OH and his daughter

LegacyUser

MY OH and I are together 18 months and living together since February. He is separated, divorce immindent and has shared custody of his 11 year old. His ex moved away with the kid and because he works away he does not get to see her as much as he would like... Also, the ex appears (2 sides to every story I know ) to be quite manipulative, has not met anyone new and seems to rely on the daughter for company, as such its quite hard for him to get the kid and plan can change at the last second depening on the Mothers mood...

Anyway, the child has told him before that she does not want him getting married again. He never thought he would til he met me and this is something I want for our future. We told the child, about a year into our relationship, that I had moved in and we had done up a room for her, bought her pj's etc etc etc to make her feel welcome. She was fine with me until she went home and told Mammy and has not been able to stay here since May because of it.

Was talking to OH who is going to see her today and explained that she should be coming to stay with him (I would go to parents if needs be) but he said he wont press her cos he thinks he told her about us to soon and we are getting the repercussions of it now.

I dont want the child dictating my life. I have the utmost sympathy for both of them and have tried to help (doing up a room for her etc out of my own pocket) but I dont know how to handle her wrapping her Dad around her finger. I was an 11 year old too and know its very easy...

I am worried he wont go ahead with a wedding to keep her sweet and actually admitted an element of why he doesnt want more kids is becuase it would upset her...

What can I do???

LegacyUser

First of all let me say you sound LOVELY..you OH is lucky to have such a considerate gf...well done !!

Now...

I've been here too..but Im the guy...my daughter is now 15..I love her to bits

I've lost two relationships because I didnt want to 'upset' her by forcing another woman on her.
Her mum has also used her for company (almost exclusively..) over the years..I too never wanted more children because of how I felt it would affect my daughter..
During my first relationship after split (lasted 5 years..) I led TOTALLY separate lives..one living with my gf and one with my daughter..if my daughter stayed over I kept her at my mums..it was a disaster...how it lasted 5 years I will never know..
I did all this to keep my relationship secret from my ex cos I knew she would influence my daughter not to see me...what a plonker I was !!

Now that she is 15 life is SOOOO much easier..I can do as I please re other ladies (we even chat and laugh about it )

In hindsight I can see I was very foolish..she would always love me no matter what...my ex has just announced that she's had another guy for the last TWO years..and I never knew and daughter had kept it secret from me as she had kept some of my gfs secret from her mum...not good for her !!

All the above is just madness...

Show this to your OH..tell him that experience shows that this separate living things (one life as dad and one as bf) does NOT work.. the child WILL easily get used to being at yours with you..just dont overplay the whole situation..act normal..be nice..treat her..allow daddy to be daddy..allow them private time too..show that just because you are also in their lives nothing is going to change in THEIR relationship..you will be an addition to their lives together...and hopefully the child will be an addition to your life too...

I know its easy to just write this but believe me its sooo easy to do too...Ive tried the route ye are now taking..it does NOT work...

As I said at the outset you sound lovely so Im sure you will resolve this ..but your OH needs to understand that your life together will not impact long term on his daughter..

Mine is now 15..her only concern is music her friends and how much money she can bleed outta me LOL...she will grow up so fast...dont loose precious time worrying needlessly...

Likewise if ye have another child it will not impact badly on his daughter as long as he involves her and keeps her no1 (in her mind at least .. :-) )

Best of luck

[Sorry for long reply !!]

LegacyUser

I do try to involve her and made sure, the last time I saw her, to say to come back soon cos it made her Dad so happy to have her here. I dont know if she is manipulative or just being insecure cos she has made him promise that he will never marry and when he told her I lived there she started crying and asked if I slept in his bed. We had already discussed this and I am old fashioned and agreed we would sleep in separate rooms until she was older and this is what we did but do you think she is just being a child or is there more to it?

I dont want my future dictated by an 11 year old.

Monkey61

I know it is important for parents to put their children first but I think that there is a limit and there is a point when a parents happiness has to come first over a child's unreasonable demands.

I can understand an 11 year old getting upset at the idea of new partners and such, but really at that age I think she is old enough to have the situation explained to her properly and to sit down and talk about exactly why she feels the way she does. Most likely her fear either comes from thoughts that a new wife will mean that she isn't as important to her Dad anymore or, it is something to do with her mother saying God knows what to her. She may think that a new partner would upset her mother and just want to protect her feelings at all costs.

I know from my own experiences at that age how easy it is for one parent to have (sometimes through no malicious intent of their own) an undue influence over how the child perceives the other parent. It is especially difficult because a child of 11 is still too young to think logically and is easily swayed by the dominant emotions of those closest to them.

The one thing I can guarantee though is that in the long run it will be much better for the child to see their parents happy in their new lives, new partners or children included, as there can be an awful lot of guilt later in life if a child grows up to realise that because of them, a parent made a huge decision in the child's supposed interest that was contrary to their own (the parent's) best interests. I still feel bad about the fact that my mother didn't move in with her long term boyfriend and suffered through a further decade of living (separated) in the same house as my father, when I was that age because of a casual conversation with me which she interpreted to mean that I didn't want to move house.

neuro-praxis

This is nonsense. Adults must do what they do and children must accept it. That's life.

