Broken or free?

LegacyUser

Hi there, advice gretly appreciated.
I'll try and keep this short. Oh left in June after 10 yrs, 7 married. I asked him to go but he had said he wanted out and was planning leaving in July anyway. He said there was no-one else.
I was I thought still in love with him, but since his departure, even though initially heartbroken really seem at peace, for want of a better phrase. No real anger unless I feel he's not looking after kids? Where's the rage, am I just explaining everything away instead of feeling it? Am I just emotioned out?
This really unsettles me as have heard recently he has someone else, (don't really care, if am honest am somewhat relieved???) Never truly felt he was in the marriage 100%.
Am I broken/damaged or am I on the mend already? Am I just happy to blame him?
Have history of a couple of long term broken relationships, am worried that am playing victim or settling and not addressing the part i had to play in relationships breakdown.. Even councillor commented on lack of rage/hate.... Whats wrong with me?
Not as short as i intended sorry and thanks for reading.
LL

OS119

Hi OP,
actually, i think you're doing very well. you're not playing the blame game - you couldn't care less - and you're just sorting out the practicalities of the break-up of a partnership.

the 'how dare he/she not love me anymore' stage doesn't achieve anything and prevents you from clearing up the mess and then getting on with your life, that you aren't experiencing it - and after 3 months you would have if you were going to - is nothing but a good thing.

good luck.

Taltos

brokennumb wrote: »

Oh left in June after 10 yrs, 7 married. I asked him to go but he had said he wanted out and was planning leaving in July anyway. He said there was no-one else.
LL

So - common agreement - so no real reason for any bitterness etc here.

brokennumb wrote: »

I was I thought still in love with him, but since his departure, even though initially heartbroken really seem at peace, for want of a better phrase. No real anger unless I feel he's not looking after kids?
LL

Again the breakup was mutual and something you wanted so you had more than likely already subconsciously dealt with the emotions - eg regret / sadness / loss or anger.
Also the fact that you can get angry over the responsibilities to the kids shows you are not emotionless. Just show emotion where necessary.

brokennumb wrote: »

Am I just emotioned out?
This really unsettles me as have heard recently he has someone else, (don't really care, if am honest am somewhat relieved???) Never truly felt he was in the marriage 100%.
LL

You could be - just drained from 10yrs in a relationship where in the back of your mind you knew (you really did) that he was not in it 100%. I think I would be feeling relief round about now...

brokennumb wrote: »

Am I broken/damaged or am I on the mend already? Am I just happy to blame him?
LL

No and No. You just need time to really take it all in. Try not to dwell on it and try not to get into a routine of daydreaming or focussing on it. Take some time to write down all your feelings about this relationship, different incidences etc and burn it. Don't leave it around - so make sure you destroy it. This will help you bring the buried feelings to the surface and in writing it all down you will maybe accept or see the full range of emotions you have been having.

brokennumb wrote: »

Even councillor commented on lack of rage/hate.... Whats wrong with me?
Not as short as i intended sorry and thanks for reading.
LL

Gawd - are they hoping for a Norman Bates to walk thru their door?
We are all different.
Right now chances are you are either in a bit of shock and internalizing your feelings or you could have already processed them all over the last while before you decided to end it.
If we were all cookie cutter life would be quite dull. Take some time for you - spoil yourself a little as from your post I can see hints of melancholy here - basically you need to do something for you to make you feel special again - getting the feeling that you have not been spoiled in a while - and this was his job - it should have been his pleasure to make you feel wonderful (I might be totally off the mark here)...

The anger might come later, but some of us are different, my dad for instance - never ever showed anger or rage, he was like some vast lake that all of those feelings never broke free of. He could though show love and warmth for his kids, esp in little ways - buying us ice-cream cones on rainy days etc I am sure you are showing this for your kids - so trust me - as a kid who had a father like this - your kids are v lucky

Don't doubt yourself, you have been through a loss and it will take some time to readjust. Hopefully you will meet someone who is worthy of you and who will commit 100% to you. So stop worrying about these other relationships - water under the bridge.

sachamama

as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Dont be worried about what a counsellor says to you. Just be yourself. life is too short to analyse everything, release yourself and give yourself permission to be alive and to enjoy life again without feeling like you have to grieve or something, when your heart really isnt in it.