Funnies #

Capt'n Midnight

The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank.

After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other

" Come on George, don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"






Two women knocked at my door & asked what bread I ate. When I said "White" they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

Yer'Hovis Witnesses.





I am on a gin and tonic diet,so far I have lost three days.



I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died.







According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2 The beach was too sandy.

3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4 It rained on my birthday.

5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9 None of the hotel staff were English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.

10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.





People often moan about falling education standards and how bad the schools are, but my sister is sixteen and she's reading Shakespeare at school!

She's got as far as S - H - A







If ignorance is bliss, why are McDonald's staff never happy?






A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I had a Father's Day gift."


"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Capt'n Midnight

I met a Essex girl in a night club. I was getting on great with her when she said, "one kiss and I'm yours forever."
I said, "thanks for the warning."




There is no longer need for the Neutron Bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a Mortgage.





I just heard my next door neighbour's window smash and his burglar alarm went off so I immediately sprang into action...

I went round there and got myself a free telly.





"Doctor, Doctor, how did my operation go?"

"Not too well, mate. I'm Saint Peter."





A tourist is walking through the red light district in Amsterdam when he sees a fine looking lady. He approaches her and taps on the window.
"How Much?", he asks.
"1000 euros", the woman replies.
"Wow, thats quite a lot isn't it?"
"Yes. Well it is double-glazed."





A man hits on a ploy to make some cash. He buys a dog, and painstakingly teaches it to recite the Lord's Prayer, word-for-word, until the dog has it perfect.

He takes the dog to the pub, and says, "I bet anyone here a fiver that this dog can recite the Lord's Prayer!"

Quite a few people take up the bet. The dog is put up on the bar.

"Well, go on, then," says the man.

"Ruff! ruff!" says the dog. "Ruff! Ruff!", and starts licking its balls.

So the man loses all his money. On the way home, he says to the dog, "What the hell was that all about? I trained you to recite it perfectly!"

"Yep," says the dog, "But just think what the odds'll be tomorrow night!"

_SONIC_

hahahaha a brilliant collection their captain!!!!! :D

made me laugh

Capt'n Midnight

I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.

He said, "Where do you think you're going in that state?"

I replied, "I'm going to a lecture."

He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife," I said.




My gran died last week. The funeral director said, "bury her with something she liked."

As the coffin lowered into the ground, all we could hear was grandad shouting for help.





A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.

The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"






I lost my grandad the other day. He's not dead, he's in Ikea.

Capt'n Midnight

I was out until six this morning celebrating my wife's birthday.

She was livid when I got home!





I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.





I nervously stepped through the door of the local brothel today.

First time I've seen the outside world in weeks!




A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "You've got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!"

A tortoise in the back shouts, "You bastard!"



Woman goes into a butcher's...

"I'd like an oxtail please".

"Certainly", replies the butcher, "Once upon a time there was an ox..."




Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and the England football team?
A: O.J. Simpson had a more credible defence.

Capt'n Midnight

"Show me your feminine side," my wife said to me today.

"Okay," I replied and walked out the door.

When I returned thirty minutes later, she moaned, "Where have you been?"

"I was parking the car."





I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said,

... and so it did,
A F R I C A N Elephant





If you get stopped by the police in the car and they get you to wind the window down and ask "Do you know why we pulled you over, sir?"

Apparently, ''Did you forget?" isn't a suitable answer.





It makes me laugh, how apparently every time I download a song off Limewire, I'm ruining the music industry.

What about everytime they make a new series of X-Factor?





A 16 year old girl bought herself a tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother.

She then asked, "well, what do you think?"

Her mother replied, "I think if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older."

Capt'n Midnight

I succesfully predicted the lottery last night.

I predicted I'd win sweet F A.





I got 24 people in a room together and made them clear their minds and doddle down 6 numbers.

I then got everyone's results and worked out the average score for each of the 6 numbers they noted down and entered them as my lottery numbers.

