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having a bit of him is better than not having him at all or is it????

  • 13-09-2009 08:07PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    i am particularly interested on male opinions on this one as maybe they can shed some new light on this.

    basically met a guy iv loads in common with, alot of similarities, lots of attraction and understanding between us. he has 2 very young children and goes away to the countryside where is from all weekend every weekend both to visit home and to see them one of the days-i basically dont hear from him unil he is back here again. obviously i am not stupid and had many questions etc etc about this. after mistrusting an questioning lots i fel him start to just shut down so i gave him the option to get out i said i wouldnt contact him and if he wants me he knows where i am. we didnt see eah other for a few days. he came back and said wanted to be with me. after this i decided i am just going to have to trust him and accept him as is-and hope he will at sme point either bring me home or stick around for some part of some weekend!

    seeing him now 6 mths.and i'm getting impatient as to am i just wasting my time here. he maintains that this is a good relationship etc and it is-we see each other most evenings nowbut that is not the same as going out to pubs, doing things etc. Realistically as I work late and he works early, if we are to have experiences together then the only time is weekends.

    there was a connection between us from the start and i think he is genuine now with regard to what goes on where he is from-ie it is complicated with the young kids, ex etc and he is not with the ex. I have been so accepting of this and have trusted him and stopped questioning after that decision i made a few months back, i have accepted him and his issues with commitment and past hurts and i don't push anything-i let him call me, i give him lots of space etc etc but at 6mths now and with no signs of change i am so exhausted with constantly being on edge and not being able to relax and feel secure as to where we are going if anywhere at all.

    try to be sensitive here please-i am not someone desperate who cannot meet anyone but normally i dont feel anything really but this one i really really like-is there anything practical i can do here?

    i am so tired i am willing to just listen to the majority of male opinions that come back.


Comments

  • #2
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    I'm a woman but I'll throw in my 2c anyway.
    csak wrote: »
    he has 2 very young children and goes away to the countryside where is from all weekend every weekend both to visit home and to see them one of the days

    His kids are, and very much should be, his priority. He obviously lives away from them and he only gets to see them on the weekend. It is completely understandable that he would go every weekend, particularly as they are very young.

    csak wrote: »
    seeing him now 6 mths.and i'm getting impatient as to am i just wasting my time here. he maintains that this is a good relationship etc and it is-we see each other most evenings nowbut that is not the same as going out to pubs, doing things etc. Realistically as I work late and he works early, if we are to have experiences together then the only time is weekends.

    Unfortunately you seem to be in different time zones socially. Have you spoken to him about it? Offered a solution? How about one weekend a month he spends the weekend with you? Don't be surprised if he turns this down though. 6 months isn't that long and if you go making demands on his time when you know the weekends are the only time he gets to see his children, I can't see it ending well for you. You said yourself you get to see him most evenings, thats a lot more than most couples.


    csak wrote: »
    there was a connection between us from the start and i think he is genuine now with regard to what goes on where he is from-ie it is complicated with the young kids, ex etc and he is not with the ex. I have been so accepting of this and have trusted him and stopped questioning after that decision i made a few months back, i have accepted him and his issues with commitment and past hurts and i don't push anything-i let him call me, i give him lots of space etc etc
    but at 6mths now and with no signs of change i am so exhausted with constantly being on edge and not being able to relax and feel secure as to where we are going if anywhere at all.

    How old are you?

    Why are you in such a hurry? 6 months is not a long time, particularly when he has young children to think of. You need to relax, take a deep breath and realise that you are going out with someone who has commitments beyond your relationship and these commitments are not going to go away. Where do you want this relationship to go? Why are you constantly on edge after a mere 6 months?? You can't say you're accepting of his commitment issues and past hurts when you're having a freak out after such a short period of time.

    My advice to you is to have a very serious think about whether or not you can have a relationship with a man who has other, very serious, commitments. From your post it really doesn't sound like you can. You are expecting too much, in my opinion, after a relatively short period of time.


  • #3
    OS119
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,518 ✭✭✭OS119


    agree with Chinafoot.

    he obviously takes his kids very, very seriously - and having a even a trace of his new girlfriend arrive on the scene is unlikely to make the probably already fraught relationship with his ex any easier. he complete compartmentalises the two two sides of his life, it makes it much less likely that the fact that he has a new GF will affect the willingness of his ex to allow him so much access to the kids.

    remember, even if he was married, he relies on her good will to maintain that relationship, if she gets the hump - even if his access is court mandated - then he loses all contact with his kids, the courts do nothing to enforce his rights in Ireland even if she repeatedly breaks court ordered access agreements.

    the two area where there may be room for a solution are the 'one day with family every weekend', which, unlike the kids issue, seems a bit dogmatic and within his control, and depending on geography, the pair of you moving to a location where he could visit the kids for the day while you both continue your day-to-day lives.

    if either of these aren't possible - perhaps its just too far to drive - you can either accept that until the ex simmers down you're going to be a strictly Monday to Friday GF (and really, how bad is it that your BF is so devoted to his kids?), or you can hit the road - coz if you make a fuss, you'll lose.


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