Bands and musicians joke thread (do not enter if easily offended!)

Guy Pratt

Just read what I think is one of the funniest jokes ever!

Guy Pratt wrote:

Whats the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz one?

A rock guitarist plays three chords to a thousand people.

Have you any good jokes concerning bands/musicians?

Savman

How many guitarists does it change to change a lightbulb?
1 (and 10 to watch and murmur how they would have done a better job)

two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba -dum-tish

bluefinger

How do you know when there's a lead singer at the door?

He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in!

bluefinger

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

you only have to punch information into a drum machine once.



I'm a drummer

sanfran

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?

a Drummer.

As we seem to be picking on drummers:

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Dord

Papa Smut wrote: »

Just read what I think is one of the funniest jokes ever!



Have you any good jokes concerning bands/musicians?

Check out this song, you might like it. It's along the same lines as that joke... but in song form. :pac:

Here's some of my favourites..

Q. Whats has 20 legs and 4 teeth?
A. The front row at a banjo picking class.


Q: How do you get a guitarist to play slower?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.




Q. How many guitarists does it take to play a Stevie Ray Vaughan song?
A. All of them, apparently.


Q: why dont guitarists play hide and seek?
A: because no one will look for them

Dord

Oh, found this one too!

Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and an insurance policy?
A: The policy will eventually mature and earn an income

kranog

I've so many of these!

Did ya hear about the band who locked their keys in the van?
They had to smash the window to get the drummer out!

What do ya call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its 'bill withers'

What's the difference between a Gynecologist and a Drummer?
A Gynecologist only has to deal with one cu_t at a time!

What do pirates and trumpet players have in common?
They are both murder on the high C's.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His Amp.

KevLeppard

What do you call a beautiful girl on the arm of a drummer??
A tattoo.

Why does a drummer leave drumsticks in the dashboard of his car??
So he can park in the handycap space.

What does a drummer use as contraception??
His personality.

thegrove54

this smart posh snob dies and goes to hell satan says to him "since you have been so snobby in life you must stay in hell with the dumbest of the dumb" satan brings him to the level 10 iq quarters theres people playing with their own filth and drooling all over the place. "Please satan not here" the man says so satan brings him to the minus iq's. They enter a room marked -50 and once locked inside his cell mate asks him "So what size sticks do you use???

DerKaiser

One of the worlds most prominent guitarists was in a horrific car crash, the only way his lfe could be saved was by removing 5/8s of his badly damaged brain, but he is said to be in a stable condition, is starting to communicate again and is progressing quite well on the bass

tubedude

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

...
One, but the guitarist has to show him how to do it...

lmahoney79

Papa Smut wrote: »

As we seem to be picking on drummers:

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

This is my favourite..........and im a drummer!

cazador

DerKaiser wrote: »

One of the worlds most prominent guitarists was in a horrific car crash, the only way his lfe could be saved was by removing 5/8s of his badly damaged brain, but he is said to be in a stable condition, is starting to communicate again and is progressing quite well on the bass

lol,that was my favourite one so far.I'm a bassist.

One day a son asks his dad can he get bass lessons and the dad agrees so he gives the son money and he goes to his first lesson.When the son comes back the dad asks what he learnt and the son replys "I learnt how to play on the E string".The next week the son goes to his second lesson and when he comes home the dad asks him again what did he learn and the son replys "I learnt how to play on the A string".The next week the son comes home again and the dad asks him what did he learn and the son replys "I didn't go to lessons,i was playing a gig with my band"

Dave H

Why did'nt Musician Inc sell drum stuff?
Cos it was Musician Inc,not Musician and friend.

(sorry to all you drummers :P)

Dave H

And to show I'm a good sport,a few guitarist ones.

How do you get two guitarists to play in time with each other?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between God and a guitarist?
God knows He's not a guitarist.

(A few of ye might'nt like this)
What's the best way to play a Telecaster?
With a kango hammer.

What's the difference between a guitar solo and a hurricane?
Nothing. You know it's coming, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

And my favourite...
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

Malice

This is a great idea for a thread! Here's one I read on another forum:

Why are all the Black metal bands grim and frostbitten?

Scandanavia is cold...

Sofaspud

A bassist quits a band, so one of the guitarists agrees to take up bass.

He finds out that to be a bassist, he'll have to get half of his brain cells removed, so he goes to the hospital for the operation.

When he wakes up, the doctor says "I'm very sorry to inform you, but we had some complications during surgery, and we've removed all but one of your brain cells!"

Then the guy says "Oh, that's no problem. Got any sticks?"

11811

Whats got three legs and an arsehole?








