Does this Happen??

LegacyUser

Really feel like a fool!! Have been kinda seeing a girl for the last few months...she was know to town and didn't know anyone else really, anyway nothign major just having a laugh, and a few kisses and cuddles..
Thing is i fell for her a bit, really liked her and i suppose i became a bit of a doormat...i do this at times i think, when i like someone i'll do anything for them, tis just who i am, don't really see that much wrong with it, i like to treat ppl well.

Anyway had a candid convo last week and she said she doesn't see me like that, i am really important to her but she only wants a friendship...fair enough you might say at least she is honest...BUT

For the first couple of months she said she wasn't wanting anything serious as she was just oout of a long term relastionship..I asked her 3 to 4 times was i wasting my time and did she want me to give up on her in that way, she replied no each time saying she needed time etc. but i wasn't wasting my time,

My conclusion now is that she was using me cos she did'nt know anyone here...she said the other night that she knew deep down from the start that she didn't want anything....I mean i have an email from her telling me she did like me too and that i would get what i want (i.e end up together) she has kept stringing along for months all because she was on her own in a new town, I mean do people actually do this....i cannot fathom treating someone so badly, i mean its turning my stomach here thinking I have fallen in love with someone that saw me as this..

So my Q really is would someone (normal) actually prostitute themselves (not the right word cos we never sealed the deal) but she said she just wanted to mess around have a few kisses etc. and see what happens just so they would have someone to have a few drinks etc. with during a week...it just seems to make my feelings for her so cheap and wasted....as i said i feel like an utter fool!!

puglover

I really don't see what the girl has done wrong. She was unsure from day one which it appears she was up front about. Now she's made a decision which again she has told you about.

I can understand why you are disappointed but just because she doesn't feel the same way about you doesn't mean she has done something wrong

shellyboo

Doesn't sound like she did it maliciously, OP... she wasn't sure what she wanted, and she told you that - now she's more clear about it and realises she just wants to be friends. Sounds like she gave it a good chance to work - in fact it sounds like she really wanted it to work - but in the end, she had to be honest with herself.

She's set you straight now, all you can do is move on. Just because she doesn't like you in that way doesn't mean she led you on or is a bad person.

LegacyUser

Well i think that telling someone who is obviusly mad about them that you like them too and then saying that you never did kinda sucks....I mean era i dunno, maybe im just tryna make myself dislike her so that it doesn't hurt so much...

She says now that she wants to be friends and that i mean alot to her, thats just not fair, she knows i love her...ive told i cant do it, we spent the night together at elec pic on friday and had the most amazing time (both of us), cuddling in the car her saying that her family and friends would love me, that im so good to her etc. i mean i know there is something there, im not just imagining it i can see it in her eyes,

Then on Sunday i kinda went off in a huff bit upset i spose and drunk...i get a txt "you've got the love, pls come back".....i mean im tryna not read into things anymore but what are ya supposed to think of that, said it to her the next day, avioded the Q....i know she's gonna go back to the ex who from what shes told me is a controlling manipulative ass who doesn't appreciate her anywhere near enough!!! her family all hate his guts, now ive never met the guy im only going on what she's told me...

Ah well she's moving away at the weekend, so we just gonna go for dinner on friday and that'll be it, told her i have to cut contact, and try to move on, her birthday is in a cpl weeks so ive ordered a big bouquet of flowers to her home and a note saying i miss you....that'll be the last she ever hears from me....was trying to be annoyed at her hence the 1st post this morn, can't make myself tho...even tho i know it would make it so much easier for me.

LegacyUser

unreg2406 wrote: »

Thing is i fell for her a bit, really liked her

and i suppose i became a bit of a doormat

i like to treat ppl well.


So my Q really is would someone (normal) actually prostitute themselves

You fell for her, she gave it time to get to know you and realised she didn't have feeling for you.

Being a doormat probably had a big impact on her deciding not to want a relationship with you.

Now you show your true colours and turn nasty because you don't get what you want.

That's why woman don't like nice guys/doormats, they know most for these are not actually nice, but insecure and lack confidence, and they will turn nasty and lash out when they eventually get rejected.

finbarrk

And life goes on. She didn't do anything wrong, it's just time to move on and find someone else. You are probably young so there is plenty of time for you to find someone special.

lolli

unreg2406 wrote: »

I asked her 3 to 4 times was i wasting my time and did she want me to give up on her in that way, she replied no each time saying she needed time etc. but i wasn't wasting my time,

To me asking her that 3 or 4 times in the space of a couple of months seems really pushy to be honest. When you start seeing someone new your not going to know the first night if you want anything serious with them. It takes time to get to know people and she wanted to get to know you before she made any form of commitment to you.

I don't think this girl has done anything wrong, in fact fair play to her for not rushing into things. I suggest you calm down a bit and just go with the flow and don't read so much into everything.

Wibbs

While I see puglovers point I also see the OP's and I would be more on his side. It's yet another very common one and this version is more a woman one.

