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My Problem

  • 16-09-2009 12:20am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi All,
    We have been going out for nearly seven years are getting married next year..

    The thing is my financee and I will be 30 when we marry, and tonight she has brought up the conversation about having children (for the 2nd or 3rd time) asking me when will we start having them etc.. Don't get me wrong I am really looking forward to being a father and would be greatful if children came into our lives..

    But my financee is all talk about what if we can't, or if there is a problem with her or me and would this cause a problem between us..
    It is something I have not really gave much thought to and would not see it as the end of the world if we could not convcieve on our own, as ther are many options out there.

    About ten or more years ago my financee had an abortion,She has told me all about it and that she nor the fella she was with would not have been in a position to raise the child and that they both felt it was the right thing to do...We she told me I was shocked and horrified, But I love her and have accepted it as being in her past and we never talk about it.. I feel that she is worried about not getting pregnant as a result of this abortion and that it may come between us in the future..

    I just need to put this out there, because of the way that she brought it up tonight just out of the blue..So my questions are?

    Does an abortion really have an effect on a woman getting pregnant?
    Is it possible that it is still lying in the back of her mind and that she still has flash backs to how she felt at the time after the abortion?
    Or am I just being either selfish or stupid in my way of thinking about the whole thing?


Comments

  • #2
    wexford202
    Closed Accounts Posts: 350 ✭✭wexford202


    Ok having an abortion shouldn't affect having more children phsyically so that's not a worry.

    Yes maybe she is worrying too much. She could be thinking will she be punished and not able to have more kids whether the problem will be with you or her for having an abortion. That again is fairly normal. My friend was a little like that after an abortion years ago and then around the time she got married. She since had two babies.

    It is something that myself and my husband talked about before we got married. I was afraid that we couln't for no reason other than fear and I needed to know he would never be put off me if I couldn't give him a child. I am now pregnant myself.

    I think it is just the reassurance that you are there for the long haul really and I wouldn't worry about it.

    Also maybe she wants to try straight after the wedding so maybe just talk about your definite trying plans etc whether it will be a week month or year before ye try.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi,

    Your fiancé may well be suffering from the massive guilt that some people feel after having an abortion and she may feel as though she does not deserve to have the joy of a child in her life now that she's ready having had an abortion.

    Well that's how I felt - but don't worry she'll get over it.


  • #4
    laura l
    Closed Accounts Posts: 75 ✭✭laura l


    i think you are very understanding, OP, she's lucky to have you!.
    maybe suggest she has a chat with her GP to put her mind at ease?


  • #5
    kittenkiller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,433 ✭✭✭kittenkiller


    Con Fused wrote: »
    ...The thing is my financee and I will be 30 when we marry, and tonight she has brought up the conversation about having children (for the 2nd or 3rd time) asking me when will we start having them etc.. Don't get me wrong I am really looking forward to being a father and would be greatful if children came into our lives..

    ...I just need to put this out there, because of the way that she brought it up tonight just out of the blue..So my questions are?
    I think you need to sit down with her and have an open and frank discussion.
    It's obviously weighing on her mind and at 30 she doesn't have all the time in the world as a woman to conceive. (Plenty of time as long as you're not trying for too long I guess.)

    As a couple preparing to get married, I think that a chat about having children and a timeline guide for both of you shouldn't be a conversation left too late.


  • #6
    b3t4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,325 ✭✭✭b3t4


    Con Fused wrote: »
    But my financee is all talk about what if we can't, or if there is a problem with her or me and would this cause a problem between us..
    I think these are natural questions for a woman who's getting older to wonder about. I wouldn't necessarily connnect her abortion to these questions.
    It is something I have not really gave much thought to and would not see it as the end of the world if we could not convcieve on our own, as ther are many options out there.
    I presume you've told her this? Or were you taken aback by her questions and forgot to say this?

    Her abortion seems to be a subject that you seem to not want to bring up or talk about for fear of rocking the boat. I'm sure this sort of thing would be best out in the open between the two of you.

    If it's any consolation or comfort a friend of mine, who had an abortion years ago, recently had a baby.


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