when to start/stop having kiddies

LegacyUser

hi there,

any advice for me. it so annoys me how people esp women are always talking and worrying about their biological clock and hear i am thinking about it just recently.!!! i just wanted to get things right. i have my life partner but we young enough still , we have talked of marriage but have both said prob in 2-3 more years- ish, we still getting careers sorted and are quite sensible bout all that so would not marry and have kids until financially ok to do so and each have stable jobs. i would like prob 2-3 kids, i dont know yet really. but what age would one want to start(men and women) and what age would it be risky ? id like to hear peoples own stories thanks

Moonbeam

When I was younger I would have thought having your first over 30 was terribly old but it is normal and I think the average age in Ireland is 31.
I think when you can afford them,have experienced life a bit and feel you are ready for them despite age within reason, is when it is right:)

ebmma

we started at 23 and 26.
It is not perfect time, but we realised it is never going to be perfect. We are together 4 yrs, married for 2 and really happy.
No perfect jobs yet, but we have money to provide the essentials, so it is ok with us. Do not own the house yet, but in current economic climate and given our occupations that might take years or decades and it is not worth putting our lives on hold.

I think this is entirely dependent on the people.
I personally didn't want to be over 30. I am healthy and ttc was fun, rather then overmanaged and stressfull:-)
There are pros and cons to every age. You can have kids relatively early and still be quite young when they are teenagers and get your own independence back when you are still quite young.
Or you can have free life until 35-40 and have kids then, but will be retired while they are going to college.
So there's no rules really. The only thing is the risk of some abnormalities is higher for older women, but you can get tested for those.

kelle

Age to start - 30
Age to finish - 40

Well, that's for myself. My cousin had perefectly healthy babies at 42 and 43.

BostonB

The risks increase a lot once past 35 I think. Also you have to factor that if you have problems it may take longer than you think. Not every pregnancy is successful. When you are younger, you simply have more time in hand, to get past problems, and also you're physically more able, especially with the lack of sleep. Then even with all the planning in the world, things happen, people financial and other situation may get worse rather than better, or maybe other commitments come up to impact on your time. Also grandparents are younger and better able to help. However its different for everyone. Its a very random thing.

candy-gal1

between 32 and 40

once youve done everything youve wanted with your partner, achieved everything youve wanted to, and are settled.:)

Khannie

candy-gal1 wrote: »

once youve done everything youve wanted with your partner, achieved everything youve wanted to, and are settled.:)

You can achieve things and do stuff with your partner after having children. I do it all the time.

Hellrazer

We had our first when I was 23 and my wife was 24.

We had been married 2 years before we decided to start a family and it happened really quick for us.Then there was the 7 years of infertility when we decided to adopt and then 2 more in quick succession.

So between 23 and 34 for me and 24-35 for my wife.

As as Khannie says you can still achieve stuff when you have kids.My wifes back in college next month and Im hoping to go back in November.Both part time mind you but it was always planned that when the youngest was 18 months we`d get on with things.Just one example of being able to achieve anything you want when you have kids.

hallelujajordan

I had mine relatively early, based on today's norms. . first at 29, second at 31. .

The one observation I would make is that ttc is not always as straight forward as you would hope. . . Also the risks really start to increase post 35. . . The only advice I would give to people is to give themselves enough time should things not go as quickly as you would like . . And by that I think you really ought to start trying at atround 30 if you really want a family of 2-3

littlebug

I had my first at 32 and second just short of 35. had I started younger I may have considered having more. As it was by the time the youngest was out of the baby phase and taking into account how long it might take to get pregnant the idea of being close to having another one at close to 40, along with the associated risks, didn't appeal.

pubpub

I think it is a very personal thing but early mid twenties i think is ideal. The thing is a previous poster said you just don't know if there will be any problems - you might think you are going to have a family at x years of age but could be two or three years before it happens. Personally speaking I think a woman is fitter and in better physical condition when they are younger to go through pregnancy and labour - but that is just an opinion.

Crea

It is a personal thing. I had my 1st at 33 and my 2nd at 34 and my last at nearly 38. I have to say having 3 very smallies at the age of 38 was shattering. In my experience I would say to start in your late 20's if you want 3 to allow yourself to space them out if you want. Also, I know there are a number of women who have healthy babies later in life but I was nervous at 38 and wouldn't have had one any later.

Dublin_Gunner

Well in my humble opinion, better to have them younger, while you are still full of energy, and more capable of dealing with the stresses and strains of bringing up a child.

