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another thread about drinking

  • 11-09-2009 10:31am
    #1
    Phoenix_Rising
    Closed Accounts Posts: 95 ✭✭


    HI,

    need some advice, or maybe i just need to rant.

    My OH proposed to me on saturday. I am delighted, over the moon, i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

    but

    both he and i are recovering alcoholics. I have been sobar for almost 25 months. He for almost 18 months.

    He drank on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday, and yesterday. I knew he had drank, even though he was hiding it from me. He finally admitted it last night. He also told me that he drank 4 times in the last 18 months. Only for a day or a day and a half each time.

    I dont know what to do. I know that i still want to marry him, but i know that he needs help. He went to a year long alcohol addiction course, but it doesnt seem to have worked. He hates AA meetings.

    Where do we go from here.

    Im also so angry that he did this and that he lied. I will always remember the day we bought my engagement ring as tainted because i knew he had been drinking that morning. Im afraid though that if i get angry that will only make him feel worse about himself ( and i know he does honestly feel awful) and i know from my own experience that drink seems very appealing when you feel that sh*te about yourself.

    Any advice, anyone?


Comments

  • #2
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    This is rotten for you - you are right this day and anything related to it now will be tainted.

    If you really love him then you might have to take the hard approach.
    Hand him back the ring and tell him to return it for the reasons you mentioned above.

    Then insist he be an adult and take all the help that is out there - so what if he doesn't like going to AA - tough...

    Once he is confident of his recovery and stable for say 1 yr - or a time of your choosing then and only then if he still wants to marry you will you consider accepting his proposal. - so new ring etc.
    This way you will have a ring with the right feelings - the pride in him that he has turned his life around; the love that he could do this - not just for you but more for him.

    As you know - also recovering - he is jeopardizing your long-term recovery here too... This is utterly selfish of him - yet another trait of the addicted.

    I think you are great though for sticking to your guns and not falling back on this. As a child of an alcoholic I think that you are wonderful for doing this. :)


  • #3
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Hi OP.

    You as a recovering alcoholic know that being a facilitator is the worst thing you can be. If you marry this guy now, when he is not in control of his illness, it is facilitating him.

    Call off the engagement and tell him that he MUST get control back and keep it back for a year before you will proceed. This is the best thing you can do for him.

    After that, if he succeeds and you marry him, remember that it is a lottery what happens after that - especially if there are kinds involved. In my view you need to tell him straight out before the wedding that if he falls back to drink, you WILL kick him out without hesitation. He needs to know that he has lines he CANNOT cross. Again this is th best you can do for HIM.

    All thebest


  • #4
    Dizzyblonde
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 12,110 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dizzyblonde


    VaioCruiser wrote: »
    Call off the engagement and tell him that he MUST get control back and keep it back for a year before you will proceed. This is the best thing you can do for him.

    I have to agree. Hopefully he'll get control back and then you can move forward with marriage and the rest of your lives. I really do hope it works out for you, take care of yourself.


  • #5
    Jaeger 90
    Closed Accounts Posts: 104 ✭✭Jaeger 90


    Drinking four times in 18 months doesn't make you an alcoholic


  • #6
    Phoenix_Rising
    Closed Accounts Posts: 95 ✭✭Phoenix_Rising


    Jaeger 90 wrote: »
    Drinking four times in 18 months doesn't make you an alcoholic

    Of course it doesnt :rolleyes:


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  • #7
    iguana
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,917 ✭✭✭✭iguana


    OP, I know you go/have gone to AA yourself, but have you considered going to Al-Anon to help you deal with his drinking? I don't know how aware you are of alcoholism from the perspective of the partner of the drinker but getting angry at them is just about the worst reaction. It tends to re-enforce the drinkers behaviour as they can channel their anger and disappointment with themselves for drinking on to you for not understanding them. At al-anon you could learn strategies for dealing with him that are aimed at helping you, but often have the effect of helping the drinker too.

    As for his current drinking, AA and 12 step programmes don't work for everyone. What did his year long course involve? Did it include counseling? Is it possible that he could deal with the stress which is now causing him to drink by talking to a counselor? Does he have any other outlets for dealing with stress? Perhaps you could offer him some alternative options? If he has tried AA and doesn't like it, it could be counter-productive to suggest it too often.


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