In this case the woman out of the long termer misses male company and attention and is naturally emotionally up in the air(and apparently was socially a little isolated). Enter stage right the nice guy who engages emotionally too quickly and with not enough reason to do so. He sticks around because he wants more. She wants him to stick around because he gives her a boost at a time when she needs it. She gives him mixed signals to keep him on side(mostly but not always unconsciously).

And she did give him mixed signals. Kisses and cuddles, "you're not wasting your time", emails saying that "he would get what he wanted", yet she then tells him, now that she no longer feels the need for him as much, she admits that from the start she knew she didn't feel that way about him. She no doubt used or will use the line by way of explanation, "I was confused and thought I liked you but wasn't sure, so I wanted to try, but I'm just not feeling it" or words to that effect. It's a script played out by many before, as we speak and into the future.

He naturally takes this to mean it's game on, because that's where his focus lies. If his focus was elsewhere her mixed signals would come out as "not really bothered".

So did she use him? IMHO yes she did. She knew early on it was a no go, but she gave him the idea that it may happen at some time down the line. Now we all "use" people to some degree or other. It could be argued the OP used her too as he was looking for more than kisses and cuddles.

Lest anyone thinks that I'm suggesting only women do this, men do too. Their version roughly translates as "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, but can we keep doin the wild thing and maybe down the line that'll change". Both are BS in the vast majority of cases.

OP learn from this, lick your wounds and break contact with her. Do that today. I would say to anyone, man or woman in this position to do the same. Nothing will change and the people you hear this stuff from will rarely translate into anything solid. They'll keep you hanging on with scraps, but not what you want or need. Phrases to watch for are "I'm confused", I don't know how I feel", "maybe down the line", "I'm not ready for a relationship" etc. Things to watch for are being used in one part of the a healthy relationship(sex/emotional support) but being drip fed the rest. Broadly if you're a guy and you're being used as a shoulder to cry on, but no romance or sexual activity is taking place, bale out. If you're a woman and you're having sex, but you never get emotional support and he doesn't acknowledge you publicly, again bale out.

Accept only clear intentions and actions from potential romantic partners. If you don't then while they may use you, you'll be helping them to do it.

LegacyUser

If you're only seeing someone a few months, you don't keep asking them are you wasting your time. It'd be a totally different scenario if you were going out much longer, you'd have every right to get answers to questions like that.

You've taken a few months relationship too much to heart, she didn't use you. She just wanted to get to know you, although you made it very clear to her that you felt you knew her already which might've have frightened her off a bit. I know it would scare me off. She would've been using you if she was going out with you for close on a year, she wasn't-it was only a couple of months. She decided it wasn't for her, respect her decision and move on.

Wibbs

unreg2406 wrote: »

She says now that she wants to be friends and that i mean alot to her, thats just not fair, she knows i love her...

It's not fair but it's the truth of the situation. It doesn't actually matter fi you love her. Shes not feeling it.

ive told i cant do it, we spent the night together at elec pic on friday and had the most amazing time (both of us), cuddling in the car her saying that her family and friends would love me, that im so good to her etc. i mean i know there is something there, im not just imagining it i can see it in her eyes,

No you're imagining it, because you want it to be true, but she's not helping as she's sending you mixed signals and you're running with them.

Then on Sunday i kinda went off in a huff bit upset i spose and drunk...i get a txt "you've got the love, pls come back".....i mean im tryna not read into things anymore but what are ya supposed to think of that, said it to her the next day, avioded the Q...

Going off in a huff is not a good plan. Makes you look emotionally weak. So does constantly looking for emotional reassurance from her. Kiss of death.

i know she's gonna go back to the ex who from what shes told me is a controlling manipulative ass who doesn't appreciate her anywhere near enough!!! her family all hate his guts, now ive never met the guy im only going on what she's told me...

Maybe she will go back. If she does it's because she feels it for him. Ignore all the stuff she told you, it's not important as if she does go back she feels it for him and if she's not with you romantically she just doesn't feel that for you, no matter how much her family/friends would think of you. That's a red herring.

Ah well she's moving away at the weekend, so we just gonna go for dinner on friday and that'll be it, told her i have to cut contact, and try to move on, her birthday is in a cpl weeks so ive ordered a big bouquet of flowers to her home and a note saying i miss you....that'll be the last she ever hears from me....

If it was me I wouldn't be bothered with the romantic birthday gesture. It looks like a bribe to guilt her out and while she'll likely make all the right noises about it, that's how she'll see or feel it too.

was trying to be annoyed at her hence the 1st post this morn, can't make myself tho...even tho i know it would make it so much easier for me.

You don't have to make yourself annoyed at her. Basically shít happens and you've hopefully learned from this the next time you're faced with similar.

My 2 cents. I do feel that there can be a mixed signals with this sort of thing loosely based on gender diffs and approaches. Kinda like the woman at the party giving hints to a guy she likes him. All the women probably spot her hints, but the object of her hinting doesn't and the men don't. This can be frustrating for the hinter as she feels she's being very clear. She is but not to many male eyes. As a guy if you're faced with a woman kissing and cuddling you(acting girlfriendlike), saying that down the line you'll be in a relationship with her and using the L word, the tendency is to take her at her word and miss or mistranslate the other stuff she's also saying and especially doing. Men can be serious chumps for this IME.

