Confused..I don't know how to feel

LegacyUser

I’ve been feeling a bit lost lately, I’ve spent the past 6 years trying to get where I am and now that I’m here I’m just feeling confused. I’m hoping that maybe by writing all of this down someone might have some advice for me, or at least I might work it out in my own head. You see, I've never needed anyone, alot of my life has been about me being on my own - and I've been fine with that, I've done fine on my own. I don't love my parents, and I'm not ashamed to say it, I don't think I ever did and I never will. They hurt me so much and I hated them for a long time. But my Aunty has always looked out for me and I love her with all my heart; the thing is though that she doesn't have to love me, she's not obliged to, you know? As much as she feels like a mother to me the reality is that she's not, which makes everything she's done for me all the more amazing.

I've been independent since I was a child, I don't 'need' anyone and I never have. I don't talk to people about my past because they assume I'm needy or somehow damaged, I hate anyone thinking that, it's just my past and I can't change it. I'm not closed off and I don't shut people out, but the thing is that sometimes telling people too much can leave you vulnerable, the more you tell the closer you feel to that person and the more risk there is of getting hurt. I have close friends who I've never talked about any of this to, and it's not because I love them any less - if anything it's because I love them more. Sometimes when people know things about you it changes their perception of you, and I don't want that. I know that some people would find it hard to understand that I've no love for my parents, that I don't care about them at all, and that it's not a emotional reaction - that it's just the way it is. Someone once called me cold hearted because of it, and assumed that I was incapable of loving anyone, that's not true. It's just that if someone doesn't give you a reason to love them then why should you? Just as if they give you a reason to hate them then you can't help but do just that very thing.

My mother has drank since I was a baby, from when I was 5 I'd go and collect her drink from the local pub and her cigarettes from the shop. I used to get bullied because of it and I hated doing it because there was a group of older guys who used to chase after me on the way home calling me and my mother names. They used to surround me in a circle at the bottom of the lane and I'd be stuck in the middle and they wouldn't let me out. Those same guys were with me all of my life, they always had a name to throw at me when I walked down the street. I remember when my Aunty bought me a new bike for my birthday, she'd saved up for it all year and I was so excited, I loved it and it meant I could cycle over to see her whenever I wanted. But one day when I left it outside the shop they stole it, and I found it a week later mangled up lying in the football pitch. My father was useless, he was abusive and he drank a fair bit himself, he used to scare me to death telling me that the world was going to end in 2000. I know that's laughable now, but when you're a kid you tend to believe what your parents tell you. He'd make me say the rosary on my knees in the kitchen some nights and if I didn't want to he'd go mental.

They never gave me money, my Aunty used to give me money every week to buy my own food and stuff because they just didn't do it. I used to be scared asking for money for school books or anything because my father would just go mad. It was horrible. I used to do Irish dancing and I won loads of trophies, my teacher told me ‘you have to win the bigger ones twice before you can keep them; you only keep them for 3 mths otherwise’. So I decided I'd win the next time, but then my father went mad that my aunty was giving me the money for the lessons and I had to stop, I remember crying the day I brought the trophies back to the teacher. She gave me a fiver though and I thought she was the coolest teacher ever

My mother was in and out of hospital, social workers came and went but no one did anything. When I was 7 my Granda died, him and my Granny lived with my Aunty as she looked after them all of her life. On the same day my mother had sent me down to get drink for her, but my father found out and came down the road in the car and dragged me in. My mother was in the front seat and I was sitting on her knee and he just started hitting me; my neighbour started banging on the window for him to let me out but he wouldn't. Then he started driving and said he was taking me to the police and that I'd go to jail for getting the drink, I was terrified so I opened the door of the car and tried to jump out, while it was moving. It's only now I think that I could have been killed, but I was just so scared. Eventually after driving a while he turned around and drove me to my Auntie’s house, I got out and the wake was on so I went and sat in the shed. They didn't realise I was there until a while later when they came out and saw me, my aunty gave me the biggest hug ever and told me it'd be ok; and I knew it would, 'cause I loved her. I stayed with her for the next few days, until my mother called to tell me my father was sorry and they wanted me to come home, my aunty said it was my choice, but I didn't want to cause trouble - so I went home.


Then she got pregnant with my sister and soon after my brother. The first time she was back in hospital when my bro and sis were babies I skipped school to look after them, because I didn't trust my father with them, but eventually social found out and came around to the house and told me I had to go back. I was 10. I used to stay with my aunty for most of the week, it was 2 miles away but I'd walk my brother and sister over even at Christmas in the snow, because things were so different at her house. She'd cook for me and we'd play games and I loved it there. But at the same time she couldn't overstep the mark, otherwise my father would lose the plot, he was a proud man.

