of ways)

Dont think its meant to be this hard.....

krudler

Run like the wind I say, typical game playing, doesnt know what she wants girl, just wanting to be chased by the sounds of things, and do you want to get involved with a "mixed up" girl from the offset? thats only going to lead to disaster further down the line, from my own experiences I have zero tolerance for drama cases any more, either you like someone and ant to get involved with them or dont but I cant stand this "lets see what happens" "lets be friends first" ****, its not that difficult

Terodil

I don't remember who it was that said this (Wibbs?), but it stuck in my head: 'I don't do confused.'

If she really cares for you she wouldn't be playing these games with you and make up her mind at very long last! It's long overdue, what she's doing with you is selfish and cruel. Perhaps she's testing out your limits?

I would walk, and this is the important bit: I would walk with the full intention of walking and concluding this chapter in your life. If she comes back to you after that, even though you've officially finished it, and promises to stop playing the games and tells you exactly where she sees you two (i.e. in a relationship), then you *may* consider going back. Otherwise, keep on walking.

She's going to do your head in otherwise.

Wibbs

Ahh Confused tm. Well now she's shown her colours I'd say. She's a letter perfect example of the Confused tm type. Let's see what happens/I'm not sure how I feel/I like you but/etc.. The classics. You could model her in platinum and stick her in a vault in Paris and use her as the primary measure*.

If we're gonna be kind we could say she is confused and doesn't know her own emotions, but doesn't want to hurt you with her real feelings. Not something you want to get tied up in as it's highly unlikely she'll change in that with you. Of course someone else comes along and she'll magically be cured of her confusion. If were gonna be unkind, we could say she's hedging her bets. She likes you but doesn't want get it on with you beyond a brief (drunken)snog at the end of the night. That keeps you sweet and thinking something is going to happen and keeps you passive and unthreatening and of course keeps you around for what she actually wants and that's emotional support/friendship.

Now that we've callously broken her down here, this only happens in my humble when the guy plays into it, when the guy doesn't know how to read the signs or does but doesn't listen to his instincts and ploughs on regardless, distracted by her big eyes and nice bum(or the turn of her ankle if he's Victorian). Men IMHO make the mistake of thinking that if they work on it more then they will get more results. Grand, but not when the foundations are built on sand. Would I be right to put good money down that you got the sinking feeling that something was amiss very early on? Second or third date? Where you felt you were pushing her for an answer? Exactly. So there's two tangoing here IMHO.

If you meet someone and something appears to be there and you go on a few dates(dont judge on the first, it's usually awkward for both) and this kinda thing pops up. If you only get any girlfriend responses when she's drunk, you only get a polite snog after you've basically pushed for it, if she won't meet you for non pub dates, if she tells you the lines above, if she is Confused tm in one too many ways. The basic signs. OK then make your way to the nearest emotional exit and jump. If you don't you will get Confused tm yourself.

As for keeping her as a mate, fine, but only if that's what you truly want and nothing more. IMHO that only works if both are on the same page. If you harbour feelings for her, why torture yourself? I don't get that martyr thing, as Terodil said I don't do confused tm and I've enough real friends of both genders thanks very much.

Good lesson learned. Move on, scrape her off and next time you get the gra for someone, listen to your instincts. It can be bloody hard when the bloods up I grant you, but if you're not getting what you want then bale. What you want is a romantic/sexual/emotional relationship with someone. Godd if she wants the same, otherwise life is too short and there are too many women who will want that to waste it on someone who doesn't. Harsh? Maybe, but I've found that's a good yardstick. The word girlfriend sums it up. Girl is the first word and should be the first thing you engage, then the friend part. If you're lucky both happen at the same time, but you will want to be very lucky to translate friend into girl though. It does happen, but I would say there are patterns there when it does. This isn't one of them.





*I'm saying she here, but men do Confused tm just as much but usually go about it differently. They say similar but push for the nookie more and the woman thinks that the more she sleeps with him the more chances she has to translate that into a relationship. Rarely happens.

MelanieC

She's stringing you along and using you as an emotional crutch when she needs one, whether she means to or not. Doesn't sound like she'll ever take responsibility for her own life or decisions. So you will never get what you want out of this, not properly or fully. So protect yourself and get out. There's better out there.:)

LegacyUser

Yeah, nail on the head....I do really like her she knows this, and i feel she is taking advantage of it now,

What has got "me confused" is the fact that she told me few weeks ago she only wanted friendship, i accepted this...was moving on, then this kind of carry on..last night she didn't say she was confused, she said she didn't know what i wanted her to say, told her i just wanted her to be honest, that she has my head melted with the whole "i think i love you, iwish you were here with me" when she's drunk and then the whole, "don't mind what i was saying" when sober, Her reply was " i do have feelings for you , i like you, but lets take things easy and see what happens", well if she does why is she doing this hot and cold crap, ok at the start of something i underestand ppl do this, testing limits, seeing is it worth a try, but this is months later....

But I dunno do people say this just cos their drunk? I talk crap sometimes when after a few beers everyone does but would never go into the realms of the L word, maybe thats just me....I mean she was playing a song in the backround aswell saying "listen im playing our song babes"....c'mon like, thats hardly random drunken talk is it? I could even understand if it was a one time thing, but all the time....i dunno, maybe its wishful thinking but i think that there is a chance she is hiding from her own true feelings cos she doesn't wanna be hurt (again)

To be fair the way i acted at the start (was in a bad emotional place at the time, nothing to do with her) most people would have run a country mile, but she didn't she stuck around...so i really do think there is something there,

But the decision is made, I can't keep chasing, its only a head wreck....im backing off but the thing is im fairly sure that after a week or so im gonna get this all over again, and if i do i dunno will i be able to just say "go away, im not listening anymore"

Thanks for the advice, it has helped, i'm convinced now that i mey never really now whats going on in her head, so just gonna have to try and stop trying to figure her out, sad cos we really are well suited, but its down to her now, i can do no more!!!