So when she says "My family/friends would love you" I would translate that and similar she's said in this context as "he's nice, he really is, but why don't I feel it for him?". This leads to "He is nice, so I hope my feelings may change. I dunno, but I'll hang around and see if they do. I'll even try a kiss and a cuddle to see if I feel it then. I hope I do. *time passes* "God he is nice, but it's not happening for me. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not sure how to act around him without giving him the wrong idea or upsetting him. I don't want to lose him as a mate and I don't fancy having another emotional issue to add in to the mix". Throw in a side order of "why is he pushing me for an answer? It's not black and white. I'm not sure how I feel beyond liking him and this is putting pressure on me". This will will tick a box on the side of the balance sheet against you. That would be my take anyway. She doesn't see it as using you and that's not what she is actively doing or intentionally doing. She's trying to work out her feelings. Now from your side she is using you to do that. Objectively I would say it's a little from column A and a little from column B. Maybe the ladies hereabouts can tear that apart give better counsel.

ellie1

her birthday is in a cpl weeks so ive ordered a big bouquet of flowers to her home and a note saying i miss you....that'll be the last she ever hears from me...

Cancel these flowers. There is no point in sending them. It will actually make you feel worse.

I think she proably did like you at the start and what she was saying was how she felt. Maybe she thought it could go somewhere but has changed her mind. It was not intentially hurtful towards you.

Now, i suggest the next time you meet a girl you like, you chill out with the pressure like. Asking someone constanly at the beginning of a relationship where it is going is too intense. She told you she didnt want anything serious and needed more time. And she seemed to like you therefore kisses and cuddles. You overanalysed the whole relationship and turned it into what you wanted it to be. It never was this.

I dont think she treated you badly. Rejection is hard for anyone to take. But dont allow it to turn you into a victim. There is far too many people who use the he/she treated me so badly and i loved him/her. Always have your most fullfilling relationship with yourself. Love yourself first because otherewise its impossible for someone else to love you.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP, from an older guy.

OP. from reading all of your posts you seem like a young guy who is really in need of a girlfriend, but who is so anxious to be wanted and to have someone to love that you are allowing this anxiety to overwhelm you and then allowing the disappointment to frustrate you.

Life is not simple. Our feelings are not like light switches, that we turn on or off. Sometimes girls are really not sure when we like someone as a friend or as a mate. This is life.

You have a girl here who has been pretty good with you all along. However she has clearly been a bit unsure - and that is NORMAL. On your side you have been so anxious, that you have come across too pushy and too needy Hey you are not alone in this !! :rolleyes: It is completely normal to need someone, and to need someone badly !
However we just cannot show it so clearly or it just puts girls off. And by the way when girls have the same needs, it has the same affect on guys.

Firstly please stop being angry with her. She has done nothing wrong.

Secondly try to relax, even though it is difficult. Try to take one day at a time when you meet another girl. Just enjoy their company and their affection, and stop thinking about where it is going or if you are wasting your time or anything. Just ENJOY yourself and each other.

Thirdly, please read your original post again and swap you for a girl and her for a guy - and see what it feels like. I think you will see that she has really not been unfair or bad to you at all.

All the best

LegacyUser

I know your right, ireally do...Im not that young, maybe abit immature for my age at times i suppose,
Im not mad at her really..as i said this morning just felt really bad and was trying to be...couldn't really keep it up,
I know i shouldn't have pushed things at the start, I did stop that after a while but i suppose it was too late....
I really hate that i messed up something that could have been something really special, despite what may be taken from my previous posts, we really had a blast together, had so much in common and never really argued as such, dunno i just really love her, ive never felt like this about someone before, id move hell and high water just to see her smile, i know that sounds messed up now but i cant help how i feel,
The only basis for my comments this morn was that she said she knew from the start that she nevr really saw me like that and yet continued to say she did like me upto 4 months later...its only in the last 3 months that she has distanced herself, I dont know if that is really true or just a way of making me get the message....suppose i never will!!!

In regard to the Bday present, im not expecting anything out of it...im really not, i just wanna let her know thats shes cared about and that i've not forgotten her,

I won;t lie and say that i wouldn't love it if she changed her mind and decided that she has made a mistake or whatever but i know this aint gonna happen, I will move on...ive done all i can to try and make things right, and since we've cleared the air last week we've gotten on better then ever (even tho just as friends) I DO value her that way also but i can't do it at the moment ive told her this and she says she understands....

This really is the hardest thing ive had to do....but what ye say makes sense, all i can do know is move on and try and learn my lessons, maybe its wats meant to be, just at the moment what i feel is that we are meant to be, never connected with anyone on an emotional level as this before even ex's, its just hard sometimes.....

shellyboo

Wibbs wrote: »

As a guy if you're faced with a woman kissing and cuddling you(acting girlfriendlike), saying that down the line you'll be in a relationship with her and using the L word, the tendency is to take her at her word and miss or mistranslate the other stuff she's also saying and especially doing. Men can be serious chumps for this IME.

