First Short Story : Last Words

Slat3

Hello my first post here so please review.

LAST WORDS

The old man raises his left hand and rests it upon the child's shoulder. “What is it ?” the child whispers softly. They are sitting on a special hand-carved bench which was shaped by the old man's father when he was a little boy, It is a Sunday. The child loves this place and always enjoys feeding the different types of ducks from the edge of the lake. Many times the old man has brought the child here but today will be his last. It is almost silent except for the faint sound of the leaves rustling over their heads in the stiff Autumn breeze. This peaceful and secluded area is their only secret but today everyone will discover it.

The old man puts his right hand up against his chest. He feels a sharp blistering pain creep down from his neck and then drift across his body until finally focuses in on his heart. The child looks on with tainted fear at the old man face.“ Please...don't be scared my child ” the old man said, then he meekly gestures toward the lake and says “ This lake has been here for so long. You know when I was your age my father carried me up here many times, although I can't remember much of what he told me, he always repeated things. I just keep thinking about him .” The man looks out across lake and tries to remember something his father had always told him.

The old man's breathing begins to quicken as he tries to straighten his body. The child is clutch's onto the old man's coat. “ Do you want to go home? ” the child asks carefully. “ No. I won't be going home. ” the old man draws up his left hand to neaten the child's hair gently. “ Much as I would like to, I won't be... I'm Dying.” The child starts to cry uncontrollable. He reaches out and takes the child's hand from his coat then holds it close to his chest . “Forever child I will be remembered in your thoughts.” the old man looks back out across the lake and remembers.

“Be not those who recognise our mistakes before us but those who after reconcile our mistakes.” he exclaimed.

pickarooney

I'll just offer a few suggestions first, if I may.

Slat3 wrote: »

LAST WORDS

The old man raises his left hand and rests it upon the child's shoulder. “What is it ?” the child whispers softly. They were (you've switched tenses, something which happens multiple times in the piece) sitting on an old hand-carved (missing letter)bench from which the old man's father had shaped from oak when he (the old man or his father was a little boy?) was a little boy. (wrong punctuation) It was a Sunday. The child loved this place and always enjoyed feeding the different flocks (how does the child know they are different groups of ducks?) of ducks from the edge of the lake. Many times the old man would (watch the tense)bring the child here but today would (again)be his last. It is (back to the present tense)almost silent except for the faint sound of the leaves rustling over their heads in a (try match the/the and a/a)stiff Autumn breeze. This peaceful and secluded area was once their secret that today (first it's no longer a secret, then it soon won't be, meaning it still is)everyone will discover. The old man puts his right hand against his chest, (use a full stop or semi-colon) he feels this (non-referential 'this' is a colloquialism, fine for direct narration, not really suitable for written text)sharp blistering ache (an ache is a dull, continuous pain) enter what does it enter? can an ache enter anything? from his throat then drift across his body until the pain finally focuses in toward (consider a different preposition, such as 'on') his heart.

The child looks on with complete fear can fear be complete the way amazement can? It sounds clumsy at the old man's face. The old man's face (repetition: try work around it)was wretched(the face of a coronary victim would not really be wretched/miserable) from the pain as he pushed both of his hands into his chest and clenched his fists. The old man uses(tense, again) all of his strength to stare at the child (it sounds as though he's trying to kill the child with a glance. I know what you're trying to say, but you could find a better way to say it) “ Please...don't be scared my child ” the old man then meekly gestures toward the lake and says “ This lake has been here long before I were (Is the old man from Northern England? If not, maybe use the more regular 'was') your age and many times my father carried me up here, although I can't remember much of what he told me now, he always repeated things. I just keep thinking about him .” The man looks across the lake with a sudden realisation in his eyes and then looks at the child.

As the old man's breathing begins to quicken, he straightens his body. The child is clutching onto the old man's coat. “ Do you want to go home? ” the child said innocently (when you use this verb, you sort of suggest he's actually guilty of something). “ No. I won't be going home, ” the old man replies slowly. The old man draws up his left hand and tries to neaten the child's hair gently. “ Much as I would like to, I can't... I'm dying.” The child is stunned with fear and starts to cry as the old man's eyes are fixed on his child (this is confusing - is he not the child's grandfather?) that he had raised and loved since a baby. He then reaches out and grabs the child's hand from his coat and says as he closes his eyes “Forever my child I will be remembered in your thoughts.” (wishful thinking on the old man's part?)

