Am really Annoyed

LegacyUser

Have been friends with a married couple for 10 years, I myself am separated a couple of years. About 6 months ago I was in this couples house, wife was heading off with her girlfriends for weekend and during the conversation the husband said he would be dining alone in a local restaraunt on one of the nights and would I like to go along as he would be by himself.

He said this in presence of wife so nothing sneaky as far as I was concerned, she encouraged it as a good idea and although I felt a bit awkward, I accepted the invite. Had eats with him the following night, good chat and that was it, home by 11pm. Oh and sent a text to her at the end of the night to say the food was good etc.. didnt think about it again,

But over the past few months noticed a major cooling off from her, she was pleasant but no invites to house or parties. Anyway husband makes contact this week to tell me that the reason there was no contact was because he said to the wife after that dinner how much he enjoyed it and my company and as a result of what he said, she wasnt happy and wanted me out of their circle. Anyway I listened to what he said and I dont want to stay in contact with him as that just seems inappropriate in the circumstances.
Anyway am furious with her because it basically now seems like she doesnt trust me and I have absolutely no interest in her husband and have always acted properly.

So...Would you approach her and ask her why she isnt making contact and have it out or is this something I should just let go. By the way we're not kids...supposedly we're adults

Silverfish

Well, off the bat I'd say that her behaviour is very strange, since she encouraged you to go.

But perhaps, upon further thought, it's not YOUR behaviour thats the issue, but her husbands? Perhaps when he told her what a great evening he had, perhaps some more came out, or was misinterpreted?

I don't think it's your intentions towards him that's the issue, but perhaps his feelings / intentions towards you?

SarahSassy

wenton wrote: »

she encouraged it as a good idea

I suspect she had a huge issue with it but thought it would look bad if she expressed her problem with this. So instead of dealing with it face on she let the issue cause a huge rift...

I personally would not have taken the risk of upsetting the wife and would have said no to the hubby in the first place..

Am curious what he is playing at here? Who was your frined first, him or her? Was he gamey on the night? Would suspect he is game for a bit of offside and the wife is suspicious...

I would ask her to her face what the problem is.

LegacyUser

Hmmmm thanks SilverFish you could be right. I'm just so annoyed that she doesnt trust me. Part of me wants to have it out with her and part of me says just let it go..I suppose I dont really know what really goes behind their own closed doors

(BTW I should have said that no third party was involved in my own separation)

LegacyUser

Thanks Sarah
On hindsight I should have thought of something to get out of it, and although I was uncomfortable she was really pushy that I should go and believe it or not I didnt want to offend her by refusing. I must be incredibly naieve!!!

Silverfish

I don't think you did anything wrong whatsoever.

I would understand her behaviour being viewed as extremely odd if you were friends with them for a few months or something, and then her husband going on about what great company you were, but after 10 years - surely she must know you're great company, or else they wouldn't have been friends with you for so long!

I definitely think the husband MAY have said more to her than what he told you he said - and perhaps they're sorting that out between them.

I would however (for the sake of a 10 year friendship) make contact with her and ask her outright if she feels you did something wrong - either she says 'Well, I feel x,y or z' and you either sort it out or not, or things continue as they are.

So the only option out of the two that may get the friendship back is to contact her and see how that goes.

LegacyUser

Thanks Guys
sorry Sarah, didnt answer your questions. I didnt consider him "gamey" on the night but I wasnt looking at the night that way,just friends chatting so I probably wouldnt have noticed if he was. He is quite fliratious with women but again I would just ignore that, as nothing would ever have crossed my mind.

Silverfish I think youre right, youre very insightful, and thats good advice. I will make contact, unlikely the friendship will be restored but at least I will have it cleared up one way and another.

Thanks both of you for helping clarify this.

SarahSassy

Well from what I heard from female friends who got separated, typically the remaining wives dont like the threat of a single woman in their group and sooner or later they were squeezed out.

I woudl still ask her what happened. Dont want her telling the other wives in your group half a story and you looking bad.

opinion guy

I'm sorry I don't understand why people are blaming the husband here. Sounds like he was straight up. He told his wife he had a good time. Why would he say that if he was working any kind of angle ? Sorry it sounds totally to me like the wife has just thrown a jealousy flounce. Me personally, I'd call her on it and hash it out with her. But then I'm less averse to direct conversations than most.

