My friend is practically a single mother

LegacyUser

My friend who had a baby almost a year ago came to me for advice but everything I offered she has already tried, so I am interested in hearing from other people, especially those in the same boat.

She became pregnant unexpectedly, but it was ok as she has just bought a house, had a long term partner.. it was just a bit early that's all. She has a good job, but its stressful and she has to study too to qualify in her profession (she's not qualified yet). Her partner has a good job too, and works loads of hours. The problem is, that even though he said they'd manage, all the childcare arrangements fall to her. She drops off the baby and picks her up after work everyday, even leaving when something really important is going on in work. He just assumes she will collect the child, so even when she texts him he's like "sorry have a meeting" and thats it. She has meetings too, but he justs land the responsibility right back on her.

Some evenings he'll text and be like "Going for a drink home later" which she doesn't mind too much, apart from the fact that she has only been out twice since the birth and both times had to organise it weeks in advance. If she asks him to do something he feels it ok to just say no- she can't just say no as no one else is going to mind her baby for her! He also says he wants more kids but she wants to qualify and have a good equal parenting partnership before this. He doesn't care about her job, he said to her of it gets too much she can just quit but she loves her job- he has never offered to quit his.

It all came to a head when the baby was sick and had to stay away from the creche. She had a really important week and he told her to stop stressing, she'd work it out. He went to work as usual and she ended up giving the baby to her sister who took a week off to mind it! What makes my blood boil is that afterwards he was like "I told you it would work out ok"!!!!!!!

She loves him but she is really unhappy and can't believe he is so selfish. All I could offer was make a plan, divy up responsibilities etc but she tried that, he just let her down. Any mothers in the same situation please let m know how you handled it. I really want to help her, but I don't have a solution to this.

Why isn't she a single mother? It would probably be easier than having to take care of two children :rolleyes: At least then she'd know she wouldn't have to try relying on him and be let down repeatedly.
She needs to sit him down and have a talk or two basically underlining this behaviour isn't on and that if he keeps it up there's the door.

SarahSassy

She is making a rod to beat her own back with. Organise a weekend away with her and tell her to drop the baby on him and run - give him a taste of his own medicine.

LegacyUser

I have told her that - at least she'll have no worried that she couldn't cope on her own since she already knows how!! But seriously, she loves him. He is a very funny, clever and nice guy. She doesnt want to leave him at all. I think it has only become clear how selfish or inconsiderate he is now. She will probably live like this forever if he doesn't change. It annoys me so much - even though he says he loves her and acts loving and they get on most of tis time, this to me seems like he doesnt respect her at all, and that in his life he is number one, not her or the baby

SarahSassy

worriedfriend wrote: »

his life he is number one, not her or the baby

This is the reality to him and she is facilitating him by being so passive and subservient.... He is basically taking advantage of her meekness.

At the end of the day its not your place to be intruding into a family situation. You can give her you opinion once but dont be causing regular rows between them.

LegacyUser

She is not being passive as such - I know it seems like that but she can't just be stubborn because then no one will show up for the child. And I know this for a fact because a number of times he agreed, after her practically forcing him to, to collect the baby he a) text her to say he was too busy then turned off his phone so she had no choice to go or b) "forgot" and she had to run out after the creche called her.
She is not a pushover, but if someone will not do their share when you have a child you have no choice but to do it! She can't say sorry im not available either and leave the baby at home alone (even though that might make him take notice!).
And I am not intruding or causing arguments- she comes to me for advice and I have none. I suppose I know there is no magic solution to fix this, but I wish I could even give her one good piece of advice that she hasnt tried.
And again,she will not leave him, and would never suggest this because it's not my place to anyway. I want to help her so I do the good friend thing and listen to her woes, but it doesn't really help, the problems are still there

metrovelvet

Neither of you can control what he does.

Probably the only thing you can do, is take the baby for a few hours here and there to give her a break.

He hasn't accepted that his life has changed.

Dublin141

I see her only choices are to either leave, stay and suck it up or else show him that actually, his life has changed too, he now has responsibilities that he needs to step up to.