Sadly 0.243, 89, 6874638, 785, 1789.45 and 432.3 didn't come up.





My wife came home and said she had some good news and some bad news about the car.

I said, "What's the good news?"

She said, "The airbag works."

Capt'n Midnight

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch:

Small town, but it's made a huge name for itself.





Hollywood.

It's made a huge name for itself.





I spent ages trying to cross a busy road.

Some passer-by said, "There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."

I thought, "I hope he's having better luck than me."




My wife accused me of cheating the other day.

"We were on a break!" I said.

"No we weren't!!"

"Yes we were!"

We should really keep track of our doubles tennis score better.

Capt'n Midnight

A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:

Female Drinks

She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than Blue Nun)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: Blue Nunl
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.

Male Drinks

He orders: Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Cider
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: Blue Nun
Meaning: He's gay.

Capt'n Midnight

100,000 people die a year due to driving related accidents.

50,000 people die a year due to drinking related accidents.

2000 people die a year due to drink driving related accidents.

look at the facts people.




I just saw a sign saying "Watch batteries fitted here"
I thought, I haven't really got the time.

Capt'n Midnight

A blind man walks into a library and says, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, but it's not a very interesting subject."





How many MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two; One to submit the receipt, and one to try and figure out why John Lewis have actually delivered a 42-inch plasma TV.




Peperami, it's a bit of an animal.

I've no idea which animal though, or which bit.






A bloke came into the restaurant where I work the other day...

He said he had reservations.

I said, "Oh, don't worry, the food's brilliant."

Capt'n Midnight

I'm not a big believer in reincarnation.

I've had my doubts ever since I was a young otter.




I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken."
So I opened up the box, and sure enough...




When new girlfriends ask me what I do I tell them i take the Piss out of sick people for a living. If they don't slap me and walk out I know I'm onto a good thing and i explain what a urologist really does.

Capt'n Midnight

"Somewhere inside of me is a skinny girl trying to get out." exclaimed my missus last night.
"Oh yeah," I said, "Did you eat her?"



Some things you need to get certain jobs:

Policeman : No criminal record and a good heart

Fireman : A good heart and little fear

Surgeon : A steady hand

Teacher : Like working with children

Shopowner : Friendly and hardworking

Librarian : Tourettes Syndrome




My local council wants to ban pitbull terriers from the streets, but they're having problems with actually identifying which dogs are pitbulls.

I personally don't see what the problem is. If they've got short legs, square shoulders and an aggressive temperament, then the dog they own is most likely a pitbull.

Capt'n Midnight

If I didn't have my friend, Bertie the six foot orange aardvark, to keep me company, I'd have gone mad.





My wife drove me to alcohol...

God Bless designated drivers.




HIV got massive in the 80s. Is that why its called a retro-virus?





Many moons ago, I started flashing my arse at people.

Capt'n Midnight

One of my favourite things to do is to try and pack myself into a small suitcase.

I can barely contain myself.




A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,'
'Me neither, Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'




My gran's one of those people who thinks a cup of tea is the answer to everything.

And the daft bat still wonders why she didn't get past the first round of Mastermind.

Capt'n Midnight

I was woken up this morning by my wife pouring boiling hot coffee on my head. I got up and went to work where my secretary poured scoulding tea over my head. After a hard days work i got home and my daughter came running up and tipped bloody hot chocolate over my head and all down my face.

Is it just me or do all women take me for a mug?




The three people who have appeared in the BBC documentary about compulsive talking disorder have asked not to be named.

The documentary, when screened, is going to be called: On Anon Anon Anon.






My aunt reckoned smoking helped her lose weight.
She was right, it did: one lung at a time.

Capt'n Midnight

On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word.

On other days, the off licence is closed.







Top Tip:
If you're late for your plane, simply phone ahead and say there is a bomb on board. The plane will still be there when you arrive.





Anyone can quit smoking.

It's much braver to accept cancer.







