Lost some respect

LegacyUser

So as the title says I think I have lost some respect for my boyfriend. He treats me well and is a 'good' boyfriend, but the more stuff I know, the less I respect him. I know he used to do drugs, which I hate, but that was never really a problem for me. It's more that I feel he has/had dodgy morals. I know nobody is perfect but for me some stuff is crossing the line. He used to cheat on his ex-girlfriends when he was younger, OK maybe he has learned since then. But last year he was with two married women, and claimed not to even fancy each of them. WTF like? One of them was an ex colleague who liked him and they ended up in bed after a party and the other was a woman who'd just got married, the sister of one of his female friends. I just think that's so scummy. Yes, he wasn't the one who was married, but I hate that excuse. It's still a rotten thing to do - the poor oblivious husband! If I didn't know this stuff I'd think my bf was great but I do know and its affecting how I feel about him. What should I do?

Oh The Humanity

See once you know these things you can't un-know them.....I suppose either you get used to them or this is the beginning of the end....

Word to the wise though, unless you are very young it's usual enough that people would have some baggage like this.

You just have to decide if these things are deal breakers for you.

ManOfMystery

I think the more pertinent question is, how does he feel about it now?

Does he feel he was in the wrong and wants to be a better person, or is there no regret at all? That's the make or break factor IMO - if he has no regrets, then chances are he is still capable of behaving like this again.

LegacyUser

Yes he told me himself, he is always honest with me, I'll give him that. A major problem is we were friends before we got together so he told me a lot he wouldn't have told me if I was his girlfriend. And I've asked about more stuff since and he's told me.

I kind of feel like a b*tch for feeling this way, and I expect people to tell me to stop being judgemental, but it's so bloody hard. If I heard this stuff about someone else's boyfriend, I'd think they sounded awful. I'm so torn - on one hand it was before he was with me, he's sorry etc but on the other, well he didn't have to do it in the first place! I'd be quite a straightlaced person myself and a lot of the stuff he's done I find hard to comprehend. I tell him this and he says there's nothing he can do about the past (true) and that it isn't fair to keep bringing it up (true). I love him but if I can't get over this, maybe he'd be better off with someone more similar?

John Mason

OP, you sound very young to me.

as you get older you will realise that he done is the past is completely irrelavent it is what he does at the present and the future that is important.

if he treats you with respect then i dont really see what the problem is.

everyone has a past

LegacyUser

I'm not young. I'm mid twenties and have had other relationships. I'm aware people change and so on, but I've always been wary of people who've done sh*tty things in the past. I have given people chances before only for them to do the exact same thing to me. I feel different about this guy, but I'm so torn about whether to trust him. He is very, very into me, he's talked about marrying me in the future, and if he is The One, I want to be absolutely sure none of this stuff is going to continue bothering me.

Taltos

Maybe try to see the good points in all this.

"used" to take drugs - he had the strength to stop - big kahoonas for that
cheated on an ex - cannot excuse that - BUT at least he was honest
2 married women - again maybe he was an opportunist - but again I do not know many guys who would really want to fess up to that to a gf.

Maybe these are signs he has matured and has learnt from his prior actions.
Thing to ask is does he:
a) show remorse when recounting these?
b) laugh at how foolish they were....

If b - run for the hills.
But if a - then this is good.
Honesty is good - but sometimes we really do not need to know all the nuts and bolts about our OHs.
Who they were before might have contributed to who they are now - but it does not always mean they are the same.

True - many folk cannot change - but some can. I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt - would just suggest you keep your eyes open

LegacyUser

He cheated on several girls. He did seem to think it was mildly amusing when he first told me, and the married woman as well but he said he regrets it and it's in the past. I think the laughing was probably out of shame/embarrassment, tbh. About the drugs, I agree it's good he stopped.

Chucky the tree

As a mid 20s guy my views/attitudes to life and everything with it have changed very little in the last year. While everyone has a past and people change over time I think very few people change so drastically over a year. If he was baning married women a year ago I'd bet a lot of money he'd be willing to do the excact same now if he was single. It's up to you if you can get past that. If it was 5 years ago then I'd definitely agree that he could of drastically changed over that time, in a year the majority of guys wouldn't.

