Muslim Boyfriend

newbie2009

I have a sister who has recently started seeing someone new. I have no problem with him but my parents have. My father has explicitly said that he is very disappointed in her and my mother is absolutely disgusted and refuses to adress the issue and says he is not to come within a mile of the house! The guy in question is from Saudi Arabia and is a commited muslim. I think my parents are scared my sister will end up wearing a burqa or something because certainly if this gets serious she will have to convert to Islam according to him. Other then his strict religious beliefs he seems to treat her well and respect her. She's head over heels. It's her first proper relationship with someone (she's 20) and I'm afraid if he has his way it will be her last and she'll be transported to the middle-east and we'll never see her again. Probably part of my parents disgust stems from the fact that they are practicing catholics and are disappointed she doesn't stand up for her own religion. Anyway, things would be alot simpler if they broke up but it doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon, if at all.

Zascar

If he is a very strict Muslim, then all the things mentioned above are a very destinct possibility. Make sure she knows exactly what kind of life is ahead of her as a muslim wife. There are lots of documentaries online showing the darker side of things which I'm sure would scare the pants off her

paymemymoney

Leaving the religous aspect out of it , is your sister prepared for the culture change she will have to address. If she were to move to a muslim country she will have to be prepared to accept she is a second class citizen and that life will a lot different tahn living in Ireland. She will be looking at the world thru rose tinted glasses at present as she is so madly in love.

John Mason

hmm, if your sisters bf is so devot he wouldnt be going out with a non-muslim.

also has your sister said anything about changing religons or moving country.

i think you might be over-reacting a little bit. i know a few muslin people and they are nice, respectfully people.

okay, you get the extremes but they are in a minority.

why dont you get you to know your sisters boyfriend before judging him ?

you are saying you dont have a problem with him but in the next sentence you said you are afraid that he is going to kidnap her - i am getting very mixed message from your post

kmick

First boyfriends usually dont last too long. It would be advisable for you and your parents to calm down as it will only make them closer if you are all making a song and a dance. Sit down with your parents and tell them this - chances are he will be long gone in 6 months time.

wasper

irishbird wrote: »

hmm, if your sisters bf is so devot he wouldnt be going out with a non-muslim.

Absolute rubbish

sachamama

irishbird wrote: »

hmm, if your sisters bf is so devot he wouldnt be going out with a non-muslim.

yes this is rubbish, its fun to play the field and keep things a secret from your family. if it becomes serious then he has to do the "right thing". of course, your sister could argue that she wont convert and she is going to stay the way she is, take it or leave it.

its up to her strength of character to dictate if she abandons her identity for him or not. That's why you should make sure she knows she can talk to you, so she has someone to depend on while she is making her mind up. Its always best to be a friend and disapprove without lecturing about it, so she knows that she still has you if she needs you. I think parents rejecting boyfriends out of hand for things like religious reasons spawns rebellious behaviour from their children as a direct response, whether the boy be the right one or not.

LegacyUser

irishbird wrote: »

hmm, if your sisters bf is so devote he wouldn’t be going out with a non-muslim.

I agree with this statement with some clarifications. Firstly; I should explain that I'm a Muslim and was brought up in an Islamic country so I have some understanding of the Muslim mentality..

for men in Islam it is not allowed to be with a woman unless it is your wife. so in that sense this statement is accurate but many( not all, though) Muslims live in contradiction practice the rituals but they do not stick by the rules example of these that I have noticed are :

North African Muslims doing drugs and they are believers and do practice the rituals. the middle eastern ones more into dating and going out with westerners while they claim their deep faith etc...

Not that I judge them or anything I could not care any less. But what matters in all this, is that to allow your sister to have the experience and I can guarantee you that after few months she will realize that he is not the right person and she will not be able to put up with all the bulls**** . I think it would be wise for your parents not to show any resistance and say we welcome your choice rather than all the drama and instead of allowing the fear of imaging her with a scarf and thinking that she would leave to Saudi etc...( This will not happen) she will come to her senses.

This is from a liberal Muslim

LegacyUser

Hello OP

I am currently dating a Muslim for quite some time, although now that certain things have come to light this may be about to cease - these primarily stem from predominately religious and also cultural differences.

