Advice please

Kid Curry

This could be a post for the personal issues thread but I dont want to post there because my missus is all over that forum and I dont want her to see this thread. So if you're a mod please just delete the thread rather than move it to personal issues.

Anyway, I may have given her reason to believe that I was doing the dirt. But here's the thing, for months my gf had been going through my telephone bill, hacked into my online account and had contacted girls that I was with in the past to find out if I was still seeing them. She even met up with one of them to find out what was going on, she also contacted my family after we had a blazing row over it and told them everything.

I'd like to get a mans perspective on the whole situation. To what extent is she entitled to snooping thru all my things like that, any advice on what to do i.e. stay or go?

Fajitas!

No, she dosn't have any right to go snooping like that, but the question begs, why did you give her reason to believe you were doing the dirt, and more importantly, were you?

If it's a no to that, then fine, but still, why would you let her think you were cheating? It's obviously going to make her want to find out, and bring a whole load of stress to the relationship.

Tbh, it sounds like a whole big mess. Either sit down and talk it out, or forget about the relationship...

veXual

She's not entitled to snoop through anything but being honest if you are in a relationship where trust is non-existant then there is no point to it.

The whole point of being with some one is the fact that they trust you, if she can't do this then your better off getting out now.

Teferi

The minute I'd found out she'd been snooping is the minute I'd walk out.

Relationships are about trust, reassure her of her concerns and provide reason and evidence (and I even think that is a bit much) if she is still unsure but her snooping is well across the line.

I think she well over-reacted in your case.

All the best.

Kid Curry

I text this girl I had been with before and she found the text and rang her. Whats worse is I used a second phone I had from ages ago when I was single. Unbeknowns to me my gf had found that phone previuosly and never said anything, she was monitoring any texts that were sent online.

Also, she found condoms in my room ages ago (unused) and there was a big issue over that, even though she keeps condoms herself.

She's done this on a number of ocasions by the way.
Checks my bills and rings any "suspicous" numbers, turns up at places when she's not with me to see if I'm really where I said i would be, rings my friends to check if I'm out with them, she also rang my football manager one time to see where I was when I went training and the battery in my phone had died, turns up at my apartment if I dont answer the phone. On two occasions she rang me after reading something on baords about a guy who admitted to cheating on his gf and she wanted to know if I had posted that.

As you can see she has some trust issues.

Wibbs

Kid Curry wrote: »

I'd like to get a mans perspective on the whole situation. To what extent is she entitled to snooping thru all my things like that, any advice on what to do i.e. stay or go?

Funny you say about a mans perspective. Generally I've noticed more women than men see this kind of snooping as somehow alright(you see that sometimes in RI). Some see it almost as a right. Usually not to this degree, though if youve given her reason to be suspicious I can see some of the reasoning behind it TBH.

I've had exes have a quick snoop through my phone and while I wasn't too happy I had nada to hide so... I had another go troppo over the fact I had a password on my phone and she insisted I tell her what it was. She wasn't forthcoming about her own so that didn't last long.


How do you put her mind at ease? This may be unpopular, but if it was me Id say fine, look through my phone/emails etc. I would say if you've really tried to put her mind at ease and you haven't been playing away and this doesn't stop then time for a rethink. Contacting exes and meeting them is way OTT in my humble. That's very controlling and needy behaviour.

r3nu4l

Fajitas! wrote: »

No, she dosn't have any right to go snooping like that, but the question begs, why did you give her reason to believe you were doing the dirt, and more importantly, were you?

Hammer. Nail. Head
If you weren't cheating why on earth did you give her a reason to believe you were?

If it's because you wanted to 'treat her mean, keep her keen' then all I can say is that's BS. There's no room in a relationship for games...unless it's monopoly, scrabble or jumping off the wardrobe and onto the bed...in your Batman costume

Teferi wrote: »

Relationships are about trust, reassure her of her concerns and provide reason and evidence (and I even think that is a bit much) if she is still unsure but her snooping is well across the line.

I agree that snooping is well over the line but to be honest if you play mind games with an insecure person that will only make them more insecure. She doesn't have a right to do this...but you have given her a 'just cause' in her view.

Think about it from her side: She suspects you are cheating...you give her reason to carry on believing that. She feels that she doesn't want to be made a fool of by being cheated on and so sets about investigating. It's bad news!

Sit down with her, explain that you're not cheating*, wouldn't cheat and that you understand her reasons for going through your stuff but that it's not right and has to stop.





*unless you are cheating, in which case just let the poor girl go, she's better off without that happening to her.

petes

Kid Curry wrote: »

I text this girl I had been with before and she found the text and rang her.

Why did you text this girl?

Fajitas!

Kid Curry wrote: »

I text this girl I had been with before and she found the text and rang her. Whats worse is I used a second phone I had from ages ago when I was single. Unbeknowns to me my gf had found that phone previuosly and never said anything, she was monitoring any texts that were sent online.

Also, she found condoms in my room ages ago (unused) and there was a big issue over that, even though she keeps condoms herself.

She's done this on a number of ocasions by the way.
Checks my bills and rings any "suspicous" numbers, turns up at places when she's not with me to see if I'm really where I said i would be, rings my friends to check if I'm out with them, she also rang my football manager one time to see where I was when I went training and the battery in my phone had died, turns up at my apartment if I dont answer the phone. On two occasions she rang me after reading something on baords about a guy who admitted to cheating on his gf and she wanted to know if I had posted that.