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

As a mid 20s guy my views/attitudes to life and everything with it have changed very little. While everyone has a past and people change over time I think very few people change so drastically over a year. If he was baning married women a year ago I'd bet a lot of money he'd be willing to do the excact same now if he was single. It's up to you if you can get past that. If it was 5 years ago then I'd definitely agree that he could of drastically changed over that time, in a year the majority of guys wouldn't.

Yes, he might well do it again if he were single. He doesn't seem to think it was that bad, just a bit dodge. I don't think he slept with her but they did a few things. He seems to think she was the one married so it was mainly her issue although he knows it was a mistake.

Taltos

lossofrespect wrote: »

Yes, he might well do it again if he were single. He doesn't seem to think it was that bad, just a bit dodge. I don't think he slept with her but they did a few things. He seems to think she was the one married so it was mainly her issue although he knows it was a mistake.

Have to say I have a real issue with this though myself - tend to view marriage a bit differently.
A bit dodge in my book is a bit like saying that Bush was a bit dumb...

Look at the end of the day only you can tell if you can trust him - and trust him long term. I really do hope the laughs were out of shame - but the thing about Opportunists is that they are really that - given the opportunity the thing stopping most folk from fooling about seems to matter less to them.
Really hope for your sake he has changed and is not just trying to pull the wool.

Taltos

Taltos wrote: »

Have to say I have a real issue with this though myself - tend to view marriage a bit differently.
A bit dodge in my book is a bit like saying that Bush was a bit dumb...

From what I've read on PI over the years, a LOT of people here seem to think being the 'other person' is either perfectly fine or just a little bit bold, as they are not the one who is married/engaged/has a partner. When my boyfriend cheated on me, most people seemed to think the other girl was blameless. I find this attitude bizarre - I think being with someone you know is attached, especially married, is almost as bad as cheating - but most people don't seem to agree with me.

Taltos

[quote=[Deleted User];62154704]From what I've read on PI over the years, a LOT of people here seem to think being the 'other person' is either perfectly fine or just a little bit bold, as they are not the one who is married/engaged/has a partner. When my boyfriend cheated on me, most people seemed to think the other girl was blameless. I find this attitude bizarre - I think being with someone you know is attached, especially married, is almost as bad as cheating - but most people don't seem to agree with me.[/QUOTE]

I do agree with you.
(maybe my comment was a bit obtuse though)
I think once you know that the person you are seeing or are about to see are involved elsewhere simple rule should apply of "back off" or simply - if you really want to be with me then get single first...
I find those people equally or even more disrespectful - but I guess I have a thing about cheaters anyway. Once burned - twice angry...

LegacyUser

I'm absolutely torn about this. On one hand, some of the stuff he's done is really scummy, on the other he's really kind to me and we get on really well. If we broke up, we probably couldn't go back to the way things were when we were friends, he'd get another girl and I'd barely see him. I don't know what to do!!!

LegacyUser

This is still on my mind, all night and today. I was all read to end it a few days ago, but he's so lovely to me, I wonder if I'll ever find anyone like him again. I hope I'm not just blinded by love, but he has always treated me brilliantly. What a dilemma!

SarahSassy

[quote=[Deleted User];62154704]From what I've read on PI over the years, a LOT of people here seem to think being the 'other person' is either perfectly fine or just a little bit bold, as they are not the one who is married/engaged/has a partner. When my boyfriend cheated on me, most people seemed to think the other girl was blameless. I find this attitude bizarre - I think being with someone you know is attached, especially married, is almost as bad as cheating - but most people don't seem to agree with me.[/QUOTE]

Well I think thats because people who are cheated on often blame the other person for their partners infidelity whereas if it happened to me, the blame would lay 99% at his feet and 1% at hers...

SarahSassy

lossofrespect wrote: »

This is still on my mind, all night and today. I was all read to end it a few days ago, but he's so lovely to me, I wonder if I'll ever find anyone like him again. I hope I'm not just blinded by love, but he has always treated me brilliantly. What a dilemma!

