I feel so stupid

LegacyUser

When I was seventeen I began seeing my first 'proper' boyfriend. After a few months I was crazy about him and being so naive, I let him away with some very bad behaviour towards me. At the time he was constantly badgering me to sleep with him but I told him I would rather wait until I felt some level of intimacy with him so that it was meaningful rather than just a casual thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with casual friend situations but he was my boyfriend and I was crazy about him and I wanted my first time with him to be special rather than a quickie in the back of his car. After about three/four months we started sleeping together and I don't know why I wasn't more assertive or more in control but I was terrified to ask him to use a condom. He told me he wasn't able to have kids months beforehand but I was always quite conscious of STI's and I just wanted to feel as secure as I could the first time and not worry about all that stuff. So before we had sex I told him I needed to know first that it was safe to do it with just me taking the pill and that he was 100% certain that he didn't contract antything from his previous partners. I was a virgin at this stage but he had slept with a good few women before so I wasn't trying to insult him, I was just trying to be safe. Anyway he said he promised me 100% that he had nothing like that and I stupidly went along. I think I was just so embarrassed that I was inexperienced at the time and he was just rolling his eyes at my concerns and I felt like an immature twat for being, what he said, over cautious. Now that I'm a bit older I realise I had ever bloody right to demand he wore a condom. But it's a bit late for that now.

We broke up shortly after I slept with him (suprise, suprise) and he said I shouldn't be so immature about it all when I asked him why he pushed and pushed for me to have sex with him if he was just going to dump me a few weeks later. He said what happened between us wasn't even a big deal which hurt me terribly because this was exactly what I wanted to avoid. He insinuated that if I didn't sleep with him that he'd get it somewhere else and I was so besotted with him I really didn't want him to break up with me.

I'm 19 now and I've not had sex with anyone else. I've also done a lot of growing up since due to having to deal with all the abuse I sustained while with him, both psychologically and on two occasions physically. (one was when he was giving out about how I wouldn't have sex with him and he was cursing and saying nasty things and that he'd hurt himself so I stupidly tried to calm him down and kissed and cuddled him and let him touch me but when I asked him to stop he was angry and hurt me by pulling his hands away in a strop and he didn't even care he just carried on giving out to me) Even writing that seems ridiculous but for some reason I let him have so much control over me. Anyway two years have passed and while there has been more guys since I've not had sex with any of them, not because I'm a prude but because I'm terrified. You see my ex cheated on me on top of everything else and now I fear he lied when he said he was sure he didn't have any STDs. Another thing that has made me sick everyday for the last two years with worry is that he admitted to me that he had used heroin which he injected. Now I'm terrified and don't want to be with anyone for fear of harming them this way but I've only had one sexual partner two years ago so I feel like an idiot for speaking to my doctor about STD tests. But what if it wasn't safe? And what if he had something really bad from the drug use? I can't even bear thinking of it. I'm hoping he didn't have anything, he's since had a lung transplant after an accident and is now healthy and thriving so it doesn't seem to me that he has anything of the sort but still, I'm terrified. I feel so stupid and so guilty.

I know now I should have demaned he used a condom but I didn't. Lesson learned so you don't need to tell me that, believe me.

dearg lady

Oh you poor thing, you've been worrying yourself silly the last two years and it might be over nothing. Please please go to a doctor, they won't think it's silly, they'll think it's sensible to get checked. It's important to get checked sooner rather than later in case you have something with no symptoms.

Worse case scenario, you caught soemthing and can begin treatment, that's better than putting yourself through all this stress believe me.
Best case scenario you are completely healthy and can begin to put this whole situation behind you. You probably haven't dealt with any of your emotions surrounding the relationship and break up as you've been focusing so much on the possibilty of STDs.

Don't feel bad or guilty over not using protection, yeah it was silly, but we've all done silly things, you were feeling vulnerable and he took advantage of that. And I think you've beaten yourself up enough over it, give yourself a break, get checked for peace of mind, and then you can move on with your life.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You have expressed your experience very well and off course this would worry you, It comes across that you were taken advantage of and used and because you were so young he was able to dominate you, its sooooooo not your fault though he is the one who has behaved inappropriately, his voice may still be in your head putting you down so you might need to process it all further,

I think it will put your mind at rest to get tested so you can know for sure and put your mind at rest, you might like to see a therapist to work through the abuse you suffered so you can go on and have a relationship, I saw a therapist and it was great for building my self esteem,

a professional will support you while you let all the emotion out and then build you back up feeling strong, there are free therapy places around every area so just google your area and therapy/counseling. You might feel therapy would be too much for you but you come across quite mature and have expressed yourself well and if your good at talking then this would be a great way to process any pain inside,

he should not take anymore of your life and it is still effecting you because you are afraid to have another relationship, so you deserve to heal from this and have a nice boyfriend that will treat you well. Dont feel guilty anymore about not using the protection or having sex you were being manipulated and scared into doing things you did not want to do, you are safe now and have learned from it, if it all comes back clear then you can rest easy, best wishes XX

Just go and get tested. You are ruining your life with these worries. No doctor will think you are silly for getting tested, especially if your ex injected heroin. Many people go just to make sure they don't have anything.

kjl

+1 to all responces,

plus the fact that he has had a lung transplant, mean that he isn't hiv positive. So you would only have to worry about treatable STI's.