SarahSassy

opinion guy wrote: »

Why would he say that if he was working any kind of angle ?

To make his intentions appear honest by appearing 'open'. Maybe I am just a cynic and have seen to many married men making moves both away and in front of their wives (occupational hazard at work :rolleyes: ). I just hate flirtatious 'taken' men, they make my skin crawl...

opinion guy

SarahSassy wrote: »

To make his intentions appear honest by appearing 'open'. Maybe I am just a cynic and have seen to many married men making moves both away and in front of their wives (occupational hazard at work :rolleyes: ). I just hate flirtatious 'taken' men, they make my skin crawl...

Yeah I'm sorry but you are kinda too cynical. I kind of find this attitude that us men are just unable to control ourselves borderline offensive.

Anyhow OP, thinking about it a little more - she's trying to push you out of circle of friends -husband said this ? So she doesn't trust you and she doesn't truast hubbie. Both you and hubbie should be pissed.Trying to push you out of circle thou is more than just ignoring you - then I'd definitely talk it out with her. I woulnd't let that sort of thing slide - not if i valued the circle at least.

SarahSassy

opinion guy wrote: »

I kind of find this attitude that us men are just unable to control ourselves borderline offensive.

Thats not what was said as I dont believe that - turst me I am very pro men If I believed that all men were sods then I would be single....

He is flirtatious, instigating private dinners and calling her to give out about his wife... Come on.....

Chucky the tree

Wife sounds like the last person I'd never want to spent my time with or be friends with so I don't understand why you'd want to keep in contact with her, I'd count it as a blessing that you found with little mess what she's like.

opinion guy

SarahSassy wrote: »

Thats not what was said as I dont believe that - turst me I am very pro men If I believed that all men were sods then I would be single....

He is flirtatious, instigating private dinners and calling her to give out about his wife... Come on.....

SS thats your interpretation.
but reallyI don't see it that way at all.
He asked her out for dinner. wife said yes. encouraged it even. hardly a private dinner
he told wife he had a nice time. all very open. nothing bad with that. in fact is that not what an honest man would do ?
after several months of no contact husband makes contact to let OP know why. I'm sorry but where is there anything flitatious in any of that. Sounds to me like husband felt guilty cause he knew his wife was being unreasonable and wanted to let OP know the reason so she woulnd't be left feeling cast aside without knowing why. very very much sounds like wife for whatever reason threw an insecurty strop that OP is the victim of and sounds like husband is being quite the gent if you as me.

Sorry sarah - i don't mean to be adversarial at all - but OP didn't really say anything to indicate the husband was being flirty and if you see that in this story i think that says more about how you interpret things than it does the husband. don't ya think ?

SarahSassy

wenton wrote: »

He is quite fliratious with women but again I would just ignore that, as nothing would ever have crossed my mind.

OPinion Guy I hope you are right - guess these jaded eyes have seen too much

opinion guy

SarahSassy wrote: »

OPinion Guy I hope you are right - guess these jaded eyes have seen too much

sorry sarah i actually did miss that.

but I think you'll find the full quote is

sorry Sarah, didnt answer your questions. I didnt consider him "gamey" on the night but I wasnt looking at the night that way,just friends chatting so I probably wouldnt have noticed if he was. He is quite fliratious with women but again I would just ignore that, as nothing would ever have crossed my mind.

paints quite a different picture wouldn't you say ? Again i see a selective interpretation here. if this man is overly flirtatious then that between him and his wife i would say. but the OP clearly did not have a problem with it on the night. Again the hubbie was honest with his wife and told her he had an enjoyable evening. I'm sorry whats the problem here. you are putting an interpretation on things that there is no evidence to back up according to what OP has told us


but we sidetrack sarah.

OP something else also strikes me as odd about this woman's behaviour.. If this woman was your friend for ten years - why would she not say anything to you ? i mean if i felt that my friend of ten years had been inappropriate with my partner - i'd have a few things to say about it. I'd certainly want an explanation. i woulnd't just stop talking to them.

Oryx

Op, I think you didnt do anything wrong, but the situation just clanged some sore points in their relationship, or in her head. Either she has had ongoing problems with her husbands flirtation in the past, or she is simply insecure or jealous.

If I were in your situation, I would phone her and ask if she would come out with you for a coffee. Sit down with her and ask her whats wrong, and explain your side. You have nothing to apologise for, but you need her to know that directly from you.

