Have I done the right thing???

LegacyUser · 15-09-2009 11:53am #1

I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half last night. There were a few factors, mainly, he is a huge flirt, and even though I have asked him to stop flirting/commenting on other women, he still does it. Secondly, he can never make plans, I organise everything, he is not romantic or spontaneous because he is always busy with work, and after a year and a half there is no talk of a future or an plans for anything eg moving in together. I'm 27 and he is 25, we're not kids.

He is devastated and said he had no idea though I had tried to talk to him, but he doesnt seem to listen.

I felt I had all my reasons and I was doing the right thing, but now I'm not so sure, I mean maybe he could change? He has not contacted me since, apart from a message saying sorry as I think I was so straight up about anything he thinks there is nothing he can do, but if I thought he could change I'd give him another chance I think, becasue we always got on brilliantly underneath everything.

Am I making excuses for him and wasting time, or do I hold out and hope he will change? I can't decide....

dirtydress · 15-09-2009 12:43pm

Only he can change if thats what needs to be done, you can't force him to. To be honest it sounds like you did the right thing ending it now rather than hanging on another year and just being more disappointed. If he wants to build a future with you he'll make the effort to address the issues you broke up with him over and maybe then there is a future there.

I know seeing your decision in the cold light of day is tough and you begin to have doubts but just remember, you broke up with him for a reason.

finbarrk · 15-09-2009 12:45pm

I think you did the right thing. Better now than later.

SarahSassy · 15-09-2009 12:47pm

dirtydress wrote: »

Only he can change if thats what needs to be done, you can't force him to. To be honest it sounds like you did the right thing ending it now rather than hanging on another year and just being more disappointed. If he wants to build a future with you he'll make the effort to address the issues you broke up with him over and maybe then there is a future there.

I know seeing your decision in the cold light of day is tough and you begin to have doubts but just remember, you broke up with him for a reason.

+ 1

Maybe he can change but maybe he doesnt feel the need to or want to... Let him off and he will have time to think about things. Dont contact him and dont play with him by contacting him and getting back, nothing changing and then dumping him again in a month.

Step back and see if he comes back to you, if not, then you have to move on and find someone who will make you feel special.

VaioCruiser · 15-09-2009 1:55pm

Hi OP.

I believe you have done the right thing. You are different kinds of people. He is spontaneous and into living life to the full. You are into planning and nest building and being the sole focus of all of his attention.

About the change thing ... MEN DO NOT CHANGE. Women are wasting their time trying to change men, and need to move on to find the right guy who does not need to be changed.

All the best

LegacyUser · 15-09-2009 2:11pm

unsure_girl wrote: »

He has not contacted me since, apart from a message saying sorry as I think I was so straight up about anything he thinks there is nothing he can do, but if I thought he could change I'd give him another chance I think, becasue we always got on brilliantly underneath everything.

Another girl who breaks up with her boyfriend in a effort to try and change him.
You want him to realise, I miss her so much I'll change to get her back then run back to you.

Xiney · 15-09-2009 2:31pm

If you were so firm as to put any hope of reconciliation completely out of the realm of possibility, it could be that he is not even going to wonder whether he can win you back.

If you want him to consider changing for better in order to get back together, you have to tell him that.

I'd give him the word of warning though, that this is his last chance and you will not be dragged into an endless off again on again cycle.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2009 2:44pm

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP.

I believe you have done the right thing. You are different kinds of people. He is spontaneous and into living life to the full. You are into planning and nest building and being the sole focus of all of his attention.

About the change thing ... MEN DO NOT CHANGE. Women are wasting their time trying to change men, and need to move on to find the right guy who does not need to be changed.

All the best

I'm sorry but where did you get the info you've based on this from?

OP I think you should wait a week or so and give yourself a bit of perspective on the situation before you make any more decisions on this.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2009 2:53pm

You asked him to show you a bit of respect and not talk about or stare at other women, which is important to you. He didn't bother which shows that you weren't high on his list. Not nice to hear, but if your boyfriend doesn't care about your concerns (and you've every right to have your concerns), cut him loose. You've done the right thing by breaking up with him, you've shown him where the boundary is. Now it's up to him whether he wants to remain within that boundary. If he does, he'll contact you; if he doesn't, you won't hear from him again.

VaioCruiser · 15-09-2009 3:05pm

guestuser101 wrote: »

I'm sorry but where did you get the info you've based on this from?

I got this info from the OP's original post, which is pretty clear in this respect.

.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2009 3:10pm

I got this info from the OP's original post, which is pretty clear in this respect.

It doesn't say that anywhere in the OP's original post, there is nothing at all that indicates that. She even refers to how "he is always busy with work". That doesn't sound like he is living life to the full???

Try basing your advice on the facts rather than speculation and it might be more helpful

Xiney · 15-09-2009 3:39pm

Vaio Cruiser, it is very much speculation.