As you can see she has some trust issues.

Time to start walking. If you really feel you can make it work, sit down and try, but it all sounds like too much hard work for me.

Dr Galen

OP

serious question here, but why do you WANT to be with this girl? What are the good things about your relationship?

Beruthiel

Mystik Monkey wrote: »

OP

serious question here, but why do you WANT to be with this girl? What are the good things about your relationship?

Exactly.
I mean, if you are messing around (or whatever you are at) with an ex, then there is one of two reasons for that:

1. You are a cad.
Or
2. Your g/f is not the one for you.

As for the snooping thingie, bang out of order and I have no time for that whatsoever.

Your's Gentlemanly,
B

shellyboo

Kid Curry wrote: »

I text this girl I had been with before and she found the text and rang her. Whats worse is I used a second phone I had from ages ago when I was single. Unbeknowns to me my gf had found that phone previuosly and never said anything, she was monitoring any texts that were sent online.

Right, so, you went behind her back and did something you knew she'd go mental over. Well, that was silly. However, this...

Kid Curry wrote: »

Checks my bills and rings any "suspicous" numbers, turns up at places when she's not with me to see if I'm really where I said i would be, rings my friends to check if I'm out with them, she also rang my football manager one time to see where I was when I went training and the battery in my phone had died, turns up at my apartment if I dont answer the phone. On two occasions she rang me after reading something on baords about a guy who admitted to cheating on his gf and she wanted to know if I had posted that.

...is *insane*. Why do you put up with it? You shouldn't be texting exes if it upsets your gf, and you certainly shouldn't be doing it secretly from secret phone for lies, or whatever. But her behaviour eclipses that silliness. This girl is not mature or secure enough to be in a relationship.

If it were me, I'd break up with her. But you also need to do a little bit of improving yourself - no relationship that includes secretly texting ex-girlfriends is going to work out very well.

L31mr0d

It all comes down to trust, which your gf pretty much has none of for you.

Texting EX's is a non-issue in my opinion. My OH trusts me and I trust her. I have no reason to believe texts or emails to others will be anything more than just that, I expect the same level of trust. I don't think my circle of friends should be limited by whom my OH will and will not trust me with. The level of trust should be there that nobody is excluded. I personally wouldn't stand for any form of paranoia or jealousy from my OH, and I'd expect her to put me in my place if I started being a bull around guys she was talking to.

Snooping means the trust in your relationship has broken down. It seems to of devolved all the way down to paranoia on your gf's part. I can't really give you any advice, except if it continues and seems to be getting worse I'd recommend just ending it.

Kid Curry

Thanks for all the input. I guess it all stemmed from an original incident of me never being completely honest and her being insecure.

WesternNight

Kid Curry wrote: »

Thanks for all the input. I guess it all stemmed from an original incident of me never being completely honest and her being insecure.

It kind of seems like neither of you are all that suited to this (or any) relationship at the moment.

Khannie

Kid Curry wrote: »

any advice on what to do i.e. stay or go?

GTFO IMO. No way a relationship can survive (healthily) in the medium to long term with that kind of mistrust going on (whether it's founded or otherwise).

IvyTheTerrible

Snooping on any level (and this seems to be pretty high level snooping) is just not on.

I would not put up with someone monitoring my texts or emails.

It is a very bad sign that there is such a lack of trust and respect in your relationship.

I say get out and find someone who is more trustful.

CDfm

OP - I don't think that snooping is the end of the world if you gave her reason to be jealous.

I don't think its healthy but on a list of bad things to do would probably rate somewhere with having a internet porn account but not quiet as bad as running an internet dating account. So its forgiveable.In fact, it may even have been compulsive.She started checking and found she couldnt stop.

What I don't like is the phoneing bit. I think you have been duplicious but this went a bit far.

Now the ball is in your court. Do you like the girl. If it was me I would be wary but if you do like her and if in all other things she rocks your world you should discuss it. If it is the case that she can't see the harm in it and agree to stop it you should call it a day.

Now my girlfriend has the ability to hack all my stuff and I wouldn't have a clue. It probably wouldn't greatly bother me.

So the real thing is how you feel about proceeeding for the future. BTW do ask her how she accessed the passwords? BTW - I imagine intercepting phone records and texts is a crime under the Telecommunications Acts.

Aodan83

Far as I can tell, she started snooping well before she found the text (although using a phone you didn't tell her about!!) Ringing "suspicious numbers" and checking up on you to make sure you're where you said you would be is just too far. It just doesn't sound like it's worth the effort tbh.

Joey the lips

Snooping is always a funny word. For example i am mad about mu O.H if i caught her snooping it would not bother me cause i have nothing to hide. In fact i would get a buzz out of it. However if i caught her snooping all the time I would think her a little paranoid.

again however if i always feel the need to defend myself i either have a complex or I am up to something.

Like i said snooping is a funny word!

OldGoat

Lots of people saying that the gf shows no trust, dosen't trust etc. The OP has not earned her trust so pointing the acusatory finger at her is a bit harsh. She is fighting for a relationship that she sees as worthwhile in whatever way she can even if it does mean snooping.

Lay your cards on the table, give her your phone, give her your passwords, show her this thread, EARN her trust. If you can't do that then GTFO because ye two can't carry on like this for long. There is no base to build on in the existing relationship.

Mimikyu

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