“Be not those who recognise our mistakes before us but those who after reconcile our mistakes.” he exclaimed. (this doesn't read like English; what are you trying to say?)

The story is a bit flat and the cryptic last lines don't really help. What are you trying to get across in the piece?

Slat3

Thank you pickarooney for your help, I have tried to correct all of the error's but might have missed some.

I wanted to write a story that is open to all different interpretations. However this piece seems to be too confusing due to my basic mistakes so with better writing the story should have more clarity. The last line is something the old man's father had said to him when he was young. I could improve it so that it is easier to understand but it is meant to be cryptic.


LAST WORDS

The old man raises his left hand and rests it upon the child's shoulder. “What is it ?” the child whispers softly. They are sitting on a special hand-carved bench which was shaped by the old man's father when he was a little boy, It is a Sunday. The child loves this place and always enjoys feeding the different types of ducks from the edge of the lake. Many times the old man has brought the child here but today will be his last. It is almost silent except for the faint sound of the leaves rustling over their heads in the stiff Autumn breeze. This peaceful and secluded area is their only secret but today everyone will discover it.

The old man puts his right hand up against his chest. He feels a sharp blistering pain creep down from his neck and then drift across his body until finally focuses in on his heart. The child looks on with tainted fear at the old man face.“ Please...don't be scared my child ” the old man said, then he meekly gestures toward the lake and says “ This lake has been here for so long. You know when I was your age my father carried me up here many times, although I can't remember much of what he told me, he always repeated things. I just keep thinking about him .” The man looks out across lake and tries to remember something his father had always told him.

The old man's breathing begins to quicken as he tries to straighten his body. The child is clutch's onto the old man's coat. “ Do you want to go home? ” the child asks carefully. “ No. I won't be going home. ” the old man draws up his left hand to neaten the child's hair gently. “ Much as I would like to, I won't be... I'm Dying.” The child starts cry uncontrollable. He reaches out and takes the child's hand from his coat then holds it close to his chest . “Forever child I will be remembered in your thoughts.” the old man looks back out across the lake and remembers.

" Be not those who recognise our mistakes before us but those who after reconcile our mistakes.” he exclaimed.

weiming

>pickarooney did a nice analysis up there, and included every item I would have pointed out myself (and a couple more). Your re-write still includes similar tense errors, try writing from the simple past, which is a nice safe tense for narration, which is what you're doing.

If someone is reading an account of events, they must necessarily have already happened.

"The old man raised his hand and let it rest..."
"They sat on a special hand carved..."
"The child had always loved..."

The tense you're using implies the present continuous, or worse yet, the infinitive, it implies that the action is taking place (and continuing to take place) at this very moment or ceaselessly, but how can so many actions possibly take place at one time? It makes each statement seem disjointed, not to mention the random injection of other tenses.

I'm not sure about your reasoning for trying to use the present tense, but in my opinion the past tense will make your story many times more readable than it is currently.

About the "cryptic" message in the story: I've seen a few people now who want to use death and some sort of elusive message as a device in their stories and that's fine, these are some of the most common devices in writing, but the execution is lacking.

As the writer, I'm sure you have a lot of emotion invested in the characters and whatever meaning may be behind this message for you, but so far you have failed to convey that emotion and that meaning to the reader, so what is cathartic for you is simply confusing for the reader and in my particular case does not increase interest in the story but decreases it.

You might want to include more back story, and develop the characters a bit. As humans, we have to know something about someone and develop a connection with them on some level before we can feel any real emotion about them. You may have noticed minor characters in (mediocre) fiction suddenly talking about their hopes and dreams or their loved ones or whatever just before their death, this is done exactly for the reason mentioned above.

As far as cryptic messages and mystery, the unknown or incomplete is not necessarily mysterious in itself.
If I write:

"The man walked down the street, his hands stuffed deep into his pocket, smiling to himself because no one knew what was hidden there."

Do you really care what's in his pocket? You might just a little, because you assume the author would not be wasting your time and there is some consequence to whatever is in his pocket. However, if I go on to write that it was a button, or worse, if the story just ends, then I've failed to create any mystery whatsoever.

People have a natural curiosity, but you have to engage it properly, and this is not really done in the story, again because we know too little, and the characters are not so well developed that the reader cares to learn more about them.