If that fails, you need to write off the friendship, but at least youll have made the effort. Even if the friendship is never the same, it might save some of the bad feeling that goes with things like this. Life is always too short to make new enemies, so at least, clear the air.

opinion guy

actually oryx has just put it much much better than i have. listen to oryx

LegacyUser

Hi Folks

Thanks for all the input. Have just done what Oryx suggested. Have sent text to arrange meet up for coffee and will put it too her that there is obviously something that needs to be sorted out. Will meet her next week, so will let you know!

chucky the tree, thanks, there is something in what you say. I have done nothing at all wrong and am really disappointed that she would think I had. And my "real" friends know exactly that would be the case.

Opinion Guy, I am a bit puzzled why she wouldnt just say it to me, but in reality she is probably not great dealing directly with conflict, would be a very emotional person(maybe thats the problem!)

Thanks again guys I really appreciate all your comments, really does help to stand back a bit from it all.

SarahSassy

Best of luck. You did nothing wrong and its a shame Mrs Wifey doesnt know who her friends actually are....

Oryx

Yeah, good luck with the meet up. Hopefully it will be like most of these misunderstandings, the minute you start to talk about it, it dissappears like it was never there.

opinion guy

SarahSassy wrote: »

Best of luck. You did nothing wrong and its a shame Mrs Wifey doesnt know who her friends actually are....

+1

good luck wenton. i hope you guys work things out

reesa

Sounds like a set up to me.

She probably knew her husband liked you - encouraged him to have dinner with you in a public place - and now she has a "reason" to freeze you out.
To an outsider and possibly most of her friends she comes up smelling of roses.
She sounds very manipulative.

I don't want to sound mean but what were you thinking having dinner with your "friends" husband alone?

I just watched a great movie recently "The House of Mirth" - there was a character called Bertha who pulled off a stunt very like this.
Beware of such women.

LegacyUser

Quelle Surprise. Arranged coffee with herself for yesterday and got a text yesterday morning to say she couldnt make it and no suggested alternative!!!
So I think this is one I let go and just chalk up to experience.

Thanks for all the views and opinions guys....Much Appreciated.

lynsalot

Hey OP, that's such a shame. She obviously doesn't realise what she's missing. a ten year friendship is hard to come by and took a lot of effort to maintain. I don't think u did anything wrong. Both of them were ur friends. I personally wouldn't mind my husband having dinner with one of my close friends.

You can't control your friend's actions but she's obviously feeling insecure about her husband. Perhaps he told her a different version of events than he told you? Either way after ten years you deserve to be treated better than this.

No doubt when it's worked out or resolved, she'll come back with her tail between her legs.

jmbkay

I think you're better off away from this couple and their "Games". As you said, chalk it up to experience. No one really knows what goes on in a marriage. Leave them to it.

AMK

It's not you she doesn't trust, it's her husband. You just got caught up in this through no fault of your own.

She's wasting her time doing this. Either she is wrong about her husband and is ruining a friendship and probably damaging her marriage through jealousy or she is right and thinks she can solve the problem by banning contact. She's on a loser either way, especially if she is right about him. What's she going to do? Lock him up where he won't come into contact with any woman other than her. If he wants to play away, he'll do it.

I don't blame you for feeling angry. I do think you made a mistake accepting the dinner invitation in the first place, particularly when you felt a bit awkward about it. It sounds like there was a warning bell there you didn't listen to. And I agree with Reesa - the situation smacks of a set-up. She saw an opportunity to create a situation that would justify her pushing you out of their lives, probably because she feels threatened that her husband gets on with you.

She may well be right about her husband. Husbands and wives generally know each other very well, even if they aren't getting on or aren't happy with each other. Their close proximity means they can read each others body language with precision. Most wives can tell at fifty paces when their husband finds another woman attractive. The man's behaviour changes - a work colleague of mine describes it as 'preening' - and while a friend wouldn't be in a position to see this, the wife would. Even if she knows he wouldn't stray or she knows the friend wouldn't entertain such a thing, she might be just fed up at watching him being really nice and charming to another woman if it's years since he bothered putting on the charm for her. However, it's one thing being a bit fed up with your husband and quite another to toss a friendship of ten years. She can't value your friendship very highly or she would find another way to deal with her issues with her husband.

LegacyUser

Thanks Guys for your replies. Appreciate your views and they have given me food for thought.