So when she says "My family/friends would love you" I would translate that and similar she's said in this context as "he's nice, he really is, but why don't I feel it for him?". This leads to "He is nice, so I hope my feelings may change. I dunno, but I'll hang around and see if they do. I'll even try a kiss and a cuddle to see if I feel it then. I hope I do. *time passes* "God he is nice, but it's not happening for me. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not sure how to act around him without giving him the wrong idea or upsetting him. I don't want to lose him as a mate and I don't fancy having another emotional issue to add in to the mix". Throw in a side order of "why is he pushing me for an answer? It's not black and white. I'm not sure how I feel beyond liking him and this is putting pressure on me". This will will tick a box on the side of the balance sheet against you. That would be my take anyway. She doesn't see it as using you and that's not what she is actively doing or intentionally doing. She's trying to work out her feelings. Now from your side she is using you to do that. Objectively I would say it's a little from column A and a little from column B. Maybe the ladies hereabouts can tear that apart give better counsel.

Psh.

*awards Wibbs honorary ovaries*

You nailed it. I agree that she was probably banking on a certain element of "wait and see" with the guy, and I don't think it was malicious... OP, unrequited love sucks but we all go through it. It doesn't make the object of our affections bad or nasty or cruel... getting angry at them can be an easy way to get over it, but I'd imagine that deep down, you know it's just to mask your own feelings of having done something silly.

kjl

oh, man up would you, firstly do you think women are attracted to doormats?

She did nothing wrong, she didnt fancy you. full stop

She gave herself time to see if she liked you, but if she did she would have slept with you. Next time, dont let yourself be treated like a doormat and then maybe you will have a chance. Women like men who are strong alpha males, not puny little dweebs who do anything they ask, despite what the might say.

Oh and OP don't be surprised if she end up in another relationship real fast, you were the nice rebound guy for her, she is now ready to move on.

Don't be upset, we've all been there. trick is to move on

LegacyUser

unreg2406 wrote: »

In regard to the Bday present, im not expecting anything out of it...im really not, i just wanna let her know thats shes cared about and that i've not forgotten her,

I won;t lie and say that i wouldn't love it if she changed her mind and decided that she has made a mistake or whatever but i know this aint gonna happen,

since we've cleared the air last week we've gotten on better then ever (even tho just as friends) I DO value her that way also but i can't do it at the moment ive told her this and she says she understands....

You're leading yourself on now.
She has made it clear she is not interested, you are now pretending to be her friend, in the hope that she will realise how nice and caring you are and fall for you. You can't be friends with some one your in love with. So stop fooling yourself and being dishonest to her.
About the flowers you said how you feel there is no need for anything else. The flowers will only reassert the person you are to her.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

oh, man up would you, firstly do you think women are attracted to doormats?

She did nothing wrong, she didnt fancy you. full stop

She gave herself time to see if she liked you, but if she did she would have slept with you. Next time, dont let yourself be treated like a doormat and then maybe you will have a chance. Women like men who are strong alpha males, not puny little dweebs who do anything they ask, despite what the might say.

Oh and OP don't be surprised if she end up in another relationship real fast, you were the nice rebound guy for her, she is now ready to move on.

Don't be upset, we've all been there. trick is to move on

Era yeah, thanks 4 the input but i ain't changing....I am not a dweeb (and i am far from puny or little) just because i like to do somethings 4 someone, i like to make then happy (i just dont see it like that)but if thats seen as been weak then i guess i am weak....don't care it makes me happy to do things for ppl i like and love and i don't see antything wrong with dat, if ti means im gonna be on my own.....so be it! I can't or won't change who i am....and to clarify she wasn't asking me to do things i offered....if i couldn't at times do something i told her i couldn't and that was fine to....

kjl

unreg2406 wrote: »

Era yeah, thanks 4 the input but i ain't changing....I am not a dweeb (and i am far from puny or little) just because i like to do somethings 4 someone, i like to make then happy (i just dont see it like that)but if thats seen as been weak then i guess i am weak....don't care it makes me happy to do things for ppl i like and love and i don't see antything wrong with dat, if ti means im gonna be on my own.....so be it! I can't or won't change who i am....and to clarify she wasn't asking me to do things i offered....if i couldn't at times do something i told her i couldn't and that was fine to....

then enjoy spending the rest of your life in unrequited relationships

its not that you will be on your own, its that you will be walked all over by every single girl you meet. When I read you post all I could think was this guy is a loser. Sending her flowers with "I miss you" written on it, that's one of the worst ideas I have ever heard.

Dont take what Im saying as offensive, Im just telling you like it is. Women never go for guy like you, unless its for a rebound, trust me, Ive been in the same boat as you. Even if you have to act like someone who doesnt care, fair enough, that's the rules of attraction

This girl is walking all over you because you are letting her, next you will be posting how you wrote a poem for her or something. If you take any advice from this whole situation, its don't let it happen again. the way you're going on it will

LegacyUser

hjlk wrote: »

You're leading yourself on now.
She has made it clear she is not interested, you are now pretending to be her friend, in the hope that she will realise how nice and caring you are and fall for you. You can't be friends with some one your in love with. So stop fooling yourself and being dishonest to her.
About the flowers you said how you feel there is no need for anything else. The flowers will only reassert the person you are to her.

