My girlfriend is broken.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I've been seen a girl for the past 4 months. We're both in our late 20's and get on amazingly well. On the face of it, we don't have any problems. But last night we got talking and I learned some worrying things about her.

Basically she's not been the same since having her heart broken by her first relationship. They were going out for 3 years and broke up almost 5 years ago. She told me that she still feels numb inside and almost has an inability to love anyone ever again. By her own admission if she were in my shoes and someone told her that, she'd run a mile.

I just don't know what to do. I'm absoutely crazy about her and was pretty sure she felt the same way about me. We both tick so many boxes for eachother and admit to being the best we've ever had. But thinking about the future, am I wise to invest in this relationship when she could turn around at anytime and just say enough is enough?

Truth be told, I want more than anything to help her get better. I believe enough in us as a couple to give myself to her no matter how it works out in the end. To even think of us not together in the future or her or me with anyone else is just too much.

I guess if anyone could lend some advice that would be great. I'm doing as much as I can to keep the communication and honesty and respect between us strong, I don't know if there is anything else I can do.

puglover

unreg12345 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I've been seen a girl for the past 4 months. We're both in our late 20's and get on amazingly well. On the face of it, we don't have any problems. But last night we got talking and I learned some worrying things about her.

Basically she's not been the same since having her heart broken by her first relationship. They were going out for 3 years and broke up almost 5 years ago. She told me that she still feels numb inside and almost has an inability to love anyone ever again. By her own admission if she were in my shoes and someone told her that, she'd run a mile.

I just don't know what to do. I'm absoutely crazy about her and was pretty sure she felt the same way about me. We both tick so many boxes for eachother and admit to being the best we've ever had. But thinking about the future, am I wise to invest in this relationship when she could turn around at anytime and just say enough is enough?

Truth be told, I want more than anything to help her get better. I believe enough in us as a couple to give myself to her no matter how it works out in the end. To even think of us not together in the future or her or me with anyone else is just too much.

I guess if anyone could lend some advice that would be great. I'm doing as much as I can to keep the communication and honesty and respect between us strong, I don't know if there is anything else I can do.

TBH it's hard to know what to do here, I'm thinking maybe you want more than that for yourself?

I can only tell you from my own experience, I was like your gf a couple of years ago. Word for word how you described it is how I felt. But then I met someone and it all changed and I am very much much in love now.

This might happen with time with your gf, or maybe she needs some counselling to deal with her past and help her to move on from it?

LauraLoo

i think that the fact that she is sharing this with you is a positive sign that she most likely does love you mentally but is disconnect emotionally so she just cant feel it. if she didnt have feelings for you she prob wouldnt have bothered being so vulnerable to tell you something like this...

i am not diagnosing but just giving adive on an experience based on her saying she feels numb inside...

i suffered with a mild form of depression for over 10 years with similar feelings of numbness mixed with sadness and a general cloud over my head and never went to see anyone about it as i always thought depression was bi-polar or manic or extreme levels of sadness...i always thought that something was wrong such as a break up, losing a job etc

it turns out i just have a chemical imbalance and the anti-depressants are working wonders- i havent felt like myself in so long...

im just saying it as your girlfriend could have a similar issue... maybe she could discuss her feelings with a GP and see what they think?

im not saying that she isnt still hurt from her broken heart but if she has a chemical imbalance (possibly caused by the severe emotional strain) then if the physical element is healed then she can get working on the emotional pain and at least maybe start to feel things again...

if not... then maybe she could work with a counsellor to re-awaken the pain so that she can let it go... if a person blocks the pain out for a long period of time rather than working through it and letting it go, they can become numb to any feeling as the emotional response is literally switched off.. if this is the case then maybe, as a friend, you can help her through thi by being a shoulder to cry on

Wibbs

Funny was only thinking about this elsewhere here recently. Basically that breakups are like a death close to you in that they're both emotional hurts that have a grieving process.

They seem to follow a similar path to healing too. When I was looking for the stages of grief I came upon a link that noted that some people(apparently 10%) get locked into excessive grief and don't move on after a year.

It would be my take that a similar thing may go on with the emotional upheaval in some after a breakup. Maybe even more as the person, the object of that emotional grief is still out there. I can think of a fair few who took years to move on. I can also think of some who never really did. They were the minority though.

