Is she torturing me or am I am I just an a55hole?

LegacyUser

Ok, Im seeing a girl for the last 6 months and my head is all over the shop.

We knew each other beforehand for about 6 motnhs as just friends and we got on great- Ive honestly never laughed so much or felt so great as when Im with her, we got closer and it turned into a relationship.

Now the problem is the bedroom- we've been seeing each other for 6 months and we havent really had a sex life. When we're alone with each other I cant keep my hands off her- she reciprocates but as it gets more passionate she stops it (We dont do anything besides sex either).

She has said she wants to wait and she doesnt want us to ba all about sex and she want romance. Fair enuf, problem is I have a very high sex drive- especially around her.

So when we start kissing, it inevitably gets hotter and she goes with it and seems to be enjoying it and is sometimes the one driving it, but then she totally stops. This is extremely frustrating for me and tbh it has made me angry, but if we argue about it she says Im only interested in sex and Im no gentleman, which makes me feel like crap. I tried talking to her about it but it always come round to me pressuring her and just wanting sex.

I mean I am interested in sex, I do think about it alot and while I dont profess to be a gentleman Im not a bad guy, in fact I sometimes think Im too nice. If i had it my way we'd be at it moprning noon and night.

So it was recently our 6 month anniversary and I decided I would show her i could be romantic. I took a half day from work- got her a necklace, made a mix tape of her favorite songs, picked her up from work and had a hot bubble bath with a glass of her favorite wine waiting for her- when she was finished I had the whole sitting room decked out with candles- the mix tape playing and cooked her a 3 course meal, gave her the necklace. I dont know if that sounds romantic but it went really well. We made our way to the bedroom which I had done it up with rose petals and flowers- things wer going great! We got into bed and she told me she loved me- I told her I loved her and things got really passionate. Then, just as we were about to (you know), she stopped it all again!!

I was pissed off and let her know it and things went from bad to worse- we had a big row. Which was basically about me planning all of this just for sex and not to be romantic at all, she stormed out letting me know I had ruined a perfect evening with my obsession for sex.

Thing is, I did do it for sex, I mean I do want to have sex with her, I reaal want to have sex with her, I want to be with her but i feel like crap because of it- I dont know what the hell she wants!!!

Everytime we meet up its the same- I go from happy, to horny, to frustrated, to being angry with her, to feeling guilty, to being angry with myself and then to just being confused. It feels like Im on a rollercoaster. In paranoid moments I think she's deliberatly doing it to grind me down and make me feel bad

She says if I wasnt so obsessed with sex I wouldnt be so frsutrated and in a way she's right but there isnt anything I can do about that is there? I cant stop thinking about her but its starting to affect my self-esteem?

Im losing the plot, do you think Im right to be pi55ed off with her or am I just a 1 track mind a55hole?

Miss Fluff

No, you don't seem like an a££hole at all. You obviously care about her and respect her and I think you have been incredibly patient and understanding by the sounds of it. Sex is an integral part of any normal healthy relationship. I think it's a great thing that she wants to wait, she obviously wants it to be special, but SIX WHOLE MONTHS is quite a wait!

Sexobsessed wrote: »

She has said she wants to wait and she doesnt want us to ba all about sex and she want romance.

Has she indicated when she thinks she will be ready?

What age are you guys incidentally? If she is a virgin then perhaps she just wants to be 100% sure OP?

Monkey61

This all sounds very strange indeed. You OP, sound perfectly normal, but the situation is bizarre. 6 months is a very long time to wait without a specific reason (ie. wanting to wait until marriage).

Have you talked about this? She needs to tell you exactly why she doesn't want to have sex with you, so at least you will then be able to make a decision about the relationship and where it is heading.

Is she a virgin and completely terrified of the whole idea? That is one possibility. Or has she had a bad experience in her past with regards sex?

I don't know why she seems to think that romance and sex are two completely separate things. You are in a relationship for six months and you love eachother. Sex can be romantic for God's sake.

I'm not going to say that the whole point of a relationship is sex, but it is very important. Otherwise you might as well be friends with a bit of kissing. What seems the most unsettling is that she does not seem interested in sex at all. Does she fancy you? Is it possible that you just drifted into a relationship based on a friendship but that for her there is actually nothing more there? Also the fact that she seems intent on making you work for sex as if it is some kind of prize that you have to win by behaving in a certain way - that does not signify a healthy or adult attitude to relationships at all.

