Should I stay or should I go?

LegacyUser

Been with my current boyfriend a couple of years. Living together now.

It hasn't always been rosy but we've ironed most problems out and were pottering along quite nicely.

I've barely even looked at another guy since we started going out. But a few weekends ago I met a guy who I fancied like crazy. I have not felt this way about anyone except my boyfriend, since we started going out. I didn't let anything happen because I consider cheating a terrible thing to do to another person but now I can't get him out of my head. It's really thrown a spanner in the works for me, mentally!

It's made me re-examine my relationship and I realise there are a few issues like my current boyfriend doesn't really make me laugh very much and isn't the romantic type at all. Sex is down to once or twice a month. And I fear we're slipping into being friends more than partners.

Should I take this as a sign to work harder at my relationship or a sign to leave?

Thanks in advance

Wibbs

I would say it means you fancied someone, but that this should help you reexamine and revisit the good parts of your current relationship. If it's after that it's found wanting then the reason to leave may be more valid.

In my humble this is a very common one. Usually around the 3 year mark. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, girl stops looking at other guys. Time marches on and the pash fades a little as these things will. Girl notices new guy, sees this as a big sign that she must leave current relationship, on the principle of "if I really loved him I wouldn't fancy anyone else". Rinse and repeat. Men can do this too, but again in my humble men tend to compartmentalise their horniness and attraction for others a little more and go less on gut(that can bring it's own issues too). I've seen enough people jump ship at moments like this and regret it later, or just go into another relationship and as I said the same thing happens with that one.

I'm not saying that you don't have to always work on a relationship, but I would think more on it and why you fancy another guy. Is it just because you're so used to each other, past the honeymoon stage and into the long term stage and you're missing the excitement, or is it something more fundamental that's missing from your current relationship. You've outlined problems you feel are there, so can they be dealt with?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Been with my current boyfriend a couple of years. Living together now.

It hasn't always been rosy but we've ironed most problems out and were pottering along quite nicely.

I've barely even looked at another guy since we started going out. But a few weekends ago I met a guy who I fancied like crazy. I have not felt this way about anyone except my boyfriend, since we started going out. I didn't let anything happen because I consider cheating a terrible thing to do to another person but now I can't get him out of my head. It's really thrown a spanner in the works for me, mentally!

It's made me re-examine my relationship and I realise there are a few issues like my current boyfriend doesn't really make me laugh very much and isn't the romantic type at all. Sex is down to once or twice a month. And I fear we're slipping into being friends more than partners.

Should I take this as a sign to work harder at my relationship or a sign to leave?

Thanks in advance

Hi OP. Firstly I would say to you that it is perfectly normal to fancy a guy from time to time in a relationship. It doesn't mean anything except that you still have red blood coursing through your veins.

What really matters here is that it has forced you, in a good way, to reassess your relationship.

Nothing you say above indicates that you should either stay or go. I say that because it really depends on what YOU want out of your life and out of your relationship. It does sound like it has settled. Is that what you want ? Are you happy to live your life in this relationship ? one without a lot of laughter, one without much sex (and with a lot less in the coming years) ?

You haven't said that you LOVE your bf. Do you still love him ? Love him enough ?

I think you should take time and really ask yourself if this is a crossroads in your life where you either settle for what you have or get out there and
demand more. It is up to you.

All the best

kjl

talk to your b/f. I don't think its fair to break up with him when you haven't even spoken to him about these problems that you have. Most girls get crushes or fancy someone when they are in relationships, Wibbs can tell you that for certain, everyone has problems in relationships, but they are never settled without talking about them.

Tell him exactly what you said her, something has caused you to re-evaluate you relationship with him and in your opinion the problems are that

1. you don't have sex (this is an easy one to resolve)
2. You feel like you are becoming friends more then lovers
3. He doesnt make an effort to make you laugh anymore.

If he is rude and not willing to discuss the problems, maybe it is time to move on, but at least give the guy a chance.

Wibbs

kjl wrote: »

Tell him exactly what you said her, something has caused you to re-evaluate you relationship with him and in your opinion the problems are that

1. you don't have sex (this is an easy one to resolve)
2. You feel like you are becoming friends more then lovers
3. He doesnt make an effort to make you laugh anymore.

If he is rude and not willing to discuss the problems, maybe it is time to move on, but at least give the guy a chance.

+1 but I would avoid mentioning this other guy. Even the most level headed men and women can react very badly to talk of other people. It may well put him on the back foot(I would admit as a bloke this would throw me a little. Maybe from past situations). Better to just have a sit down to discuss it, but don't dwell on what brought you there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

Yeah, I know it's normal to fancy other people but to be honest in the years we've been together, I never felt so strongly attracted to another guy. I could see other guys were good looking etc but this is something new.

I will definitely have to sit down and have a talk with him. Hopefully this is just a re-evaluation because I hate break-ups but you're right that I can't keep going if I'm not happy.

Argh! Why can't life be simple?