Boyfriend playing games? drugs?

LegacyUser

Been with my bf for 6 mths. this all changed this weekend. Now a bit of background he used to be quite heavy on the recreational drugs and I have never touchd a drug - however this hasn't been a problem, he has only done them the odd weekend and I keep out of it as it doesn't effect me

we were sposed to stay in and have dinner on saturday since i am very busy in work at the mo and broke as is he. So sat I get to his and he decides we're goin out to meet his friends ( i have only met one of them before). I'd have preferred to stay in but I went out anyway . So we go out meet his friends in a pub..he is in and out having smokes and i chat away to his mates when he is out - no issue there - - we went onto another bar later and he disappeared for half an hour - he arrived back and couple minutes later was out again with the lads having smokes - didnt arrive back after 40 mins ( at this stage i was left with 2 ppl i had never met on my own)

I was gna leave it but was starting to feel fairly humiliated that ppl were asking me where he was so i went out to get him. I have never ever been annoyed at him but i was a wee buit and he sussed this and asked me so i said well yeh a little as i know if I left him on his own he would be in a serious strop. So his mate is sitting with us starts teling him ( in front of me) he is behaving like a d!ckhead and doesn't deserve me. He had taken a few pills at this stage and wants to go to a house party in the house pf lads who aren't even out ( wake them up to drink) i wasnt in the form and asked if he minded if we left it or i'd leave it if he really wanted to go. He was ok with going home.

So sunday was fine. Not a bother - he was on a bad comedown and very depressed but ok
Monday I get a text from him telling me he is unhappy that I got upset on saturday and is thinking he isnt in it for a relationship as he didnt think he had to consider other ppl and isnt able to do this ( we're not that young wither - late 20s) a lot of texting follows ( both in work) and basically he liikes me more than he ever liiked anyone but he hates that has to consider me esp when he is on pills
this is very out of character really never happened before.
I was devastated didnt expect it at all - the weekend wasnt a major row or anything def not a reason to split. he phoned me at lunch and mentioned nothing about the texts - asked me to go over - at this stage i thought he was dumping me so imagined it was to break up.
went over that night and nothing - he acted like nothing had happened - kissed hugged wouldnt have mentioned the texts unless i brought it up and when i did told me to please forget it as he was v depressed and on comedown and didnt want to split - no apology just forget it. my head was wrecked but no point pushing him so i just text on tues asking were we ok - he said yeh just hij worrying about his hols and drugs and stuff stressed him out - -


what the hell? I dno what to do - up til this i knew where i stood with him everything was amazing weekends away dinners in etc - he was only talking about me meeting his family on sunday and now i dno what to do - i think the way he spoke to me and the texts were very uncalled for and made me feel **** - i asked was he unhappy and he says no he never been happier - - friends think i should jump ship but i just dont know where this came from how can u say that stuff and then just expect someone to forget it

LegacyUser

OP again, sorry this is a bit long and ranty - am very shocked/confused/ headwrecked at the minute and hoping some opinions will help settle my mind

ManOfMystery

If people want to take drugs/drink/smoke/etc, its entirely up to them. But when it starts having a negative impact on your relationship - as it is obviously doing so here - that person needs to re-evaluate their position on things.

If he is going to end up making you feel like crap every time he has a comedown and gets depressed, he should really choose between you or the drugs - both together obviously won't work in the long run.

shellyboo

He can't expect you just to forget it. He owes you a major apology and a clarification of what he wants. He needs to understand that if he wants to be with you, that involves considering you - he can't have a get out of gf free card whenever he wants to do pills, either.

Basically he needs to grow up.

kjl

Eh, the comedown can put you in a daft state of mind, as do the drugs, don't worry its just a phase, everyone eventually stops taking them.

In fairness he did go home with you when you asked, but I know how you feel. If you really feel that this is an issue then pursue it, if not, just let it go

LegacyUser

I was putting the past few wkend of drugs down to pre hol benders but I am annoyed/upset that he could say /text that stuff to me comedown or not. I would do anything for him and he knows it, even when he is hungover or whatever i never moan or get thick i pure help him out the whole time and what do i get as a thanks - dumped by text??? I know his friends keep saying to him that i am too good for him and he gets thick over this but I don't want him choosing drugs over me - i don't think i'm too good for him and I don't think any less of him for doing drugs. Until now it wasn't an issue for me at all. These last few weeks though drugs are taking priority over me. He can't function when he is on them he completely changes personality and turns into an obnoxious ass. I dno what to do i'm devastated because we have lots of things planned and i love spending time with him, being with him, etc but I can't handle being treated like this and worrying that he is just gonna drop me for the sake of a few pills. Seems like such a waste

BankMan

Sounds like the drugs are making him behaving eratically. I imagine it must be difficult for a non-user to go out with a user. From your post, it doesn't sounds like you're getting a great deal. Hope it works out..

LegacyUser

First of all I take what he said in the texts on monday to heart. Classic case of monday blues.

I think you should say to him what you have said here. Be clear to him that when it starts affecting your relationship well then of course he should consider you. You said he had doen them before occassionally, but you have kept out of it. Why don't you use these as an example to highlight the fact that there was no problem these times because you weren't around when he was either on pills or in a bad way the next day. It's when your there and he's taking them that problems arise, so he should be more considerate in that respect.