Of course this does depend on how old you both are though. If you are 15-18 then I can understand her attitude, but any older and it is very strange.

fend

What age are you guys? If your young, she may have not quite reached that stage in her life yet, and probably wants to wait until she's ready.
She may also of had a bad experience with a previous partner thats making her hold off.

If you really really like this girl, and see yourself being with the girl for a long time, and if you really do get on as well as you do, id honestly wait.
Girls like her are hard to find. Dont focus on the sex, or lack of it. This could also be her way of testing the waters to see if thats all your really about.

I know plenty of girls who have jumped in to fast with someone who they thought would hang around but didnt. I also know a lot of girls who make their fellas wait.

You will eventually sleep together. and if you wait, i GUARENTEE you, it wil be worth it. You want what you cant have. Stop focusing on it and it wont seem so long away.

LegacyUser

OP here

She's 22 and Im 24, shes had 1 long term relationship which was from 15, they broke up about a year ago but she has said that the guy is was her best friend- (Im thinking not everything is resolved there)- i dont think she's been with anyone else. I have been with a few girls but never had a real relationship (maybe cos I always got physical too soon?)

She hasnt actually said that she wants to wait until marriage but she did mention once that her firends got engaged and they havent had sex yet- I laughed about until I realised she didnt find it funny.

See here's the kicker, even though I know sex and respect dont go hand in hand, the fact that we have gotten to know each other so well without having sex has made me more into her- in a way it has made me appreciate the relationship on a deeper level, in fact Im in love with her, she's intelligent, strong and classy (not talking about the sex thing- I mean in other departments).

On the one hand its really intensified my feelings for her and kind of challenged my own view on it i.e. it does feel alot more special in that when we are getting passionate it feels alot more emotional than physical but on the other hand it feels like Im going to lose my mind.

As much as I love her I dont think I can hack the lack of sex. It feels like if I can hold out, then the reward will be all the better but if I not then I'll lose her. When I think about the old-fashioned view of a 'Gentleman' I really dont think I fit the bill on this level, which makes me feel 5hit and makes me want to be a "better man"- (which I gather is one of the big signs a guy is in love).

While I respect and love her, I always come away feeling like Im immature, ruled by my libido kind of guy, its like Im a teenager or something. Like if you ever see one of those crappy US sitcoms where some sleazy guy is just trying to get into a girls pants- well Im starting to think I am one of those guys or at least Im starting to feel that way cause Im always horny around her. Sometimes it feels like she's testing my character- and tbh if she is, I feel like Im not making the grade.

Its like, if I can get my horniness under control, Id be more of the mature Gentleman that she wants, the kind of guy that is in control of his urges and values the emotional over the physical but I cant seem to do that, even though I am really experiencing deep feeling I cant seem to convey that to her and all Im showing is that I want to screw her brains out (which I do)- is this something more mature guys do? Is it something that happens to a guy as he gets more mature or am I just one of 'those' guys?

LegacyUser

Im not a romantic but if I break up with her because of the lack of sex then Id feel like I was choosing sex over love, I mean if you put it in black and white thats what I would be doing. What would that say about me? - Not just to her or other people but to myself. Its liek I have this good, gentelmanly side in me (I do) but I also have this raging sex drive that just drives me liek an animal (I dont mean illegal like- I just mean like being way too suggestive or innappropriate or just too damn horny all the time)

VaioCruiser

Well OP... in my view we have two people here... one who is a little unnaturally obsessed with sex, and one who is either morally or otherwise afraid or intentionally deciding not to have sex either until married or at least until a much longer period has past.

Your growing keenness I suspect is 90% sex-starved driven. Yes, I am afraid I am pretty sure it is. Us men are like that. It's been the case for thousands of years and women have known about it for that long. We are 'goal driven' and when a girl makes us wait, men tend to become more and more keen....

It is almost impossible to imagine how these two points of view can be reconciled by talking or discussing or negotiating.

I would suggest that a) you move on and allow both of you to be happy in the future with partners you are compatible with, and b) I really think you need get a grip (apols for the pun..) on your dependence on sex. While I say that I am wondering, however, if this dependence is largely driven by this sexless situation....and if so then I withdraw my suggestion.

I wish you all the best.