Maybe a part of that is going on with your GF? I agree with the others that she is being honest and that's a good thing. Where do you go from there though? If she is fine in her life in every other way but this one, would that still be in the realms of a depressive illness? I dunno, but even if she is grand elsewhere this part of her life is negatively affecting her and her relationships, so a therapist might be a good plan.

metrovelvet

^ I would agree with this and also what you said about it being worse because the lost object is still out there.

It's a tough one. But I think asking someone who is still that wounded to be in a relationship is like asking a parapeligic to go surfing. They just can't do it.

VaioCruiser

unreg12345 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I've been seen a girl for the past 4 months. We're both in our late 20's and get on amazingly well. On the face of it, we don't have any problems. But last night we got talking and I learned some worrying things about her.

Basically she's not been the same since having her heart broken by her first relationship. They were going out for 3 years and broke up almost 5 years ago. She told me that she still feels numb inside and almost has an inability to love anyone ever again. By her own admission if she were in my shoes and someone told her that, she'd run a mile.

I just don't know what to do. I'm absoutely crazy about her and was pretty sure she felt the same way about me. We both tick so many boxes for eachother and admit to being the best we've ever had. But thinking about the future, am I wise to invest in this relationship when she could turn around at anytime and just say enough is enough?

Truth be told, I want more than anything to help her get better. I believe enough in us as a couple to give myself to her no matter how it works out in the end. To even think of us not together in the future or her or me with anyone else is just too much.

I guess if anyone could lend some advice that would be great. I'm doing as much as I can to keep the communication and honesty and respect between us strong, I don't know if there is anything else I can do.

Hi OP.

My question is how much do you want her ?

Everyone comes with baggage. Yes this girl has some tough stuff, but that is what being in a partnership is about, tackling challenges together. Next year it might be you who needs a lot of support.

I would suggest that if you really do want her, then you just take it slowly and steadily and allow her time to recover. Her recovery will be accelerated enormously by being in a stable loving situation with someone who cares for her, takes care of her and doesn't push her. Time will heal.

All the best

Splendour

Hi OP,

Maybe you could suggest having a break for a while so she can get her head around what she really wants? Possibly during that time she may realise what it is she's feeling for you and,hopefully, come back to you...

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. To be honest, I've felt sick to my stomach all day at the thought of losing her.

I've a terrible sinking feeling that she's going to put up walls and distance herself from me after our frank discussion the other night. She wasn't planning on divulging all of that to me and maybe she regrets it now as I'm picking up some negative vibes off her today. I don't know, I'm only speculating but don't want to poke the wound by asking her again. I think she needs space and I'm doing my best to give it to her.

To answer VaioCruiser's question, I want her more than anything in the world - warts and all. I'm just afraid that she's not going to give me a chance because she was under the assumption that the grief and numbness would go away once she's meets the right guy.

I just hope she can see that we are really good for eachother and the negative thoughts running through her head aren't a reflection of our relationship but the pain she has gone through before. Maybe they won't be fixed by being in a healthy relationship alone.

I wouldn't know how or where to suggest a therapist. Actually I think she might be offended if I said it to her, even though it could be for the best.

I'm not going to rush her but am here for the long haul because I can't bare to give up on us. I think I could really good for her, and her for me too.

As it happens, we're not going to be able to see eachother for the next week or so as I'm away on a job up North. That could be a good thing, or not, time will tell.

I'll keep ye posted, fingers crossed we can work through it.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here again,

Well our week apart begins today. We had a long telephone conversation earlier and got talking about our relationship again after she brought it up.

She tells me that she is so close to running away from us to a life by herself where she doesn't have to confront these issues ever again.

We had a good talk though. I told her how much she means to me and stressed that anything bad she's feeling now is not a reflection on us but something from her past. She agreed with me on that.

I've explained that by being in a loving relationship alone won't fix her. She needs to deal with her grief and confront her emotions head on rather than bottling them up any longer as this is simpy not going to work. She even considered professional help after I brought up the idea.

I've asked her to take the week to reflect on us, where we've come from and where we might go in the future if given a chance. I've said that we can take things really slow and I'll support her every step of the way.

As for me, I'm well and truly gutted. I can't stand the thought of losing her. I can barely eat or sleep these past few days and am praying, just praying that she believes enough in us to do the right thing to try to get better.