Let's deal with the actual issue rather than speculate too much, please. Arguing is off topic as well, so no more of that, unregistered101

patftrears · 15-09-2009 4:10pm

VaioCruiser wrote: »

About the change thing ... MEN DO NOT CHANGE. Women are wasting their time trying to change men, and need to move on to find the right guy who does not need to be changed.

Of course men change and virtually all do.

Woman can't force a man to change, but throughout history men have changed for a woman, men have been inspired to greatness and to be a better man by their love of a woman, it's the premise for most great stories.

All those men who treated woman terribly and were horrible boyfriends, are the same men who become someones sweetheart and the love of their life, the difference is they actually love the new woman and want to and do change for them.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2009 4:21pm

OP Here, thanks guys some really good opinions/advice there. I am going to leave it for a while and your right, if he wants to sort things he will make the effort to contact me. If not leave him to it. It is harder in the cold light of day. I'm not really trying to change him as such hence getting to the point of finishing, because I dont think you should ask someone to change. On the other hand if he wants to be more thoughtful and put in a bit more effort I'm willing to give him another chance if he seems genuine. Whole cycle of anyone promising to change and taking them back is not something I would want but everyone deserves one chance? Its hard because I love him. Logic seems to dissapear a bit though I am trying very hard to be logical maybe we just want different things

LegacyUser · 15-09-2009 5:37pm

Hi OP
In my opinion you did the right thing. You can wait and hope and pray things would change but you could end up wasting more time and still be unhappy if you didn't end it. Its only up to a person if they want to change.

VaioCruiser · 15-09-2009 9:38pm

unsure_girl wrote: »

OP Here, thanks guys some really good opinions/advice there. I am going to leave it for a while and your right, if he wants to sort things he will make the effort to contact me. If not leave him to it. It is harder in the cold light of day. I'm not really trying to change him as such hence getting to the point of finishing, because I dont think you should ask someone to change. On the other hand if he wants to be more thoughtful and put in a bit more effort I'm willing to give him another chance if he seems genuine. Whole cycle of anyone promising to change and taking them back is not something I would want but everyone deserves one chance? Its hard because I love him. Logic seems to dissapear a bit though I am trying very hard to be logical maybe we just want different things

You are doing the right thing. Men do not change. They split with their partners who don't like how they are and find partners who do like how they are. That's how life is for both men and women.
Your comment about one chance is abs true, for situations where the guy has done something wrong. This is not a case of doing something wrong. He has a different philosophy of life. He is spontaneous and lives life to the full and for the moment. He is not a planning, future kind of guy. It is always possible that he might change his line to get you back --- but I ask you do you really want a guy who has been forced to change his natural self to suit you ... and face the risk that he will resent it later and blame you ?

All the best

Wibbs · 15-09-2009 9:49pm

VaioCruiser wrote: »

You are doing the right thing. Men do not change.

With respect but that's utterly untrue and frankly a crock. I can think of many men(and women) who have changed radically over the years. Sometimes damn near unrecognisably. It is also dependent on age/stage of life people are at. If you or anyone else thinks that men don't change their attitudes and stay the same as people at 17 and 50, then I really don't know what kind of men you know. I know men at 25 being the biggest social butterflies, who at 35 were the biggest homebodies you could imagine. I've seen the reverse but more rarely. I've seen major drink and drug heads become amateur athletes. I've seen romantics become cynics and vice versa. The list is long. Change in people is a given. If not they're not human or they're pickled in aspic. I would say half the time it may not be healthy in that they become more insular and set in their ways, but change they do. Healthy change usually requires two things; the decision to do so and much more importantly the active working pursuit of such change.

VaioCruiser · 15-09-2009 10:03pm

Wibbs wrote: »

With respect but that's utterly untrue and frankly a crock. I can think of many men(and women) who have changed radically over the years. Sometimes damn near unrecognisably. It is also dependent on age/stage of life people are at. If you or anyone else thinks that men don't change their attitudes and stay the same as people at 17 and 50, then I really don't know what kind of men you know. I know men at 25 being the biggest social butterflies, who at 35 were the biggest homebodies you could imagine. I've seen the reverse but more rarely. I've seen major drink and drug heads become amateur athletes. I've seen romantics become cynics and vice versa. The list is long. Change in people is a given. If not they're not human or they're pickled in aspic. I would say half the time it may not be healthy in that they become more insular and set in their ways, but change they do. Healthy change usually requires two things; the decision to do so and much more importantly the active working pursuit of such change.

Regrettably you are so keen to take issue with me whenever you get the opportunity, that you do not read what I post and read it in context.

I have said repeatedly that men do not change. This is said in response to posters who want their partners to change on demand.
Do men (and women) change over the course of their lives ? of course they do. It's not brain surgery

The point at issue here. The relevant point - is about whether they change on demand.

They don't.

All the best !

Have I done the right thing???

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