Domestic Violence

LegacyUser

I need someone's advice here...
I have being going through alot in the last couple of years...my father turn very violent when he has been drinking (which is every other day). He takes his anger and frustration out on me and my mother...my mother refuses to do anything about it and I don't want to be a punch bag! I have got the guards out to the house on one occasion...but there was little they could do because my mother wouldn't say anything against my father....
So now I'm stuck in an awkward position...I have a younger sibling living at home and both my brothers have moved out to different ends of the country and I have moved out as well...I don't know now what I can do to protect my mother and sister...
I'm even struggling at the minute, I have been taking anti-depressants now for several months and have been drinking heavily...I have gone to numerous councelling sessions but I havn't felt that I've got anything out of them...I'm basically trying to cover up the past and its horrid bruises...
Can anyone please advise me on where to go from here????

OS119

Hi OP,
sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds pretty ****.

personally i'd take concrete steps, don't allow yourself to stay a victim of your father (and mother), you know what the problem is, you know what the solution is, so become the liberator of yourself and your sister.

consult a lawyer or advice body about your sister being made a ward of court and coming to live with you - you'll need to compile a list of every single event in which your father used violence, or threatened to use violence, against you, and then make a formal complaint to the Police demanding action and to social services regarding your sister and your fears for her.

sounds harsh, but forget your mother: if she chooses to get beaten up thats her affair, but in allowing it to happen to you she's as guilty of abuse as your father.

save another, and you save yourself. good luck.

username123

Hi OP,
The only adult you are responsible for looking after is yourself. Your mother is an adut and has choices too and if she chooses to stay in that environment there is nothing you can do about it - hard as that is.
Your sibling you can help - more about that in a minute.
Your father - he has choices too and if he chooses to exercise them destructively then you cant change that.

You cannot change your past and the horrible things you have experienced, but you can deal with it and move on as a stronger person. First of all I would suggest you contat Alanon and start going to meetings. Its a support group for people affected by someone elses drinking. It helps. You can also bring your sibling to meetings with you. Counselling is a good idea but you need to be ready to let go of the past and start dealing with to get something from it.

If you think you would be interested in giving Alanon a shot you can google the information and phone them to find out about a meeting in your area. The meetings are nice - Ive been going for years on and off, there is no pressure, you dont have to say anything if you dont want to or you can spill your guts - its up to you. The people are nice, many of them will have experienced similar things and will be able to relate to you or you to them and you find a level of undderstanding that you just dont get from someone who hasnt shared similar experiences. It also helps to put things in perspective to meet others with similar stories. And you learn the tools to deal with both the past and the present. If you want any more information feel free to ask me on this thread or to pm me, I would be happy to assist.

Its very very important that you do not feel as though you are alone, please do not feel you cannot talk about this and about your past, post here, feel free to pm me, tell your counseller, go to a meeting and tell - but do not bottle it up, it only festers inside and makes you feel worse.

No doubt right now you have a number of conflicting emotions, anger, frustration, worry, shame, fear, lonliness etc.. Thats ok too - its ok to feel a million different emotions, you have been through a LOT.

Believe me there is a way forward, you need to know that you will come out the other side of this.

Try to cut down the drinking yourself, it wont be helping. Alcohol is a depressant.

Most of all talk to someone, here, on the phone, face to face - whatever way you are comfortable. Let it all out - you will feel better if you do.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry for the delay in my reply...I've being trying to process a few things...
I have kept and dated a note book of all the things he has done to us over the last number of months, which looking back over I cannot tolerate any longer and as a result I've moved out...But even since doing so I've found that I've being drinking now more than ever and have been getting next to zero sleep....
My sister has been on the phone to me on and off telling me of whats going on at home and I'm starting to feel worse now that I've moved out and left her behind. She has assured me that he hasn't touched her, but as I know my mother was lashing out at me because she wouldn't be able to physically lash out at my 'father'.
I did show up at an alanon meeting but I just coundn't go in the door, I feel so broken and I don't think there is anything more I can do...the guards wouldn't do anything without my mothers word, so I'm pretty lost.

