Wife Can't Orgasm

LegacyUser

... at least with me she can't

We've been married for a good number of years and she hasn't orgasmed once with me. I know she masturbates by herself and orgasms this way.

When we have sex, there are so many rules. It will be in one of two positions, I can can't touch her down there and she won't let me give her oral.

She's just not comfortable doing these things. It's like sex is an extremely private thing to her and she only lets me in a little bit.

It really bothers me that she can't orgasm with me via regular sex but she won't let me stimulate her in any other way - yet she does this by herself in private. I would absolutely love her to do this with me but there isn't a chance in 1000 years that she would do this with me.

Anytime I raise the subject she is really quick to close it again. We will have limited discussion but only enough to keep me happy but without addressing the core issue. She seems to think it's enough that she gives me sex every so often to keep me happy. But she just doesn't get that it's the intimacy I want - for us to be comfortable with each other.

She insists that it doesn't bother her that she can't ogasm with me... but it bothers me immensely. When we try to discuss is, it comes down to this is what she's comfortable with, so stop bringing it up. In all the other threads you read about this issue, you find many people suggesting other means of stimulation - but my wife won't entertain anything other than missionary in the dark. I really enjoy sex with her, but I just feel so inadaquate that she doesn't orgasm and that she won't let me help in any other wya.

I've suggested counselling but she really doesn't want it - I haven't forced the issue though.

I really love her so much and this is the one area of our lives with issues. I even feel bad , almost guilty for this being an issue for me. I wish I could accept things the way they are. I try to pretend that I can accept them, but it eats away at me all the time.

It's like I have two choices:

1. Accept what she is comfortable with and accept limited sexual intimacy but constantly feel inadaquate and frustrated and imagining constantly what she does by herself.

2. Force the issue and get to to face up to her sexual inhibition but also risking our relationship and making her feel worse about herself.

Am I being reasonable to feel this way? What can I do about this without jeprodising our relationship and making my wife feel terrible about herself?

Thanks all for reading.

Miss Fluff

[QUOTE=WantToSatisfy;62131132I know she masturbates by herself and orgasms this way.[/QUOTE]

How do you know this to be the case OP?

LegacyUser

Op Here...

Miss Fluff wrote:

How do you know this to be the case OP?

She mentioned it once. However, I have no idea how often or frequent this is. In general, since our first child, she does have a much reduced appetite for Sex.

puglover

OP do you think in the long-term your relationship will be at risk if she doesn't face up to the fact their is a problem?

To be honest I think you need to be more assertive about realising there is a problem and you want to sort it out.

I think she probably does need to talk to some sort of therapist about her issues and possibly it's something you could do as a couple.

Miss Fluff

SatisfyHer wrote: »

Op Here...



She mentioned it once. However, I have no idea how often or frequent this is. In general, since our first child, she does have a much reduced appetite for Sex.

I find it hard to believe that she regularly masturabates and brings herself to orgasm and yet won't allow you touch her with your hands or mouth when you're having sex (in the dark might I add). Just doesn't ring true somehow. It would seem strange to me (and I'm not a psychosexual counsellor so correct me if I'm wrong here peeps) that she's open enough on one hand to masturbate and then is so terribly repressed on the other.

Has sex always been this miserable or is it a recent thing, i.e. have these "rules" you speak of always been in place or is it since having children or some other event?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

I find it hard to believe that she regularly masturabates and brings herself to orgasm and yet won't allow you touch her with your hands or mouth when you're having sex (in the dark might I add). Just doesn't ring true somehow. It would seem strange to me (and I'm not a psychosexual counsellor so correct me if I'm wrong here peeps) that she's open enough on one hand to masturbate and then is so terribly repressed on the other.

Has sex always been this miserable or is it a recent thing, i.e. have these "rules" you speak of always been in place or is it since having children or some other event?

OP here again.

Thanks for the reply. Sex isn't miserable - I do enjoy it. It's just anticlimatic and I'm left feeling inadquate and really wish she would let me satisy her in other ways.
Things were a lot better before our first child. I know she has been a lot less comfortable with her body since then.

The thing is, she won't talk about it. Maybe you're right. Maybe she's only masturbated once! Although I have brought this up and mentioned the specific issue that she can't orgasm with me, won't let me touch her but does touch herself. She didn't correct me.

shellyboo

That sounds hugely frustrating, OP, and my heart goes out to you. In what way have you approached it with her? Have you ever taken a "I want to make sex better for you" line with her?

Maybe you need to explain to her that you don't want sex to be something that she does for you, you want it to be something that you share together, giving and receiving pleasure equally.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

That sounds hugely frustrating, OP, and my heart goes out to you. In what way have you approached it with her? Have you ever taken a "I want to make sex better for you" line with her?

Maybe you need to explain to her that you don't want sex to be something that she does for you, you want it to be something that you share together, giving and receiving pleasure equally.

OP here again.