If she really loves him she's not going to leave. But if she isn't prepared to do it all happily then she will become really bitter about it if he doesn't start chipping in. Leaving your child at the creche so that the creche has to ring someone else to pick them up doesn't exactly sound like parental behaviour. She needs to confront him properly about it, make it clear to him that she needs his help, it's his child too. She has to be very upfront about it, and she has to figure out what she's going to do if he refuses to help out. Hoping he'll change is never going to work.

Is there any chance that he's being awkward so that she'll stay home and give up work - sounds strange but I've heard of it happening.

SarahSassy

Well she needs to give him a taste of him own medicine and he if doesnt cop on after the first time then do it again. Get up some Sat monring and hand him the baby and tell him she is off out for the day and not sure what time she will be back... He will eventually get the message.

metrovelvet

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well she needs to give him a taste of him own medicine and he if doesnt cop on after the first time then do it again. Get up some Sat monring and hand him the baby and tell him she is off out for the day and not sure what time she will be back... He will eventually get the message.

Yep. This is how she is NOT a single mother. There is actually someone there to hand the baby to.

b3t4

This could back fire.

My partner's mother tells of the day she left her husband (their father) in charge of the children for a few hours while she went out to have her hair done.

A storm had brewed while she was out and she got a right ear full when she got home.

Needless to say they're divorced many years now.

Make it clear to your friend that she is destroying her career prospects, and her relationship, allowing his behaviour to continue. Sure it's all dandy now but it won't be in a few years. Divorce will start sounding like a really good idea in a few years. She can stick her head in the sand all she wants but the elephant is still in the room.

I believe what they need is a blazing row about this where she demands he grows the fu<k up. Maybe then he'll take her seriously, as right now, he's taking the piss.

metrovelvet

^ Oh yeah. If she does just leave the baby with him, she will most certainly get an earful.

But hey.. it has to be done.

Whatever she decides to do or not do, this is already building a huge faultline in the relationship.

Nevyn

I had to do the same and the messes I came home to were often not worth leaving the house to come back to, it was heart breaking, I was working 50 hours a week, doing all the house work and was always on point when it came to minding the children and if he dropped a spoon I would find it for me to pick up.

It caused post natal depression and loss of all love and respect for him as a person.
I was miserable and he had to be forced to learn to look after his own children and it's
only now that that they are 11 and 9 that I know they will be ok if I am gone for the day
but I still come home to a messy house

It seem that he think that she is the mother and it is all her responsibility and that attitude needs to change other wise she is better off being a single parent she won't be as stressed or as resentful.

SarahSassy

Her parting line while swanning out the door should be 'you make them, you mind them!'.

If he wont clean up then get a cleaner - hit him where it hurts - in his pocket.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

I had to do the same and the messes I came home to were often not worth leaving the house to come back to, it was heart breaking, I was working 50 hours a week, doing all the house work and was always on point when it came to minding the children and if he dropped a spoon I would find it for me to pick up.

It caused post natal depression and loss of all love and respect for him as a person.
I was miserable and he had to be forced to learn to look after his own children and it's
only now that that they are 11 and 9 that I know they will be ok if I am gone for the day
but I still come home to a messy house

It seem that he think that she is the mother and it is all her responsibility and that attitude needs to change other wise she is better off being a single parent she won't be as stressed or as resentful.

Jesus christ how did that not lead to murder?

I would have dumped in in the spare room. Taken all the mess, the dirty plates, everything, including the nappies and dumped it all in the room I dumped him in.

If she doesnt nip this in the bud, just wait till she has a two year old tearing around the house destryoying the place.

aidan24326

worriedfriend wrote: »

He also says he wants more kids but she wants to qualify and have a good equal parenting partnership before this. He doesn't care about her job, he said to her of it gets too much she can just quit but she loves her job- he has never offered to quit his.