- A drum stool.:D

ham_n_mustard

Q: How many keyboard players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 100, 1 to change it and the rest to analyse how rick wakeman would have done it



Did you hear about the guitarist that locked his keys into his car? It took him an hour to get the drummer out.

ham_n_mustard

and one fairly long one.....

chap gets lost at sea, washes up on a desert island, natives take him in and feed him, nice place, but constant drumming is wrecking his head, morning and night it never stops. after a few weeks he cant take any more. he asks the chief of the tribe what the story is with the 24hr drumming, chief replies that legend says that if the drums ever stop, the island will befall a horrific fate. chap asks what could be so terrible. the chief says "bass solo"!

Captain Iggy

How many lead singers does it change a lightbulb?

One, he just stands there with it in his hand - and the world revolves around him

DerKaiser

I'm an equal opportunities slagger.....

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

Q. How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A. The knock always speeds up

Q. How do you tell if a singer is dead?
A. The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched

Q. What did the guitarist do when the singer told him to turn his amplifier on?
A. He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

FOGOFUNK

A guitarist breaks some strings, so asks the drummer to go and get some,

Drummer walks into the shop and asks for some guitar strings, the man behind the counter says

"Your a drummer arent you?"

"Yeah how did you know??!!"

"Because son, this is a fish and chip shop"



Or


How do you know if the drum risers are level?
The drummer is drooling equally out both corners of his mouth!

Jeff Albertson

DerKaiser wrote: »

I'm an equal opportunities slagger.....

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

Q. How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A. The knock always speeds up

Q. How do you tell if a singer is dead?
A. The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched

Q. What did the guitarist do when the singer told him to turn his amplifier on?
A. He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

Hey

Sorry but i just dont get the one about the bassist and lightbulbs-
A. 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

Perhaps somebody could help me out here?????

Dord

Jeff Albertson wrote: »

Hey

Sorry but i just dont get the one about the bassist and lightbulbs-
A. 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

Perhaps somebody could help me out here?????

They're commonly used progressions. The numbers refer to the notes of the scale. Some people write them in numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5... and so on) but a lot of the time it's in roman numerals (I, ii, iii, IV, V etc.). For example a 1-4-5-5-1 progression in E would be E-A-B-B-E.

BTW, how long have you been playing drums? :pac:

Black Thorn

Dord wrote: »

They're commonly used progressions. The numbers refer to the notes of the scale. Some people write them in numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5... and so on) but a lot of the time it's in roman numerals (I, ii, iii, IV, V etc.). For example a 1-4-5-5-1 progression in E would be E-A-B-B-E.

BTW, how long have you been playing drums? :pac:

Jesus, how did that one not click?!?....I'll get some sticks

Jeff Albertson

Dord wrote: »

They're commonly used progressions. The numbers refer to the notes of the scale. Some people write them in numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5... and so on) but a lot of the time it's in roman numerals (I, ii, iii, IV, V etc.). For example a 1-4-5-5-1 progression in E would be E-A-B-B-E.

BTW, how long have you been playing drums? :pac:

Dord,

Wasnt sure if it just wasnt funny or i just didnt understand it.

Thanks for the explanation, it just wasnt funny.

novarock

Q: Whats the difference between a 16 inch Pizza and a Drummer?

A: A Sixteen inch Pizza can feed a family...

this might get me banned:

Q: What does a prostitute do with her asshole before work?

A: Drops him and his drums off to the gig..

Dord

Jeff Albertson wrote: »

Dord,

Wasnt sure if it just wasnt funny or i just didnt understand it.

Thanks for the explanation, it just wasnt funny.

No problem.

I thought it was a bit funny although not everyone would get it.

DerKaiser

Jeff Albertson wrote: »

Dord,

Wasnt sure if it just wasnt funny or i just didnt understand it.

Thanks for the explanation, it just wasnt funny.

It was to me when I heard it, perhaps it's only funny if you get it the first time around

irishthump

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just stand there and steal everybody else's light.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Sure the the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

shto

Saint Peter turns up to work at the Pearly Gates one morning, and finds 3 new arrivals already there waiting.

"Right lads," he says, "to speed things up, just tell me what was your salary before you died, and your job title back on Earth."
First guy says "€200,000 - Insurance Broker". Peter jots this down, gives him his harp and sends him on his way.
Second guy says "€250,000 - Divorce lawyer". Again, Peter notes the details, issues the guy his harp, and on he goes.

Third guy says "Ehh....I suppose I made about 150 quid a week."

Peter says, "Cool. Did you play lead or rhythm?"

One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to see me. Good crowd!"

Then the drummer:
"Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we're going to make good money tonight!"

Then the Keyboard player:
"Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers."

Finally, the Bass player:
"E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E..."



Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?



How many Country bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Five. One. Five.

Flesh Gorden

what does a song writer do once he's dead?

he de-composes

thelastpartizan

Not a joke but funny all the same
After replying to a poster on here I asked, "where in dublin are you based?"
the reply: north dublin
me: where exactly in north dublin
the reply: near the train station