Its not really yhe end of the world but why not give it some time and see how it pans out. Only do this if you are sure you wont be resenting him in the meantime...

Monkey61

OP I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here. Everybody has a past and I really don't think it is fair (within reason) to judge anybody on things they did before they met you. I'd understand if you found out that he had murdered or raped someone or something like that, but this is a bit different.

People behave differently under different circumstances and you have to take people as they are and take the chance on them if you think that they are worth it. If I was to be judged by future girlfriends on things I have done in the past I would never have a relationship again.

Plenty of the most wonderful, caring and general all round good people that I know have at some stage cheated on a partner, or been involved with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. It doesn't make it right, but it means that it happens. Nobody is perfect and nobody can be expected to be flawless all the time.

I think it would be gross stupidity to throw away a relationship based on the fact that your boyfriend has been involved in cheating in the past. It is a relationship you are talking about here, not an insurance proposal. To a large extent you should be ruled by your heart, not sitting around adding up facts and figures to try and statistically predict future occurrences based on the past. Where would be the fun and joy in life if you did that?

I think it is important in life to be open minded and just to accept that not everybody is going to be the same as you. Your boyfriend is a different person and that's okay. You could meet a man who shares all of your values and opinions and has never cheated in the past, and he could cheat on you - you never know. There are no guarantees in relationships anyway and this one could end just as easily as another one - but if you are happy for now, why not give it a go and see how it pans out?

If though you actually can't stop judging your boyfriend and cannot put it behind you, then for his sake let him go, because he doesn't deserve that.

opinion guy

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well I think thats because people who are cheated on often blame the other person for their partners infidelity whereas if it happened to me, the blame would lay 99% at his feet and 1% at hers...

Major +1. Plus you have to realise that the cheating partner could just as well be cheating without the other party knowing they were in a relationship - if the third party knows or does not know - really how is that relevant - it does not change the cheating parties culpability.

I've even seen a situation where in the long run everyone came to thank the third party, even thou he initially felt awful about being the third party, because basically the relationship was dysfunctional anyhow and they quickly realised they were all better off after it was broken up by this once off drunken episode of cheating. everyone quickly came to view it as him having done the couple a favour. I'm not trying to justify being the third party, i guess what i'm saying is its not a simple black and white thing. Situations vary.


But OP, to address your problem. Hmmmm I think several things. First I have to disagree with a previous poster who said a guy couldn't change in a year. Of course he could. Some people change very quickly. I've seen a friend who was a total player, meet someone special and overnight turned into the guy who wanted to get married and have kids. (much later he told me it was what he always wanted but never met the right woman until this one - his now wife who he absolutely dotes on and mom to his kids).

But really. I think. This is kind of your problem. Hmmm I'm not meaning to be harsh. But. The guy has told you the truth. about everything. That takes balls. And he can't change the past. You seem to want him to feel more guitly about it. But really what would that achieve ? He can't undo what he already did. Personally I think to carry around guitl about something like that is kind of self-indulgent anyhow. Either change your behaviour so that you don't do it again, or accept yourself as a not so nice person. Feeling guitly about it is kind of like saying 'i want to be a better person but i'm actually too lazy to change and improve so instead i'll just feel guilty when i do these things'.

I guess the remaining issue is perhaps your real concern I suspect? Will he cheat on you ? Now that's a toughy. He could be like my friend who became the family man overnight. Or maybe not. None of us can really tell you. I do think the fact that you were friends before you were together and he has been so open with you is a good sign, but really none of us can say for sure. I think, maybe thou something that i would think is important is this - if he did cheat on you, would he tell you ? (cause my point of view on cheating is this - if someone cheats on me and tells me openly - yes i'll be hurt and mad but i'll try and get over it cause the honesty is still there, if someone cheats on me and lies to me and I find out - instantly done, over, period, no discussion, get the f**k out of my house and never speak to me again).

Really OP, I don't think I can give you answers. only some thoughts. (sorry if I've been a bit rambly). But i do think this - you seem to have a level of honesty that alot of people would be jealous off. I personally would have huge respect for someone who can be that honest with me about their past - so long as i think they're learned and moved on from it I guess. In my experience, the people who hurt us the most are often extremely nice moral people who would not do things like be a third party, but are just the little bit less than honest about things.

hmm all this any help or am i just rambling ?