He's selfish, simple as that. And that's not something that's going to change easily, if at all. It also sounds like he wants her to just stay home and be a mother and housewife, which she clearly doesn't want to do. Didn't they discuss this sort of stuff before they decided to go having babies in the first place? I think your friend needs to take a hard line on this right now, and insist that there will most certainly be no more babies until she sees that he's capable of actually doing a bit more than just creating one. Personally if I was being treated like this, I wouldn't care how funny or clever the person was, outright selfishness undoes any good that can come from that.

wexford202

OP

Firstly are you thinkingmore on this than your friend is.
Are you looking at her thinking that she is not at all happy when in actual fact she is. It can be sometimes hard to imagine how a relationship could be happy when in actual fact it is blissful for the two involved.

Also your friend like many friends may be blowing this all out of portportion and just letting off steam saying these things to you.

I would be careful and not say anything as it is not your problem to work their own lives out. They will eventually find a way of being happy and if not they will split.

You won't get any thanks for interferring in this even though you are just being a friend.

Listen to her bitch and moan whenever she wants.

Offer to babysit every so often so she can have a nigh tout with her fella.

She might say no it's ok as she may well be happier at home.

SarahSassy

wexford202 wrote: »

Listen to her bitch and moan whenever she wants.

I dont agree with this. Why should her friend listen to her go on and on when she wont do anything to change her position.

wexford202

I am sure moaning isn't all that the girl does bu at the same time I have often winged about thins to my friends. As soon as the next day arrives I would have forgotten what I was cribbing about int he first place.

The reality of it is and although harsh. If he was to give up his job and be a stay at home dad. Let her follow her career dreams. She gets pregnant again and takes maternity leave. What income do they did have.

It wouldn't make any sense that he would give up his job so therefore why would he offer to.

The girl needs to put the foot down about collecting the child every dayfrom creche yes he should be able to do that. Also maybe ay she needs a night out very week. Yes he should mind the child and give her a break.

All in all don't blow things out of porportion altogether. She obviously loves him and all he needs to do to make things so much better is not be as lazy when it comes to the child. That's it.

There is no point in making a mountain out of a molehill.

If you are fed up of the girl giving out just tell her that she is constantly moaning and maybe she needs to look at the whole picture herself and see what she can do to make it better.

username123

He is selfish and he knows there are no consequences to his behaviours because she wil always step in and take responsibility. She is an enabler and wants to avoid a crisis.

If she wants him to change she needs to change herself, give him consequences to his behaviour, hire a cleaner, hire a babysitter if she wants a night out, stop trying to force him to be a parent and get on with things in a responsible manner without being resentful.

Alternatively she could begin to act like him and just disappear and switch off the phone etc...but I doubt she would be capable of doing this if she has let things get this far.

herya

And what is his relationship with the baby? Does he behave like a father at all, spend time with the baby, play with him/her? If he find it so easy to drop the baby on others maybe they won't develop proper ties which would be a bigger problem for me than just time management.

If she can get him involved with the baby (as a person) more maybe he'll find it more natural to share baby related duties?

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. Thanks for the replies. I actually just got a call from her. We were supposed to go shopping at the weekend and go to the cinema (matinee of course!) and he was told well in advance and said it was a great idea to spend time with her friends. He texted her today and say "by the way I'm going to london for the weekend". Apparently the lads in work (all childless mind) decided a last minute lads weekend was a good idea and he booked himself in. She rang him and went mad and he couldnt see the problem. He was like you can ask my mam to mind baby, or bring the baby with you. He has no idea that for her to go out for a day is so important and that it was organised on the agreement he would be there.

A few weeks ago on a Saturday he said he had to go to the office, which he sometimes does, and doa few hours work. AFterwards he came home and had been drinking and said he went for a drink fterwards with the crew. Not a problem, she doesn't mind. BUT, she also told me (only today) that she met one of his friends girlfriends who was like "oh you should have come on Saturday"- turned out he met his friends and spent Saturday in a pub watching a match or something and not in work. She would not have given out except that he lied. In fact she would have loved to get one of their parents to mind the baby and go too. She said it especially hurts that he didn't wnat her to go.

