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Feeling guilty about parents

  • 12-09-2009 9:51pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I feel bad about even thinking about this. I'm the only girl in my family and have 2 brothers. Like a lot of people lately I am finding it near impossible to find a job in ireland. I have moved back into the family home and i know Im lucky to have that option. My bf has moved back to Britain to work as his job went here too. To make things worse my mum has cancer. She is receiving treatment but she'll never be free of it. Its treatable but not curable. I have friends and I play on a sports team but people have other lives too. They have partners. I just hate wkends so much. I'm nearly 30 and I dont want to keep threading water for the next few years. My bf and I talk about marriage and kids and i dont want to leave it forever. my qualifications would allow me to find work in Britain but I just feel so guilty thinking about it. My family is the only thing keepin me in Ireland. My parents love us living at home. We have never been encouraged to broaden our minds geographically! A few years ago when I first mentioned I was moving to dublin my mother made me feel really bad and said some mean things. She apologised after but I dont ever want to feel that way again. Is it really selfish to want a life of my own before my parents really do need care? My mum isn't "sick" at the moment. She could get worse or she could stay as she is. I feel like i could end up sacrificing the next few years of my life out of pure guilt. My brothers are still at home as they are unemployed too


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 182 ✭✭magenta73


    I'm sorry to hear about your mother op. I don't think you should feel guilty, about wanting to start your life with your boyfriend. With the new treatments and drugs they have now your mum could live for years to come, and I hope she does. but you can't put your life on hold, imo,England is not that far away, and you could be home every weekend or whatever, but if you stay and life starts to pass you by, you may start resenting your parents and that's not fair on any of you. you could probably find that you would get on much better, you could ring each evening and have chat's etc, but imo, I don't think you should feel guilty. I have two daughters 17 and 14 and the eldest girl is going soon to another county to start collage and it's killing me, but I wouldn't let her know because it's not fair. but good luck in your decision, what ever you decided:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Hi OP.

    You must move now. Don't delay. You have a life to lead. It is your turn now.

    Later, if and when you Mum is seriously ill, decisions may have to be made.

    But for now. Move. Leave. Live.


    All the best.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    I know exactly where you're coming from on this - I've got a long-term ill parent. No, you are not being selfish at all. You sound like a big-hearted person who is torn between your love for your mum and your need to get on with the rest of your life.

    I think you should move to England. You have to be pragmatic and not neglect the foundations for the rest of your life. Sitting around here unemployed is not going to do you any good whatsoever. The sooner you get back working, the better for your career and the chances of getting another job. Then there's your relationship which sounds like it's going places. Why cause problems in it? I think you know all that stuff already.

    You can't carry your family on your back. Your mum is still in reasonable shape and could be so for quite a while yet. Who knows? You also have your father and your two brothers at home who should be helping out if they're not doing so already. Don't rule out getting help from the HSE if needs be - ye can't do it all on your own. We get great help and support at home which has taken enormous pressure off the family.

    It's not as if England is far away anyway. You can ring your mum. Come home to visit. All you can do is take things as they come. Worry about what's happening today - you never know what tomorrow will bring.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58 ✭✭AMK


    You sound like a really caring daughter but you only feel like this because that has been cultivated in you by your parents. Put it another way - if they always encouraged you to travel and broaden your horizons you wouldn't be feeling this way. You're nearly thirty, a grown women, and you have your own life to lead.

    Presumably, your mother (and father, but it sounds like it's really your mother driving this) left home, got married, had a family. She got her chance and she took it. You must do the same. That's the way life is.

    It doesn't really matter if she says hurtful things. If you think about it, her words cannot be as damaging as losing years of your life. She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, you will.

    My mother found it very hard to accept that we had lives of our own and that she wasn't the focal point of our lives once we were grown-up. She never really moved past that part of life where she, as our mother, was the centre of our universe. She seemed to think that should go on for ever and she should always come first, even before our husbands and before our children when in due course we all had our own families. At the same time, she found no contradiction in the fact that she had always put her life, her husband and children before her own mother. She loved that part of her life when she was the centre of everything and couldn't let go of it. She also seemed to think we owed her because she had us and reared us. Some people are like that. They never really get the fact that it all goes around in a circle and you're not meant to get back what you give your children. They're meant to pass it on to their children and that's the way it's meant to be.

    One of the things that became clear to my sisters and myself over the years was that accepting that we had our own lives made my mother feel old. She had now moved to the stage of having grown-up children. I was the first of us to have a baby and when I told her I was pregnant she shouted at me that she was too young to be a grandmother. As I was single and peniless at the time, I was expecting to be shouted at but not quite for that reason!

    I think you need to make this decision independently. In other words, make your decision on your own, as an adult, and plan accordingly. Then, when you have decided what you are going to do, let your family know. If you get into discussions about it, you will involve them as though it's a family decision. You will also give an authority over your life which, frankly, your parents shouldn't have at this stage. However, they can only have this if you hand it to them.

    Good luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58 ✭✭AMK


    Didn't mean to come across as unsympathetic to her illness but it sounds like the real issue pre-dates that. Plenty of people have to handle family illness and crisis from England and you will too when the time comes. Also, the fact that you are the only girl should not be a factor in any of this.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi,

    OP here again. I just want to say thanks to everyone who replied. It has made me realise that I can't let life pass me by anymore. It may take a while but I think my parents will understand. I think it's a prime exampe of Catholic guilt even though I'm not a very good catholic!!

    AMK, I didn't think you were at all unsympathetic about my mother's illness. I actually had a bit of a giggle when I read how your mother responded to your pregnancy! Though I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time!!

    Thanks again


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