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First post - New poem!

  • 08-09-2009 6:10pm
    #1
    quackisss
    Closed Accounts Posts: 102 ✭✭


    Hi all, this is my first post in this particular forum. I thought I'd take a punt and post up my newest poem. I'd appreciate all constructice criticism!


    This is How the World Ends

    I knew the violent thing looked wrong,
    It shivered and shook then stopped.
    I wondered if it understood
    The end its violence brought.

    It showed me all the lives it saw,
    The hate, the pain, the lot.
    I asked it, "have you never seen
    A life worth more than naught?"

    I felt the truth of what it spoke,
    It spoke of what we missed -
    "Your lives exist for nothing more
    Than This and This and This!"

    I grasped at words that I might say
    But none of truth broke through.
    Defence of a sore and needy race,
    Begged the lies I grew.

    I told it, "This and This and This,
    Accounts for half our lives.
    But none of That and Those you've seen,
    That and Those - our pride."

    It caught the lies and cried for us.
    It sang and then was gone.
    It broke us with our own mistakes,
    And killed us with a song.


Comments

  • #2
    quackisss
    Closed Accounts Posts: 102 ✭✭quackisss


    Any input at all would be nice? :)


  • #3
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    I like it! Can't give you a full critique right now, but yeah, well done for posting that :)


  • #4
    jetty1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭jetty1


    its really deep amd moving and thought provoking i liked it
    more please!


  • #5
    weiming
    Closed Accounts Posts: 58 ✭✭weiming


    I suck at reading/writing poetry. But: I liked the idea, I liked the execution. I felt the rhyme scheme was just a little bit stretched in places like the the last two lines of the fourth stanza. I did not understand the last two lines of the fifth stanza, but I would like to. I would love to read more of your stuff.


  • #6
    Benhonan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Benhonan


    I really liked it myself, great concept. I'm going to come across as being really pedantic here, but that exclamation mark at the end of the third stanza is bothering me, it makes the all powerful force in the poem seem slightly excitable and takes away from the tragic undertones of the poem. Great work though all the same!


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  • #7
    seamusique
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭seamusique


    Resonate Love, You know it feels Good.
    Don't be afraid to feel You know You should.
    Please know for sure that you'll always be alive,
    These souls of ours are buil solely to survive!!!
    1 million years is nothing where we'll be,
    Ever increasing bliss eternally!!

    YES we will find our light everlasting,
    The troubles we've had will be in the past,
    The riches we have will be in our hearts,
    The love we have shared will be built to last,

    And the sorrows we suffered won,'t be worth remark!


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