Reading text messages

LegacyUser

With my g/f 1 year. Over the year she's been reading my text messages which I had no problem with. I've tried to read hers twice the 1st time she grabbed her phone off me then there last weekend she took the phone off me and said she just wanted to checked the phone to make sure there was nothing on it I shouldn't see. She saw I was looking at her most recent messages and done this and then the same again when she noticed I had went to her least recent messages. When I asked her why she done and said this all she said is "I don't know".

Now I'm suspicious and wondering whether to keep this relationship going or to just call it a day now.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

squonk

She may be a private person and see it as an invasion of privacy but after 1 year it's maybe less so. All the same, if a gf did that to my phone I'd probably complain about the privacy issue and not 'Oh I just want to check and make sure there's not anything you shouldn't see'. Personally if I was on the level I'd be miffed but there'd be nothing to hide and I can personally say that any texts would be from mates who my OH would know. Not saying she's seriously up to anything but perhaps she's keeping her options open and is seeing if soemthing else comes along?

puglover

Yeah I wouldn't be going ending the relationship just over this.

For example I grabbed my phone off my bf the other day when he was looking at pics. I'd been texting one of his mates about his birthday present and wanted to make sure I'd deleted them. I'm sure it looked weird the way I just grabbed it but it was a reflex action.

It could be something very innocent,she just might be a private person. If she was for example texting some other guy wouldn't there be other indicators?

dirtydress

squonk wrote: »

Not saying she's seriously up to anything but perhaps she's keeping her options open and is seeing if soemthing else comes along?

I'd say this is definitely what's going on. There's no reason she should keep her phone from you if shes constantly looking at yours. It seems like a bit of a telling sign that shes keeping tabs on your texting activity most likely because she's got something to hide with hers. Not that she's flat out cheating but possibly a bit flirty with her texts.

After 1 year she shouldnt be hiding stuff from you especially silly things like texts, I'd confront her and if she's not willing to give you an answer id be packing my bags.

puglover

dirtydress wrote: »

I'd say this is definitely what's going on. There's no reason she should keep her phone from you if shes constantly looking at yours. It seems like a bit of a telling sign that shes keeping tabs on your texting activity most likely because she's got something to hide with hers. Not that she's flat out cheating but possibly a bit flirty with her texts.

After 1 year she shouldnt be hiding stuff from you especially silly things like texts, I'd confront her and if she's not willing to give you an answer id be packing my bags.

You're making a whole lot of unfounded assumptions here. Lots of people are private about their phone and there is nothing wrong with that. Adults in a relationship don't have to share everything.
Say for example my friend texted me about a personal problem she was having. Do you think my bf should be entitled to see that just because he is in a relationship with me?

OP from what you've told us, at worse she is hypocritical in that she believes she can look at yours but you can't look at hers. You need to talk to her about this if you think there is more going on.

Sharlovesjohn

My boyfriend is extermely private with his phone and facebook etc making sure not to leave it open where i could see turns out he was mailing other girls and had texts from an ex asking to meet up weekend i had planned to go away with my sister i was sooooo hurt by this i hate liers and although he said nothing was going on witht these girls or his ex saying I didnt believe him got up and walked didnt have a car at time waiting at bus stop and he came after me crying and begging for a second chance saying it was an ego boost and hes not a cheater I took him back with terms he had to agree to i now have access to everything facebook the lot his phone but it drove me mad i still dont fully trust him and its 5 months later although nothing has happened again for me to doubt him we live together now and things are better then ever If i was you ask her out fully why she wants to keep things from you but as it fine for her to go thru your stuff then something is wrong privacy or not thats not right my bf is apart of my life and we feel what's his is mine and mine his

sachamama

I just wonder why its ok for her to read your text messages but not ok for you to read hers.

privacy works both ways. my husband and i respect each others phones and do not read each others texts. but if we want to show each other something thats a different story.

you cant have boundaries like that where one person is allowed do something the other person isnt. that might be more of an issue than the actual content of the texts.

OS119

Text Message wrote: »

Now I'm suspicious and wondering whether to keep this relationship going or to just call it a day now.

i don't know if there's a cheating issue, but for me there's a massive respect/hypocracy issue regardless of whether she's playing away. if after a year in a relationship she believes its entirely reasonable for her to look through your phone/emails/bank account/diary/whatever, but not for you to look through hers, then i think its fair to say that she doesn't see this as a relationship of equals.

sorry, but thats a no hoper...

Wurly

Why are you reading each other's text messages in the first place?

ManOfMystery

OS119 wrote: »

i don't know if there's a cheating issue, but for me there's a massive respect/hypocracy issue regardless of whether she's playing away. if after a year in a relationship she believes its entirely reasonable for her to look through your phone/emails/bank account/diary/whatever, but not for you to look through hers, then i think its fair to say that she doesn't see this as a relationship of equals.

sorry, but thats a no hoper...

+1

The potential cheating is one issue, but double-standards in a relationship is another issue entirely.

Tell her she needs to be upfront and honest with you (as you are with her) or the relationship may end up going nowhere.

LegacyUser

I honestly don't know why we read each others text messages. She started reading mine so I thought it would be alright if I read hers. Up till now I thought we were completely honest with each other, we always said no lies or secrets. But I just can't accept her saying "I don't know why I said that" and "I don't know why I checked my messages". If she can't let me read her messages she must have something to hide and now I feel like a fool cos I've kept my side of the deal up till now.

SarahSassy

I always find that the people who obsess and constantly think about infidelity do so because its constantly on their own minds and would not always be a reflection on your behaviour…. Don’t trust the ‘non-trusters’ – they are typically suspicious of others because they are likely to be unfaithful themselves.

Wurly

Text Message wrote: »

I honestly don't know why we read each others text messages. She started reading mine so I thought it would be alright if I read hers. Up till now I thought we were completely honest with each other, we always said no lies or secrets. But I just can't accept her saying "I don't know why I said that" and "I don't know why I checked my messages". If she can't let me read her messages she must have something to hide and now I feel like a fool cos I've kept my side of the deal up till now.

Well you are right to have no lies/secrets. But that doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to privacy.

I really do feel that if a person isn't 'allowed' be who they are and have their privacy, then they WILL lie and cheat.

Going forward - I don't think reading each other's texts is a good idea. Let her have her privacy with regards to her texts and ensure that you get the same consideration from her.

Let the whole thing go for now. If there is something suss going on, it will come out. It always does in the end.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

I always find that the people who obsess and constantly think about infidelity do so because its constantly on their own minds and would not always be a reflection on your behaviour…. Don’t trust the ‘non-trusters’ – they are typically suspicious of others because they are likely to be unfaithful themselves.

this is a very general & stupid statement to make when you don't know all the facts. A lot of people are "non-trusters" because maybe they have been given reason not to trust their OH's... For eg. the OP here would have every right to get suspicious that his GF checks through his texts without a thought and is being a hypocrite when he goes to check her phone.
i would be suspicious as well. Why else would she grab the phone out of his hand?

Nervous Wreck

Why, in the first place, does she check your messages?

SarahSassy

1512unreg wrote: »

i would be suspicious as well. Why else would she grab the phone out of his hand?

Why would she start checking his messages unprompted at the very start if she was not suspicious and have cheating on her mind???

I dont check my OH's messages and I have been cheated on and hurt before... I dont accept the 'damaged' by an ex argument - stay single til you can trust the new partner and if you cant trust them then move on.