She seems to think he may be doing these things on purpose now even though after she gave out he said he actually forgot about saturday. I think one of the posters here may be right- he wants he to stay at home, but staying at home from work and staying at home even at the weekends are two different things I think.
I think you lot are right, I need to to suport her but at all costs avoid driving a wedge between them. I think his behaviour speaks for itself and in time she will be able to give him an ultimatum or make a choice.

metrovelvet

worriedfriend wrote: »

Hi all, OP here. Thanks for the replies. I actually just got a call from her. We were supposed to go shopping at the weekend and go to the cinema (matinee of course!) and he was told well in advance and said it was a great idea to spend time with her friends. He texted her today and say "by the way I'm going to london for the weekend". Apparently the lads in work (all childless mind) decided a last minute lads weekend was a good idea and he booked himself in. She rang him and went mad and he couldnt see the problem. He was like you can ask my mam to mind baby, or bring the baby with you. He has no idea that for her to go out for a day is so important and that it was organised on the agreement he would be there.

A few weeks ago on a Saturday he said he had to go to the office, which he sometimes does, and doa few hours work. AFterwards he came home and had been drinking and said he went for a drink fterwards with the crew. Not a problem, she doesn't mind. BUT, she also told me (only today) that she met one of his friends girlfriends who was like "oh you should have come on Saturday"- turned out he met his friends and spent Saturday in a pub watching a match or something and not in work. She would not have given out except that he lied. In fact she would have loved to get one of their parents to mind the baby and go too. She said it especially hurts that he didn't wnat her to go.

She seems to think he may be doing these things on purpose now even though after she gave out he said he actually forgot about saturday. I think one of the posters here may be right- he wants he to stay at home, but staying at home from work and staying at home even at the weekends are two different things I think.
I think you lot are right, I need to to suport her but at all costs avoid driving a wedge between them. I think his behaviour speaks for itself and in time she will be able to give him an ultimatum or make a choice.

He is running away, from her, from the baby, from his life.

The baby will not bond with him deeply if he keeps it up like this. The deep bonding happens in the first few months.

I disagree that he wants her to stay at home. I dont think he gives a toss what she does, as long has he doesn't have any baby responsibilities.

This is peter pan flying away, back to never never land.

username123

It sounds like he is not interested in fatherhood, or in his relationship.

I dont want to sound hurtful but could your friend be deluded about the state of her relationship with this guy because it sounds like he just does whatever he wants, when he wants and doesnt care about his new baby or girlfriend.

Not sharing parental responsibilities, switching off his phone and being uncontactable, lying about what he is doing, going off drinking at the drop of a hat, lads weekends with no regard for his responsibilities as either a father or a partner, a total disregard for any plans she might make.......Im wondering what exactly she sees in the relationship that would make it worth hanging onto?

reesa

What was his reaction when he first found out she was pregnant? Was he happy at the prospect of having a baby with his girlfriend or no? Was he committed to her strongly before she had the baby? Was there a particular reason why they decided not to marry? What age is he? What age is she?
Are there other family members living close by? Are they aware of the situation and what do they think?

He just doesn't seem to all that keen on the whole settling down and bringing up kids. He acts as if he's still 22 and one of the lads and getting away with it as he knows she will always be the one left holding the baby.
I get the strong feeling he regards his girlfriend as bit of a "ball and chain" (to put it bluntly).

Couples therapy is strongly on the cards here as he fundamentally doesn't see how the relationship has changed now that he is a father. I hope he grows up soon.

banshee_bones

username123 wrote: »

It sounds like he is not interested in fatherhood, or in his relationship.

I dont want to sound hurtful but could your friend be deluded about the state of her relationship with this guy because it sounds like he just does whatever he wants, when he wants and doesnt care about his new baby or girlfriend.

