How do you tell someone you have feelings?

LegacyUser

This might sound like a stupid question but I'm genuinely looking for some good advice here.
I'm female, 30 and have developed strong feelings for my friend with benefits (been seeing each other for two years).

How do I tell him?
I have to tell him as I think it's only fair on both of us and I'm quite aware that he might not feel the same as me (even though there are one or two things that make me think there's hope).

How can I say I have feelings without actually saying those words? Or is there a way to say it gently, to phrase it so that it doesn't sound like I'm head over heals in love?

Thanks.

kjl

Well its simple, just tell him that you want to go on a proper date, and ask him how he feels about it. When you are on the date, tell him that you have been reconsidering this situation that the two of you have together. Tell him that you feel that its going to end up with you getting hurt because you are starting to develop feelings for him.

If he has any kind of feelings for you he will reciprocate, if its just sex, he wont.

Then there is no point in continuing in this manor.

As much as this society has tried to convince itself that the whole FB's thing is ok, its not and someone always gets hurt.

GL OP

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thanks for that reply.

no i don't think this is about getting hurt as you say. It's just gone on too long. I think FB situations work when you have clear boundaries. We haven't. Sleeping over, cuddling, pillow talk, going out in public together etc.

I'd rather not have that convo in public though to be honest. Also i don't think it's wise to say i have feelings and don't want to get hurt. That's a bit too far for me.

I want something more subtle. Is that possible?

Emme

op here wrote: »

OP here.
Thanks for that reply.

no i don't think this is about getting hurt as you say. It's just gone on too long. I think FB situations work when you have clear boundaries. We haven't. Sleeping over, cuddling, pillow talk, going out in public together etc.

I'd rather not have that convo in public though to be honest. Also i don't think it's wise to say i have feelings and don't want to get hurt. That's a bit too far for me.

I want something more subtle. Is that possible?

You've been FBs for two years and you've been getting to know each other. Surely you have a right to say you have feelings and don't want to get hurt. Value yourself and be upfront with him and don't let him waste any more of your time if you want something more and he doesn't! If he doesn't want to take the relationship further I'd move on. Women rarely benefit from staying in a FB situation for more than a month or so.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.
My answer to this last question is ... No. There isn't. Life is far too important to leave it to the faint hearted. If you want something, you need to get out and grasp it before it fades away, forever.

You need to consider how much you want this guy. A lot ? a little ? a tiny bit ? You talk about feelings being hurt, but what about your feelings for the rest of your life if you DON'T ask ?

It sounds to be like you are already 'dating' anyway. You talk about going out in public. So what makes it a pure FB situation ?

My advice is to expand the things you do together - theatre, weekends away, and then a small intro to a friend on HIS side. That will tell you how he feels about it. If you subtly suggest it he will know that you are not insisting it stay as a FB situation, so it will be in his court to decide if it is on his side.

You are 30 now. Life is not going to go on forever. Grasp your future and don't let it disappear.

All the best.

LegacyUser

I didn't say I have no right. I'm talking about what I'm comfortable with. I'm the one who has issues admitting I have feelings for anyone - even in traditional relationships. And he hasn't wasted any of my time. This has been a mutually beneficial and enjoyable situation. The feelings have only recently developed on my side and I've been taking time to decide what to do about it. I've decided what to do. I was asking for advice on how to do it! Thanks anyway. And that's very sexist for you to assume that women don't benefit and are the only ones to get hurt.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP.
My answer to this last question is ... No. There isn't. Life is far too important to leave it to the faint hearted. If you want something, you need to get out and grasp it before it fades away, forever.

You need to consider how much you want this guy. A lot ? a little ? a tiny bit ? You talk about feelings being hurt, but what about your feelings for the rest of your life if you DON'T ask ?

It sounds to be like you are already 'dating' anyway. You talk about going out in public. So what makes it a pure FB situation ?

My advice is to expand the things you do together - theatre, weekends away, and then a small intro to a friend on HIS side. That will tell you how he feels about it. If you subtly suggest it he will know that you are not insisting it stay as a FB situation, so it will be in his court to decide if it is on his side.

You are 30 now. Life is not going to go on forever. Grasp your future and don't let it disappear.

All the best.

Thanks for this. I suggested a weekend away and he agreed. Though we've planned them before but I kinda backed out because of my feeble attempt to keep the lines clear. So that's not going to give him any clues. I'm also not ready to meet the mates even though I get the sense this wouldn't be an issue on his part.

I know I just have to sit down and chat. But what do I say to make it subtle. That's what I'm trying to figure out here. This is very difficult for me...not only in this situation but in general.