Keeping up appearences

LegacyUser

Had a hospital stay recently with DS. It is one of numerous hospital stays as child has severe health/development issues

Needless to say my ex did a runner when he was a few months old. He maintains he left me not the child but hey my child now only has a part time daddy, he took me to court, got nowhere.

Now at the hospital he did an oscar winning performance of being a caring daddy and partner, he couldnt do enough for me. Now as I love him very much, I lapped it all up. Everyone had the impression that we were a loving couple...... It couldnt be further than the truth.... I'm completely on my own apart from the once a week access he gets.

Now that our child is back home, he is back to his cold clinical self......

Im facing another hospital stay... and I want to nip this behaviour in the bud now..... I dont want people all thinking wow isnt he great... Should I comment saying well actully Im a single mammy????? bearing in mind the most important thing is the well being of my toddler and not his desire to portray the perfect daddy which is just not true

Hospital stays with a child is very very stressful without him behaving like this???? please advise.............

Zaph

Sorry OP, but what's a DS?

SarahSassy

Zaph wrote: »

Sorry OP, but what's a DS?

'Darling son'

The only way you can stop this is by stopping lapping it up.... He sounds like a A-hole, but you are allowing him behave like this. Time to put your foot down and let people see him for the wimp he is.

LegacyUser

hospitalmam wrote: »

Now at the hospital he did an oscar winning performance of being a caring daddy and partner, he couldnt do enough for me.

That's great that he was there to support you and your child during this stressful time

hospitalmam wrote: »

Im facing another hospital stay... and I want to nip this behaviour in the bud now.....

What the being caring daddy and partner

hospitalmam wrote: »

I dont want people all thinking wow isnt he great... Should I comment saying well actully Im a single mammy????? bearing in mind the most important thing is the well being of my toddler and not his desire to portray the perfect daddy which is just not true

I think the fact that you love him and he rejected your love has made you bitter. You seem to be concerned with other peoples opinion of him and you want them to have a negative opinion of him.

hospitalmam wrote: »

Hospital stays with a child is very very stressful without him behaving like this???? please advise.............

What way do you want him to behave.

It's his child also, so it is a stressful time for him aswell, he was there to support you and child in your time of need, that was a good deed

LegacyUser

The problem is behind closed doors he is a total Ass.......e and he doesnt treat either me or the child very well.... in that he comes very last on his list of priorities.....

and yes of course I lapped it up but the other people in the ward were all commenting how great it is to have a partner like that and to avoid any aqward situations I just said nothing. Then the minute we left the hospital he completely changed

and nope he doesnt find the hospitals very stressful coz he is in complete denial of how severe the childs problems are.

Of course I am bitter at how badly me and child have been treated but I just want to get on with the times in hospitals without him suddenly turning into daddy of the year coz he is in the public eye.

He is also emotionally playing with my feelings.

So what I would like advice on is how to nip it in the bud the minute I walk tru the hospital doors????? Really the situation is stressful enough for me and the child without the oscar winning performances

Taltos

What about this - next time he starts all the fawning.

Just step back from him -
Loudly and clearly say his name - ie "David or Jonathon" or whatever
Look him slowly up and down and then make hard eye contact - don't break this contact...
"Does this mean you have reconsidered abandoning us and are going to come back home so we can be a proper family again?"

Wait for his answer - let him break the eye-contact and watch the fun begin (ie. have someone there with you).
Just hope you are ready for the potential fallout.

Lets face it - this is all a show he is putting on for the benefit of those watching and to make himself feel better. So be honest and open with all there - if he has no-one to play to then he will give up.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

What about this - next time he starts all the fawning.
Just step back from him -
Loudly and clearly say his name - ie "David or Jonathon" or whatever
Look him slowly up and down and then make hard eye contact - don't break this contact...
"Does this mean you have reconsidered abandoning us and are going to come back home so we can be a proper family again?"
.

I did try something like this before on a previous hospital stay, The fallout was a look of shock on the other peoples faces.......

I guess he doesnt want to admit the that he is the sort of boy that walks out on his family. He maintains he left me, not the child but it seems he doesnt want to admit to the world what he has done.

I did laugh at your reply though

patftrears

hospitalmam wrote: »

I guess he doesnt want to admit the that he is the sort of boy that walks out on his family. He maintains he left me, not the child but it seems he doesnt want to admit to the world what he has done.

I did laugh at your reply though

He is not the sort to walk out on his family.
1. He fought for custody of the child
2. He takes the child once a week
3. He attends hospital visit with the child.

He walked out on his relationship with you because he doesn't love you not the child.

Do you know how many fathers walk out and never see their child ever, you need to get over the rejection.
You are coming across as very bitter and negative towards the guy. This thread is not about how you could get him to be more supportive as your child is in hospital.
This thread is about how you can get other people to stop thinking he is a nice person, that is just malicious.

CDfm

OP - you are the primary carer and he is the weekend visitor.So its your responsibility and thats how the court orders have played out.

I am a divorced Dad of 2 and my feeling is that this is a situation which has evolved through the access arrangements.I can't compare mine to yours as I wasn't in a situation with children with health problems.

Now I do sympathize with you and your son.

I just wonder if in your situation it would be beneficial to register with the family mediation services as there are matters to be sorted that need a bit more goodwill.

http://www.fsa.ie/familymediation/index.html

Its easy for the court system to change your mindset as it is adversorial but as your child gets older it is important that you have a bit more of a choice.

