Pregnant and feel betrayed

LegacyUser

First of all i’m pregnant. I’m all for openness and honesty so I hide nothing from my partner, we bought a computer together and have all our passwords saved. Msn is set on automatic log in, we check each others messages when the other is not around.

Last night i came home and my other half was in work.. I logged onto the computer and his msn automatically logs in. A conversation he’d had with a girl the night before came up. He had stated to her that he was on his own. (I went home to my parents as I had an early morning hospital appointment and my mother came with me) She said to him that she was going out that night and that he should come out some night. He said he’d no transport. I drive he doesn’t. He then said that she should come down that night with her friend. She said that she couldn’t as she’d been drinking but then gave him her phone number and says shes going. He then left her a message saying that she should get a Taxi down and he would pay for it for her.

I said it to him as soon as he got in from work but he says he was joking. Doesn’t sound like that to me. A few weeks ago I caught him out with something similiar to a different girl on a night I wasnt there. I said to him that time that he can’t do things like that to me, we have a baby on the way and we need to think about that.

I feel completely betrayed, I have caught him out a few times. I have no problem with him having female friends as I have many male friends. I certainly wouldnt offer to pay for Taxis to come visit me when my other half is not away. Bear in mind this girl is not a friend of his shes just some randomer that he knows online. Hes never met her. So why would he invite her over!?!

After a while I managed to get him to talk to me and he said that he doesn’t know why he does this but that he would most certainly never cheat on me. He said he did it for the ego boost to see if other girls find him attractive. He said he certainly would never have acted on it. He said hes scared about the baby coming but in actual fact all along hes been the one who has been more excited about it. I just feel so confused because I’m thinking if that girl said yes to coming over would he have let her come over and just played dumb with me? What would have happened? I was crying my eyes out all night as was he. He kept saying he’ll make it up to me and that we can rebuild the trust. How can I believe that though when this is not the first time.

I don’t think he has physically cheated on me, but I know emotionally he has. I’m scared too about everything but I wouldn’t turn around and do that behind his back.

I’m so so confused. I thought we were happy. I love him so much, I know he loves me so why is he doing this? Is it just for the attention or is there more to this? I’m a firm believer that if you truely love someone you won’t want to hurt them. So why is he hurting me?

SarahSassy

His behaviour is absolutely appalling. If he was caught recently then why didnt he use his brain and make sure he was never caught again. On some level, do you think he wanted you to find that?

He is cheating on you or at least doing his level best to. An ex of mine used to do this and it wore me down and ultimately destroyed all the confidence I had in myself. He was cheating, there is no other excuse for it but in your case, you have a child on the way and his behaviour is doubly cruel.

He wont admit to it, he has said he was only getting an ego boost but do you truly believe this? Why bother if he is happy at home? His priority should be you and the baby and hurting you should the very thing he should be trying NOT to do....

Personally, I would move out to a friend or parents for a few days to get my head clear. He is not acting like a loving parent and no amount of excuses can make up for him. Take some time out to thing but remember 'when it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is a duck'.

LegacyUser

Hes in work so i'm just sitting here on my own trying to get my head around it. A few months before I met him I came out of a long term relationship... I found pregnancy tests on my exes bedroom floor. I was completely shattered by that. I was open and honest with him about the hurt in my past and I thought he understood that enough not to hurt me.

I don't think he deliberately wanted me to find that. I just don't know. We were planning to get married after the baby arrived but at the moment I'm not sure I can even trust him enough to stay with him. I really don't want to be a single mother but I just feel so confused.

SarahSassy

Ive been in your shoes (without the pregnancy bit) but had moved abroad to live with this guy and this is how he repayed me as well.

He went away for the weekend, told me it was to a friend, then i found out it was to a girl he met on the internet but he swore it was all innocent. I became totally paranoid and was constantly checking his phone, email and pc... I dont do that now but back then I was so trapped (abroad) and was trying to find evidence that he was either very guilty or else I was wrong... I never found the evidence I was wrong.

