Is this normal or am I depressed?

LegacyUser

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years about a month ago. Overall it was a mutual decision but I guess she wanted to slightly more than I did, although I was fine with the decision too. The break-up wasn’t too messy as these things go so we haven’t fallen out as such.

Basically over the past 2 weeks in particular I’ve become a living wreck. I think about her first thing when I wake up in the morning and she’s the last person I think about before I fall asleep at night. I'm not sleeping very well either. When I get home from work in the evening it’s just staring at the tv for a few hours and then off to bed again trying to sleep. We used to spend practically every spare minute together so it’s her company I miss in the evening and we did everything together if the other person was free.

I see her quite a lot as we live in the same part of Dublin. We have a good few mutual friends also which I don’t know is a good or bad thing. We still speak almost everyday by phone, text or meet up on occasion also. Think break ups are tougher on lads than girls cos women can talk about these things with their friends, while we are just meant to grin and bear it and perhaps get pissed 2 or 3 times a week.

She gave out to me the other day as she said I had lost a lot of weight. I haven't noticed but this is probably the case as my appetite has completely diminished lately for some reason. I haven’t suppressed it deliberately or anything, just never seem to be hungry.

Have broken up with girls before but can never remember feeling this bad over someone. She brought a lad home over the weekend. At least she’s beginning to move on. Have kissed 2 girls since too but meant absolutely nothing to me to be honest.

So is it time I just need or should I just grow a pair of balls and forget about it?

Dankoozy

no chance you 2 can get back together?

LegacyUser

118820 wrote: »

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years about a month ago. Overall it was a mutual decision but I guess she wanted to slightly more than I did, although I was fine with the decision too. The break-up wasn’t too messy as these things go so we haven’t fallen out as such.

Basically over the past 2 weeks in particular I’ve become a living wreck. I think about her first thing when I wake up in the morning and she’s the last person I think about before I fall asleep at night. I'm not sleeping very well either. When I get home from work in the evening it’s just staring at the tv for a few hours and then off to bed again trying to sleep. We used to spend practically every spare minute together so it’s her company I miss in the evening and we did everything together if the other person was free.

I see her quite a lot as we live in the same part of Dublin. We have a good few mutual friends also which I don’t know is a good or bad thing. We still speak almost everyday by phone, text or meet up on occasion also. Think break ups are tougher on lads than girls cos women can talk about these things with their friends, while we are just meant to grin and bear it and perhaps get pissed 2 or 3 times a week.

She gave out to me the other day as she said I had lost a lot of weight. I haven't noticed but this is probably the case as my appetite has completely diminished lately for some reason. I haven’t suppressed it deliberately or anything, just never seem to be hungry.

Have broken up with girls before but can never remember feeling this bad over someone. She brought a lad home over the weekend. At least she’s beginning to move on. Have kissed 2 girls since too but meant absolutely nothing to me to be honest.

So is it time I just need or should I just grow a pair of balls and forget about it?

Hey I feel your pain. It's crap isn't it but it's completely natural to feel the way you're feeling at the moment.

It is depression but it's transient. Everything is depressed within you, both physically and mentally and it just takes time to re adjust and that's just what you're in the process of doing now.

I know everyone is different but spending every evening with your loved one can really come back and kick you in the teeth. It's tough.

Is there any chance of reconcilliation? Your original post is sparse on detail but I do get a sense of boredom and apathy having crept into the relationship. And it's sad that after 4 years of investing in this, that neither of you could talk about what's missing. OK that's an assumption but I'd say so many coulpes just coast along and end up where you two are without noticing the change of scenery! Anyway it's obvious she still cares about you a lot with that remark about you losing weight!

Relationships need constant work and attention.

Anyway, good luck with this. It will get easier but give yourself a break too. You have to look after yourself as well.

LegacyUser

No chance I'd say we'll get back. Was at cinema recently with her (bad idea, although it wasn't mine) and I said sure you'd never know what might happen in 6 months/a years time.

She was fairly adamant that this was it.

