Can I trust?

LegacyUser

Right folks, I need your advice.

I am going out with someone less than a year and moving in with them soon.

The thing is, over the past few months, they have lied about a lot of stuff. This ranges from stuff they 'thought i'd be annoyed about' to smallish white lies kinda thing.

I have been hurt in the past and have been lied and deceived to a lot. This person knows how lying affects me.

Anything that has come out, I haven't been annoyed about at all - it was the lying about it that irritated me. I have even said things like 'if you are doing x and y, i'm fine with it, but if you lie, that will annoy me'.... But I just found out yet another thing that my OH has lied about and its really getting on my nerves now. They had absoluetly NO reason to lie.

I'm not one of these people that thinks we have to share everything with our OH's. But if you tell me something, I at least expect it to be the truth.

The prob now is that im thinking that if this person is lying about small things, then what big things are they lying about? I'm not sure I can trust them.

I apologise for the vagueness of this but I cant go into any more detail on here. Thanks for reading and any advice apperciated.

I just feel like this person doesnt respect me or give a sh*t about my feelings when we promised no more secrets only a month ago. They always try to defend themselves with 'I thought it would hurt you, so I lied'... Well, them sleeping with someone else would hurt me too, are they lying about that as well?

Help. I love this person very much.

ladymarmalade

Hi OP,

You need to do some serious thinking about where your relationship is going. Moving in with someone and sharing a life is a huge step.
I can see you have serious misgivings regarding this or else you would not have posted in the first place. This should be the happiest time of your lives but it's not for you. Gut instinct is often telling you what the heart refuses to see.

Apart from the lies he isn't taking you seriously and is doing the same thing over and over again without taking your feelings into account.
Trust is what relationships are built on and your foundation is rocky at best. You deserve to be happy, I don't believe you are think long and hard about living with him.

Hope it all works out for ya babe xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for your post.

I am afraid to admit that maybe you're right.

My OH, I feel doesn't take me seriously and this keeps happening over and over again.

The relationship is absolutely fantastic in other ways and we have an amazing connection. This is everything i've ever wanted and I just feel like this lying is destroying it.

I'm crushed. I've given notice to move out of my house and my room is gone. I've no job.. Not a reason to live my my OH but its just everything was coming together and the big move was so exciting.

I feel I have given everything to this. I have supported this person through unthinkable challenges, have been straight and up front at all times. I have nothing left to give.

ladymarmalade

ladymarmalade wrote: »

Apart from the lies he isn't taking you seriously and is doing the same thing over and over again without taking your feelings into account.

Yeah this sums it up for me. The "I thought it would hurt you" being used at all is some serious disrespect and it's rather patronising. It's also quite self centred. It's more like "I didn't want the hassle". That's first off. Secondly, doing this repeatedly after you've made it clear how you feel is just making all this even worse. It's even more self centred, disrespectful, and obvious he doesn't think very much of you.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Yeah this sums it up for me. The "I thought it would hurt you" being used at all is some serious disrespect and it's rather patronising. It's also quite self centred. It's more like "I didn't want the hassle". That's first off. Secondly, doing this repeatedly after you've made it clear how you feel is just making all this even worse. It's even more self centred, disrespectful, and obvious he doesn't think very much of you.

That's exactly what I thought. When I found about about the most recent lie, I said to my OH that they obviously haven't got any respect for me. That was dismissed completely. But that's how it feels. Like i'm a complete f*cking thick. Its like 'ah yeah, ill just say x and y. what they dont know won't hurt them', kinda thing.

So I take it we've no future? F*ck - i'm really upset and feel like i'm gonna puke.

My OH is away for the weekend. This happened today and before they left they said 'ill speak to you about this when I get back'. Ive heard nothing since. Speaks volumes really, doesn't it?!

Firetrap

The sad thing is that you don't sound like you trust this person any more. There goes the rock on which your relationship should be built. I don't know if a leopard can change its spots but a lying person is a pain in the ar$e to deal with to be honest. I've encountered a few of them in my life and I just ended up treating everything they said with a pinch of salt. Short of having a chat with this person and impressing on them that you wish they'd be up front and tell the truth, I'm not sure what else you can do. Take care.

LegacyUser

Well I texted and asked if maybe they would come home tomorrow evening (that was the initial plan for the weekend anyway). I said that I didn't want to wait until Sunday and that it was serious and I felt sick over the whole thing.

No reply. As I was agitated, I tried to call an hour later but the phone was turned off. My text had delivered when it sent. This has been done before. Whenever we had an argument, i'd get ignored - the phone would be turned off etc. I also explained at length how I hate when that happens and I was assured it wouldn't happen again. Lo and behold - here we go....

No matter how much I want this or how painful life will be without this person, I think I need to accept that they don't respect me and that it's over.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

unhappycamper

Evening OP.

I can try and relate to you.
I went out with a girl for 3 years. In the first year she was telling me small white lies. I would call her on the lies and then she would shut off. After a day or two we managed to sweep it under the rug and kiss and make up. The lies ALWAYS stayed with me. When you get that gut wrenching feeling in your heart of being lied to you know deep down that the trust is not there and the other person isn't playing fair, carry on if you like but you may be the one who ends up acting out of character. Eventually I hit the self destruct button myself by going off with girls. You know when your going to get sick? thats the feeling of being lied to. Maybe breaking up would be a more noble way of respecting yourself and moving on.