Look, he is asking other girls over to your house when you are not there.. What more do you need to know?

Personally, I would need some space. Would pack a bag for a few days and leave him a note to say where you are and that you need some time. You need to protect yourself and the baby... I would guess his tears were guilt and not true remorse. He does not sound convincing to me and the pattern of his behaviour is proving this.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Look, he is asking other girls over to your house when you are not there.. What more do you need to know?

He said to me that he wasnt going to give her his address, he just wanted to see if she would actually say yes. ARGH I dunno. All i can think about is this little baby inside me.

SarahSassy

preg&betrayed wrote: »

He said to me that he wasnt going to give her his address, he just wanted to see if she would actually say yes. ARGH I dunno. All i can think about is this little baby inside me.

Look you know him better than I do (obviously) but I heard that line before as well... He had actually given her the street and house number :mad:

The baby is the most important thing but at this time you are growing the baby and as such if you are stressed and upset then it may be affecting the baby. You need some peace to think. My heart goes out to you it really does and I know I sound hard but I have heard this all before...

LegacyUser

He text me there to say that he knows I don't trust him and that he will try do his best to build it back up. He swears nothing ever happened with anyone (believe him about that) When hes not working we are normally always together and he doesnt drive. He also said that he wants me him and baby to be a family and that he will never feck up again.

I know what your saying Sarah, but he has been so kind to me so far. I have been sick a lot and he has been there to mind me so well. He has always been supportive. I know hes having a tough time in work lately (no excuse i know) I'm going to take some time out and think it through.

SarahSassy

Well best of luck and just keep your eyes open. Dont be running back into his arms too quickly - he has betrayed your trust and if he gets away with it again this time he will think he always can. I wasted 1.5 years trusting someone who didnt deserve it so sit back and keep your wits about you.

SS

PS he is about to be a Dad and needs to learn how to drive in case something happens to you or the baby!!!

LegacyUser

i've been in your exact situation - in fact he could even be my ex.

Same thing, loads of girls on msn. He swore he never met them and said they were all ugly and overweight and fools (???? why chat to them then???) but he still got a huge thrill out of chatting to them online. Sort of an ego boost I suppose.

But honestly, even though it is hard now, do you really want to be with someone who is playing around the minute you are gone out the door? Be that emotionally or physically. How do you know that woman did not come down and did in fact spend the night. I know in my case she did spend the night! contact lenses are a big give away ...but he even had an excuse of how they got there.

These men know how to do nothing but lie...they need to grow up and take responsibility for their actions. i'd say move out. If he chases after you then u have given him the scare he needs....if he doesnt then u know for sure. Either way mission accomplished.

Take a lot of strenght to do it but you have your baby to consider.

thinking of you x

LegacyUser

luccylu wrote: »

i've been in your exact situation - in fact he could even be my ex.

Same thing, loads of girls on msn. He swore he never met them and said they were all ugly and overweight and fools (???? why chat to them then???) but he still got a huge thrill out of chatting to them online. Sort of an ego boost I suppose.

But honestly, even though it is hard now, do you really want to be with someone who is playing around the minute you are gone out the door? Be that emotionally or physically. How do you know that woman did not come down and did in fact spend the night. I know in my case she did spend the night! contact lenses are a big give away ...but he even had an excuse of how they got there.

These men know how to do nothing but lie...they need to grow up and take responsibility for their actions. i'd say move out. If he chases after you then u have given him the scare he needs....if he doesnt then u know for sure. Either way mission accomplished.

Take a lot of strenght to do it but you have your baby to consider.

thinking of you x

Thank you for your response. I know she didnt stay because I spoke to her on his msn (i know thats wrong but I had to be sure) I just asked her how her night was etc and what she was up to. I left it after that. He has deleted her and a few others since.

He has been really trying since. I was away all day yesterday and had time to think but i'm still very confused. He felt our baby kicking last night and he got very emotional over that. He said he'll do anything to make it up to us.