Thanks Shelly. It is frustrating

When I say things along those lines, she just repeats the same mantra - that it really doesn't matter to her that she doesn't cum. That leaves me thinking that it's something she just wants to be over with as soon as possible. It's such a delicate issue and I hate bringing it up.

Next time I bring it up, I think I'll have to insist that we work it through properly, as a previous poster has suggested.

pookie82

Hang on, has she ever said that she finds sex boring/a turn-off/is disappointed in it? If not then I'm not sure why you're so insistent it has to be improved. Sounds to me like she's quite happy not having an orgasm during sex with you and when she wants to have one she sorts herself out. It's not a crime to want sex without having to come, maybe that's something she likes to keep to herself.

You sound like you have much more of a problem with it than she does. if she has told you that that's how it's going to be there's not much else you can do about it. You say sex is pleasurable for you, so why not just enjoy it and stop putting pressure on her?

It's not terribly unusual or a sign of there being something seriously wrong to not want oral either. I'm really not a fan of oral sex, despite having orgasmed from it before (so it's nothing to do with who I'm with). It's not a sign of some deep seated insecurity or some massive sexual hang up - I just don't like it. Your wife sounds like maybe she's incompatible with you sexually. You want to try various positions, oral etc, and she's happy to do it in the dark without the frills.

I would suggest forgetting about this obsession with making her come for a while (sounds like she's not up for letting that happen anyway) and just enjoy sex again for what it is. People are going to say there's sth emotionally wrong with her for holding back etc, but to be honest she just might not be a very sexually orientated person. If you guys are intimate in other ways I wouldn't worry about it.

shellyboo

SatisfyHer wrote: »

OP here again.

Thanks Shelly. It is frustrating

When I say things along those lines, she just repeats the same mantra - that it really doesn't matter to her that she doesn't cum. That leaves me thinking that it's something she just wants to be over with as soon as possible. It's such a delicate issue and I hate bringing it up.

Next time I bring it up, I think I'll have to insist that we work it through properly, as a previous poster has suggested.

Does she know that it matters to you? Definitely more talking is needed.

pookie82 wrote: »

Hang on, has she ever said that she finds sex boring/a turn-off/is disappointed in it? If not then I'm not sure why you're so insistent it has to be improved. Sounds to me like she's quite happy not having an orgasm during sex with you and when she wants to have one she sorts herself out. It's not a crime to want sex without having to come, maybe that's something she likes to keep to herself.

You sound like you have much more of a problem with it than she does. if she has told you that that's how it's going to be there's not much else you can do about it. You say sex is pleasurable for you, so why not just enjoy it and stop putting pressure on her?

Mmmm, I have to disagree. I don't think it's ok to hold back an aspect of your sexuality from a partner unless that's been agreed between both people. Particularly within marriage where it's not as simple as walking away.

I think it's short-sighted to say that it's pleasurable for him so he should just leave it. Sex is obviously leaving him unfulfilled, and he obviously feels guilty that he's taking pleasure but not giving it - and she's created that situation, so she has a part to play in resolving it.

I really don't think this is a put up and shut up situation.

pookie82

Some people just aren't well matched sexually. Not orgasming is not a crime. She has reiterated time and again that she has no problem, he says his only problem is HER not enjoying herself, she's fine with it, he enjoys sex, I just don't get it at all. I think he's making a mountain out of a molehill.

What is she supposed to do, force herself to try and come? From the sounds of things this will undoubtedly make her feel even more uncomfortable about sex and that certainly won't lead to an orgasm.

I have no doubt that people here will blame this on all sorts of underlying issues etc but I genuinely feel that if she's happy with the way things are, as she expressed, and he's only unhappy with her possible dissatisfaction, we haven't got a problem other than his idea of what she should feel during sex.

shellyboo

pookie82 wrote: »

Some people just aren't well matched sexually. Not orgasming is not a crime. She has reiterated time and again that she has no problem, he says his only problem is HER not enjoying herself, she's fine with it, he enjoys sex, I just don't get it at all. I think he's making a mountain out of a molehill.

The fact that he's posting about it here would indicate that he's not enjoying it though. I couldn't enjoy sex if I knew my partner was just humouring me. Which is what the OP's wife is doing.

Not orgasming is not a crime, and I never said that. REFUSING to orgasm - that's different. She won't orgasm with him, she won't even let him try, she wants to do it on her own. She's holding out on him. I don't think that's fair. It's like saying to your husband "I like restaurants, but only on my own. I won't go to a restaurant with you, I'll only go on my own, and I won't discuss this with you." It's not fair.

pookie82 wrote: »

What is she supposed to do, force herself to try and come? From the sounds of things this will undoubtedly make her feel even more uncomfortable about sex and that certainly won't lead to an orgasm.

I have no doubt that people here will blame this on all sorts of underlying issues etc but I genuinely feel that if she's happy with the way things are, as she expressed, and he's only unhappy with her possible dissatisfaction, we haven't got a problem other than his idea of what she should feel during sex.

