Can't Forget what i Saw

LegacyUser

I had been seeing a girl for a few months, nothing serious or anything just meeting up every now and agin and having fun.
The thing was she said she didn't want a relationship at the moment cos she had been recently really hurt by her last one.
Anyway she was moving away, not to the other end of the world or anything but it would have made things difficult at the start of a relationship,
So long story short we decided just to be friends, thing is on her last night in town a few days ago, we both go fairly drunk, she started saying that she really liked me and wanted to be with me, i really feel alot for her also and am more then willing to give things a try, but here is where it gets difficult,
She has always said she wasn't over her ex yet...the other night back in her place i was asleep in her bed and she had gone downstairs to do something, i woke and saw her phone lying next to me, Iknow i shouldn't have and im ashamed of doing it but i was fairly drunk so i looked at her txt messages,
I regretted it straight away, there were a good cpl of messages from her to the ex saying stuff like "come and collect me and ill let you....." well ill let you use your imagination.
It made me sick to my stomach, i know ive no right to be annoyed with her over this, we weren't in a relationship, and had actually agreed to be friends.
So i bit my tounge and didn't mention it(couldn't have anyway without displaying my underhandedness of looking at her phone. We were hanging out the next day and while she was texting ppl at times i just couldn't help thinkin about this, and wondering was she doing something similar.

Well that would be ok, but when she left a few days ago i met her best friend (who is like a sister to her) for the first time as he was helping her pack her stuff, after she left i got a text saying she was gonna miss me, and not to be sad that she would be back, and she just needed to sort her head, also said that her friend said that i was perfect for her but that she wasn't gonna be here anymore.

I don't know what to do, i miss her already and its been less then a week, i know there could be something really amazing there, but at the same time i don't know if i'll be able to get the texts out of my head, they were fairly graphic, i mean nothing weird just i dunno!!
Im not sure if the thing with the ex is just booty calls or if she is gonna get back together with him, ive told her that its probably a good thing that she has to go away, that she needs her space to sort herself out and we'll just have to see what happens, but i don't know im still holding out hope, the last nite with her was really special to me and i would love to be with her,

Any advice??? :-(

Wurly

Yeah.

My advice is tell her how you feel.

Then give her space.

Never look at her texts again. Curiosity killed the cat and even if you find the information you're looking for, you can't use it.

Good luck.

kittenkiller

I think you need to step back from the situation and look at it for what it is.

It sucks, but you two are still only friends.
She may have feelings for you but not feel ready to jump into another relationship, while at the same time be missing physical intimacy with some she's comfortable with.
She has also admitted that her head is messed up over her ex.
So far she seems to have been completely honest with you.

Take her at her word and stay friends for the time being.
You never know where things will end up.
Just never mention that you went through her phone while she was out of the room.
That'd be a dismissable offence in my book.

Best of luck.

Acoustic

not over her ex but yet seems sending sexual messages ??? i agree you shouldnt have read the texts at all , but in this case i think you found out before you may get hurt

she moved away , seems all over the place , you dont need that

Wagon

From what you've seen and what she's acting like with her ex, its enough evidance to know what the score is. Leave it mate, regardless of what happens if you go for it, the only person who'll get badly hurt is you. don't waste your time.

LegacyUser

OP I sympathise with you as the same happened to me! i was friends with this guy, we were flirty but nothing more and for some stupid reason i read his phone! Saw loads of messages from a girl he was f-buddies with. Well I only ended up going out with this guy and now I still remember the messages and it bothers me. its one thing knowing he was with her, it's another knowing exactly what they did. I dunno if ill get over it tbh!

SLUSK

leav her, run do not walk!

LegacyUser

Run away as fast as you can.....and be thankful you did see messages..

I was living with my gf a while back..totally besotted....ready to live with her forever...was suspicious about certain things going on..read her fone..texts to ex about meet ups and that she loved him.........exit stage left...

Over it all now but do I regret looking at fone?? Nope..thank god I did...lucky escape...I guess I wouldn't have looked except I knew something was going on...

Best of luck !!

LegacyUser

I think ye may be right, I have been trying to leave it for a number of weeks but I do really like her alot.
Thing is she has always said that she was mixed up etc. didn't know what she was doing and didn't want to hurt me, this i think is the main reason she just wanted to be friends.
But that wasn't enough for me, she even told me about a month ago that she had been witht the ex. since they had broken up, i hated hearing that but it didn't bother me as much as the txts, dunno maybe because the txts made it real, they weren't explicit in the sense they said exactly what they were doing, infairness i don't even know if she actually met him that day, i can only presume, thing is that at the same time she was texting him to come and colect her and etc. she was texting me asking me how i was!!! this kind of hurts also i supppose, I mean they were with easchother for 5 years and were travelling alone together for 2 of them, so it must have been fairly intense.

I suppose the best thing is to try and forget her now, The only thing is that this ex, her family hate him won't allow him in their house, her friends hate him, she never talks to them about him and they never hangout in the same group Im not just saying it for my benefit, and wouldn't try and colour her judgement over him, as I know this would only be me doing the same thing he does to her but the guy seems like a complete $^%& and my only descriptions of him are from a girl who must still have feelings for him.

This is a really vulnurable girl, has had real self esteeem issues in the past that i feel still remain, I also feel that this guy plays on this to keep her down and try and control her. I hate to see this happen because she really is a special girl, i was constantly trying to reassure of that.

Anyway, she's gone now, for better or worse, she's now living alot closer to him than I so its down to what she wants, she is aware of how i feel about her, and about her situation, told her to take her space, think about what she wants and if she'd like to meet in a few weeks that'll be great, if not then, i suppose ill just have to deal with it....