LegacyUser

Hi preg and betrayed,

I rarely every post replies on here, but i felt i had to in this situation. I was in a very very similiar situation to yourself. My b/f and I met each other on the net over 10 years ago, and were very very open as to our histories, preferences, etc.

We got together 3 years ago and over time we both stopped chatting to others on the net. At least i thought we both had. It turned out that i had, but he hadnt. I found out he had been chatting to other women and even had arranged to meet them. I confronted him about it and he realised how totally upset I was. He said it was a total ego thing and that he would never have met anyone in reality. He realised that our relationship was on the line and eventually he agreed to go and see someone about it.

It transpired that there was issues he had in relation to emotional security and that he didnt find himself attractive. This happened last february and it took a while for me to realise that these were genuine issues he had. As I know him inside out and that he would never hurt me, I gave him a chance to prove himself and he has done so. We are now engaged and expecting a baby. (nto as planned as we would have liked!!!)

What I am saying is OP, i know it is hard to trust him again, but you know in your heart of heart what he is really like. It does not seem that he would intentionally hurt and has realised that.

Best of your with your pregancy and keep faith in what you think is right for yourself. Nobody else knows what this is only you.

Taltos

Is there somewhere you could go for a few days just for yourself?
You know to get the time to think this through without having to see or listen to him?
The time might also be useful for him to figure out what he really wants too.

Better to figure all this out now instead of 10 yrs down the road with a 10yr old child screaming at you that it was all your fault... (have seen this happen...).

I am not encouraging you to leave him but just suggesting that you both might benefit from a few days apart.
In terms of an ego boost? What? Seriously?
You would think he would have more important things on his mind right now other than his ego, I mean how selfish can you be. Sorry if I am nasty on that, but to send such messages to someone you barely know? Either he is playing you or he is playing this girl - either way - acting like a total prat.

Taltos

sunflower27 wrote: »

do you trust him while you are gone?

Crap - hadn't thought of that...
Motion sensitive camera hidden in the Teddy Bear...

Look - if you don't trust him enough for this break you already have your answer.
But sometimes you really do just need a few days piece to get back in touch with yourself - even spoil yourself with a spa treatment or catch up with some old friends.
Just be careful about spilling your guts to friends and families - as if you work things out then this knowledge can become a weapon in their hands.

LegacyUser

He was just here for his lunch break and we both cried our eyes out. He said to me that hes scared about becoming a dad and that he was scared he'd mess it up as its starting to become a reality. He has also put on about 2 stone since we got together, he said the girls in work were calling him fat and getting onto him about it thinking that they were being funny. I have said it to him a few times too and he said that got him down. He said he just wanted to still feel attractive but that he swears on our babys life that he never has or never would cheat on me.

He cried his heart out so he seemed genuine. I know hes under immense pressure at work. Hes been working all the hours god sends pretty much. I'm not working at the moment so all the financial burden is on him.

I do trust him enough to go home. I am going to go home to my parents for a couple of days. I have made him very aware that if anything like this ever ever happens again then myself and the baby will be gone. Of course I would let him see his child. I have more respect for myself than to be taken for a complete and utter eejit.

CDfm

OP he was wrong. I am a guy and a father too.

I get what he says about the fear thing and its true IRL.

If I were you I would take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself.

Try to leave out the dramatics and calm down. Easy to say I know but at least try.

Taltos

Yup - hope it works out for you.

The space from all this should help.
But try if you can not to let the emotion of it all sweep you up.

On a side note - personally I do not trust anyone who swears on the life of another. Also as a guy who was 2 stone overweight - I took up exercising - not trying to pick up random women. Sorry - rant over - just that whole section annoyed me.

Really hope though that you both work this out and he grows up a bit (or a lot). You definitely sound like you have your head screwed on - so don't ever ever doubt yourself.

wexford202

Hi Op

I am pregnant myself now with my first baby.