The thing is though, that she doesn't really want to get better because it's so easy to run away. So i'm trying my absolute best to convince her that her way of thinking is effectively poisoned from her past experiences. She isn't running from me, but from herself and that's never going to work.

Someone might be able to help me out on other advice to give her so we can get through this thing together.

We're going to meet up next weekend and I'm hoping to god that she doesn't do something as stupid as giving me my marching orders

Acoustic

after 5 years she's still a mess ???

id walk away if a girl i was dating told me that , no matter how much i loved her

i wouldnt wanna be anybodys second choice

if this said person wanted her back , would she go to him and theres your answer

LegacyUser

Justy letting ye know our relationship is over....


I tried to be there for her, suggested taking it slowly or even a break but it's just not gonna work out. she's convinced it can't and i think i am too.


We could be really good friends though, I hope so. we broke up and then hung out for a while which was nice and left on good terms. there's no biterness between us, i can be really rational about these things so that will work in my advantage regards moving on.


ya, I think i'll be ok, it just kinda happened so its pretty raw...

this makes no sense we had everything but her heart is with another guy, there's nothing i could possibly do.

maybe i'll meet someone else, i dunno, we really seemed to be the most insanely perfect match immaginable but i guess not

my friends are coming over now and we'll have a beer and they'll cheer me up. that'll be good.

sorry for going on and on, i'll be off now, wish me luck

hollis12

well i was in a similar position to your girlfriend although my numbness and inability to love was a result of different issues, she does love you and it seems like its a cry for help.

if you want to help her tell her that you will be patient with her and there for her if she needs it. the absolute worst thing you could do is spend more time with her! busy yourself with your own life go out with your own friends.

G-Money

I'm not sure but I think you did the right thing. She sounds like she's not going to give things a proper chance and seeing you are so nuts about her, that's not really fair on you.

There's only so much you can do to help someone but eventually everyone has a limit to what they can do. If the other person is unwilling or unable to at least try, then you are within your rights to go your seperate ways.

Yeah it will hurt like a f*****r for a while but you deserve to be with someone you don't have to work and convince to give things a proper go with you.

It almost sounds like you yourself emotionally are quite far into a relationship with her, but the actual relationship has barely even started. It sounds like she's not willing to give things a go so effectively it's like the relationship hasn't even got out of the starting blocks.

Anyway I hope things get better soon.

unhappycamper

Wow, so she has told you she has not got over her x boyfriend and you are still hanging around hoping that by magic those feeling will just stop? Get out of there before you get any more hurt by the sad fact that she is unable to move on. No offense but wheres your dignity?

Wibbs

hollis12 wrote: »

well i was in a similar position to your girlfriend although my numbness and inability to love was a result of different issues, she does love you and it seems like its a cry for help.

Possibly, but we can't tell if she loves him or not. I suppose the most anyone can say is that she doesn't love him enough to make a healthy go of a relationship.

if you want to help her tell her that you will be patient with her and there for her if she needs it. the absolute worst thing you could do is spend more time with her! busy yourself with your own life go out with your own friends.

+1. Though cold fish that I am, I personally wouldnt suggest I'll be there for her. You're not her shrink, or her friend so long as you have those feelings for her. All of what she does and says will be filtered through those. What if you stay around and in 6 months time she meets someone else and is "ready" for a relationship with him? That's quite possible too. Headwreck for you all around. I can have infinite patience if someone is willing to work with me, but precious little if they're not. It goes double if romance is involved. I'm not willing to expose myself emotionally to that degree unless I'm getting it back.

metrovelvet

It's called being the "transitional woman" except your the man in this case.

kjl

Hate to say it dude, but she is not into you. You sound like the kind of person that is very caring and attentive and very nice overall, but shes just not into you or the relationship. When people say I am unable to love, its generally a hop skip and a jump to lets have a break to lets break up.

I could be wrong about all this and you can argue it till the cows come home, but if you want her to stay you need to reject her. At the end of the week break, tell her that on old female friend of yours came back into your life during your break and that you owe it to yourself to see if there is anything between the twp of you, Tell her you don't think she is in love or ever will be in love with you and that's not the kind of relationship you want. when she sees that you may not be available to her all the time, she may reconsider.

I hate to give you this manipulative advice, but it will work.