Curnacrieve

Hi OP. Go to the Legal Aid Board. There are a couple of trakcs that you can go down including a Protection Order, Barring Order or Safety Order. If your Mam won't leave or approach the Courts/Guards herself then there is very little that you can do for her but you can help your sister. The Legal Aid Board deals with family law and domestic violence all of the time adn are generally very helpful although it may take a while to get an appointment.
Try not to be too hard on your Mam she has suffered for years and it sounds like the violence has become normalised. When she sees you springing into action she may suprise you and break the cycle.
Also contact Social Services a minor does not have to suffer actual violence to come under their protection the threat of violence, emotinal abuse and being a party to regular violence are all reasons for intervention by Social Services.
What about your older siblings can they help, or are they willing to help at all?

wexford202

domestic... wrote: »

I'm sorry for the delay in my reply...I've being trying to process a few things...
I have kept and dated a note book of all the things he has done to us over the last number of months, which looking back over I cannot tolerate any longer and as a result I've moved out...But even since doing so I've found that I've being drinking now more than ever and have been getting next to zero sleep....
My sister has been on the phone to me on and off telling me of whats going on at home and I'm starting to feel worse now that I've moved out and left her behind. She has assured me that he hasn't touched her, but as I know my mother was lashing out at me because she wouldn't be able to physically lash out at my 'father'.
I did show up at an alanon meeting but I just coundn't go in the door, I feel so broken and I don't think there is anything more I can do...the guards wouldn't do anything without my mothers word, so I'm pretty lost.

I am very sorry to hear about your sad situation. I really feel for you and your younger sister.

Your mother has probably put up with a lifetime of this from him. She will most likely put up with it until the day she dies. There is nothing you can do to change that.

What I would do is copy your notes. Tell your little sister to pack her things and get out wither to yours or your brothers. Leave the copies of the abuse accounts there for your dad to read.

Say on a note that will no longer see him abuse your family both verbally and physically. That although your mother is willing to put up with it you can no longer see your sister suffering. If they even try to take her home I would say that I have handed in all th original accounts of assaults etc into the guards and one phone call and your dad will be arrested and charged.

If you are worried about money please don't let that play any factor in your decision. I am sure your brothers would help out and there are allowances that you will be able to get to help you through.

Maybe when your mother is at home on her own she will cop on too and see the sense in leaving.

Taltos

Pls be careful OP with the booze.
You really don't want to go down that road.

You will not be judged in those meetings - and while the first few will be tough it will help you realise you are not alone in all this.

Please reconsider...

LegacyUser

Op, you need to stop drinking yourself. Your situation will not improve if you continue drinking. Take it from me, who suffered years of abuse from an alcoholic mother, my life is so much clearer/better/happier without alcohol.

You could probably talk to your mother til you are blue in the face, she has to make up her own mind. My father is the same, he is my mother's prime enabler, but can't face saying no to her or standing up for himself.

I think you should take control of your own life, make sure you offer your support to your mother and sister and leave them to their own lives. Hopefully they will follow your good example.

LegacyUser

I really appreciate your replies, it means alot to know someone out there is listening to me. I have taken measures with the gardai before, but it's yet to get me anywhere. I feel partly to blame for allowing for this to carry on for so long...I should have done something earlier!
I am going to try as hard as I can to stop drinking, I feel just as bad as my father drinking all the time and how can I look after my sister like that!!
The relationship between myself and my brothers has detoriated over the last number of years and I am not quite sure as to how they would react to the situation, would I be better off not getting them involved at all???
I appreciate the fact that my mum has dealt with this abuse for so long....I've been dealing with it for the past fifteen years but surely there comes a stage where you've got to stick up for your family, dosen't there????
I will try al-anon shortly but I feel as if I need to get things into perspective first. How should I go about doing this???

username123

Just a word on Alanon, I felt the same as you for a long time, wanted to get things in perspective, was being reckless about my own drinking etc.

The thing is, when I started going - it was Alanon that put things in perspective for me. I really think if I hadnt started going I might not be alive now - things had become that serious for me, I had stress related illness, was emotionally a mess and I was behaving self destructively.

The hardest part about going was the first meeting. I got a friend to come and at the end we both legged it. But I knew I wanted to go back and it was easier the second time round.

You are not going tobe able to tackle everything at once, the key is one step at a time. Go to Alanon, get some support, cllean up your own drinking, consider what to do about the guards, find out how to help your sister.

From experience the siblings you have lost contact with wont be much use, but you can try to get help if you like.

The hardest part altogether is going to be detaching from your mother who no doubt seems to be a victim in all of this, but you are not responsible for her decisions, despite being the person to suffer consequences of her decisions and she has her own choices to make.

Youve already done a hard thing coming to boards and starting to talk about what is going on. Please get some more support, if not Alanon, then phone the Samaritans, go for counselling specific to alcohol related issues, do some research on the things you have experienced.

Look up words like ACOA, co-dependant, enabler, and have a read of this:
http://www.theharborhhi.org/Content/amgrf.pdf
It might help give you an insight into the family dynamic you have come from and help you to understand yourself.

