What would you do? Abroad, ex visiting.

LegacyUser

I need a few opinions... I have made a big mess of things. Basically I am studying abroad for the year and have a boyfriend (well, I did have one) back in Ireland. We broke up before I left, but he was very distressed in the first few weeks of me being here, and I hadnt yet settled and was seeking home comfort so we decided to remain together, or as 'together' as people can be 22,000km apart.

So skipping ahead, he bought a ticket to come see me, the bones of a grand. We spoke often and was fine except for he would fight with me over boys in photographs and getting drunk etc.. Anyway, last week I kissed another man. My bf asked me upfront as he does after every night out if I had kissed anyone and I didnt lie, as I have never lied to him. He flipped (understandably) and dumped me (understandably).

I apologised but cannot give him assurances because 1. I feel like I want to be free (not something I felt before) and 2. after things that were said in the time since, I'm not so sure we're right for each other. Anyway, he tried to cancel his ticket but its both non refundable and non transferable. He is still saying he will come but will travel around and preferably avoid me. Sometimes he says he will still come to me when he's here.

I've been in contact with family and friends and they are urging me to stay away from him after the things he has said to me, but I feel that I have equally hurt him, and I do not want to screw him over more than I already have by telling him to stay away. We have IM'd every day since and while it is civil occasionally it often descends into petty jabs. He will be here for 3 weeks... in 8 weeks...

I'm not sure what to do. Keep contact and try make peace? Cut contact to let him get over me, have him here as a friend? Encourage him not to come and give up the ticket? Encourage him to come but not visit me, and have him travel alone? He's very distressed about the situation and combined with my work load at the moment I'm a wreck at best. Thanks for reading everyone.

sachamama

It sounds like you were ready to end it and he emotionally blackmailed you into getting back together but you didn't want to.
and when you kissed someone else he realised you didnt actually want him anymore and lost his head and dumped you.
yet he has a ticket and he is coming over regardless.

Dont you think its his choice to travel on the ticket or not?

are you going to put your life on hold for 8 weeks? not meet anyone new? 8 weeks is a long time....

puglover

My advice, cut contact and don't meet up with him. Leave him to do his bit of travelling and if he tries to arrange to meet you tell him no.

You might feel you are doing some good and alleviating some of your guilt if you meet up with him but you'll just be making it harding for him to get over you.

Taltos

Both great advice here.

Cut contact immediately.
He talked you back into going with him - despite you wanting something else.
He bought the ticket
He kept asking you if you kissed someone - trust issues much
He is trying to make you feel bad...

Good riddance I say. Get on with your life. Cut him out and be safe.

OS119

^^^this^^^.

you broke up with him and moved to the other side of the world, that should have been an indicator to him that you didn't want to be with him. if he then chose to spend a €k on a non-refundable flight after acting like a complete knobber - regardless of whether you'd kind of got back together, then that's his idiot fault, and of no concern to you.


my advice? email him and tell him you don't want him to contact you again, and that you will refuse to see him should he knock on your door. you could suggest some touristy stuff he might enjoy while he's in country that would keep him a long way from you - you may also look at talking to your friends about 'swapping flats' for the few weeks he's around, just in case he gets a bit dodgy.

LegacyUser

8 weeks is a long time.

Email him and tell him it might be better if you have no contact for the next 6 weeks. let things settle down and then make contact again shortly before he comes out and see how you both are feeling.

11 weeks (the 8 til his trip and the 3 weeks of) is a big chunk of a year, you should be knocking the most out of the experience and not spending your days on the computer getting into rows with him and having it hanging over you the rest of the time.

You could have met the love of your life by the time he arrives, so could he (My ex did 6 weeks into a summer abroad anyway!) But neither of you will get much out of life if this is the constant theme for the next 2 months.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for all your replies.

Sachamama: Yes it is his choice to travel on the ticket of course. However, I know in my position I would be very unlikely to not travel having forked out the cash, the destination being as cool as it is, and the fact that this trip has been something I'd been looking forward to for weeks. I'm not intending putting my life on hold for 8 weeks, but I just am unsure whether I should attempt to make amends with him so he'll enjoy it more when he is here. Without my attempts being construed as wanting to get back with him, if you get me. I guess I was ready to end it, I just hadnt been focussed majorly on the relationship because it was so abstracted from my daily reality here.

Puglover: The thought of him travelling around by himself distresses me slightly. He wasnt particularly motivated by travel, his reason to come out was to visit me. I dont have the heart to tell him no if he wants to see me. Would you disagree that I owe him the opportunity to talk in person?

Taltos: It was more of a mutual thing to get back together, I wouldnt say I was talked into it. I was content at the time however as time passes here I find myself feeling differently, perhaps its the distance, but perhaps not. He is trying to make me feel bad, and succeeding. I understand he is crushed though.

OS119: It was his idea to break up before I left. I was quite upset about it in fact because going off with new men was not one of my motivators to apply to study abroad despite what he might think. As for it being no concern of mine that he booked the flight.. He says that if i had been having reservations I should have expressed them at the time of him booking it. Which is fair enough. But I hadnt been feeling the urge to be free until much more recently.

Anonanonandon: "Email him and tell him it might be better if you have no contact for the next 6 weeks. let things settle down and then make contact again shortly before he comes out." - This is what he actually proposed. I agree that I should be spending the time making the most out the experience, and I intend to. Not going to row either. When he starts to pick a fight I just log off...

When I think about it I suppose I just hate being the bad guy, want to make things right so i dont feel guilty anymore. We have been together for over 2 years and I want to do right by him, because he is not a bad guy. Anyway sorry for the length of the post guys, thanks for all your help.

squonk

TBH he sounds like a bit of a whinger. 'If you had been having reservations... ' come on! you were moving a very long distance away. He had right to see how you were going to get along long distance before booking anything. He doesn't like travelling... what age is he? He sounds a bit helpless. How long were you going out? Obviously he'd be distressed after a breakup but you are getting on with your life and it sounds like he isn't. There's a lot of blame and grief coming your way from him that you don't deserve. You actually sound very together and independent. He was a lucky guy to have you, pity he never learned anything from you by the sounds of it.

SheRa

opinionspls wrote: »

We spoke often and was fine except for he would fight with me over boys in photographs and getting drunk etc.. Anyway, last week I kissed another man. My bf asked me upfront as he does after every night out if I had kissed anyone and I didnt lie, as I have never lied to him. He flipped (understandably) and dumped me (understandably).

I apologised but cannot give him assurances because 1. I feel like I want to be free

Op thats not normal to be constantly asked by your boyfriend if you kissed anyone on a night out. Its bizarre and insulting.

Im not surprised that you want to feel free, Id say that you feel constrained alright.

I think that he will come over and try and get back with you ( I know that he broke up with you, but consdiering he still wants to come over says a lot). When that doesn't work he will try to make you feel guilty and by the sounds of what you've said will be verbally abusive again.

If he had any dignity he wouldnt be coming over. If it was me Id do everthing to change my ticket and if I couldn't Id fly in to the city you are staying in, stay in a completely different place, not contact you and not be in touch again.