Best of luck OP and I hope everything works out.

AMK

How annoying. You can't nip this in the bud in advance of the next hospital visit because on the face of it he has behaved in a caring and responsible manner. But you can prepare yourself for the next time by determining to behave towards him the way you would behave at any other time. The reason people thought you and he were a loving couple was because you played your part in the illusion. Stop lapping it up - it's not been done for your benefit.

I wouldn't say anything to other people in the hospital if you find yourself in a similar situation again purely out of respect for your child (although a wry smile might be OK!). This is his father, after all, and however you feel it is in his best interests to have him in his life no matter how small the degree of his involvement.

CDfm

AMK wrote: »

How annoying. You can't nip this in the bud in advance of the next hospital visit because on the face of it he has behaved in a caring and responsible manner. But you can prepare yourself for the next time by determining to behave towards him the way you would behave at any other time. The reason people thought you and he were a loving couple was because you played your part in the illusion. Stop lapping it up - it's not been done for your benefit.

I can't disagree strongly enough.

If the guy is making an effort it is all too easy to fit into the old pattern of behavior when really the real issue is the welfare of the child.

The hospital should be a neutral venue to build on the childs needs.

LegacyUser

Yep I did lap it up, hard not to though coz he does know how I feel. This is a mistake I wont be repeating but he is emotionally playing with my feelings

BTW we are not talking about a caring daddy here... and he did love me until he had a son with problems and then left. I have to deal with the consequeces of this every day and for any of you who have never had a child with serious problems, it would be very hard to understand. Obviously I cant mention to much on here but he isnt that interested in happy families........ he did the court thing etc to look good in front of the family..... money being no problem to him. He never turns up to most appointments and the ones he does come to he is very late. I cant really say any more here. When he takes son off me for access, he is handed straight over to the family.

And I know there are plenty of great dads who are separated who would love to be more involved in their childrens lives but cant... and its ppl like my sons father who give the rest a bad name

And yep the welfare of the child is paramount. I would like to go to these appointments, get them over with and just deal with him sort of like its a business arrangement and Im now aware that my response to his fawning make it even worse

LegacyUser

Just wanted to add that my sons father has just cancelled several access visits so he can go away on holidays. During his holidays my son will be in hospital for some very important tests. I may come across as bitter but sure who wouldnt in my situation.

Im happy to get on with things but could do without him emotionally playing my feelings

Taltos

hospitalmam wrote: »

I may come across as bitter but sure who wouldnt in my situation.

I know one of the others made bitter comments - but I have not seen that at all from your posts.
I also did not pick up from your first post that he was the model father
But the clarification you gave should help the others phrase some way to advise you.

I know it is hard sometimes hearing what you want to hear but I think you are doing the right thing. Everytime you see him / hear him just picture that pig from Daffy Duck and hear that voice

But do not let him play you anymore.
Encourage him to be there for his son but let him know you have moved on and he needs to as well.

Best of luck - with the problems of your son this is one distraction you could really do without - so just say that to him. Ask him why he insists on acting out like this when you both need to stay focussed on who is important here.
Don't do this in the ward - ask him downstairs to the canteen for coffee and a quick chat and have this chat there. Even have a friend on standby just for moral support.

LegacyUser

I guess I didnt get my point across very well in that I meant he plays up to his family and any audience that he is a model daddy but behind the scenes he is not really interested.

A family member has admitted there is nothing they can do about his lack of interest in his child, they support him nonetheless.

I am really really worried about my son at the moment and for the long term. Daddy on the other hand thinks all will be fine but then he is not walking in my shoes every day. I would like to add that he was a player before we met and he has gone back to that. Ive given up my career as my son needs a very high level of care so money is a real problem for me. His father has given up nothing only us.

But sure I cant stay in a relationship with someone who will never put their child first. I will def have to try a different approach when the public displays start

AMK

I agree with Taltos - a friend on standby would give you moral support.

It sounds like you have an awful lot to deal with and are obviously a great mother. I hope you have some support from your own family and friends to help you deal with all this.

It also sounds like he just doesn't have the maturity to deal with the realities of the situation. Families know you better than anybody else so it's possible his family know well that this is an act and are trying to do their bit to maintain the access arrangements in the hope that one of these days he'll wake up and cop on to himself. It's also possible they want to make sure you get a break knowing your son is being cared for in good hands.

I know it's hard not to be bitter. You got dealt the same hand as he did but you are carrying the load. Even so, bitterness is a very destructive emotion and harms you but doesn't affect him in the slightest. Don't let it grip you too tightly.

It might be just as well he isn't around for the tests. It would just add to your difficulties. Mind you, it does show where his priorities lie.

My heart goes out to you and I really wish you the best of luck, especially with the tests.

CDfm

OP - you sound very sensible and it is a bit messy.

You do the access thing well. A suggestion might be that the person who is looking after your child when he is handed over,probably his Mum or sister, attends the appointments rather than him. Maybe you can suggest that. Like it or not as your child gets older and you move on with your life it makes sense to have care options available to give you a break too.

I know you have feelings for the guy. Like it or not this is a long term thing and you need to look at it like that. Your child and the professionals who deal with him have seen it all before and have a fair idea whats going on.

Best of luck OP.