Your wrong there, ive explained that friday will be the last contact we have, its too late not to reassert the person i am to her so might aswell do something nice for her, ive said before that i am not gonna be friends with her, not at the moment anyway, thats only for my own benefit, have to be fair to myself and stop leading MYSELF on.

She has to move home and live with her parents again whichj she doesn't wanna do because she has lost her job, she will be on a downer next week so hopefully the flowers might give her a boost....as i said i aint expecting anything, i know now where i stand,

can't help but dream but i know thats all it is..maybe this time next month ill look back and laugh, i have learned from it all and will try and take that along with me...

patftrears

unreg2406 wrote: »

Era yeah, thanks 4 the input but i ain't changing....I am not a dweeb (and i am far from puny or little) just because i like to do somethings 4 someone, i like to make then happy (i just dont see it like that)but if thats seen as been weak then i guess i am weak....don't care it makes me happy to do things for ppl i like and love and i don't see antything wrong with dat, if ti means im gonna be on my own.....so be it! I can't or won't change who i am....and to clarify she wasn't asking me to do things i offered....if i couldn't at times do something i told her i couldn't and that was fine to....

You posted calling the girl a prostitute, how is that doing something nice for her.

That is weakness, you have no innate strength, you didn't get what you wanted so you started throwing a tantrum.

You are not manning up, because you refuse to accept that she doesn't want you, and are continuing to ignore what she told you and are still trying to win her love with the flowers.

You are not a nice guy, you think by acting nice you will get this girl to fall for you, you are being slimy by pretending to be her friend when the only reason is to try and get her to love you.

To be a nice guy you have to have strength and confidence in yourself and do nice things because it's who you are not to try and influence others.

LegacyUser

patftrears wrote: »

You posted calling the girl a prostitute, how is that doing something nice for her.

That is weakness, you have no innate strength, you didn't get what you wanted so you started throwing a tantrum.

You are not manning up, because you refuse to accept that she doesn't want you, and are continuing to ignore what she told you and are still trying to win her love with the flowers.

You are not a nice guy, you think by acting nice you will get this girl to fall for you, you are being slimy by pretending to be her friend when the only reason is to try and get her to love you.

To be a nice guy you have to have strength and confidence in yourself and do nice things because it's who you are not to try and influence others.

Maybe you should read my posts again, i have explained what was behind my 1st post, I am not slimy or trying to influence her in any way....i have accepted what she wants and hope nothing but happiness in her future....i am sorry but your commnets i feel are completly unfair, i felt bad myself for the first post it was more of aself defence mechanism than anything and i have already stated this.....

Wibbs

patftrears wrote: »

That is weakness, you have no innate strength, you didn't get what you wanted so you started throwing a tantrum.

None of us know him from a hole in the wall so none of us can make the call whether he's "weak" or not, or worse that he has no innate strength. All we can go on is what he told us and even there his choice of words don't automatically make him out as something weak. Especially if written in extremis.

He sounds to me like a young or relatively inexperienced guy who doesn't quite got a handle on women yet. Not so unusual, many don't, some never do and then wonder why things go tits up(goes for women understanding men too).

You win some, you lose some, but the latter is where we usually get the best lessons.

LegacyUser

patftrears wrote: »

You posted calling the girl a prostitute, how is that doing something nice for her.

That is weakness, you have no innate strength, you didn't get what you wanted so you started throwing a tantrum.

See above

continuing to ignore what she told you and are still trying to win her love with the flowers.

How is accepting what she wants and telling her that i hope she gets what she needs ignoring her -

pretending to be her friend when the only reason is to try and get her to love you.

Yeah having one last night out (as friends) so that we can say goodbye on good terms and sending her flowers for her birthday as a parting gift.....I am NOT trying to be her friend, i have stated this 2 times at least that i cant be her friend is that really that hard to understand - I take offence at your comments....you could not be more wrong

To be a nice guy you have to have strength and confidence in yourself and do nice things because it's who you are not to try and influence others.

Thanks for that you have proven my point

patftrears

unreg2406 wrote: »

I am not slimy or trying to influence her in any way....i have accepted what she wants and hope nothing but happiness in her future..

Why are you send her flowers ?

She told you she doesn't want you in a romantic sense, you agreed to be friends.

You haven't accepted what she wants, the flowers are to try and change her mind. It is slimy to go out to dinner with her on Friday pretending to be her friend, all the while you are planning the flowers stunt, it's a form of emotional blackmail.

LegacyUser

patftrears wrote: »

Why are you send her flowers ?

She told you she doesn't want you in a romantic sense, you agreed to be friends.

You haven't accepted what she wants, the flowers are to try and change her mind. It is slimy to go out to dinner with her on Friday pretending to be her friend, all the while you are planning the flowers stunt, it's a form of emotional blackmail.