Plus, when they're grown up, you'll still be young enough to go and do all the things you want to, without having to worry about your zimmer frame

But thats just my opinion. I had my first at 23, and my partner is now pregnant, so I'll be having my second before I'm 29, and delighted

wexford202

My first is due to arrive when I am 26. I will hoepfully be finished by 30.

My sister is 4 and now considering having one or two.

The risks are higher for down syndrome etc over the age of 35. There are however risks involved at all ages. I would say anytime before 35 or 36 is grand.

It's different strokes for difefrent folks OP so whatever is riht for you do it.

deisemum

I had my first when I was 29 and my second when I was 31. I got pregnant straight off each time and fortunately it worked out the way I'd hoped.

I'm glad I didn't have them any younger as I did enjoy having a few years of living life as I pleased without having to consider children who may have restricted me in some ways or feeling I was missing out on anything. Having had a few years of working, buying a home, getting married, the recession of the 90's in the UK didn't entice me to consider starting a family until we were financially ok.

Now my lads are 14 and almost 12, we've our mortgage paid off and enjoy doing things with them.

You can plan as much as you like but life doesn't always go to plan.

Khannie

deisemum wrote: »

the recession of the 90's in the UK didn't entice me to consider starting a family until we were financially ok.

Interesting one that...I wouldn't let finances get in the way of children....I would have (and I think everyone considers finances when family planning's on the cards) but I was talking to my boss in my last job one day and he told me how he was from a large family and that if his parents had sat down and done the sums they would have definitely decided that they couldn't afford that 5th or 6th child, but the children arrived and still they got on grand. Nobody went hungry and nobody went unclothed. Ever since then I've always thought "ah sure feck it...one more wont break the bank".

In case it's not obvious, I want LOADS of kids.

deisemum

Khannie wrote: »

Interesting one that...I wouldn't let finances get in the way of children....I would have (and I think everyone considers finances when family planning's on the cards) but I was talking to my boss in my last job one day and he told me how he was from a large family and that if his parents had sat down and done the sums they would have definitely decided that they couldn't afford that 5th or 6th child, but the children arrived and still they got on grand. Nobody went hungry and nobody went unclothed. Ever since then I've always thought "ah sure feck it...one more wont break the bank".

In case it's not obvious, I want LOADS of kids.

Well we had a big mortgage and back in the early 90's we were paying back almost £1000 per month which was a lot back then and my husband was a self-employed carpenter so money was tight and I worked 2 part-time jobs on top of my fulltime job. I didn't mind that but we only put off starting a family for a couple of years but the recession was only one part of it, fear was another.

After I had my first lad I went back to work when he was 6 months old and didn't do a full week until he was almost a year old then when he was almost 16 months we moved back to Ireland and I took a few years out to stay at home and be a stay at home mum. It helped that I got a year's salary through voluntary redundancy when I was moving back to Ireland.

I found deciding when to try for the first one more difficult than the second one

Hellrazer

Well we`re at 4 now and honestly Id love another one maybe 2.

Still have to convince my wife though :D

ebmma

Hellrazer wrote: »

Well we`re at 4 now and honestly Id love another one maybe 2.

Still have to convince my wife though :D

Just out of curiosity, why another 2? Is it the baby/toddler stage you'd like to re-live again or is it just fun to watch them grow up?

I'm having my first next spring and really not into babies and toddlers, already looking forward to it becoming a bit older so I just wonder how other people feel :-)

misspiggy40

ebmma wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, why another 2? Is it the baby/toddler stage you'd like to re-live again or is it just fun to watch them grow up?

I'm having my first next spring and really not into babies and toddlers, already looking forward to it becoming a bit older so I just wonder how other people feel :-)

Ah ha!!! Not into babies and toddlers!!!!

Me neither. Even to this day. But when I laid eyes on my own first baby I thought I would burst with love!! Believe me, it will be all there in your heart when your baby comes. It is mother natures little trick to make us think we might be immune. Boy is she laughing at me....three times laughing. Oh yes and after you have had the first you worry that you will never love the next one as much.....your heart just gets bigger to accommodate each installment. (But I am still not into other peoples. shh)

CathyMoran

If I were doing it again I would have kids in my 20's - was with my to be husband and looking back I feel like a total fool for waiting...you do not know what will happen in life...waiting to start in your 30's seems way too late (unless you have not met the right person yet)...my mum had us in her 30's and I feel that we missed out on extra years with our parents.

BostonB

ebmma wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, why another 2? Is it the baby/toddler stage you'd like to re-live again or is it just fun to watch them grow up?

I'm having my first next spring and really not into babies and toddlers, already looking forward to it becoming a bit older so I just wonder how other people feel :-)

I thought the same. I don't now. Not sure why. Some people don't change.