Wibbs

I know it doesn't seem like it but her being adamant is actually a good thing. The wishy washy "I'm not sure/maybe down the line" breakups are far more of a headwreck. It's nearly, if not always bull too. I'd even go so far as to say that in the rare enough event of couples getting back together, the adamant ones were the ones that did. I think it's because they're not as selfish emotionally as the wait and see ones. Those types are usually just looking to avoid their own guilt or keep the other person as a fallback option.

First thing is to admit that this relationship is over for good. There's a slight possibility of you getting back together down the line but that would be a new relationship. It would have to be or it would fail again.

Realise that you will go through the emotional mill. Realise that it will wreck your head and last for some time too. But, realise it will pass and it will pass quicker than you think too. Realise you will meet other women and feel nada for them, but then you will meet one woman that you will feel something for.

Admit your mistakes in the relationship, but don't paint her as a saint either. It takes two to tango. Work on those mistakes and learn from them and then you won't repeat them with someone better for you.

reesa

Do you live alone now?
Sounds like you do from your OP.
If so consider a flatmate or a dog or something as it's probably not helping that you are so much on your own - that is only going to compound the loss you feel.

LegacyUser

Nah, I'm living with 2 others but wouldn't know them well enough to talk about it to them.

Part of the problem is I don't really have anyone to get advice off. My friends would all be fairly private about things like this so don't want telling them how I feel.

The only person who knows how I am feeling is the ex but not a lot she can do about it! Still texting one of the girls I was with but think this is just to keep my mind off things.

LauraLoo

hi OP

i think this is a normal grieving process we go through when there is a huge change in our life... although at the same time when you say that you suggested to her "you never know what happens in 6 months" then it shows that you do want to get back together...

you need to try and cut as much contact with her if you are to move on or else you need to seriously discuss your feelings with her and ask her outright if you can give it another go. if she rejects you then so be it but you might need this to actually move forward. as long as you are still friends you will always cling to the hope

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. I feel your pain as am in a similar situation myself and it is very hard.

Having read an article in the Times on Saturday about depression in light of a breakup and a gazillion others in print and through obsessive googling of "heartbreak", "how to get over being dumped", "how to get your boyfriend back", "signs your man has commitment issues", "why the no contact rule will win your lover back" and "am I depressed or it is normal to be this catastrophically insane after rejection" etc etc, I REALLY hope, that sooner rather than later I will look back at all of this, with a slight blush of cheek and a rueful shake of the head wondering whether it was all just some out of body experience!! Surely it's not normal to be this upset TWO months on? At the ripe old age of 32 having my heart broken for the first time is.....OUCH!

A friend of mine emailed me this yesterday morning and you should read it,it's very good. It WILL get better m'dear and I think the first step towards feeling a little better is to cut contact for a while. You can't begin to heal if you are constantly in touch.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/dumped.htm

Chin up x

lolli

Op,

You were with your ex for 4 years so its only natural to be down over it for a while. It'll get easier as time goes by. At the moment I would suggest arranging to meet friends (you dont have to tell them whats going on) or joining a club. Do something that will get you out of the house and away from sitting in watching tv every night. It'll take your mind off things.

Also you said your ex brought a guy home at the weekend. Can I ask how you know this? Did she tell you this? If she did shes not being very considerate of your feelings because thats something you dont need to know so soon after breaking up. Stuff like that is bound to hurt you. Also I think you should either cut contact or keep it to a minimum, its very hard to get over someone if they are still very much in your life.

Chin up.

LegacyUser

She was out Saturday night. When we talked on Sunday I asked her. Stupid I know. Of course I wanted to know all the details too which I was grand with at the time but have thinking about since.

lolli

11820 wrote: »

She was out Saturday night. When we talked on Sunday I asked her. Stupid I know. Of course I wanted to know all the details too which I was grand with at the time but have thinking about since.

Oh hun, dont be asking stuff like that. In some cases ignorance is bliss and this is one of those times.

LegacyUser

Yeah I know I shouldn't but was just nagging in my head at the time. Tough imagining her with someone else and wanted to know did she find it strange etc etc.