Because i like her want to see her one last time before she goes and i wont see her again, flowers are something that i feel is nice to do for her on her Bday when she is in a bad place having lost her job etc. READ THE POSTS, i am not lying here, what would be the point??

I really took exception to your previous post and went to the trouble of checking other replies you have made on here.....you seem to place great stock in Alpha Male behaviour etc. Maybe it is you who is somewhat lacking in "inate strength" and confidence, and feel the need to compensate in that manner, after all it is very difficult to abuse someone on an anonimous message board....

Wibbs

OK folks lets cool the oul jets. We're all, or should be trying to help and discuss stuff. Thanks.

VaioCruiser

unreg2406 wrote: »

Era yeah, thanks 4 the input but i ain't changing....I am not a dweeb (and i am far from puny or little) just because i like to do somethings 4 someone, i like to make then happy (i just dont see it like that)but if thats seen as been weak then i guess i am weak....don't care it makes me happy to do things for ppl i like and love and i don't see antything wrong with dat, if ti means im gonna be on my own.....so be it! I can't or won't change who i am....and to clarify she wasn't asking me to do things i offered....if i couldn't at times do something i told her i couldn't and that was fine to....

I believe you are absolutely 100% right OP.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice guy, a sentimental guy, a guy who cares about people. Don't bother with people who tell you otherwise and if I were you I wouldn't get drawn into an argument about it. You are looking for help and advice here, not judgement and criticism.

My only slight caveat is that when do chose to act in this way, which I see nothing whatsoever wrong with, just make sure you know in your heart where you stand and do not get drawn into an imagined relationship. But that is just my comment from your posts, and not knowing you personally.

All the best

VaioCruiser

unreg2406 wrote: »

I really took exception to your previous post and went to the trouble of checking other replies you have made on here.....you seem to place great stock in Alpha Male behaviour etc. Maybe it is you who is somewhat lacking in "inate strength" and confidence, and feel the need to compensate in that manner, after all it is very difficult to abuse someone on an anonimous message board....

+1

patftrears

unreg2406 wrote: »

I really took exception to your previous post and went to the trouble of checking other replies you have made on here.....you seem to place great stock in Alpha Male behaviour etc. Maybe it is you who is somewhat lacking in "inate strength" and confidence, and feel the need to compensate in that manner, after all it is very difficult to abuse someone on an anonimous message board....

What you see as 'Alpha Male' I see as normal male behaviour.

unreg2406 wrote: »

Because i like her want to see her one last time before she goes and i wont see her again, flowers are something that i feel is nice to do for her on her Bday when she is in a bad place having lost her job etc. READ THE POSTS, i am not lying here, what would be the point??

Don't forget you started this thread talking about how this woman made a fool out of you.
She's a prostitute vs I love her
I'm not going to be friends with her vs Dinner on Friday
You cannot be in love with someone, not be with them, and be their friend.
You are fooling yourself and not being truthful to the person.

Being a nice guy is great, being a doormat is bad, only you have the power to be different. You feel this girl fooled you, lead you along then you have a right to be angry at her for doing that.

a) Treat yourself with some respect and don't bother with her. This does not make you not a nice guy it just means you are treating her the way she treated you.
b) Girl fooled you, lead you along, you still go back for more, buy her flowers you are a doormat and are being blinded by your unrequited love.

It's your choice, if you had behaved differently from the start this whole situation would be different and you still haven't learned from it.
nice = good
nice != doormat
nice = standing up for yourself, even if it means hurting others
nice = angry when people don't treat you with respect

kjl

patftrears wrote: »

What you see as 'Alpha Male' I see as normal male behaviour.


Don't forget you started this thread talking about how this woman made a fool out of you.
She's a prostitute vs I love her
I'm not going to be friends with her vs Dinner on Friday
You cannot be in love with someone, not be with them, and be their friend.
You are fooling yourself and not being truthful to the person.

Being a nice guy is great, being a doormat is bad, only you have the power to be different. You feel this girl fooled you, lead you along then you have a right to be angry at her for doing that.

a) Treat yourself with some respect and don't bother with her. This does not make you not a nice guy it just means you are treating her the way she treated you.
b) Girl fooled you, lead you along, you still go back for more, buy her flowers you are a doormat and are being blinded by your unrequited love.

It's your choice, if you had behaved differently from the start this whole situation would be different and you still haven't learned from it.
nice = good
nice != doormat
nice = standing up for yourself, even if it means hurting others
nice = angry when people don't treat you with respect

I have to say, I agree with this poster. The only reason you are being nice is because you want to get into her pants. You are being bi polar about this, you started off by asking how could she do this and used the word prostitute. IMHO you have no self respect, I can imagine you were severely bullied at school, because bullies pick on people who act like this.

I am a nice person too, but I don't stalk people who have said they have no interest in me romantically, because I hope that someday they may change their mind. I don't send girls romantic gifts when they have made it clear to me that thats not what they want.