Sigma Force

It's a personal thing but also common sense not to wait until your past 40 just from a physical level but then you will get the occasional person who is still having kids after 40 with no problems.

Although I deffo think people are mad to have them young though unless you are financially secure it's madness.

I had ours at 22 which in my opinion is a ridiculous age to have a child too young, don't care what anyone says you're not mature enough in any way at that age it's madness.
Plus financially it's rare esp. nowdays to have a mortgage at that age. Only upside for us is that we did buy a house back then within a couple of weeks of her being born so we got on the property ladder. Saying that had to move to the middle of nowhere.

Certainly not in a financial position to have anymore ones enough for some people (frankly can't understand why people put themselves through all the sleepless nights and financial strain of more than a couple of kids lol but each to their own).

She's 10 now so half reared already it's great on the up side of having a kid young I'll be celebrating (or hiding) my 40th when she's celebrating her 18th.

I think it's more to do with where you are in life rather than age at the end of the day.

Saying all that aparently the best age health wise I'm talking about, to have a kid is between 21 and around 28..aparently..

foxy06

I got pregnant at 19. Had just finished the leaving and everyone thought I was a fool...even me. I moved in with my partner and it was a real struggle. I really was not ready for kids and neither was he (26 at the time). We decided to have another 2 years later though (may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!) and now the two boys are 5 and 7 and the absolute best of friends. I enjoy every moment with them and watching them grow up was wonderful. I went back to college and then I married their dad last year and I'm now expecting our 3rd boy in 3 weeks. I can honestly say I would not change a thing about my life. I have a good job, wonderful husband and cosy home. I am so lucky to have this family and I'm glad now things happened the way they did. 3 kids at 27 might sound shocking but I am the happiest 27 year old in the world:D

Hellrazer

ebmma wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, why another 2? Is it the baby/toddler stage you'd like to re-live again or is it just fun to watch them grow up?

Honestly I think its the above.Its great to see them grow up into little adults and the highs and lows of it.

I look at my 2 younger ones and see how close they are--ok they might kill each other over certain toys(we`re buying 2 of everything now and Santa will be doing the same;) ) but really they`d be lost without each other.

mumto3

I got pregnant at 16,had my first just after my 17th bday.Im just turned 26 now and have 3 kids.Alot of people tended to judge me for my age rather then my parenting skills and willingless to learn as i grew.I made some small mistakes,which i then took on board for my second and third child,as do all parents,whatever their age!!!Unfortunatly,they dont come with a handbook!!!
I feel there is no 'perfect' time to have kids,as with anything else in life.It is what works for you personaly,and when it comes to me,i couldnt be happier.It ment i missed out on so much when i was a teen,but I also had the benifit of being independent and i feel i am doing a pretty good job.My son is 9 now,my two daughters are 6 and 3.
Somewhere along the line i would like to have 2 more but because i started young,i have plenty of time.
People are very quick to judge when it comes to haveing/raiseing kids,but if it works for the parent and the child is happy and healthy,i dont see an issue in age.

BostonB

mumto3 wrote: »

I...because i started young,i have plenty of time....i dont see an issue in age.

Therein lies a contradiction.

mumto3

bostonb...it isnt really a contradiction,it is reality...at a certain point a womans body will start to slow down,it isnt safe to have children ect,all i meen is that i would like another 2,preferbly before that happens,and being 26,i have(hopefully) plenty of time.
I personally dont want to be 50 and expecting again,after raising kids since i was a teen,but some woman do,and have done and that was fine for them,therefore age was not an issue:)

ebmma

Guineapigrescue wrote: »

I
I had ours at 22 which in my opinion is a ridiculous age to have a child too young, don't care what anyone says you're not mature enough in any way at that age it's madness.

On the bright side, you are young enough to remember yourself as a kid and how it felt (hopefully, anyway) nad have a chance of being more understanding.

I would personally be weary of having a kid really late in life ("after everything else is achieved" like some people say) and turning him/her into a last long-term project/investment. Also it's nice to give them a sibling or two.