Is your sister prepared to give up drinking, not serve alcohol in her home if she was having friends to visit, not raise her children as Catholics or ever celebrate Christmas in her home? Depending on strict interpretation of the Koran, would she be ok with having to ask her husband for permission to travel overnight anywhere?

The hijab (head covering) is not required by Islam, wearing this is driven more by cultural practices.
If he is a devout Muslim he can certainly marry 'a woman of the book' i.e. jewish or christian. Children however must be raised as Muslim, this is not negotiable if he is a devout Muslim.
If he is a strict/devout Muslim it is likely that his family are conservative and may not welcome her with open arms, even if she has converted.

There are so many things I wish I had known 2 years ago. I would recommend as a course of action to buy her some reading material about what it means to be a Muslim, or point her to a few websites about interfaith relationships - there is a lot to be learned there.

CDfm

Im with unreg here big time, you can help cut out alcohol, sausages, be obedient to her parents and dress modestly.

RacoonQueen

My friends mum married a muslim...what, 30 years ago now. She stood firm and never had to wear a burqa(even when visiting his country/family) and their children weren't raised specifically under either religion they were always bits of each. Even when my friends dad passed away, all the family and close friends were allowed into the mosque to pray for him even though in their culture that isn't allowed. Despite what many people believe, Muslims can be very accommodating to other peoples culture. Don't just ASSUME he's going to make her wear a burqa and all the other crap we know comes with being a female muslim.

Sineadg

Maybe she could have a read of this first:

http://www.meforum.org/520/us-department-of-state-marriage-to-saudis

Jack B. Badd

newbie2009 wrote: »

Probably part of my parents disgust stems from the fact that they are practicing catholics and are disappointed she doesn't stand up for her own religion.

Just because your parents are practising Catholics doesn't mean that your sister is. Also, nothing in the rest of your post indicates that she isn't "standing up for her own religion" so where is this coming from? Is she making significant adjustments already or is this just speculation on your parent's part?

Tbh, I'm a bit confused by a lot of the posts here that propose that she will be expected to change herself for her boyfriend above and beyond the norms for a person entering into a new relationship, and more so that she will automatically relinquish her personal identity. She's going out with a member of one of the major religions, not entering a cult. There will likely be adjustments to be made on both sides with regard to cultural & religious differences but it seems like there are a lot of conclusions being jumped to here with little or no evidence...

This

if she is 20 she is well able to make her own decision, weather your parents agree or not.

also at 20, most likely she will not marry this man.

you should support her in her decisions, because as you metioned your parents arent happy and im sure she is feeling the strain.

Miss Fluff

I lived in Saudi as a young teenager and let me assure you that the exoticism of living in the middle east as a non-Muslim married to a local isn't romantic or all it's cracked up to be in the idealistic mind of someone out of their teens. Saudi also happens to be one of the more fundamentalist societies. You might like to mention to her that segregation laws are adhered to to the letter in KSA so if she does decide to build a life with this guy she will in actual fact spend most of her time with other women.

That maybe is getting ahead of ourselves a bit though. Your sister is only out of her teens and the more your parents get their blood pressure up and are vocal about how unsuitable he is, the most your sister will rebel. It sounds like you may be a little older and hopefully have some influence on her. I'd be there for her, encourage her to talk (keep those lines of communication open lest she feels eloping is her an option:rolleyes:) and ever so gently manipulate her into realising that this guy isn't the only guy who will ever find her attractive.

mood

RacoonQueen wrote: »

My friends mum married a muslim...what, 30 years ago now. She stood firm and never had to wear a burqa(even when visiting his country/family) and their children weren't raised specifically under either religion they were always bits of each. Even when my friends dad passed away, all the family and close friends were allowed into the mosque to pray for him even though in their culture that isn't allowed. Despite what many people believe, Muslims can be very accommodating to other peoples culture. Don't just ASSUME he's going to make her wear a burqa and all the other crap we know comes with being a female muslim.

I bet they live in Ireland. It would be totally different if they lived in a Muslim country.

CDfm

mood wrote: »

I bet they live in Ireland. It would be totally different if they lived in a Muslim country.