Lucyx

Sexobsessed wrote: »

Im not a romantic but if I break up with her because of the lack of sex then Id feel like I was choosing sex over love, I mean if you put it in black and white thats what I would be doing. What would that say about me? - Not just to her or other people but to myself. Its liek I have this good, gentelmanly side in me (I do) but I also have this raging sex drive that just drives me liek an animal (I dont mean illegal like- I just mean like being way too suggestive or innappropriate or just too damn horny all the time)

I really don't think you have an abnormally raging sex drive, its just that you're being denied what is perfectly normal at the beginning of a relationship. At this stage you guys should feel very comfortable together and she should know that you're really into her as a person and actually you should have a great and very exciting sex life. All that stuff you did with the meal and the bubble bath and the rose petals.......OH MY GOD I would have jumped on you!!! Thats so much effort. I'd love that so much and for her to stop just when things are getting going, that would drive anyone crazy.

i don't think you're in the wrong at all. Its perfectly normal that you want to be close to her and theres something wrong with her that shes stopping things at that point.

Tuesday_Girl

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Well OP... in my view we have two people here... one who is a little unnaturally obsessed with sex, and one who is either morally or otherwise afraid or intentionally deciding not to have sex either until married or at least until a much longer period has past.

Your growing keenness I suspect is 90% sex-starved driven. Yes, I am afraid I am pretty sure it is. Us men are like that. It's been the case for thousands of years and women have known about it for that long. We are 'goal driven' and when a girl makes us wait, men tend to become more and more keen....

It is almost impossible to imagine how these two points of view can be reconciled by talking or discussing or negotiating.

I would suggest that a) you move on and allow both of you to be happy in the future with partners you are compatible with, and b) I really think you need get a grip (apols for the pun..) on your dependence on sex. While I say that I am wondering, however, if this dependence is largely driven by this sexless situation....and if so then I withdraw my suggestion.

I wish you all the best.

+ 1

While I definitely sympathise with your situation and would struggle myself with the same scenario when I see you talk of "a raging sex drive that just drives me like an animal", "too damn horny all the time", "if I can get my horniness under control", and her accusing you of having an obsession with sex then I would say you are either placing an inordinate emphasis on sex in the relationship or/and ye are totally mismatched in the area of sex (as in sex drive, attitude toward it, moral views, etc.)


I do think your intentions are good and you want to be the man she wants you to be, etc. but your want/need/desire for sex is getting in the way whereby it sounds like she is feeling under a lot of pressure from you to have sex and it is causing arguments between ye. On the other hand I do think that she needs to put her cards on the table, why does she not want to have sex, what are her reasons, fears, etc., when does she think she could see the relationship becoming a sexual one. You need and deserve to know this so you can decide where to go from here.

One other point, not having regular sex is not ideal (for most people) but there will most likely be a time in the future when you have a partner with whom you live, share a bed, have a family, and there will be times when sex is off the agenda due to things like differences in libido, pregnancy, post-pregnancy, tiredness and other issues. Raging sex drive or not, sometimes you need to accept that sex ain't gonna happen tonight and maybe not even anytime soon and find a way to deal with that with as much understanding, grace and patience as possible.

VaioCruiser

He is 24. Regular sex is not required to avoid life threatening withdrawal symptoms, or grounds for severe anxiety.
I have had friends who have been virgins until they were 26 or more, men and women, and they never suffered any consequences.

...

fend

Has she had any other sexual partners apart from her long term boyfriend from when she was 15? If not, then shes probably a little weary of throwing herself out there again.

You are probably feeling that you love this girl so much that words dont cover exactly how you want to show your love and that this act of love will make you feel like you've filled the blank/gap.

+1 on the discussing the issue... but making a HUGE DEAL out of it is probably not the right way of going about it. You have to respect her wishes if you want to hold on to her, and if sex isnt on the cards for her for another while yet, you'll either have to deal with it and take a few more trips to the bathroom, alone. Or, you can leave her and release your hormones in the nearest passing breathing species that will take you, and risk losing this girl that you've spent the best part of a year with. Decision is yours at the end of the day.

metrovelvet

Sounds like she's feeling the pressure and the last thing a woman wants is to have sex with someone who she feels is angry with her.

It takes a bit of experience to get into to angry sex.

It doesnt sound like she's meaning to be a prick tease, try to talk it out with her. Stick to the "I feel....." phrases. Avoid the "you ....." phrases.

pookie82

OP I don't think you're being an a**hole at all. Sounds to me like you're a young guy with a normal, healthy appetite for sex and the woman of your dreams is holding out for no apparent reason. If she gave you a reason - a history of abuse, a bad experience with sex in the past, a desire to wait until marriage, that would be fair enough. You would know where you stood and would be able to make a stay/go decision based on that. But she seems to give you no indication of why she's holding off and gets angry with you for trying something that's pretty normal in a relationship at this stage.

