friend with serious problems...

LegacyUser

(Going unreg for this cause it's possible people could be identified)

I'm basically looking for advice or comments on how and if to help someone who's clearly in a lot of difficulty in some way. This person is my bf's roommate. I'll go into detail after, but to put it simply: I think he has some kind of serious personal/psychological problem, to do with sex or relationships, which is making him extremely unhappy and he can't seem to get over, but at the same time I'm aware how private that is and my bf for one is reluctant to interfere.

I've been with my bf for about 5 months now, and over time I've gotten to know plenty of his friends, including his roommate. We're all college students, 19-20 y o. My bf is a normal, popular guy, bit of a jock, whereas his roommate is much quieter and more intellectual/studenty. They're a bit of an odd couple but they get on fine. This guy (the roommate) is pretty introspective and a bit geeky, but still perfectly friendly and seems pretty confident outwardly, he's funny and definitely has friends. He's probably a bit too nice and obliging for his own good (especially to girls) but not hopelessly so, he can hold his own in a slagging match and all that. Anyway, I liked him straight off and got on fine with him, but in the last month I've begun to notice things about him which strike me as strange.

I first noticed it about a month ago when we got back to my bf's place one night and had sex, not realizing that the window was open and that the roommate was there in the next morning. I was pretty ashamed when I realized this the next day (it's always really awkward to hear something like that when you're single) but I was struck by how extreme the guy's reaction seemed to be - he never said anything or complained (we just sort of sheepishly avoided the subject) but he looked like he hadn't slept at all and had a really haunted look in his eyes, which he tried to hide. I know this sounds weird but it's hard to describe just how disturbed he looked, given that he normally seems laid-back. My bf didn't seem to notice so I didn't say anything though. I didn't really think about it again until a week later when we were all out drinking (me, bf, this guy and other friends) and the conversation turned to sex and relationships, the usual boasting from the boys and so on. Again, I couldn't help but notice he seemed pretty uncomfortable and avoided talking until the subject changed, but again nobody else seemed to. Then when we got back to the room (just the 3 of us) drinking and talking some more, I decided (which my bf reckons was a mistake) to ask about his love life, had he had a girlfriend recently etc. He sort of fobbed it of and joked about not being very good with women at first, but ended up saying some things which strongly implied that he was a virgin, and then instantly kind of panicked and tried to rephrase what he had said.

We were all kinda drunk at that stage so the next morning we all affected not to remember. At this point my bf privately got pretty angry at me, saying that I shouldn't pry and that him revealing that just made everything more awkward for both of them. I could see he was basically right so I tried to leave it alone, but in the 2 or 3 weeks since then things have just gotten more and more strange with this guy, even my bf has commented on it - he seems to look harassed and stressed out more and more often, not sleeping well, and several times (including once when I was there) clearly screamed/shouted in his sleep.
This whole thing came to a head earlier this week, when a large group of my friends and my bf's (including this guy) were out clubbing. A girl (friend of a friend) was eyeing up the roommate, and at the point where most of the group broke up near the end of the night they seemed to be scoring. I told my bf and we were both really happy for him. At the end of the night I went looking for him to see if he wanted to share our taxi. I was on the point of assuming he had gone home with her or something when I found him, literally curled up in a ball in a doorway, visibly shaking and looking disturbed/horrified (he was clutching his arms so hard it was actually scraping him) When he saw me he seemed to a recover a little but still looked very disturbed and asked to be left alone, he got home on his own later.

Basically this episode, on top of the other stuff, seems really, really strange, and way beyond just sexual frustration or whatever. A few days later my bf specifically asked me if anything had happened with this guy that night, so (reluctantly) I told him. He also now believes that this guy has some kind of serious issue, and it's getting to us too, both because we like him and want him to be happy and because he clearly knows we're concerned but is in denial. It's becoming extremely awkward and a major strain on their living arrangement, and generally getting everyone down, it's difficult to believe this is the same guy I first met. Neither me nor my bf is any kind of psychologist though, so I don't know what we can do. I'm really concerned about this guy at this point, so is my bf but he still believes that it's basically not our business to say anything. No idea what (if anything) I can do.

Kevster

Hi,

I or anyone else here cannot say with confidence what is specifically wrong with him, but things certainly don't seem to be 'right'. It is not for you to get too worked up over though, as you can easily just walk away fromall of this and get on with your own life. I'm sure that this other guy has people he talks to who know what is happening. What you could do is ask him by email (if you have it) if he is okay. I doubt that he would ever be open about his problem in a conversation, and so and email would be easier.

Kevin

VaioCruiser

This young man is clearly ill.

Your bf needs to approach his parents or his friends and try to expedite some action for him.


All the best

Thornography

I'd like to firstly say you are such a good person to be here on boars seeking advice for this person. This post gives me a little glimmer of hope that their are decent people out there!