No child should have any say over their parents' relationships.

LegacyUser

Any excuse at all the Mother will try to hold on to the child so he doesnt want to upset her and possibly give the Mum an excuse to say 'dont go out with your Dad' and I can see where he is coming from.

I am not a parent but I do think there should be boundaries and that an 11 year old should rule the roost.... It already upsets him that he doesnt see enough of her so I dont want to add this burden but I will not allow an 11 year old manipulate the situation - any advice on what to do?

Bottle_of_Smoke

She's 11 now. She'll be growing up fairly fast in the next few years so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

metrovelvet

She has already lost him. Is probably afraid she is going to lose him even more.

Perhaps you guys should sit her down and reassure her without giving into her.

Also - you often refer to her as "the kid." Is that how you see her?

CDfm

OP - i have a 16 year old daughter. A great kid really but she does do the drama queen.

She loves that I have a girlfroiend but there has been an adjustment to not being the center of attention.

It gets better but you have to let it happen and I wouldn't dream of letting her dictate whether or not I have a relationship.

Hell - I know I get manipulated but I dont see her all the time and picked up some clothes for her in A=Wear sale today.

Just roll with it you are doing great.

The Sweeper

OP, your future cannot possibly be dictated by an 11 year old, because she's not going to be 11 forever.

Your future CAN be dictated by your Other Half. However, you need to continue to be sympathetic to him and to his daughter.

Stop looking at the child as some sort of manipulative 11 year old brat spawn who's trying to ruin you life. She's just a kid. She probably misses the family she had when her mum and dad were together. She may well even resent you and feel that if you weren't around, her mum and dad would get back together. This is where your OH comes in. It's important that he is honest with his daughter about where his life is going, but also that he continues to be kind to her, while at the same time being her father - which means she doesn't always get her own way.

I wouldn't be sleeping in a separate bed to your OH while she comes over. That's not a normal, healthy, adult relationship. When she comes to your house, she should come to a welcoming, loving environment that has two happy adults in it, so that it feels like a family. Not an environment of awkward resentment because when she comes in you get turfed out of your room, are afraid to touch or kiss your OH in front of her and so on. I'm not saying the kid has to watch you two make out on the couch - Jesus no, but you should be able to wear all the trappings of a healthy, loving, stable, adult relationship in front of her.

Otherwise your relationship looks just as fractured and miserable as her own parents was before that broke up.

LegacyUser

Hi All

Thanks so much for your responses.... To be honest, I dont feel any resentment at all for her and do honestly wish she was in our lives more. I am a tiny bit peeved with my OH for not taking a firm grip of the situation but in all fairness I am not in his shoes so I cant judge. I do think she is overly mollycoddled because of the fact that her parents split up when she was 3 or so but this level of indulgence wont stand to her when she gets out into the big, bad world, however, thats not my business.

I would love to get to know her, after all she is a part of him and she seems nice, interesting and chatty when we do meet. She has decided though lately that she only wants to spend time here when its just the two of them. She will only come if he promises that it will be the two of them and then obviously cos he wants to see her, he has to agree with this. I know she needs her Dad but this cant go on long term.

LegacyUser

OP how about a day out for just the two of you to go shopping / see a film etc.

This might make her see you as a person in your own right & not just somebody who's trying to take her father away. If you can build a relationship with her yourself I think it would really help.

AMK

I wouldn't assume she was fine with you until she went home to Mammy. She may have been putting on a good face and just holding on until she got back to her own home. Also, an 11 year old child is still very young and wants and needs to spend a lot of time with the mother. It doesn't necessarily mean the mother is relying on her for company.

You sound very insecure. This little girl is not in a position to dictate your life. It is your partner's decisions that will do that, not hers.

LegacyUser

You say the mum moved away and your OH works away. So how often exactly does he see her?

I only ask as my ex is still "involved" with my daughter. For 2 hours once a week

He has 2 days off a week which he spends with his partner. In the beginning when I requested that he do the introduction slowly (as dd is only 7 and we had only been apart a month) he cancelled plans at the last min with dd as his partner had an unexpected day off.
Dd is no longer welcome at his family events as he prefers to bring his new partner who I don't want her to meet as she dictates the contact that myself and dd are allowed to have with ex and she is also a drug user. Not an addict but not the best influence either.
The one time dd did meet her herself and ex were all over each other and dd came home upset. Dd will also regularly say that ex loves his new partner more than dd (can't say I blame her there).

Anyway, this is just another side to the coin.
If your OH only sees his dd infrequently then I don't see why she should share him when she is around. Her time with him is obviously precious to her if it's minimal.

Could he not arrange to take her more at his parents and when their relationship is better established and she feels more secure you could pop by for a bit and gradually build a relationship with her too? Did you meet his daughter before you moved in? Did she know it was serious before it was sprung on her that her dad was living with someone else?
Do you believe ye handled the introductions and telling her that you had moved in, in the best way possible or is there any way that it came as a shock to her?
Did you advise the mother? I know people will say "none of her business" but I think it's a horrible thing to drop a bomb on a child and send her home to mom who has to deal with the repercussions without being prepared.