SarahSassy

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well I think thats because people who are cheated on often blame the other person for their partners infidelity whereas if it happened to me, the blame would lay 99% at his feet and 1% at hers...

It's not a question of blame. Of course the cheating partner is directly to blame. But knowingly being with someone who is attached shows some quite sh1tty morals, IMO. I've had the opportunity and never could do it. I got a bit too flirty once with someone who had a girlfriend and I felt rotten the next day. I think about how the partner would feel if they found out and it'd keep me awake at night. When my ex cheated on me, of course it was his fault, but I was seriously unimpressed by the girl who flirted with him for months, chased him, sent flirty texts, knowing full well he had a serious girlfriend he lived with. Not a nice person, IMO. When I read the stuff (that's how I found out), I was shocked at how blatantly selfish and self centered she sounded. I *blamed* my ex, but I think she was definitely in the wrong as well.

Now I'm not saying people can't change or that good people can't make mistakes, but I definitely wouldn't say the other person was grand because they weren't the one in the relationship. I think that's such a cop out.

SarahSassy

[quote=[Deleted User];62177913] I definitely wouldn't say the other person was grand because they weren't the one in the relationship. I think that's such a cop out.[/QUOTE]

No one is saying that but at the end of the day he is less guilty than the married women he was with.,

SarahSassy

SarahSassy wrote: »

No one is saying that but at the end of the day he is less guilty than the married women he was with.,

But it's not a matter of who is more guilty. That's only relevant to the woman's husband. He still knowingly got with someone who was married. It's a moral issue, not a debate about if it was her fault or his fault.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];62177913].... When my ex cheated on me, of course it was his fault, but I was seriously unimpressed by the girl who flirted with him for months, chased him, sent flirty texts, knowing full well he had a serious girlfriend he lived with. Not a nice person, IMO. When I read the stuff (that's how I found out), I was shocked at how blatantly selfish and self centered she sounded. I *blamed* my ex, but I think she was definitely in the wrong as well.
......[/QUOTE]

Well this person kind of did you a service in a way, no ? She exposed your partners weakness. if it wasn't her it might have been someone else in 5 years time when u were married with kids. kinda not really relevant whether she selfish, right, wrong or whatever.

Its not a moral issue for this person since morals are arbitrary creations largely determined by culture. you might see it as a moral issue but you don't get to project your morals on to everyone else.

OS119

[quote=[Deleted User];62178237]But it's not a matter of who is more guilty. That's only relevant to the woman's husband. He still knowingly got with someone who was married. It's a moral issue, not a debate about if it was her fault or his fault.[/QUOTE]

he got with a sentient human being who was able to make her own decisions. end of story.

LegacyUser

Well I do think it's quite immoral to knowingly be with someone who is married. Obviously he wouldn't be to blame if the husband found out but it's still not a nice thing to do. I think one poster who said he was an opportunist got it right, and I don't really like that. I know men are (generally) different to women in their approach to sexual stuff, but I don't get being with someone just for the sake of it.

Monkey61, I totally understand your point. I agree people can just make mistakes. I just think someone who has overstepped a boundary in the past (multiple times) is more likely to do it again. That may be totally wrong, but I don't think it's illogical either.

opinion guy

lossofrespect wrote: »

..... I just think someone who has overstepped a boundary in the past (multiple times) is more likely to do it again. That may be totally wrong, but I don't think it's illogical either.

So was I right in my post above ? Are u worried he might cheat on you ?

seahorse

lossofrespect wrote: »

A major problem is we were friends before we got together so he told me a lot he wouldn't have told me if I was his girlfriend.

OP, this is the one line in all of your posts that jumped out to me. My question here is; why on earth is it ok to have a relationship with someone from whom you'd expect less honesty as a partner than you'd have gotten as a friend?

LegacyUser

seahorse wrote: »

OP, this is the one line in all of your posts that jumped out to me. My question here is; why on earth is it ok to have a relationship with someone from whom you'd expect less honesty as a partner than you'd have gotten as a friend?