Most important of all, have hope, I was in a terrible terrible state because of my own fathers alcoholism, I could see no way forward, I felt completely trapped. I wanted to die, or I wanted him to die - I could not see any solution that did not involve someone dying.
I went to Alanon and got my life back. I met others there who did the same. There is hope.

LegacyUser

It's nice to hear of someone that has come out the other end!
I am going to go back to alanon, this week all going to plan. And this time I'm not going to chicken out at the door, I'm doing this for my sister as well as myself.
Being honest, over the last while I've been on meds for depression due to the current situation not that anyone knows but I have considered ending things on numerous occasions! Some how I got to this point, I have gone to a councellor but I have never raised the issue...I just felt that I couldn't. It wasn't him, it was me!! I can't simply come out with the words...
I will get there eventually though!:)

username123

domestic... wrote: »

It's nice to hear of someone that has come out the other end!
I am going to go back to alanon, this week all going to plan. And this time I'm not going to chicken out at the door, I'm doing this for my sister as well as myself.
Being honest, over the last while I've been on meds for depression due to the current situation not that anyone knows but I have considered ending things on numerous occasions! Some how I got to this point, I have gone to a councellor but I have never raised the issue...I just felt that I couldn't. It wasn't him, it was me!! I can't simply come out with the words...
I will get there eventually though!:)

You WILL get there. It IS possible to come out the other end of this horrible time. All things change, and how you feel right now will change too.

You should try not to be afraid to speak about wanting to end it all, its way more normal than you realise, and a natural reaction to the kind of trauma youve been through, seriously, think about this situation from the outside looking in, a person goes to a doctor or counseller and says 'im considering ending it all' - what do you think happens? They most certainly do not dismiss you or not take you seriously. This listen and with a lot of gravity, they will do their utmost to help you and make you feel that life is worth living again. Most importantly they want to know why you feel that way and make you understand that its because of things beyond your control that you feel that way but there are ways to deal with these horrible things that will help with how you feel about yourself, and help you to cope. So dont be afraid to talk about it, you wont be judged. Anyone in your position would feel the same way, its post traumatic stress tbh.

I hope you do get to an Alanon meeting, dont think any further than just getting in the door and getting your bum on a seat, thats all you have to do. There is no pressure to say or do anything. Just sit there. Its just an hour on a seat in a room - and no one is bothered about you, or looking at you, or trying to make you do anything, the people are just smiling and welcoming in manner and they let you get on with whatever is a comfortable level of interaction for yourself. Plus you can leg it if you want to (but you wont).

LegacyUser

I am already starting to get things in perspective with that reply. I need to get myself sorted before I can help anyone else.
I am going to go to a meeting on monday afternoon, I'm not trying to put it off but I'm down south at the minute!
I am also going to go back to the doctor to see if she can help with my anxiety issues and go back to my councellor as well and this time I'm not going to hold back!
Thanks!

username123

Well youre no use to anyone else when youre not in a good state yourself. If you get your own head together you will be very surprised how clearer things become. I thought I had no choices, then I went to Alanon and I found out I did have choices, they werent easy, but they were there, I just couldnt see them before - its not llike anything external changed, but I changed.

I think you should defo go to your doc and counseller and hold nothing back - sure no point in paying them to help and then not letting them help!!!

Youre gonna be ok, its just going to take some work on yourself, but at the moment you dont know how to start helping yourself. Once you find out how to do that things will start changing for you.

And just so you know, loads of people at Alanon will have turned to drink (or drugs) themselves because they were in such a bad place, and loads will have thought about ending it all, some may have tried it. Nothing you say there will be judged (I used to say all the time that I wanted my father to die, or me to die, or how much I hated him for wrecking his own and everyone elses life) and no one ever batted an eyelid.

Anyway - I think youve already done the first hard bit, making a decision to make some changes. The next hard bit is actually doing something to make those changes happen (meeting, doctor, counseller), but guess what? Theres no hard bits after that - its just stuff you do to make you feel better and you dont mind doing it cos it feels good!`

You'll no doubt go through a range of emotions on your journey back to a healthy place, anger, fear, frustration etc... but none of it is as bad as being in stasis, wishing something would change. Nothing is as bad as the place before you get the help you need.

laura l

my heart goes out to you, OP, it really does.

if you ring al-anon you can speak to them over the phone and tell them your story before you go to a meeting and get a bit of support that way as a first step, and feel more comfortable about going to a meeting then.

is there a support thread on boards for people dealing with alcoholism i wonder? i think it would be very helpful if there was one as the advice i have read so far from other posters is very clear and helpful and there are many people in this situation.

username123

laura l wrote: »

is there a support thread on boards for people dealing with alcoholism i wonder? i think it would be very helpful if there was one as the advice i have read so far from other posters is very clear and helpful and there are many people in this situation.