I would sit her down in a situation where you're not actively seeking sex in the moment - don't let it get to the stage of her refusing you and it leading to an argument where you're accused of being "sex obsessed". Explain to her that that judgment is completely unfair - if you WERE sex obsessed you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship all this time, you just have a very natural inclination to show your love for her physically. Ask her if there's a specific problem, if she's scared - try to get a REASON for her holding out. This could be the key to solving the problem.

Is she a virgin? I know you said she was in a long term relationship since a young age but sometimes these things which start out really young don't develop much beyond a very close friendship. You need to talk to her without it starting when you're seeking sex.

LegacyUser

See I actually dont know if she's a virgin or not- i mean, i assumed she wasnt but I never asked her, i always thought like, a persons sexual history is there own business and all. I actually dont think Im obsessed with sex but, its kind of become the 'elephant in the room' which has obviously focussed all my attention. Like she said she doesnt have 'sex' she 'makes love'- and to be honest I wouldnt really know the difference. i feel very clueless about mature relationships, respect, love and all- it almost feels like she's trying to school me but I cant seem to cop on- its hard to describe.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP, I feel sort of sorry for you. As a girl, my favourite thing about a new relationship is the buzz of getting to know someone intimately, and to go out with someone for 6 months and not get any further than a kiss would drive me mad! She almost sounds like a bit of a tease but at the same time a hopeless romantic that wants everything to be like a little storybook. 'Making love' is having sex, whether she admits it or not and it doesnt seem like she's getting into that at all. It's a very peculiar situation and I dont think you're abnormally interested in sex. I think you fancy the pants off this girl and are in a relationship which you are expecting to get some intimacy from eventually and just when you think its happening she says stop. If it were me, I'd be wondering what's going on and whether the problem even lay with me not them.

I think you really need to sit down and talk to her and ask her what's up, what's going on in her head because it's perfectly naturally for you to want sex with her. There is nothing immature about it, and she's no more mature than you for holding off the sex. But there may be a reason for it. It's sweet that you don't want to delve into her past sexual history but in this case you may find reasoning behind her constant cessation of things going further. 6 months is a long time to wait for someone to come round and sex in my opinion is an important part of a loving relationship and can be the fall down of many when problems occur. Ye need to talk, and figure things out asap. Best of luck.

D-A-V-E

she probably doesn't want to have sex before marrage or something like that.
id say she is a virgin and wants to have sex when the time comes..naturally to her, and not you orientating stuff like that around her, i dunno really id have to know her to get the picture

SLUSK

In the end you will have to leave her if she does not put out.

Perhaps you can tell her something that her not willing to have sex with you makes it feel like she is not attracted to you and that it hurts.:(

fend

... stop with the negitiveness.... Such a man response :rolleyes:

Zaph

fend wrote: »

... stop with the negitiveness.... Such a man response :rolleyes:

And similarly, stop with the generalisations please it's not in any way helpful to the OP.

OS119

Hi OP,
i don't think you have an abnormal attitude to sex, and i can understand why this is an issue for you.

after a 6 month relationship, if she has an issue with sex, whether that's for a moral/religious/fairy tale reason, or because of a previous bad experience, she should be well past the point of telling you about it, particularly as the disparity between your attitudes is causing a problem within your relationship.

i'd like to reccommend you talking to her about it, but if she's not been prepared to talk to you so far, i can't see how it will get to anything but 'if you don't put out, we're over', and that's not nice!

put simply, most people believe sex is as vital apart of any serious relationship as affection, love, trust, consideration, and openness - most people wouldn't put up with a relationship without one of the last 5, so why should anyone think you should be prepared, without even discussing it, to ignore the absence of the first?

if she has had a bad experience in the past, or wants to wait until marriage, then that's one thing, you could discuss the situation and decide whether you wish to continue, but i'd take any other reason as a pretty damning indictment of how she sees your relationship - if after 6 months she's still 'not sure', or 'waiting for it to be perfect', then i'd give her the heave-ho, after 6 months and no conversations about it, that's a pretty disrespectful attitude in my view...

Skapoot

Hey 'OP.

I don't think you're obsessed with sex. The more you like someone, the more you're led on by that person and then denied, well then the more you'll think about actually getting to fulfil the whole - having sex with them thing.


She seriously needs to explain what the deal is. 6 months of skirting around the problem and blaming your sex drive. Making you feel like ****. Thats not very nice at all. You deserve an explanation, also she needs to be told how bad she's making you feel and that you won't put up with being made feel this way.