Last contact was along these lines, i.e. " i need to sort my head", "i do have feelings for you, you treat me really well", with the last text from her the night she left telling me her best mate whom i met that day thinks that "im perfect for her", and that she thought "id like to know that"...why she thought id like to know i cant figure, it doesn't really matter what her friend thinks of me, all that matters is waht she feels about me, maye now that we won't be in contact for a while (im finding that hard to keep up tho) she will get the chance to miss me, or maybe she will just forget me, thats probably the more likely to be fair......Im ranting now, think it may be alot harder to forget her then i thought it would even with her out of sight as such.

SarahSassy

strange1 wrote: »

This is a really vulnurable girl, has had real self esteeem issues in the past that i feel still remain, I also feel that this guy plays on this to keep her down and try and control her. I hate to see this happen because she really is a special girl, i was constantly trying to reassure of that.
QUOTE]

and she has a self-destruct button which will only bring you down. She is choosing to be in contact with the ex who mistreated her so she is trouble. move on.

Wagon

strange1 wrote: »

Last contact was along these lines, i.e. " i need to sort my head", "i do have feelings for you, you treat me really well", with the last text from her the night she left telling me her best mate whom i met that day thinks that "im perfect for her", and that she thought "id like to know that"

She wants to keep you on a short leash so she can jump into a relationship with you as soon as its fully over with her ex...

why she thought id like to know i cant figure, it doesn't really matter what her friend thinks of me, all that matters is waht she feels about me

...but you are smart enough to keep your head on and think straight about it. It was a good question to ask yourself, because a lot men would often think "oh maybe i have a shot cos her mates might make her see sense." I admit ive been one of those men myself.

If she really liked you she wouldn't be texting her ex. You wouldn't be having to post here either. All the more reason to forget it with her and move on

Eve_Dublin

SarahSassy wrote: »

strange1 wrote: »

This is a really vulnurable girl, has had real self esteeem issues in the past that i feel still remain, I also feel that this guy plays on this to keep her down and try and control her. I hate to see this happen because she really is a special girl, i was constantly trying to reassure of that.
QUOTE]

and she has a self-destruct button which will only bring you down. She is choosing to be in contact with the ex who mistreated her so she is trouble. move on.

Yep, I agree with this. I don´t know what it is with us but if you look at all the posts on this forum of people who´ve been mistreated by their OHs but are still emotionally attached to them for whatever perverse, masochistic reason. I think like you´ve hightlighted above, OP, it steams from a lack of respect for themselves, a self-esteem issue and a need to get attention from others at whatever cos...don´t complicate you´re life anymore than you have to by wasting brain energy on this girl. She´s loving the attention and thriving on the drama she´s getting from both her ex and yourself. She was only thinking of herself when she told you how much she liked you the night before she left. If she wasn´t moving away, she probably wouldn´t have said those things. This is an immature, selfish girl with a lot of growing up to do.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

She wants to keep you on a short leash so she can jump into a relationship with you as soon as its fully over with her ex...

Or an interlude before she goes back to him. I would think that more likely IMHO. Or again IMH the most likely reason is she doesn't know what she wants or how she feels about either of you. Though I suspect the ex has a big hold over her thinking. She like you both, for diff reasons, but she doesn't like you both enough to make a clear choice. Either way it's always a bad plan to get involved with people, men or women, who can't make up their emotional minds. They're a charm for this guff and a charm for rebounds and a charm for wrecking heads.

...but you are smart enough to keep your head on and think straight about it. It was a good question to ask yourself, because a lot men would often think "oh maybe i have a shot cos her mates might make her see sense." I admit ive been one of those men myself.

Very good point. I have learned over the years in my romantic dealings that it rarely matters what their mates may think(except at the very start), or their families for that matter, many women will just go on what they think and feel and hang the consequences. Some even get a kick out of being with someone who others don't approve of. I'm sure men do the same, I only say women, because that's who I'm into and have the experience with.

If she really liked you she wouldn't be texting her ex. You wouldn't be having to post here either. All the more reason to forget it with her and move on

Yep. As I reckoned above, she may like you, she may like the ex, but neither of you enough to make the choice. OK for her, she gets to double up on attention, make up the ideal guy for her out of two, useless for you and funny enough useless for her ex too(if he has any feelings involved).

TL;DR? Move on, find someone who doesn't have to worry about choosing and just wants you.

LegacyUser

Thanks, yeah i know i need to move on, it just its hard sometimes you know!!!
But thanks for the replies, i guess i needed to hear this stuff from an impartial source, mates have been telling me to forget her for a few months now, saying that sure she's a nice girl and all that but she we obviously want different things...I "chose" not to listen i suppose by telling myself that they didn't understand the connection between us, Im starting to think that maybe im the one that didnt understand it, She obviously means more to me than I to her,

Whereas ive not problem with that as such, i think that no matter who it is there is always going ot be one [arty in a relationaship that has more of an attachment to the other, its just it probably shouldn't be this hard at the start!

I also agree on the maturity bit, its only in the last few days with the lack of contact etc. that i have begun to see things for what they were, i do think that she is somewhat immature (emotionally) she has been through alot and i don't think she has dealt with some of it yet, Id still like to be there for her to help her through her issues, i really feel strongly for her, but if she doesn't let me do that there isn't really a way i can make her...

Again thanks for the opinions, some wise heads on this board, Wibbs especially after reading a few other posts from you, you seem to have this all figured out!! You should start doing seminars i think you would make a fortune.....;-)