By the way if you ever feel that you wish he wouldnt take them, please be careful how you address this. I say this because my ex used to demand that i never take them, saying stuff like "if you love me you wudnt do them" etc. etc. We had some very long arguments about this. The funny thing was though that I hadnt touched them for years before we started going out and wasnt pushed on doing so again anytime soon, but we argued about it because for me it felt like A. She was being controlling by saying i never touch them altogether and giving me ultimatums etc., and B. She has never done them so she has no right to tell me to do/not do somehting she knows nothing about. To be honest If she had just said "I'd prefer if you tried to avoid them" or soemthing i probably would of promised never to take them.

LegacyUser

This is just the thing tho i HAVE been around when he has taken them and I HAVE certainly been there the day after. He has been so bad that he has phoned me begging me to go over coz he needs hugs. I'm fairly laid back and I care a lot about him so I do it. His friends have told him ( i know only coz he has drunkenly/drugged phoned and told me every time) that I am too good for him and if he wants to hang onto me he shud kick the drugs and just go for it ( this is not something i have ever ever said or thought!) the past two weekends he has blatantly put me second to drugs - last week he was an hr late meeting me and then so funked we cudn't really do anything. This weekend just made me feel like crap i was really humiliated and upset being abandoned so he could talk random to a stranger outside - he even acknowledged that it was wrong and he understood why i was upset YET a day later its a big deal and how dare i be upset in front of his mates ( can i point out i did not make a scene i'm fairly quiet and not a stroppy cow he asked was i upset i said yes that is all)

I don't mind that he takes them but whatever he is taking now is seriously altering his moods and i seem to be the only person getting attacked because of it. I was devastated reading the texts he sent me and i didnt want to have a big talk about it coz i know he doesnt do that but i at least deserve more than oh forget it i was depressed - surely after all i have done for him and the fact that he says i'm the best thing thats happened to him surely i deserve better than that - i really am just destroyed by this, couldnt begin to explain how well we were going before this

Taltos

Sorry OP - but what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

From your posts it seems like you are there for him to call on when he needs one of your "hugs" - seems like this is happening all the more frequently.

Also - WTF - "i don't think i'm too good for him"
Don't undersell yourself, this is typical I low self-esteem crap. Fact is you are too good for this loser. You seem to always be there for him - somehow you are not judging him wasting your lives - and you let him destroy whole weekends while he floats off and then you have to nurse him out of his downer.

Sorry - but IMO this guy is just wasting your time.
Fact is you are not being treated well here. And that is all you have to say - "hey - Stoner - you are treating me like Sh1t. I am not here to prop you up - I am not here to be left alone with strangers - I am not your personal hug-machine - you need a pick-me-up get a coffee. Now until you can sort yourself out Faff the hell off - I deserve better! I deserve someone who will be there for me even 1/2 as much as I am there for you! I deserve someone who will build a life with me and make happy memories. I don't fancy getting to 60 and thinking back of my first few years with my Stoner of a partner and thinking of all the time I lost while they curled in a ball railing at the world being so nasty to them"

Seriously OP - What exactly are you getting from this relationship?
> do you really feel loved / special - cause you should....

ManOfMystery

Agree with the above - OP, you really need to assert yourself. This guy sounds like someone who enjoys spending their life in a daze but having someone there (who happens to be you) to look out for them and provide whatever they need. Stop selling yourself short; the guy obviously places a bunch of small pills full of chemicals as high on his priority list as you, and you should be more angry about this IMO - you sound annoyed but also prepared to accept that's the way it is. DON'T accept that.

If wouldn't matter if it was drugs, or drink, or gambling, or any form of hobby, etc - if it's taking precedence over your relationship, it's time for you to tackle him head on about making some changes. And if he isn't prepared to make them, then you have to decide whether you're going to put up with that or move on.

Life is short for everyone, so don't spent it playing second fiddle to your partner's recreational pursuits.

LegacyUser

my head is just wrecked. I'm stressed out in work at the moment and he knows this. All I asked is that he cut me some slack til my busy time is over - next week and now this.. i just dno what to do at the moment. I know if it was a friend of mine i'd tell her to walk away and times I think i'd be better off but other part of me is waiting for him to return to normal and apologise and make it up to me. I dunno is he doing it because he is going away and wants to brush me off so he can do something over there. . My nerves are gone with him at the moment like even if he send me a short/snotty text I'm thinking oh god what now is this another break up or is he pissed off over something. I just think it is so unfair and out of the blue. I can't understand where it came from.

LegacyUser

I know I prob come across as an idiot but my head is just wrecked with this. If he made some sort of effort to reassure me he or make it up fair enough but my nerves are gone with this. Everytime he doesn't reply or gets a bit short with me i am afraid he's gna end it - - in one sense i feel liike i shud end it coz this totally changes things and i do think i deserve better than this since i would do anything for him. BUt on the other everything is going so well until this so i really don't want it to be over because of something liike this! I dno if he is doin it coz he is away next week and thinks he can go mad if things are bad with us but i never moaned about him goin away in the first place