The only other thing I can think of apart from waiting for marriage, bad experience in the past Is that she just has no interest in sex, or is not as sexual a person as you! Some people develop slower than others.

I don't want to offend you but, maybe your style of foreplay isn't what she enjoys? It differs from woman to woman. Do you try pleasing her instead of rushing into sex straightaway? Ask her what way she would like to be touched, what she enjoys, her fantasies. Maybe thats the remedy....

reesa

i don't know if this would be possible for you to do ...

but maybe try a little reverse psychology ...

you know ... don't come on to her at all or very little (for a while) and see what happens ... see if she initiates anything ... the above post is worth looking into ... try to find out what she likes re. foreplay ... see if you can drive her crazy for a change.

good luck

kjl

seems like she may have intimacy issues, She is probably not completely over her ex, I think you need to me more manly about this.

Bloody Nipples

The whole "it's not sex, it's making love" attitude would suggest to me that she has the sexual act on a pedestal.

And I wouldn't consider you sex obsessed at all, this is the normal reaction of a guy who is being made wait for far longer than the norm, in an adult relationship. I mean 6 months?! :eek: Some relationships will have gone full circle in that time!

Sitting down with her and talking about it in a serious discussion, would seem, to me, to be the way forward. There are a couple of questions that need answering like how long she is planning on waiting, has she ever even had sex before?

Sex is a huge part of a healthy adult relationship and a lack of it in a relationship without a mutual agreement to abstain leads to problems, because , inevitably, one person is bound to be disappointed.

If she is holding out til marriage, you have to decide are you willing to make that choice, if not you had better get out of there.

shellyboo

Sexobsessed wrote: »

This kind of indicates to me - though I'm gonna get lynched for it - that she's very inexperienced.

Making love is all very well, but anyone who loves and enjoys sex knows that just plain fcuking is not only as enjoyable as making love, but it's necessary sometimes. Making love is lovely... but lovely gets boring.

OP, it sounds to me like she's had some sort of bad experience, or that sex stagnated in her last relationship and she's not quite sure how to get that sexual part of her back... we could speculate all day about why she's saying no, but the only way you're going to know for sure is if you ask her.

You're well within your rights to ask for a timeframe. You need to know her intentions.

prinz

Hey OP could write a lot more about this but don't want to get involved too much in the thread, I'll only say something to earn me a holiday from the forum.

I'm in a similar position with my OH to yourself and this is not a balck and white situation where you are in the wrong or she is. If you want PM me fire ahead, I'd be glad to offer you any advice I can.

Edit: Just realised the OP is not registered so can't PM me I think, in that case OP all I will say is that you could have a perfectly happy and rewarding relationship here, but it requires communication and effort on both sides. To answer your question, IMO no she is not deliberately torturing you, and likewise no you're not an assh0le, but you may need to chill out a bit beforeany progress is made.

SarahSassy

Skapoot wrote: »

She seriously needs to explain what the deal is. 6 months of skirting around the problem and blaming your sex drive. Making you feel like ****. Thats not very nice at all. You deserve an explanation, also she needs to be told how bad she's making you feel and that you won't put up with being made feel this way.....

This is very true, she is acting very immaturely and selfishly by not explaining her motives.

Sharlovesjohn

hi op I dont think you have an unnatural sex drive it differs for different people your girlfriends sex drive clearly isnt as strong as yours which allows her to be able to pull back when things get passionate my bf and me cant keep our hands off one another when even a kiss turns passionate between us, have you not tried foreplay yet? I feel its a good stepping stone making love - which i class different from sex as there is a real connection there between two people who love each other and want to connect in the most intimate way possible, involves hard work to finding out what your partner and yourself enjoy together sex feels like more of a in & out job to me just how i feel hope it helps!

LegacyUser

Loads of good advice there guys, thanks. I needed an outside perspective on it.

I have tried to speak about it with her but it never really goes that well. At the moment we arent really talking to each other anyway. My head is wrecked with it all, I think its time to take a break for a while- get my head together

Damo666

Have you seen the crying game ?:eek:

wasper

Six months of teasing is far too long. I had a girl once. I pleasured her with my hands but she did nothing for me & she wouldn't go any further. Happened 3 times & I just finished with her & moved on.

metalgear2k2

Damo666 wrote: »

Have you seen the crying game ?:eek:

I lol'd!

Silverfish

Damo666, as you are new to this forum, I suggest you read the charter before posting.

metalgear2k2 and sunflower27, off topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.


Thanks.