Marraige Over? (Your Views)

shoemad

I have been married to my OH for 3 years. I knew him for 4 years previous to this. I met him when I had just come out of a long term relationship. We saw each other for approx 6 months and everything was great...he was everything my old boyfriend wasn't...exactly what i needed at the time. Old boyfriend found out i was seeing someone else and he crashed his car "on purpose" to get me back...I know i shouldn't have but i did go back.. this only lasted a couple of months and we both knew it was never going to work.

At this point I got in contact with my now OH. He took me back and i thought everything was fine. We dated, then moved in together and then got married. I moved to where my OH is from in order to be with him, leaving my old life behind and all my friends along with it. I became very dependant on my OH for social activity... where i moved to i found it really hard to make friends.. did all the usual things but everyone seemd really clicky. This is where I think all of my problems have stemmed from!

I eventually started to make some friends and guess what? My OH never seemd to like any of them! I never went out without him and I know I shouldn't have let myself get into the situation but when i would make plans I would have to let him know weeks in advance and then i would be ignored for 3 days, the day before i went out the day i went out and the day after. He just doesn't trust me to be out without him...he hardly trusts me to go to work! If I'm not home at exactly the time i say i get the phone calls "where are u?" even if its only 5 mins. Its like he wants to control every part of my life... cant even go and visit family on my own...coz he needs to know that i am really there!

Anyway things have come to a head now and he hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks! Yes 6 weeks...no convo at all. He went away for a wkend...everything fine when he left, hasn't spoken to me since he got back! I was at work the whole time he was gone so its not like i was out enjoying myself and he knows this.

I have told him that we need to sit down and talk to each other about whats going on and we decide to work it out or we decide to call it a day. I think in my head i have already called it a day and i think he knows this. Only thing is everyone that knows me and my relationship says that he will never leave me alone! TBH I really regret ever getting married.

Dont know what i want from writing this but i cant stick it anymore.

LauraLoo

hi OP

sorry to hear about your bind...

i think you are right about sitting down to discuss if this is going anywhere but first i would say to ask yourself whether or not you still love him and if its worth saving...

he obviously has control/trust issues (maybe he is still carrying hurt from when you left him for another man?) but if you think the marraige is worth saving and he is willing to acknowledge his behaviour is not acceptable to you and try to make some changes then maybe you can try to work things out.

if he cant change his behaviour then believe me, you will not be the same person in 10 years so get out as soon as you can while you still have some inner strength left. controlling partners have a skill of slowly and subtly beating down a persons self esteem and confidence which prevents them from leaving.

couples counselling might be good as you can have a mediator hold the room so that you can both safely express your honest feelings...

Taltos

LauraLoo wrote: »

if he cant change his behaviour then believe me, you will not be the same person in 10 years so get out as soon as you can while you still have some inner strength left. controlling partners have a skill of slowly and subtly beating down a persons self esteem and confidence which prevents them from leaving.

+1 to all of the above post.
Family member went thru something similar to you but left after much longer and now there are kids in the mix.
TBH it is a complete mess.

Suggest you try to follow the advice above or if you have already tried and are seeing no improvement then try to get the courage to leave.

Miss Fluff

shoemad wrote: »

Anyway things have come to a head now and he hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks! Yes 6 weeks...no convo at all. He went away for a wkend...everything fine when he left, hasn't spoken to me since he got back!

That is truly intolerable. What the hell does he hope to achieve by IGNORING you for six weeks. You have the choice now whether you want to stay in this marriage or not, and I wouldn't let this carry on it's current state a moment longer. Either he agrees to marriage guidance councelling immediately or you start legal separation proceedings. You don't mention once in your post that you love him or care about him so if that's the case, get out sooner rather than later tbh.

OS119

OP,

forget the talk of counselling.

do you want to spend your life with a bloke who has to be told by someone else that not talking to you for 6 weeks after he goes away for a weekend is the action of a complete c0ck?

no?

so leave. inform him that you do not wish to see or hear from him again, and that your only contact is to be through solicitors. further you should tell him that the law is very clear, if you are contacted by someone you do not wish to be contacted by you are being harassed, harassment is a serious criminal offence - and husbands are not excluded.

go home, you're old friends will welcome you. get a new SIM card and email address. if he makes any attempt to contact you through any other person ask them to report the matter to the Police.

Moomoo1

OP, this is a _really_ strange way to behave, it seems like he is trying to drive you away on purpose?

Are you sure his heart is in it any longer?

VaioCruiser

shoemad wrote: »

TBH I really regret ever getting married.

Dont know what i want from writing this but i cant stick it anymore.

Adding both of these statements together it seems to me that it is over with a capital O.
You don't say you love him. You don't say you want to stay with him. And he is an obsessive insecure control freak.

End it before it gets more complicated and you get pregnant.

All the best.

Splendour

shoemad wrote: »

Anyway things have come to a head now and he hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks! Yes 6 weeks...no convo at all. He went away for a wkend...everything fine when he left, hasn't spoken to me since he got back! I was at work the whole time he was gone so its not like i was out enjoying myself and he knows this.

Sounds exactly like my ex husband and it nearly drove me insane!! This non talking thing is paramount to torture as far as I'm concerned.He too would completely ignore me for weeks on end over the most trivial matters, and then when he felt like it would snap out of his mood and begin talking again.
I asked him to go for counselling but he wouldn't go, so eventually I packed my kids and as much stuff I could fit into the car and left him. After I left him he decided counselling would be a good idea but tbhat this stage, I'd had enough. When he realised I wasn't going back he said he'd make life hell for me-and he has!