From personal experience it is very hard to help a person who you dont know all entirely to well, Since you may not know the full picture, and assumptions are. as they say. the mother of all fcuk ups.

Dont go to his parents, dont tell his friends, dont tell anyone close, as this is how rumors are started, and thats the last thing he wants right now. Trust me iv been there.

Bring him for a few drinks with your bf and maybe a few close friends, and talk about it, tell him youv noticed he's been coming across as down lately. He may have said he wanted to be left alone but inside he defiantly didn't want to be that night on the doorstep. He`ll probably say this again but thats natural. You need to show him he can trust you which might mean you might need to share some small nasty secrets with him.

Once you know what the problem is then you can make your assessment and take it from there.

You cant just go to his parents and say *Hey, Jimmy screamed in his sleep and got drink on a door step so i think there's something screwed up inside his head... fix it* Cause thats exactly how it going to come out... is`nt it?

So dig a little, using trust. And making sure he does NOT feel embarrassed or the shell will close for good.

Thornography

Kevster wrote: »

It is not for you to get too worked up over though, as you can easily just walk away fromall of this and get on with your own life. I'm sure that this other guy has people he talks to who know what is happening.

I strongly disagree with this

Not everyone is an open book, and not everyone has someone they can talk to for help. For reasons of pride, embarrassment, not wanting to put someone out of there way to help. e.t.c the list of reasons not to is bigger then the list of reasons to actually talk it out with someone.

Chucky the tree

eVo|tempest wrote: »

Bring him for a few drinks with your bf and maybe a few close friends, and talk about it, tell him youv noticed he's been coming across as down lately.

Horrible idea I think. Bring him out and then try and force him into talking infront of his roommate + gf + friends in a pub?

eVo|tempest wrote: »

He may have said he wanted to be left alone but inside he defiantly didn't want to be that night on the doorstep. He`ll probably say this again but thats natural. You need to show him he can trust you which might mean you might need to share some small nasty secrets with him.

You have no idea what he didn't or didn't want,fairly massive reach to say you know he definitely didn't want to be alone.

Thornography

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Horrible idea I think. Bring him out and then try and force him into talking infront of his roommate + gf + friends in a pub?




You have no idea what he didn't or didn't want,fairly massive reach to say you know he definitely didn't want to be alone.

Pub was never mentioned. A comfortable spot where he can feel safe.
and also not force. Just pry a little, There NO harm in it what so ever. If he gets uncomfortable leave it of for another time without seeming desperate.

And no one wants to be alone with a problem. Iv had so many friends fall into doorsteps drunk and want to be left alone, Only to ring me later and ask for my help

Iv been there before myself.

Your normal steps wont work on a case like this. This is all to familiar of personal experiences, Now not with the same personal problem, but with the exact actions that he`s showing.

I could be wrong, But iv seen it a hundred times before.

Monkey61

Okay, I'll go out on a limb with what could be complete madness, but anyway...

So the guy is young, has very little experience with relationships, is relatively reserved and serious - is it possible that he has fallen in love with either yourself or the boyfriend OP and it is completely wrecking his own head as he knows it can never be? That coupled with being a bit depressed anyway could lead to the sort of behaviour you are describing.

It could be absolutely killing him seeing the pair of you together and maybe when he scored that girl, and presuming he was really drunk, it all just became a bit too much for him and he realised that he couldn't distract himself from it all. She could have said anything to him about you guys that may have upset him.

It's only a theory mind, but I have seen very similar situations play out, especially with people around that age who aren't the sort to always be in relationships and very lucky with those they fancy.

kelle

Is there any way you can contact his family to let them know you are worried? The chances are they are worried too.

We were worried about a family member years ago. He started getting calls from his female classmate, and we thought maybe he was dating her and keeping it secret so were relieved. But she confided in us she was worried about him, and couldn't fathom out what was wrong..

Luckily he was attending his GP and getting help. We eventually found out he had got himself into a situation that he regretted and he was worried about the outcome. This worry took over his life and led to him having a near nervous breakdown. His odd behaviour at the time echoes that of your friend.

Can you please try and talk to him and persuade him to visit a GP?

Can I just say is this guy is so, so lucky to have friends like you and your bf.

iguana

As others have said here it's very easy to make assumptions based on the details in your post, so it's best to tread carefully here. My advice is that you both quite naturally let him know that you are there for him if he needs to talk to you about anything, that you care about him and will do everything you can to help him if he needs you.

Beyond that let this go and work on going back to a normal relationship with him. Do not attempt to set him up with someone, do not tease him about women/sex and be careful about flaunting the sexual aspects of your relationship. And do not tell other people about what is happening unless you have good cause to think he might hurt himself.

I know you are trying to help him, but it's unlikely that badgering him about what's wrong will help. It could very easily make things a lot worse. Just be his friend, someone he can relax with and feel secure around. It's also worth investigating if his college has a counselling service, so that if things do not improve you can suggest this to him as an option.