Well, most people hardly go around telling their SO about all the horrible things they've done, or people they've shagged. What I mean is, if we'd started off as BF and GF, he probably wouldn't have told me most of this stuff. That isn't dishonest, it's just not telling me stuff I won't want to hear. When we were friends, he freely told me this stuff, never thinking we'd end up together. It's not a big deal when a platonic male friend tells you this stuff, but it's not what you want from a boyfriend. That's what I meant. It was just TMI.

BraziliaNZ

we're not all angels, a lot of us have done some pretty bad stuff, at least he told you he didn't have to. You should only judge him on how he treats you.

seahorse

lossofrespect wrote: »

What I mean is, if we'd started off as BF and GF, he probably wouldn't have told me most of this stuff.

I know that's what you meant. That's exactly what I would find (were it happening in my own relationship) so disturbing.

You said: "most people hardly go around telling their SO about all the horrible things they've done". Well if that's true I reckon most people are in crap relationships. Reason being; when two people are in a strong and committed relationship they can and do speak freely about their pasts, knowing they're not going to be judged, because they feel a natural urge to draw a line behind what's gone before and move forward together.

seahorse

sunflower27 wrote: »

I don't agree with this. Your past is your past and you should not feel obliged to tell a partner everything. fair enough if you want to but also fair enough if you don't want to.

I never said people were "obliged" to reveal all. What I said was that people in strong relationships know they are safe to reveal whatever, in the knowledge that they are not going to be judged.

I certainly would not want to be in a relationship where I could expect less openness from my partner than he would extend to his friends.

seahorse

sunflower27 wrote: »

I dont understand.... how can anyone know they won't be judged - strong relationship or not. You tell a partner something from your past and you most certainly risk being judged.

That depends on the partner and limitless variables around the make-up of who they are, including attitude, mind-set and maturity.

sunflower27 wrote: »

How can anyone feel safe that their partner will just go 'oh, you did that (whatever it may be) no probs honey'.

Again, that depends on the partner. If I thought for one moment I was with somebody who would hold against me things that happened before he'd ever laid eyes on me I'd be out of that relationship very bloody fast.

My advice to anyone would be; if they feel a fear of being judged they're not with the right person to begin with. The person I'd be directing that advice towards in this instance would be the OP's partner. I'm not saying his past was spotless; I'm saying it shouldnt need to be.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Most people have a skeleton or 2 in their closet that is part of their past and doesnt involve a current partner. Choosing to keep that to ones self does not mean that the relationship is crap!

I've already clarified that I never said people were obliged to reveal all.

seahorse

sunflower27 wrote: »

OK, let's say for example someone did something in their past that for whatever reason they were ashamed of/regretted and they are a private person. Perhaps it isnt that they feel their partner will judge them, just that it is private and they dont want to divulge. Fair enough I say.

Well, if it wasn’t a case of a fear of being judged, I would question why a person felt they couldn’t share something that they regretted and were ashamed of with their partner. A partner is the one person in the world we ought to be able to share our shame and regrets with. Otherwise, as far as I can see, the union with that person (although it may involve a high degree of closeness) cannot be authentically termed ‘partnership’. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

Beetlebum

seahorse wrote: »

Well, if it wasn’t a case of a fear of being judged, I would question why a person felt they couldn’t share something that they regretted and were ashamed of with their partner. A partner is the one person in the world we ought to be able to share our shame and regrets with. Otherwise, as far as I can see, the union with that person (although it may involve a high degree of closeness) cannot be authentically termed ‘partnership’. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

What if your partner said to you that he beat his ex girlfriend black and blue one night after a few drinks? Would you honestly not judge him even a little bit? Would you not worry that he may become violent towards you?

seahorse

Beetlebum wrote: »

What if your partner said to you that he beat his ex girlfriend black and blue one night after a few drinks? Would you honestly not judge him even a little bit? Would you not worry that he may become violent towards you?

Jaysus, ha ha! Lol, if he said that I'd have to assume someone had slipped something in his drink! If you knew the man you'd get the joke!