Not sharing parental responsibilities, switching off his phone and being uncontactable, lying about what he is doing, going off drinking at the drop of a hat, lads weekends with no regard for his responsibilities as either a father or a partner, a total disregard for any plans she might make.......Im wondering what exactly she sees in the relationship that would make it worth hanging onto?

spot on, you said everything I was going to say. Lying to his partner that us just so not on. That is so selfish, everything he is doing reeks of selfishness and not wanting to ever be left alone with the baby. At this stage even if she did just walk out and leve him with the baby it would be a mess because I doubt teh baby would respond to him given the lack of contact so I imagien she would just come home to an angry father and a stressed out baby.

Your friend needs to talk to him and tell him to shape up or ship out. Simple as.

metrovelvet

While he is away in London, she should gather anyone she can to mind the baby while she gets some headspace, because it's impossible to think straight when you have a new baby on your own and no space to get perspective or gather herself.

She might consider staying with family or changing the locks - it might give him a wake up call.

I unfortunately suspect that he will not go for couples counselling as to do that you would have to admit there is something wrong, which he wont do because he doesnt want to change the status quo.

SarahSassy

He is acting like he has no responsibilities and why woudlnt he - she lets him... There is little you can do but he is no man - he is a selfish, self absorbed, bullying git.

Nevyn

If the house is jointly own changing the lock is an illegal act and we can no condone illegal acts on this site.

kelle

Ooh, my blood is boiling at this thread! I saw my aunt being treated the same for years by her husband, only difference was she didn't work so she didn't have as much hardship as OP's friend. He came home for his dinner at 7, then go off to the pub for the night - every evening. When she went into hospital to have babies, her sisters (one of them my mother) would take it in turn to make him dinner and stay with the kids while he to the pub (while our daddies minded us!) - that's how useless he was, he couldn't even mind the kids in a crisis or cook for himself never mind feed the kids. She never went anywhere without her kids until the oldest girl was old enough to mind the others. But she loved him and didn't think there was anything wrong with the situation. Allowing it to go on just made him more useless.

I would love OP's friend to go somewhere for the weekend, pay somebody (using his money preferably) to stay in the house and mind the child while he's there. Either it will embarass him, or he'll most likely just bugger off elsewhere.

There's nothing OP can do while her friend doesn't do anything to rectify the situation.

AMK

Been there.

My husband (we're separated) used to behave in a similar manner. Over the years of our marriage, most of the childcare and housework fell to me. We have the same type of job, work the same hours, earn in or about the same money and have similar responsibilities workwise. He thought nothing of not bothering to come home at all many evenings. He wouldn't even ring a lot of the time. I began to feel like I was a single parent again (I had been one before we married). In fact, as I lived with my parents when my eldest son was young, I realised after a while that I had to work an awful lot harder as a married mother than I had as a single one.

Your friend has a serious problem. Her partner is establishing her role clearly by opting out of the things he sees as the job of the mother. Her choices are limited. She is now a mother and has to put her child first. She cannot use her child as a weapon in this, so the option of marching out and leaving him to it isn't really open to her. She could try having a proper discussion with him about their respective roles, but he doesn't sound very amenable to that as he refuses to take seriously the responsibilities she is shouldering. She could leave him and get on with being a single mother. Or she can accept the situation and work things out for her and the baby as best she can - this gets easier as the child gets older. The trouble with that is accepting it fully. It's basically unbalanced and unfair to be in this position and she would find it very difficult to keep resentment at bay.

You will notice I haven't suggested she chuck in her job. I think it would be very unwise to be financially dependent on a guy like this. Personally, I think she's on a loser here. He is making it practically impossible for her to secure her professional qualification. If I were her, I'd be asking myself why. Is this what she wants? Can she deal with 18 years of this? Because he's not going to change.

Also, he has a social life that she is excluded from because they now have a baby. That is not a good path for any couple to go down. It'd be different if they had a social life together and he went out with his own friends on occasion too. If she doesn't resent that already, it won't be long before she does. Separate social lives don't bode well on the fidelity stakes either.

There isn't much you can do to help her. She has to reach her own conclusions about her relationship and act accordingly. I'm glad she has a friend like you there, though, because she could get very lonely in herself from this. Stick with her. She's going to need you.