Lack of orgasm

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend a few months but we've only had sex a few times-I was holding out until we were "official". He is becoming quite frustrated at being unable to make me orgasm when we have sex-be it foreplay, penetration or afterwards, when he always wants to "help me out". TBH I faked it a lot with my last partner and decided to never fake it again because I want to experiance the real deal and not fake with new boyfriend.
Anyway, the last time we had sex he suggested that maybe we should use some sex toys to help me achieve an orgasm and I find it a bit repulsive. I am not averse to using them on my own but I was really shocked he suggested it as a solution to this "problem". I have told him it doesn't bother me so much that I haven't come with him because I find the entire act of sex pleasureable and I can have an orgasm anytime on my own. I think maybe he feels like he's not doing enough to get me off and maybe that's why he suggested the sex toys.
I guess I have two questions. Do men feel inadequete when their partner doesn't come every time during any sex act? And is the use of sex toys to "solve" this problem common? Like I say I am not a prude, I love sex and use toys on my own, but they are a substitute and no match for the real touch of a man, so I'm a bit upset he thinks this is what I need when I enjoy every element of sex with him and would never dream of introducing a substitute.

finbarrk

If you have no problem doing it yourself then go ahead and do that when he is in bed with you. I'm sure he won't mind. It will turn him on big time.

Wurly

Well you obviously know what gets you off as you can give yourself an orgasm.

Why don't you show him what you like and what works for you?

You shouldn't have to do without an orgasm - at all. He's getting them all the time, why not you??

shellyboo

user19802 wrote: »

Anyway, the last time we had sex he suggested that maybe we should use some sex toys to help me achieve an orgasm and I find it a bit repulsive. I am not averse to using them on my own but I was really shocked he suggested it as a solution to this "problem". I have told him it doesn't bother me so much that I haven't come with him because I find the entire act of sex pleasureable and I can have an orgasm anytime on my own. I think maybe he feels like he's not doing enough to get me off and maybe that's why he suggested the sex toys.
I guess I have two questions. Do men feel inadequete when their partner doesn't come every time during any sex act? And is the use of sex toys to "solve" this problem common? Like I say I am not a prude, I love sex and use toys on my own, but they are a substitute and no match for the real touch of a man, so I'm a bit upset he thinks this is what I need when I enjoy every element of sex with him and would never dream of introducing a substitute.

What Tri said! You can make yourself orgasm - how? Why don't you get him to do the same thing to you? Or incorporate that into your sex life somehow.

Using sex toys as a couple is extremely common and there's no need to be upset. You know yourself that sex toys don't "replace" a man, they're just a tool you use to get off. Why not let your boyfriend enjoy them with you? They're not a replacement for him, or a substitute, they're just an enhancement. Make it clear to him that you don't want to use them every time, that you want it to be just you and him sometimes too.

Your boyfriend just wants to be part of your pleasure... I think you should let him. Put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel if the only time he orgasmed was away from you?

Miss Fluff

You reaching orgasm shouldn't be a state secret. Show him how you do it and incorporate it next time you're having sex. You not reaching orgasm is denting his ego big time so showing him what you like, what makes you cum will only enrich your lovemaking.

And sex toys are not a "substitute" but a great addition imo. Don't do anything your uncomfortable with but I'd see it as a good thing that he's open to using them.

VaioCruiser

Do what the above suggest - and in the meantime fake it. It will give him peace of mind and satisfaction that he is not inadequate. It will all lead ot a happier time together.

All the best

Julietta

OP, I certainly wouldn't advise faking it, once you start it will be very difficult to stop and you have already stated you don't want to with this man, but I do think you need to sit back and look at this a bit more objectively - if your chap was not worried about your lack of orgasm, then I would be definitely be concerned! What you have is a man who wants you to experience pleasure (I know you find sex pleasurable but hey, there ain't nothing like an orgasm) and isn't particulary fussed about how you get it - he's a catch in my book!

I told my current partner that I don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone, he was surprised (and I was surprised that he was surprised!) but we talked some more about it and I explained that while I still find sex extremely pleasurable, I need a little something extra and he was happy to oblige. I always orgasm with him, during foreplay and afterwards, and he gets to orgasm during so everyones a winner. If he can't get me off as can happen sometimes, I will help myself out but while he is there so he feels a part of things, he absolutely loves watching me, whether I use a toy or not -as a poster below said, toys are not a substitute but a fantastic addition to sex and just great fun!

OP, it strikes me that you may be quite self conscious around your chap, you said you've only had sex a few times, would this be the case? If so, you need to take things slower until you are comfortable enough to show him how to make you orgasm - the only way to do this in my book is by talking to each other, if you don't then he will keep feeling inadequate and you will keep orgasming on your own and sooner or later one of you will get sick of it.

Good luck,

J.

Terodil

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Do what the above suggest - and in the meantime fake it. It will give him peace of mind and satisfaction that he is not inadequate. It will all lead ot a happier time together.

Oh, pulling the 'lie freely if it smoothes the bumps' card again are we.

Yes do the above, tell him what you need/want, and show him how. Don't fake it though. That's so demeaning for you both and he'd have to be extremely stupid to fall for it. It would also be counterproductive. Tell him he's getting better, guide him further, tell him (and show him) you love what he does, and when you finally do come, you'll both be pleased as hell, and he'll have learnt what to do in the future.

If you fake it, you
- treat him like an imbecile
- take away all motivation for him to continue to learn (why would he, if it's all graaand)
- take away the sense of real achievement
- be untrue to yourself and lie

Positive reinforcement is important though!