All these people who say that "Smoking Kills" are talking bull. I mean- my Grandad smoked 40 a day, and he got killed when he was hit by a bus. Ok, he was only 29 and happened to be leaving Chemotherapy at the time.... but the principle is sound enough.

Capt'n Midnight

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local policeman came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The policeman asked the old farmer, "Crickey, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked bastards lie."




For the duration of the games the Chinese authorities shut down all the factories in Beijing to improve the air quality.

Seb Coe says Britain does not have the same problem for 2012 as Margaret Thatcher shut down all the British factories in the 1980s







Blackpool tower needs a new lick of Paint.

So the foreman in charge finds three men who could do the job. An English man, an Irishman and a Scotsman.

The Scotsman is first to see foreman. The foreman asks, "how much will the job cost in total?"
The Scotsman says "3,000 pounds."
"That's great," says the foreman, "could you break that down for me, please?"
"Certainly," says the Scot. "That's 1,000 pounds for materials, 1,000 pounds for the labour and 1,000 pounds for myself."
"That's fantastic, I'll let you know if you've got the job soon," says the foreman.

Next up is the Englishman.

The foreman asks the Englishman, "how much will the job cost in total?"
The English man says, "6000 pounds."
"That's lovely," says the foreman, "could you break that down for me, please?"
"Of course," sayss the Englisman. "That's 2,000 pounds for materials, 2,000 pounds for the labour and 2,000 pounds for myself."
"That's reasonable, I'll let you know if you've got the job soon," says the foreman.

Next to come in is the Irishman.

The foreman asks the Irishman "How much will the job cost in total?"
The Irish man says "9,000 pounds."
"Oh, I see," says the foreman, "could you break that down for me, please?"
"By jeebus, of course, laddy,' says the Irishman. "That's 3,000 pounds for myself, 3,000 pounds for you, and we'll get that Scottish guy to do the job for 3,000."

Capt'n Midnight

I took my wife out for tea and biscuits yesterday.

She really enjoyed it, she had never given blood before





The funeral procession made its way down the road.

Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net and some bait.

A passer-by remarked, "He must have been a very keen fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," came the reply. "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife!!"







I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,"Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."



Statistically.... 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

Capt'n Midnight

A recent survey states that the average citizen is less likely to perform the polite gesture of holding open a door for a stranger than 30 years ago.

I suspect the introduction of automatic doors around 30 years ago is partly responsible for the shocking lack of respect displayed by this generation.





What if the Hokey Cokey really is what it's all about?




top tip:

Start acting suspicious as soon as you get married, so that when you're actually cheating on your wife, she won't know any different.

Capt'n Midnight

If you're ever in a hostage situation and the gun man says, "Who shall I shoot first?"

Saying, "It's 'WHOM shall I shoot first?'" is not the best answer.






A bloke working on the buses taking fares pushes one of his passengers off the bus and kills him. At the trial he is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to the electric chair.

As a last meal he asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly eats.

They sit him down, plug him in a send a million volts through him. When the smoke clears he is sitting there, right as rain. Checking through the statutes the governor finds he has no choice but to release him.

The chap goes back to his job on the buses and lo and behold allows another passenger to fall to his death. Once again he is found guilty and sentenced to death.

At the prison he, again, asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly recieves and scoffs down. In the chair again and this time he is zapped with 2 million volts. Smoke clears and bugger me there he sits, right as rain.

As before he goes back to his old job. Through a combination of stupidity and sheer malice he, yet again, allows another passenger to fall to their death (under a train at that, it was quite nasty really!) The judge has no choice but to find him guilty and off he goes to the chair.

As you may have guessed he asks for his bunch of green bananas (getting predictable now) Eats them, gets strapped in, 3 million volts and yep, he's right as rain.

The executioner, who is really pissed off by now, approaches him and asks what the secret is, is it (as he suspects) the green bananas that save his life. "No" replies the prisoner "I'm just a bad conductor!"