Ive often thought itd be worth having Alcoholism Issues as a sub-forum off Personal Issues (the same way Relationship Issues is done).

How does one go about making a suggestion like that to the mods of boards?

LegacyUser

I have been to a new doctor there today and I have explained the situation to her. She was very kind and helpful. It was just like all of a sudden everything came flowing out and of course I was balling in tears!
But after letting it all out it felt so much better. She has arranged some kind of therapy for me, along with going to alanon and starting to take new meds.
As for the drinking, I've now been two days without a drop, which in itself I suppose is a start, still havn't got any sleep yet though. So, I hope I can carry on like this...
I am going to try and start looking at the positives from now on, maybe looking at the negatives was driving me insane all the time...
Thank you all for your replies....

username123

Thats great to hear, well done for making moves in the right direction, Im delighted to hear the doctor is helpful and nice.

Id say you feel way better for expressing yourself, its like a poison to keep it bottled up inside, just festers away making you feel awful, letting things out feels so much better.

Well done on the not drinking, if youre not sleeping you should think about trying some exercise, something that'll tire the body out and help you sleep - will also release good endorphins and help the mental state!! Maybe a swim or a good walk or something like that? Whatever youd be into yourself.

Is it that your mind is keeping you awake all the time? I used to call it 'voices in the mind' even though the only voice was my own constantly going over and over things and stressing and trying to figure ways out etc...

LegacyUser

Yea it just feels so much better to have spoken directly to someone about this issue. Like it's gone on for years and years at this stage and I suppose there's no better time than the present to seek help and hopefully move forward in a positive light...
At night, it's more the thoughts thats going through my head from the past that constantly keeps me awake. It's kile reliving a nightmare all over again. I'm more physically and mentally tired in the morning than before I go to bed thats how bad things have got for me and I just recently started having panic attacks which kind of made me come onto boards and express myself and so far, thank god, I got the advice I needed.
Thanks!

username123

You'll be glad to hear that when you start talking about the things you have been through that the thoughts will stop going through your head at night. The more you express it the more you will mentally deal with it and they will become just memories as opposed to going round and round in your head bothering you.

The panic attack thing is what got me moving on doing something about it too. I used to get this pain in my chest and all breathless and I didnt know what was going on so Id get scared and that would make it worse. I never told a doctor about it (or about any of the stuff going on), but a while after the panic attacks started I began going to Alanon, and they just resolved themselves. Some time after that I told my doctor but at that stage I was starting to work things out and didnt need medical intervention, but she did give out to me and tell me that she could have helped more if Id told her before I started to sort it out myself!!! At the time I just couldnt though, I was too eaten up trying to fix things and running on nervous energy trying to survive day to day.

Its good to know that you are feeling more positive about things. I know you have been posting unregged, but if you ever want to pm me about anything using a registered name then feel free and be assured your anonymity is safe.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much! I do have an account on here so I will let you know how I get on!
Yea I was having really bad chest pain(thought it was an astma attack however it wasn't). I couldn't breathe, was shaking constantly and had a cold sweat....
I'm glad now that I've sought help, it can only get better from here! Just wish I had done it earlier.
I'm going away now tomorrow to start my new college course on monday, so I'm hoping now that if I try to move forward with something like this then I might get my life back together..As for sleeping, well it's freshers week next week without the alcohol...so maybe the sleep can wait until next weekend!
Thanks again!!

SLUSK

domestic... wrote: »

I need someone's advice here...
I have being going through alot in the last couple of years...my father turn very violent when he has been drinking (which is every other day). He takes his anger and frustration out on me and my mother...my mother refuses to do anything about it and I don't want to be a punch bag! I have got the guards out to the house on one occasion...but there was little they could do because my mother wouldn't say anything against my father....
So now I'm stuck in an awkward position...I have a younger sibling living at home and both my brothers have moved out to different ends of the country and I have moved out as well...I don't know now what I can do to protect my mother and sister...
I'm even struggling at the minute, I have been taking anti-depressants now for several months and have been drinking heavily...I have gone to numerous councelling sessions but I havn't felt that I've got anything out of them...I'm basically trying to cover up the past and its horrid bruises...
Can anyone please advise me on where to go from here????

Why does she not leave him, if not for her own personal safety she should do it for the safety of her children.