My cousin and I grew up together as she lived with my aunty too, and when she moved to Dublin me and my aunty would go to see her in the summer holidays. I used to love coming here, that's why I always wanted to move here, I was always happy in Dublin. But one time I came when I was about 12, and my mother was drinking again at the time. I wasn't sure about leaving my brother and sister at home, but I thought it would be ok, it was only a week. But I got a phone call when I was there from my father, he told me that my mother was in hospital again from drinking and that it was all my fault because I'd left them all on their own, he told me that he'd tore down all of my posters off my wall in my bedroom and that I needed to stop being such a child. But you know what, I was a child, he just never let me be one. I cried so hard that day, I was so scared to go home and I told my Aunty I wanted to live with her or else stay in Dublin and live with my cousin. So then the social workers started, but they said that if I wanted to live with my Aunty it would be very difficult to achieve and that I'd have to go through court knowing that it was unlikely the judge would rule over a parent. If it went wrong there was a chance my father would never let me see my aunty again, so I had to go home. When I got home my mother was back home top and my father flipped out, he went over to my Auntie’s in the middle of the night and started banging on all the windows, he really scared her and I hate him for it, all she ever did was love me. He drove us all to his mother’s house which is in the middle of nowhere, hours away, and sent me to the Irish speaking school there - when I hadn't a word of it. He told me we were going to live there and that I'd never see my aunty again. I used to get the phone when I could and call her, but there was nothing she could do. He battered my mother in that house, I remember him finding drink she'd sneaked in and going into the room with a belt and locking the door, I sat at the door screaming at him to stop but he wouldn't. My Granny used to try to make me be quiet as she knew he'd come after me too.

Eventually, after about 2 months, he wised up and brought us home. The first thing I did was go straight to my Auntie’s, I'll never forget that day, my other aunty Mary was there and I just ran in and they gave me the biggest hug ever and said they'd never ever let anything like that happen to me again. I went home that night and I decided then that that was it, he wasn't going to control my life any more and I was on my own.

Every few months in the years that followed she'd start drinking again, he'd lose his temper, and the same things would just happen over and over again. But I just focused on looking after my brother and sister and ignoring the situation as best I could. I remember being outside chatting to friends one evening when I saw my neighbour at our door, I ran in and my mother was lying having some kind of fit on the floor, she'd drank too much and was on meds that caused that reaction. The doctor and the ambulance came and I was just curled up in a ball at the door, they wanted to take me away to stay with someone and said we'd all have to stay with different people but I told them that wasn't going to happen there was no way they were taking my brother and sister away from me. I screamed the house down until they agreed to let me stay with my aunty and my other aunty helped to looked after my brother and sister too.

Things weren't so bad after that time, my mother stayed in the hosp and I went home after a week, my father would work around my school times and I'd make sure I was there when he wasn't to mind the kids. We didn't have a relationship but we had an unspoken agreement at that stage, it was the only way we got by. She came out of hosp and didn't drink for a while..but you know the way alcoholics are, a while is never too long.

Over the years she got a bit better though, only relapsing 3 or 4 times a year, but she became addicted to her meds and used to even steal tablets from my Granny. She'd lie in bed all day and she didn't go to my brother or sisters communions, only for a bit of the Mass and she'd leave early. It was embarrassing for them and my heart went out to them but I did the best I could to make sure they still had a good day. She didn't go to their confirmations either, and I felt bad for my father to be honest, my whole family was there except my mother and he's a reserved man so he had no one to talk to really. They make an effort with him but I could see how much it killed him that she wasn't there, it's the pride thing, he's a proud man. I hate him for what he did, but I feel more for him than I ever will for her, he did what he thought was right, he reacted to a situation - and yes he did wrong but he's a sad and lonely man now because of it. We talk now if I'm home and I go over to see my brother and sister, and he'll show me a new camera he bought or a machine he's fixed up, I know he just wants someone to talk to, and I try so hard to be that person for him - but it's hard when the memories are still there. They've slept apart for years, and he has no-one but himself for company. I guess it's hard to pinpoint when the roles changed with us, but I think it was the time when I was doing my leaving cert when I was 17. She was drinking again and he lost his temper and was hitting her, so I turned up the music upstairs and told me bro and sis we were going to have a dancing game. They didn't stop though, he even hit my sister and brother and he stormed out leaving her hysterical. That was it for me then, I had an exam the next day and I was just sick of it all, he didn't give a ****. I called a taxi and took my brother and sister over to my Auntie’s house an I went out to my boyf at the times house in town as I'd have no way in to school from my Auntie’s. I came back the next day and told him he was never ever to hit those children again or I'd call social services, I told her that she needed to cop on and be a mother or I'd do that same, and that I was moving out but that I'd always be there to take my brother and sister away if I needed to.