And lastly, I am the kind of guy who dates your friend afterwords and she tells me the loser she went out with before.

ITS OVER, HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT MAN.

opinion guy

ok stop the lights here people. Slow way way down and lets chill out people.
I think you are all being kinda harsh on OP.

but leaving that a side for a minute, there's an aspect of this i think people are ignoring:

OP - you said she is leaving soon. Did she always know she was leaving or was that a recent thing (u said something about her losing her job) ?
Where is she going ? Is it far away ?
Has her change in what she's telling you happened after she decided to leave ?
You think maybe its something to do with the fact that she's going away ?



Hmmm I'm sorry patrfter I agree with OP. You do come across kind of as a neanderthal with your 'grow a pair of stones' type stuff

SarahSassy

so nice wrote: »

You fell for her, she gave it time to get to know you and realised she didn't have feeling for you.

Being a doormat probably had a big impact on her deciding not to want a relationship with you.

Now you show your true colours and turn nasty because you don't get what you want.

That's why woman don't like nice guys/doormats, they know most for these are not actually nice, but insecure and lack confidence, and they will turn nasty and lash out when they eventually get rejected.

+ 1

patftrears

opinion guy wrote: »

Hmmm I'm sorry patrfter I agree with OP. You do come across kind of as a neanderthal with your 'grow a pair of stones' type stuff

I never told him to grow a pair just have some basic level of self respect.

He is acting like a victim, he made choices that created this outcome, he could have made better choices and ended up with the girl. And he is continuing on the path that lost him the girl, if he steps back, puts himself first (with out resorting to calling her a prostitute) he might even get some where.

You're right, he's annoying me so much by being such a doormat/victim that I missed the job loss/having to move home bit. It could have some bearing on her reasons. Making her feel down, depressed and not wanting a relationship.

LegacyUser

Right I'll get a few things straight here, The 1st post was a mistake the "prositute" comment was said in a moment of "weakness" this morning when i was feeling especially low, i do not and could not think of her like this....it came from the fact that for FOUR months she kept saying she liked me also, i didn't ask her barr one drunken night when i did. other then that it was a case of her asking me - "why do ya even like me, ya could do so much better" - to which i would reply because your great, special etc. do ya like me or am i wasting my time here cos i dont wanna do that - invaribly the answer was no, also a convo along the lines of "why dont you just give up on me" - "Do you want me too give up on you" - "NO". All along i tried to give her space told her i wouldn't contact her but if she wanted to meet, call she did....usually that night, I told her that id back off she needed space to sort her head out, she would say, "don't be silly" we'll o for a walk later or somit....looking back i should have insisted that she take time cos i knew she wasn't ready, but i like bing with her so much that i couldn't resist.....i mean last time i stayed in her place she was straddling me telling me she really did like me but just wasn't ready, i said fine its no probs, you mean alot to me im willing to wait...She replied that it wasn't fair on me she didn't know how long it would take etc.. i didn't care, I Love her.....

then about 3 months ago after that night out of nowhere she started to distance herself, no explaination just stopped replying etc.

It was only when i cornered her last week and we finally had it out that she said she isn't into it and NEVER was, this is what has annoyed me somewhat, i mean of she never was why say she was at the beginning, i think maybe this isn't true and its a way of making me give up because i have been persistant when most would have walked away but only because i like her so much!

In regard to her moving away, its the other end of the country, but thats not the issue i dont think, saying that i invited her to elec Pic a few days b4 she found out she was let go and she was delighted and all for it....day she found out she was out she said maybe it was for the best she didn't go...said after some plodding that it was she didn't want anything to happen and only wanted to be friends, hence the clear the air talks, altough she did say a cpl of weeks earlier she wasn't over her ex...so

Look i dont think at all that its to do with her leaving, think id blown it well before that, maybe i was never in with a chance i guess ill never know for sure....

She knows how i feel, I know how she feels....we CANT be friends i have said this to her and reiterated this point on more then one occasion, i can only conclude that some of the posters on here, air a view without reading what was said throughput the thread....I am not trying to blackmail her either emotionally or any other way....i want to send her flowers because i want to make her smile when she will likely feel down.....I want to have a last dinner with her because i want to say goodbye to someone i love in a manner befitting, that is all! if this makes me weak, lacking courage or an emotional Unic then well thats what i am....id rather think that its a good thing to leave her as i met her, being "NICE" to her and making her feel better about herself when she is down...but hey what do i know right.

Thank most of you for your advise, alot makes sense and despite the pain i feel know and will no doubt be twice as bad on Saturday morning (it would actually be easier for me to walk away now but i want to have good memories of her, and for her to have good ones of me), i have learned from this whole thing...wether the hurt is worth the lessons is another question but i suppose i have to try at least find a silver lining.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

I have to say, I agree with this poster. The only reason you are being nice is because you want to get into her pants. You are being bi polar about this, you started off by asking how could she do this and used the word prostitute. IMHO you have no self respect, I can imagine you were severely bullied at school, because bullies pick on people who act like this.