I will be that too. I spent time in the Middle East and they are not liberal.

irishconvert

newbie2009 wrote: »

I have a sister who has recently started seeing someone new. I have no problem with him but my parents have. My father has explicitly said that he is very disappointed in her and my mother is absolutely disgusted and refuses to adress the issue and says he is not to come within a mile of the house! The guy in question is from Saudi Arabia and is a commited muslim. I think my parents are scared my sister will end up wearing a burqa or something because certainly if this gets serious she will have to convert to Islam according to him.

Hi newbie,

I am an Irish guy who converted to Islam.

Converting to Islam doesn't mean wearing a burqa. This is a cultral thing and is not a teaching of Islam. It is an extreme interpretation of the rule which requires women to wear a hijab (head scarf).

newbie2009 wrote: »

Other then his strict religious beliefs he seems to treat her well and respect her. She's head over heels. It's her first proper relationship with someone (she's 20) and I'm afraid if he has his way it will be her last and she'll be transported to the middle-east and we'll never see her again.

This is a legitmate fear. Well it is unlikely she will be "transported to the middle-east" as in taken against her will. But if she does go to Saudi Arabia by choice she will have virtually no rights anymore. She will more than likely have to dress head to toe in a black abaya and burqa. I have been there and it is not a nice existance for women, they are second class citizens. Again this is not a teaching of Islam, it is a Saudi cultural thing. You need to suss out this guy to see if he expects her to live in Saudi with him or if he would settle in Ireland.

irishconvert

Unregistere wrote: »

The hijab (head covering) is not required by Islam, wearing this is driven more by cultural practices.

That is not true, the hijab (head scarf to cover the hair) is required. Perhaps you are referring to the burqa which is not Islamic teaching.

irishconvert

RacoonQueen wrote: »

MEven when my friends dad passed away, all the family and close friends were allowed into the mosque to pray for him even though in their culture that isn't allowed.

Not true. Non-muslims are allowed to attend the funeral of a Muslim in the mosque.

Sonic_exyouth

newbie2009 wrote: »

I have a sister who has recently started seeing someone new. I have no problem with him but my parents have. My father has explicitly said that he is very disappointed in her and my mother is absolutely disgusted and refuses to adress the issue and says he is not to come within a mile of the house!

Creating a martyr syndrome is really not in your parents best interest.
Turning the issue into Romeo and Juliet will lead to your sister effectively relying on him. I don't believe that is really what your parents what. In reality, they are acting less mature than the girl herself.

newbie2009 wrote: »

The guy in question is from Saudi Arabia and is a commited muslim.

He's not that commited. Devout Muslims, especially Saudi ones, do not 'do' the whole girlfriend thing. They enter into arranged marraiges at a relatively early age.

newbie2009 wrote: »

I think my parents are scared my sister will end up wearing a burqa or something because certainly if this gets serious she will have to convert to Islam according to him.

He's either lying, or you misheard him.
There is no reason for her to convert.

newbie2009 wrote: »

Other then his strict religious beliefs he seems to treat her well and respect her. She's head over heels. It's her first proper relationship with someone (she's 20) and I'm afraid if he has his way it will be her last and she'll be transported to the middle-east and we'll never see her again.

You're over-reacting.
Shes only 20. Yes she's head over heels, but the idea that she'll abandon everything to go to Saudi Arabia seems unlikely, has she said this?
Also, wouldn't your parents ostracization of her and her relationship only lead to to her feeling her reasons for staying in Ireland are more limited.
If she did leave, wouldn't it be your parents fault?

newbie2009 wrote: »

Probably part of my parents disgust stems from the fact that they are practicing catholics and are disappointed she doesn't stand up for her own religion.

There is a general Catholic prohibition on mixed marraiges, or mixing yolsk I believe is how it is referred to, ut only the strictist of Catholics maintain this. There are plenty of catholics now in Mixed marraiges, and it really shouldn't be a problem if the girl is simply dating a non-catholic.

newbie2009 wrote: »

Anyway, things would be alot simpler if they broke up but it doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon, if at all.

Promoting a break up is couter productive, to say the least.