I have been emotional thrughout the pregnancy. Its all just hormones.

Right now is the time I need the complete love and support from my husband. It is the time where doubts vould b so easily put in my mind as I feel huge and unattractive as I have always been a skinny minnie.

I have to say for you to stick with your guy and work through this you are a saint. Ireally don't know if I could do that, maybe before I was pregnant but not now when I have a baby arriving in a few months which will seriously depend on me.

I really think your other half needs to fully decide on what he wants. He needs to understand the support and care that you need right now. However hard your prengnancy has been on him you can multiply it by then on the hardship that you have suffered but the relaity is that you never needed to turn to internet dating to get over your issues.

I really think he needs a couple of days to sort himself out. He needs to seriously grown up and face the huge responsibilty that lies ahead for yeboth and if he is nervous now he has got to control that in other ways than internet flirting because things will go down hill rapidly.

lynnsback

So, did you tease him about his weight gain then? I think the weight may be why he has done this. And seriously, what the hell is wrong with the girls at his work? I would NEVER tease someone about their weight. I think this is all an insecurity issue.

LegacyUser

wexford202 wrote: »

Hi Op

I am pregnant myself now with my first baby.

I have been emotional thrughout the pregnancy. Its all just hormones.

Right now is the time I need the complete love and support from my husband. It is the time where doubts vould b so easily put in my mind as I feel huge and unattractive as I have always been a skinny minnie.

I have to say for you to stick with your guy and work through this you are a saint. Ireally don't know if I could do that, maybe before I was pregnant but not now when I have a baby arriving in a few months which will seriously depend on me.

I really think your other half needs to fully decide on what he wants. He needs to understand the support and care that you need right now. However hard your prengnancy has been on him you can multiply it by then on the hardship that you have suffered but the relaity is that you never needed to turn to internet dating to get over your issues.

I really think he needs a couple of days to sort himself out. He needs to seriously grown up and face the huge responsibilty that lies ahead for yeboth and if he is nervous now he has got to control that in other ways than internet flirting because things will go down hill rapidly.

Maybe I am coming across as wrong. Everything else has been perfect. He cleans our house, he washes the clothes, he makes dinner. He brings me home little presents every night. He talks to my bump. He makes me baths and lights candles in the bathroom for me . If i get sick he cleans it up. he gives me foot massages. If I will sick he would do anything to make it better. He buys baby clothes and has seemed so excited about everything. He has so far completely supported and loved me. THats why this has shocked me so much. Everything has been perfect and he has been perfect up to this point.

LegacyUser

lynnsback wrote: »

So, did you tease him about his weight gain then? I think the weight may be why he has done this. And seriously, what the hell is wrong with the girls at his work? I would NEVER tease someone about their weight. I think this is all an insecurity issue.

I didnt tease him about it, I said it moreso as a matter of concern. I'm fairly big myself so i'm not one to judge him. Like last week I had made him lunch and the girls in work were like oh i think you should lay off the food etc. They seem to get a kick of making him feel bad and hes their boss. I think you are right about it being an insecurity issue with him. I can see where I havent helped either. Hes having a tough time in work as he has a very stressful job and perhaps I havent been there to support him as much as I should have.

wexford202

preg&betrayed wrote: »

Maybe I am coming across as wrong. Everything else has been perfect. He cleans our house, he washes the clothes, he makes dinner. He brings me home little presents every night. He talks to my bump. He makes me baths and lights candles in the bathroom for me . If i get sick he cleans it up. he gives me foot massages. If I will sick he would do anything to make it better. He buys baby clothes and has seemed so excited about everything. He has so far completely supported and loved me. THats why this has shocked me so much. Everything has been perfect and he has been perfect up to this point.

I would rather my husband do none of the above and be just faithful to me in every way both emotionally and phsyically.

To me your guy just undone every good thing he has ever done for you but doing what he did.

It's only my opinion. You know the guy I don't.

I just wouldn't put up with it for one second