Need a bit of advice shutting an ex out

TheCommy

OK it should be fairly easy because he dumped me almost 2 years ago and he's now living in America for the next year or so but he has never let me move on. He always comes back with exactly what i always wanted to hear/or some story/ or some emotional game.

It's like he gets an alarm to tell him i'm doing good and his latest effort was emails from America (btw I'd asked him not to contact me while he was away) telling me i'm the only thing he misses from home bla bla bla, of course as soon as i let him in he transformed back in to his normal self, started giving me the cold shoulder and now I am the one whose upset! He'd say anything to get me back on side, last year he even led me to believe he'd almost died in a car crash - only afterwards i discovered it was really minor.

Anyway, I know I need to move on and get away from all these head games and last night he was being a little obnoxious so i sent him a mail explaining that he was messing me about and of course - he didn't, or won't reply.

Anyways, i wanna be strong enough to blank him, i feel really determined but he always gets around me by convincing me i'm mad, then i feel like i have to talk to him to convince him i'm not.

Any advice of what i can say....thing is, i do care about him so it's not as easy as it seems, i just wanna arm myself to move on from this crap sitaution and stop getting pulled back in....help

shellyboo

Block his email address, block his number from texting you, stop answering his calls. If you want to get him out of your head, stop letting him into your head.

LegacyUser

thecommy, ive been in exactly the same boat as you for the last year..........everytime i get strong he does something to pull me back in. I have blocked his emails etc but he is friends with friends of mine. He is exactly like your ex he makes me question myself that im crazy so like you i feel i have to talk to him to verify im not crazy, although sometimes i really do wonder!!! You are not alone in this!

Wibbs

Some people won't take the hint. The problem is you have to be strong too. Doubly so. You can't ever respond to him. Otherwise it just continues the cycle.

I've had this with exes before. Funny enough only the ones that dumped me and usually for someone else. Go figure. In my cases anyway I suspect that they weren't happy in some fundamental way with the new guy, or not happy enough so had to keep me in play. Of course I kept responding and it kept happening. In the end in my examples I felt bad for their new guy funny enough and I put myself in their shoes knowing I wouldn't be the happiest camper in the tent if I found out my GF had that much space in her head and heart for an ex. Especially at that lovey dovey stage in a relationship where people ideally just have eyes for each other. Those poor buggers lost out on that. I saw them in the cold light of day and realised how selfish they were being and that was what finally made me go no, game over. That particular ones not applicable to you though. Then again the selfishness in him sounds very similar. I have to say I also saw myself in the cold light of day and realised I had just got into a habit of responding.

In your case it sounds like he's not that happy in his new life, or not enough to leave you alone and/or likes the ego buzz from it. Of course it's also not enough that he wants to go back to you either. Maybe even hopes for ex sex or emotional punchbag.

The trick I think is to look and see why he's doing it, knowing how it affects you. He's being emotionally selfish. I can't see any other way of looking at it TBH. See it and him for what it is and don't reply or contact him. It'll be hard at first as it's easy to get into that habit, but it gets easier remarkably quickly. Take back your control basically.

modest_marie

Blocking his emails, changing your phone number so he doesn't know it.

Trust me this will work.
I was in a similar situation a year ago, and I explained to my ex that he had to let me go. I asked him to leave me alone to go and be happy. He respected me, and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I haven't heard from him or known anything about him in 5/6 months

You have to be strong. Wibbs is right, he is being emotionally selfish. If he cares that much for you, he will let you go.

Although you care for him, it wasn't working between you two, so you have to let him go too. It will be hard, but it will be the best for both in the long run.

Colonel_McCoy

I am with shellyboo. block everything

miec

he has never let me move on

The minute I saw that line I thought to myself, this poster also does not want to move on. I don't mean that as a criticism, but just a behaviour I used to do myself. I always wanted to be convinced by said ex-partner that I was loved and wanted by them, in actual fact I was just an ego booster for them.

The only way to deal with this situation is to become a wall, I use that analogy because walls are solid and silent, you have to become solid and silent. Like others suggested block off all contact where possible.

Look at him in the cold light of day as suggested by Wibbs, but be aware that you may still have feelings of desire/ love for him despite acting like a wall. Be aware of those feelings, know and acknowledge them if they arise but still be a wall.

Personally I believe you are wasting your time asking your ex to leave you alone, he gets too much out of it for him to leave you alone, what you need to do is never, ever respond. I remember one person I found hard to let go I had to do the above, and I remember bumping into him and still feeling huge desire but I just said hello and kept on walking, I refused to engage in conversation. So if your ex tries to talk at you, say nothing, walk on no matter how tempted you feel to respond to him, you are dealing with someone who enjoys hurting you, he has no interest in protecting you, you have to protect yourself. Also look at ways of boosting your self esteem and self belief and examine why you allow yourself to be treated in this manner. In time all this guff will fade away, I promise because those people I was attached to at one time became very insignificant in a reasonably short time and its great to be able to move on, you deserve that.

Wibbs

Spot on post this one.

miec wrote: »

The minute I saw that line I thought to myself, this poster also does not want to move on. I don't mean that as a criticism, but just a behaviour I used to do myself. I always wanted to be convinced by said ex-partner that I was loved and wanted by them, in actual fact I was just an ego booster for them.

Dead right. I was the same in the examples I gave. I loved them and couldn't process the fact they had chosen to leave. Indeed to cop of with others in the process. I didn't want to move on because at the time it made no sense to me.