Having said that, I reallyreally believe that if a marraige can be saved , then do your utmost to save it. Ask him if he will go for counselling. At least then you'll know if he thinks the marraige is important to him.

Take care.

Splendour

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP, this is a _really_ strange way to behave, it seems like he is trying to drive you away on purpose?

No, he's trying to control the OP.

AMK

This is twice today I've heard of husbands doing this non-talking thing. My friends sister was married to a man who did this and my husband did it too. We're separated now. My friend said her sister drove herself crazy for years trying to figure out what she had done. She eventually discovered that he did this to his own family long before he married her. They're separated now as well.

I agree with the OP who said it's mental torture. My husband didn't talk to me once for five full months. He would regularly sink into this torpor of foul humour, brooding, watching every move I made and not talking. It would culminate in an outburst of aggressive shouting, verbal abuse and blame. Then he'd feel better (I wouldn't, I can tell you) and he'd be OK for a while and the whole cycle would start all over again.

My friends sisters husband didn't do the temper thing my husband did - he would just turn around one day and start talking to her again. And she would never know what it was about, except that he considered it her fault. My husband always said that too,

Are you connecting this behaviour with the fact that you left him and then went back to him before the marriage. You shouldn't. This isn't about you really - he would behave the same no matter who he was with or if that had never happened. It's about control and that need to control is inside him and you can't do anything about it. If he doesn't understand that he has a problem, that this isn't right or if he downplays it, things are unlikely to change. They might change for a while but it won't last. My own experience makes me want to shriek 'get out, especially before you have a baby'.

As for worrying that he will never leave you alone? Well, it's possible that this could happen. But it's a bad idea to have it as a reason for staying in the marriage. You might decide to stay anyhow but it shouldn't be for that reason. Harassment is a crime and you would have to treat it accordingly if in the future this worry became a reality.

shoemad

Hi All

Thanks for all of your replies/advice! It definately helps to see what others think!

OH has now said we will talk at the weekend...don't know what good that will do...i'll keep ye updated!

Thanks again

Moomoo1

Splendour wrote: »

No, he's trying to control the OP.

bit naive trying to control someone in this way

LegacyUser

too many people give up too easily - its a marriage, you cant just walk away after ONE disagreement. Marriage is for life and the op got into a marriage with a view for richer, for poorer etc etc etc. Work on it, he wants to talk to you - see what he says.

Taltos

Moomoo1 wrote: »

bit naive trying to control someone in this way

Not really - over time you wear the other party down and as the weeks stretch out that person begins to doubt themselves - this all feeds into the control techniques employed by their "loving" partner.

Either way - it is not an adult way to behave - imagine ignoring your pet dog for 6mts - you can't can you, so why treat someone you supposedly love and respect with less graciousness.

Taltos

shoemad wrote: »

Hi All

Thanks for all of your replies/advice! It definately helps to see what others think!

OH has now said we will talk at the weekend...don't know what good that will do...i'll keep ye updated!

Thanks again

Hold on - he is telling you that you will talk at the weekend.
Tell you what - pack his bags tomorrow - leave em outside the door and tell him to call your solicitor at the weekend if he fancies a chat.

OMG - this guy is the pits - seriously - who does he think you are - some lackey of his to order about?

scarymoon1

Taltos wrote: »

Hold on - he is telling you that you will talk at the weekend.
Tell you what - pack his bags tomorrow - leave em outside the door and tell him to call your solicitor at the weekend if he fancies a chat.

OMG - this guy is the pits - seriously - who does he think you are - some lackey of his to order about?

hang on a minute - you cant just end a marriage just like that - talk to him and see what he says.

dogbert27

OP, I'm not trying to be cruel when saying this but you put yourself in this position by your original actions.
You said you ended it with your OH to go back to your ex and then ended it with your ex to go back to your OH who you're now married to.
By going back to your OH he probably saw this as him being in the stronger position in the relationship which can be seen by you moving to where he lives, only seeing his friends, etc.
His paranoia with regards to your movements shows his lack of trust which leads back to you leaving him to go back to your ex. He hasn't forgotten or really forgiven this.
It is seriously affecting you and reading your original post I saw you questioning yourself and worrying about your actions while your OH was on his weekend break. You said everything was fine before he left and he hasn't talked to you for 6 weeks since he came back. You know that you didn't do anything wrong that weekend but do you know that he didn't do anything wrong that weekend? He could have done something wrong and instead of being truthful with you probably finds it easier to drive you away and not face the difficulty of a conversation.
The good thing about your situation is that no kids are involved. In the conversation this weekend you should lay iton the table for him. Cut out the bull**** immature behaviour. If he doesn't trust you tell him to come out and say it and what that would mean for your marriage. If he shows no sign of changing or wanting to give your marraige a real go then cut your losses now. You had the courage to come on here and look for advice, if you have to cut your losses I'm sure you'll have the courage to call up a family member to come and pick you up and take you home away from the situation where you can start a new chapter in your life.

Taltos

scarymoon1 wrote: »

hang on a minute - you cant just end a marriage just like that - talk to him and see what he says.

Talk to him?
When - have you read what she has written.
He has given her the silent treatment now for 6wks and when she tried to talk to him about this just this week - he told her to effectively get lost and wait until the weekend?

I mean - when I have had issues in my marriage - I do not say - lets wait a while - you have to address them immediately.

This kind of petulant immature behaviour just messes with you mind and who needs that kind of play? Life is tough enough without the person you rely on the most forcing you into some kind of "time-out" zone cause they are on a power trip or want to punish you.