I don't thinks she has underlying issues - tbh, I think she's just selfish. She doesn't have to force herself to orgasm, but yeah, she should try. She can do it elsewhere, why not with her husband? I don't think "I don't want to" is a valid enough reason, to be honest. Especially if she's happy to orgasm alone.

pookie82

shellyboo wrote: »

The fact that he's posting about it here would indicate that he's not enjoying it though. I couldn't enjoy sex if I knew my partner was just humouring me. Which is what the OP's wife is doing.

Not orgasming is not a crime, and I never said that. REFUSING to orgasm - that's different. She won't orgasm with him, she won't even let him try, she wants to do it on her own. She's holding out on him. I don't think that's fair. It's like saying to your husband "I like restaurants, but only on my own. I won't go to a restaurant with you, I'll only go on my own, and I won't discuss this with you." It's not fair.




I don't thinks she has underlying issues - tbh, I think she's just selfish. She doesn't have to force herself to orgasm, but yeah, she should try. She can do it elsewhere, why not with her husband? I don't think "I don't want to" is a valid enough reason, to be honest. Especially if she's happy to orgasm alone.

Well we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. The way I see it, one of them is going to have to be unhappy to make the other one happy. Having a need to feel more intimacy during sex means he's asking that she orgasm. She clearly doesn't need or want to. It's a classic case of sexual incompatibility.

If all the talking in the world isn't fixing it, I don't see what will.

Edit: I see problems on here all the time about people wanting their OH to do such and such sexually and the general advice when it comes to sex is don't be pressured into anything, do what makes you comfortable etc. I don't see why she should be pressured to have an orgasm just to keep him happy.

pookie82

shellyboo wrote: »

The fact that he's posting about it here would indicate that he's not enjoying it though. I couldn't enjoy sex if I knew my partner was just humouring me. Which is what the OP's wife is doing.

You don't know that she's just "humouring" him, though. Having sex without orgasming can be enjoyable. They just want different things from the sexual act. Sounds to me like he's harping on and on about what he wants from her, she reiterates time and again she doesn't want or need to come... It's a dead end situation unless maybe they get professional help.

Also, it sounds in the OP like their relationship has always been this way. He was aware from day one that she never orgasmed or felt the need to during sex and now he has decided that he wants her to and that therefore she should. If she had suddenly refused intimacy or this was a new problem - totally different story. But she's never been any different, this is always the way that she's approached sex, he knew this from the start, and now he's trying to change it despite her making it clear she's happy the way she is. If he went in aware of the situation and sensed a difference of opinion on sex he should probably have asked questions sooner.

AMK

Sounds like she isn't very comfortable with her own body, probably more so since she's had the baby. She doesn't want you to look at her. Does she know how desirable you find her? How much you love her? Tell her what you'd like but tell her these things as well. Keep trying gently but don't dwell on this too much or it will destroy what you already have.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

@Pookie: I'm not insisting that she orgasm with me - just that she let me try to stimulate her in other ways. It's not true what you say that it was always this way. It wasn't. She's holding back a lot more now, since the baby, than before. Before I might even say that her sex drive was greater than mine. But her sex drive is greatly decreased since baby.

Lower sex drive in itself wouldn't bother me. It's the feeling that she's withholding a part of herself from me that bothers me. While we're making love, she's constantly pulling the covers over us to make sure nothing is exposed. Once, while we were "getting started" she plugged out my mobile phone charger because of the little green LED on it!!!

I just feel that she isn't willing to budge from her comfort zone one little bit... because of a "why should I?" attitude. If I'm bothered, it's my problem. I just don't think that's valid in a marriage.

I would love to just be happy with what we've got. To a great extent I am and I've tried really hard to be content. But it plays on me psycologically all the time. For a man it's a huge issue to think that his wife is getting satisfaction somewhere else, other than with him. That is always going to bother me. If it is going to be the case that I will just have to live with this and nothing can change fundamentally, then I'm sure I'll have to get counselling to learn how to live with it.

shellyboo

SatisfyHer wrote: »

Lower sex drive in itself wouldn't bother me. It's the feeling that she's withholding a part of herself from me that bothers me. While we're making love, she's constantly pulling the covers over us to make sure nothing is exposed. Once, while we were "getting started" she plugged out my mobile phone charger because of the little green LED on it!!!

I just feel that she isn't willing to budge from her comfort zone one little bit... because of a "why should I?" attitude. If I'm bothered, it's my problem. I just don't think that's valid in a marriage.

I would love to just be happy with what we've got. To a great extent I am and I've tried really hard to be content. But it plays on me psycologically all the time. For a man it's a huge issue to think that his wife is getting satisfaction somewhere else, other than with him. That is always going to bother me. If it is going to be the case that I will just have to live with this and nothing can change fundamentally, then I'm sure I'll have to get counselling to learn how to live with it.

I can see where you're coming from totally and I agree with you 100%. You seem to have a great handle on what's bothering you exactly about this, so counselling could be a great option for you. That part I've bolded really hits the nail on the head.

If your wife doesn't want to participate, tell her you're going on your own because you need to talk to someone about it.