I'm an only child and won't inflict that on anyone.

ebmma

foxy06 wrote: »

I got pregnant at 19. Had just finished the leaving and everyone thought I was a fool...even me. I moved in with my partner and it was a real struggle. I really was not ready for kids and neither was he (26 at the time). We decided to have another 2 years later though (may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!) and now the two boys are 5 and 7 and the absolute best of friends. I enjoy every moment with them and watching them grow up was wonderful. I went back to college and then I married their dad last year and I'm now expecting our 3rd boy in 3 weeks. I can honestly say I would not change a thing about my life. I have a good job, wonderful husband and cosy home. I am so lucky to have this family and I'm glad now things happened the way they did. 3 kids at 27 might sound shocking but I am the happiest 27 year old in the world:D

That's a lovely story, foxy :-)

BostonB

mumto3 wrote: »

bostonb...it isnt really a contradiction,it is reality...at a certain point a womans body will start to slow down,it isnt safe to have children ect,all i meen is that i would like another 2,preferbly before that happens,and being 26,i have(hopefully) plenty of time.
I personally dont want to be 50 and expecting again,after raising kids since i was a teen,but some woman do,and have done and that was fine for them,therefore age was not an issue:)

that's a bit like saying because some on run a marathon at 50 everyone can. Obviously there are many variables. But age is definately an issue. There a big difference between 26 and 36 nevermind 46. Your body just doesn't recover as fast. You'll need more sleep have less energy. The human body is designed to have kids young for a reason.

Moonbeam

ebmma wrote: »

On the bright side, you are young enough to remember yourself as a kid and how it felt (hopefully, anyway) nad have a chance of being more understanding.

I would personally be weary of having a kid really late in life ("after everything else is achieved" like some people say) and turning him/her into a last long-term project/investment. Also it's nice to give them a sibling or two.

I'm an only child and won't inflict that on anyone.

I have to agree,I wouldn't either.

Dublin141

We had our first at 21, second at 23 and our third and fourth at 25. I would love more but I dread the thoughts of being pregnant, I'm not good at pregnancy. We had our children young for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we loved each other and wanted to start a family together (obviously) then when we had our first, we tried for over a year to get pregnant with our second. I had doubts that we would be able to have another but I got pregnant almost straight away and was delighted to discover it was twins.

Secondly, I was concerned with time and health. There are quite a few fertility problems in my family and some of my family members have gone through the menopause in their 20's. We were afraid we would miss our chance as it were and also neither of us wanted to have a baby in our 30's or 40's. That's fine for other people, we wanted to be young parents. I don't think I would be a great mother of toddlers in my 40's.

The third factor was my career. I worked in a government funded employment agency before I had my children. I saw a huge amount of women who came in struggling to find work in later life. Lots of them had given up their careers to have their babies, then when the children were in school they attempted to re-enter the workforce only for their skills to be out of date and their age to be a negative factor. I figured my best option was to have my family young and still be young enough when they went to school to get back into the career I wanted and on a promotion track.

Everyone has their own reasons for starting/stopping. It's up to you to find your own way. My decisions wouldn't work for some people just as other people's decisions wouldn't suit me. There is never the perfect time financially. My only regret is the ridiculous amount of money I spent on my first child on must have items that I never used. :rolleyes:

Noffles

It's a difficult one this, have them young and you'll miss a load of cool stuff that you could of done in your twenties, have them in your forties and you'll be crappy old parents that other kids laugh at.... and yes they do that!

So I would think very early thirties is your window and that's it, have your own good life then use your thirties to bring up kids, then by the time your in your late forties they're moving on and just in time for you to be "young" enough to enjoy a little more life..

PullOutMethod

I'm a 41 bloke and my wife is 35.
I have 2 daughters, 2 years old and 10 months old (Irish twins as they say )

As a Dad I spend every minute of my day I am not in work with them (apart from one round of golf a week).
I have missed every single sporting event / TV event for the past 2 years.
Who cares - what is more important watching your kids first steps / words or some crap on TV ?

Sometimes I am physically tired, but it is worth it.
The only thing that scares me is if both me and my wife became ill or injured.
But even then I guess there would be family to help out.

Yes kids cause pressure on ones relationship, but if you are rock solid and love each other whats the problem ?

In a couple of years we will probably go again (touch wood).

Parenting is the most amazing experience of my life.

nesf

Honestly, I'd tend towards the argument that it's best to have them younger if possible, purely to get the horrible sleep deprivation of the early years over and done with when you're young and have more energy.

That said, to each their own and all that.

afterhours

I think 24-25 is a nice age, you don't want to be 40 and taking care of a new born. you'd probably wont have the energy that a 24 year old would...

i know when i'm 40, i'll be damn happy my son will be 16... i hated the getting up at 2am everynight.. and the toddler age.. spare me!! hahaha

i'm still studying, i'm married for 2 years.. son is 15 months now.. no job cause of the ****ty recession... travel alot back to where i come from (canada) though.. husband makes a good wage..

etc..

it's alright now, cause they are alot of work..

i have about 5 years of post secondary education (irish:third level) behind me... thank god!!!