VaioCruiser

Faking it is the loving and kind thing to do with a partner who is getting increasingly frustrated and clearly is losing sight of the original purpose of making love and of being together in an intimate way.

Total honesty when a partner is unhappy and hurting is cruel and selfish and counter-productive and really only benefits the conscience of the teller.

Fake it for now and use the learning process mentioned - the combination will most likely be a success.


All the best.

RossFixxxed

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Faking it is the loving and kind thing to do with a partner who is getting increasingly frustrated and clearly is losing sight of the original purpose of making love and of being together in an intimate way.

Total honesty when a partner is unhappy and hurting is cruel and selfish and counter-productive and really only benefits the conscience of the teller.

Fake it for now and use the learning process mentioned - the combination will most likely be a success.


All the best.

Or talking openly like adults and not having to fake it all the bloody time. So she still goes on not having an orgasm and he thinks he's great and they get stuck into that rut. Jesus Christ I sometimes wonder who gets on to this site, I really do. God only knows what your part... oh wait are you the guy who hasn't had a woman in 10 years or something. I'll just put your advice in the 'do the opposite' pile on these issues. Bye now.

Can people not sit down and talk like grown ups anymore?

Terodil

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Total honesty when a partner is unhappy and hurting is cruel and selfish and counter-productive and really only benefits the conscience of the teller.

I think you picked the wrong autotext here VaioCruiser.

Anyway, I would advise the OP against this as I suspect you, VaioCruiser, may be incorrectly generalising from yourself to the majority of men. Most, if not all, men I know would see through such a lie immediately, if not by watching the tell-tale signs of her body, then by the glaring contradiction between her teaching efforts and her fake 'success reports'. Plus the other reasons I mentioned above.

All the best.

Taltos

I am totally with the anti-fake-it brigade here.
Don't go there - if he finds out he will just wonder what else are you lying to him about esp as this is so important to him

You got some great advice above about showing him / toys etc - why not try that and encourage him to be patient. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time to really be able to relax with your partner - but never give up encouraging him and showing him what you need.

There are lies(omissions) to protect people and then there are lies that just end up ruining everything - this would be one of the latter...

Wibbs

Terodil wrote: »

Most, if not all, men I know would see through such a lie immediately, if not by watching the tell-tale signs of her body, then by the glaring contradiction between her teaching efforts and her fake 'success reports'.

+1 while I wouldn't say most men, I would say that he'll either believe her and continue on as before and never learn, or realise she's faking and go off the boil and never learn. Sexual honesty with kindness is the way to go. Communication is everything. I would emphasise kindness though.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. Unfortunately men still believe they can spot fakers, while women have been faking orgasms since the beginning of time. It's kind of funny really. In numerous surveys over the years approx 70% of women have admitted faking and 100% of them have reported that their partners never knew (check it on the web, people)

So OP. As I mentioned above and not as misquoted repeatedly by the "Honesty" fundamentalists ... fake it while you find a way to achieve it, with his help and by teaching him. What is the main goal in this ... some kind of honesty scout badge ? or a happy partner and eventually a happy you..?

All the best

Terodil

VaioCruiser wrote: »

while women have been faking orgasms since the beginning of time.

Yes, while women have also been largely repressed/repressed each other since the beginning of time and are only recently truly discovering their own sexuality and needs. Faking stems from an archaic understanding of sex where it all comes down to keeping him happy, by making him a) come and b) believe she came because he's such an awesome stud. :rolleyes:

VaioCruiser wrote: »

In numerous surveys over the years approx 70% of women have admitted faking and 100% of them have reported that their partners never knew (check it on the web, people)

Ooooh, if it's written on the web and supplemented by fancy statistics then it has to be true :eek: To be fair I have no illusion that all or even many men would know, but the music is in the context: These awesome studs (see above) need to have pea-sized brains in order to fail the consistency check between continuous improvement suggestions and wall-shattering orgasms from the start.

Let me quote Wibbs for greater truth:

I would say that he'll either believe her and continue on as before and never learn, or realise she's faking and go off the boil and never learn. Sexual honesty with kindness is the way to go. Communication is everything. I would emphasise kindness though.

+1M.

VaioCruiser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

fake it while you find a way to achieve it, with his help and by teaching him.

Why in god's name would he want to "learn" something he thinks he's already achieved? How are you not seeing this?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,
Thanks for the responses-has given me something to think about!
I am DEFINATELY not faking it. As I said in my original post I faked with my last boyfriend and it worked against me because he never really learned how my body worked and I had to do without many times-even though he was happy and why wouldn't he be?! Eventually I got so used to faking I began to forget how to have an orgasm at all and how good it feels.
One poster said that mabye I'm not comfortable enough to relax yet-that is true as we are still getting used to eachother naked and I'm very self conscious about my body. Another poster gave me great advice that the important thing is he wants to work on making me come by any means (toys included!) and that this is a very positive thing-I had not thought of it that way but it really gave me a new perspective.

VaioCruiser

bluewolf wrote: »

Why in god's name would he want to "learn" something he thinks he's already achieved? How are you not seeing this?

I would have thought it was clearly obvious to you

VaioCruiser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I would have thought it was clearly obvious to you

How would it be obvious to anyone? He wants to make her come, thinks she has, repeats wrong actions thinking they work.
they don't, she can't "teach" him further without revealing she was lying, lose-lose. It's a stupid idea.

Wibbs

OK folks lets dial it back a notch. All friends here.