After that, she stopped drinking, well not as much anyway and he copped on a fair bit. I think they realised they'd lost me and that the same could happen with my bro and sis if they weren't careful. She still relapses the odd time and things happen where I have to go home and sort it out, but the last time was 2 years ago so I'm hoping maybe it was the last. They're still not good parents, my brother broke his leg playing football 3 months ago and my sister had to carry him to the house as my father wouldn't drive down to get him. My Aunty then took him for his x rays etc. My mother however convinced him that he would hurt his leg my walking on it so he ended up unable to walk for weeks after he got the cast off and had to get therapy as he had a fear of putting weight on the leg. God sure she even dragged him to A and E one night because she was convinced it was swollen, and when my sister called her a psycho she stopped talking to her and buying her food for 2 weeks. That was the night before I started in the Mirror that she dragged him to hosp and I was up all night and my sister rang me in bits saying they'd left in a taxi and she had no way of contacting my bro to make sure he was ok. She was even putting holy water on his leg, seriously, the women is off her head.

So many things have happened through the years, but I'm ok, and I love my aunty very much. When I go home I see her house as my home now and she's left it to me as well so it really does feel like it's my home, you know? I try not to be affected by what happens with my parents now, I stopped letting them hurt me a long time ago, so although my experiences have made me who I am I don't let them affect me for the worse, well I try not to. I'm glad that I'm independent and that I've got this far on my own. I took a year out after school to save for college, then when I ran out of money in college I took 2 years out to save to do my final year, and now I've finally done it and I'm so, so relieved, you have no idea how relieved I am. This is all I ever wanted, just to know that I could do it on my own. And I'm not completely on my own, I have my Aunty and I'd never have got through the last 2 months of college without her. My hours were cut at work and I ran out of money so she covered my rent for 3 months - even though she's on a pension. She knew I wouldn't take the money off her at first so she waited til I'd done everything I could - applied for overdrafts,loans etc. and been refused, and then she just told me I had to take it or it's be a waste of 5 years of struggling to get this far. So I did, and I'm going to pay her back, someday I am.

I don't know if any of this has made any sense, or why I’m even posting but I just feel like I need to sort all of this out in my head. I've never ever gone into this in as much detail before, and there's still alot that I haven't said – but you can’t sum up a lifetime of hurt in a few lines on a page. I just don’t know where I go from here now, I’ve got the job I wanted, I’ve got my degree and although I’ve a fair bit of debt to my name I’ve still managed to get where I wanted to be. It’s just that now I’m here I don’t know how to feel, I feel kind of lost, I should be happy and I am kind of but although I’m not depressed I can’t say I’m content either. I’d love to have done a masters but it just wasn’t feasible with the situation I’m in money wise, I need to work for at least the next 2 years to get debt free. I’ve wondered if maybe I should talk to someone about my past, if maybe I need to do that to move on – but I just don’t know. I’m just really confused to be honest.

I hope this isn’t too long to post guys. I ‘d really appreciate any input at all, anything that might help me to figure out how I am or should be feeling right now. Thanks.x

Maguined

Wow that was an incredible story. You should feel extremely proud of yourself, you are made of sterner stuff than most people I would imagine.

I think you are feeling lost and confused just because you have achieved your goal, all your life when you have been subjected to the cruelty of your parents you have probably said to yourself a million times over how you just want to be free of them, that has been your ambition and goal your entire life so now that you have finished your degree and have a job you realised you have achieved your goal.

This means you feel you are without a purpose currently, you no longer have that dream to look forward to always at the back of your mind. The only thing you can do is take your time and try to relax and enjoy yourself a little more now, you have probably been working your ass off in college to get your degree so just focus on your job to clear your debt and enjoy your free time. I would not worry about going out of your way to talk to others about your past as there no guarantee that will make you feel better, it will take time now that it is definitively your past since you graduated and no longer a part of your present so see how you feel about it in the future. If you meet someone that you feel like opening up to about it then sure go for it but don't just for the sake of it.

The important thing is just to do what you want to do now, figure out what you want to spend your free time doing and let things happen naturally instead of trying to force yourself to feel a certain way.

Good luck with whatever you get up to confused09 and above all feel proud of yourself and try to look forward with optimism instead of worrying about your past. You decide who you are not anyone else.