I am a nice person too, but I don't stalk people who have said they have no interest in me romantically, because I hope that someday they may change their mind. I don't send girls romantic gifts when they have made it clear to me that thats not what they want.

And lastly, I am the kind of guy who dates your friend afterwords and she tells me the loser she went out with before.

ITS OVER, HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT MAN.

I used the word prostitute and i shouldn't have my point was would someone spend the night kissing etc with someone they had absolutley no interest in just so they could have something to do in a new town....I regret typing it, it was stupid, but whatever

Never stalked her, where was that said, its not a romantic gift but rather a goodbye and ill always care about you gift, i have purposely chosen flowers that are not interpreted in a romantic sense i.e. not roses etc. i buy flowers for my mother on mothers day but i dont have an incestious relationship with her!!!!

LegacyUser

Hmmmmm I'm not sure I can specualte as to why she has acted the way she did, but I will say that you don't spend that much time with someone and kiss them etc if you don't like them to some degree or on some level - but maybe its just fondness rather than anything stronger. But I do think you are overthinking it - or rather you are trying to do her thinking for her. If she doens't want to tell you anymore, she doesn't want to tell you anymore.

i think maybe this isn't true and its a way of making me give up because i have been persistant when most would have walked away but only because i like her so much

now this is dangerous territory. in that - you might be right you might be wrong, but you are never going to know unless she decides to tell you. I've previously been in situations like this and I pushed to get straight answers and you know what happened - i drove the person away altogether. you can drive yourself nuts trying to think and rethink this ****. Best advice - let it go, as anything you think beyond what she is telling you is just that - what you think - it might bear no relation to reality.



As to the not staying in contact and sending her flowers etc. Well for sure its nice to do somthing nice for someone but personally I never think flowers are a great idea....its too .....i dunno....Jane Austin or something. But mainly what I would say is this - TONE DOWN THE DRAMA!!!! ie. you love her so much you can't be her friend, you want to send big dramatic bunch of flowers etc etc. Look, whatever she truly does feel for you right now - she may not even know herself!! It sounds like she has a lot going on in her head. It takes some people along time to sort this head stuff out. Maybe her emotional clock runs ALOT slower than yours (something i've realised recently is that different people process emotions on vastly different timescales - some much faster, some much slower than I do for example). Drama is just not what she wants. So if you really do love her well you can either continue with the big dramas and the flounce of I can't be your friend and thats exactly what will happen - you won't be friends, or you can CHILL, keep your distance and just let her figure herself out. Risk is of course you invest time and still come away broken hearted. But thats kind of what love is about isn't it? Anyhow, in retrospect i wish i had done this with someone


By all means go for your dinner, but if i were you i'd forget everything else, enjoy the moment of it. i'd tone way off the drama. I wouldn't say - I can't be your friend. I know you don't mean that as a guilt-trip, but it could be the way it comes across. If you can't be her friend then just don't - people never respond well when you tell them you can't be their friend because of xyz - think about it - its a rejection of who they are - that can't achieve anything good (Wow finally after getting that very wrong myself recently I see why its a mistake. oh well. too late). I'm undecided on the flowers/birthday gesture. I think by all means do somethin nice for her birthday, but I wouldn't say anything along the lines of - i miss you - again its drama and it could be taken as a guilt trip. in fact i think if you do something i'd keep it small but thoughtful.

anyhow there was something else i was going to say but i've lost track of it

Gyalist

Look, the girl likes "bad boys" and your "nice guy" act has certainly repulsed her. If you don't believe what I'm saying, think carefully about what her saying that "my family/friends would love you" means.

tbh

OP, do you have any male friends? Do you send them flowers for their birthday?
or your mam, or any other female friends?

I have no problems with you trying to convince this girl that you're a nice enough guy to have sex with (let's call a spade a spade here, right?)

She's told you she's not interested. If you want to carry on, by all means carry on. Just don't act surprised or aggrieved when people tell you you're flogging a dead horse.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

OP, do you have any male friends? Do you send them flowers for their birthday?
or your mam, or any other female friends?

I have no problems with you trying to convince this girl that you're a nice enough guy to have sex with (let's call a spade a spade here, right?)

She's told you she's not interested. If you want to carry on, by all means carry on. Just don't act surprised or aggrieved when people tell you you're flogging a dead horse.

I don't know,........i mean my last point about sending the flowers said that I give them to my mother.....I don't feel im flogging a dead horse, the horse has bolted a long time ago...i suppose im not surprised ppl tell me this, im only surprised that they cant seem to read or acknowledge anything i say but only see waht they want to in my replies, maybe i was guilty of the same a while back in this situation so it is what it is, and i was never aggreived by that anyway, the only thing that really aggrevated me was some ppls insistance on telling me i was weak, a dweeb, lacking in strength and courage and obviuosly the victim of bullying while at school (which i was in not in anyway, which i pointed out in a previous reply that was for edited, somewhat unfairly i must say as the comments above were let show and in my opinion were an attack on my character and wholly unnessary) ....Im not gonna reply anymore i think its clear that the thread has run its course

thanks for the advice (most of it anyway)