Im 99% sure you are clean

JonathanAnon

worriedstupid wrote: »

I know now I should have demaned he used a condom but I didn't. Lesson learned so you don't need to tell me that, believe me.

Yeah, you're gonna have to bite the bullet on this and just do it. If he was sleeping with you while sharing needles, he is a complete b*stard for risking your life without telling you. You have probably had a lucky escape, but go to the doctor and find out for sure.

Davidth88

OP you were not stupid , you were bullied into doing something you didn't really want to do.

So now you need to take control. Go and get yourself tested , best case it puts your mind at rest , worst case , you can get the right treatment if needed.

I am glad you are coming to a place where you feel you can take control, do so .

Good luck !

miec

Hi Op

Like the others have said, you weren't stupid, you were bullied and I really feel for you considering it was your first time, you were so unlucky to meet such a horrible man. However, I would go to your doctor, explain the situation, there will be no problem with them testing you and your doctor won't make a fuss. I had a somewhat similar situation and had to bite the bullet and get a test done by the doc and it was fine, the relief is amazing. Also I personally suggest that when you get your results (and hopefully all clear) buy some condoms yourself and carry them with you when you go out or meet someone new. I don't care if other people will accuse you of being slutty, you are not, basically you are being proactive in your sexual health. I have carried condoms and yes I got the odd comment, but I don't care. It is the only way you can guarantee your safety. I hope you get the all clear, try to forgive yourself, I think we all kiss one or two pretty horrible frogs.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for the replies. Somebody said above that if my ex has had a lung transplant then he most likely is not HIV positive? Is this true? Because that's been one of my worst fears.
Rather than going to my doctor (where I may just be referred onto another clinic for testing) would it be okay for me to call into a Wellwoman centre instead? I imagine all the doctors working in there are well used to seeing patients with similar worries. Or am I supposed to go to my own GP?

Also, does it cost a lot for these kind of tests?

shellyboo

OP, there's a link at the top of this forum about STI testing and clinics. To go to a specialist and get tested costs between €100 - €150, but you can get it done for free at the GUIDE Clinic at St. James's Hospital if you're based in Dublin. There's no need to go to your regular GP at all, you don't need a referral. Most WellWoman clinics do offer STI testing, but they do charge.

Try not to worry too much - have a chat to the doctor when you go to get tested and they will hopefully help to put your mind at rest.

lynsalot

Hi Op, my heart goes out to you hon you poor thing. I went through something similar a while ago (I was 22 so it can happen at any age ok?) Was bullied into having sex without condoms and it freaked me out. I had reason to be worried and ended up having 3 std tests. I remember I had to see a gynocologist for a condition called vulvadynia which isn't an std btw, and sitting in the waiting room sick with the worry (not knowing that my symptoms were just a skin condition and not an STD) and the boyfriend at the time was texting me complaining we weren't having enough sex. It makes me sick thinking about it now. It's so difficult when ur in the situation and you're infatuated with someone to see the wood for the trees. The gyno i saw in james' was great. She laid it all out on the table. Asked why I'd had 3 tests, etc and she felt I had this condition because psychologically I wasn't comfortable having sex with my boyfriend.

Anyway I don't want to ramble on about my life, but there's NOTHING for you to be embarrassed about or worried about. I spent 2 years looking for symptoms, wondering if i'd get a rash, worried there was something wrong that wasn't showing up. It's probably the darkest time of my life. You have to believe me when I tell you, you're being brave and responsible now. You don't have to put up with this at all. The well woman clinic is good and although will cost about 100 quid, they're very experienced. I went to a clinic is south william street in dublin (yellow door around d corner from the molly malone statue) and the female docs are brilliant. Be honest with them explain how worried u are. Ur results will be in within 4 days. And then u can put ur mind to rest. If you've not noticed any significant changes or problems the chances are there's nothing wrong with you. U've done nothing wrong. There's nothing to be ashamed about.

You need to pluck up the courage and move on with your life. When you've this sorted, you can put it all behind you and move on. I suspect this is why you've not slept with anyone else.

Someone once told me, you're more likely to get pregnant than catch an STD and it helped me to think clearly and rationally about it. My ex's ex gf cheated on him and he'd never been tested. I made him get a test and then after we'd been together 8 months, he told me he'd not gone through with it and I was panicking to high heaven. So believe me I know how you feel. Please take my advice and just get it done. Look... you've nothing to lose. Things can remain as crap for you as they are now, or you can move on with your life.

Pls PM me if you need any support or advice or just need to let it all out.
All the best
Lindsay xx