LegacyUser

SLUSK wrote: »

Why does she not leave him, if not for her own personal safety she should do it for the safety of her children.

Do you not honestly think it would have been one of the first avenues I would have tried!!!
She has been putting up with this for over 15 years and it's now come to the point that this is normality for her...

I have sat down with her on many occasions and explained to her what I wanted her to do...but she just wouldn't!

username123

SLUSK wrote: »

Why does she not leave him, if not for her own personal safety she should do it for the safety of her children.

Its not as simple as that. People who are in co-dependant and/or violent relationships are not thinking rationally. People dont go from a normal healthy relationship one day and wake up in an abusive one. It builds up slowly, over a number of years, with various methods employed by the abuser, manipulation, bullying, fear etc. The situation grows around the person and each boundary push makes the accepted level of normality more abusive, but these tiny steps are invisible to the person stuck in the situation. There is a massive destruction of self esteem which means that emotionally the person in the situation is just not strong enough to change it. They are not seeing it as we are seeing it. They have no perspective because their normality for so many years is from inside the situation. They also continually hold a hope that things will change. Usually they are too busy dealing with day to day survival to have time or energy to think about a way out.

The best analogy I can use is the frog in boiling water, if you drop a frog into boiling water he tried to jump right out. If you put him in cold water and heat it by degrees he will stay there until he boils to death.

It is easy for an outsider looking in who has no experience with abuse inthe family home to think that it is as easy as walking away. It is not. If it were everyone in this situation would walk. In most cases social and financial dependence is also created by the abuser, he will have helped to cut off avenues of escape, the person in the situation will have been too ashamed to speak about whats going on at home, will have had friendships discouraged and will not have worked outside the home so has no access to money.

Its an awful situation but one that many people find themselves in without help.

At least the OP has managed to help themselves. It takes remarkable strength of character to do that.

username123

How are things OP - did you manage to get to a meeting?

LegacyUser

Hi,
Yea I managed to get to a meeting there on monday....I thought I was on my own until I went, but it turns out there's more than me going through a tough time like this!
When I went home for the weekend it was just like a total repeat performance, there was no getting away from it!
I am still having a fair bit of trouble with my own alcohol issue, I went to a Doc and she didn't think that I had a problem(yea, like a half bottle of vodka a day is good for you now!!!) So, I think I'm going to have to go somewhere else and get sorted out, but finding someone can be difficult....
I went to a councellor as well and she reckons that I have an issue with this, so we going to get this sorted the next week...
Thanks

username123

Hi OP,
I know, its mad when you go and realise theres loads of other people who can relate!! I think thats part of what helps - knowing youre not on your own and that someone else 'gets it'.
If you think a doc isnt listening then either go to a different doc or maybe ring some of the alcohol help places (like the Rutland Centre or even AA helpline) and ask them who would be best for you to see or talk to?
I think once you get all the other stuff under control the rest will follow, youre probably just so low that you need the escape - but if you feel its an issue then you are right to seek the help before it becomes a problem in its own right.
Do you need to go home every weekend? It might be an idea to start distancing yourself more if you can. Especially right now when youre trying to get your head straight. Think about it.

laura l

username123 wrote: »

Ive often thought itd be worth having Alcoholism Issues as a sub-forum off Personal Issues (the same way Relationship Issues is done).

How does one go about making a suggestion like that to the mods of boards?

i think that's a great idea, who are the mods on this forum? i think it would be a brilliant resource and base for constructive advice.

op, glad you have taken positive steps with this, i agree with minimising the weekends home if possible, will only drag you down. are you dependant on home for money i.e. college etc?

username123

laura l wrote: »

i think that's a great idea, who are the mods on this forum? i think it would be a brilliant resource and base for constructive advice.

I suggested this on the feedback forum but the mods didnt think it was a good idea.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Yea I'm not getting on too bad. Unfortunately, I'm home for the weekend.

I am dependant on home for financial reasons, yes a poor student!!

So far it's not going as bad as I had thought! But we will have to wait until tonight...

I have decided to work away from home so I wouldn't have to travel a very long distance every weekend, which so far has me wrecked tired and will probably be in the same form going into college on monday after the long journey late sunday night!

I will be more than glad to limit contact from home, it will give me a bit of clarity and hopefully a different perspective on this current situation which my help my own alcohol issue and also help me get one step ahead with college instead of being the usual ten steps behind....

I will keep you all posted on my progress, I am really grateful for all your help and advice and I have now decided as well to go to alanon twice a week for now just to help get myself sorted.

Thanks again!