Advice needed

anonguy

I don't know where to start with this, so please bear with me if its a bit all over the place:

I've been going out with this girl for coming up to three years now. When we started going out first it was great, absolutely mad about each other, maybe me moreso than her at first. The sex was great, we never fought I couldn't believe how great it was compared to my previous relationship.

Then things started to go downhill after 9 months-1 year. She would get mad at me over what I percieved to be silly things, and tell me she wanted to break up with me. I would get up in a heap over this and spend ages talking her out of it and things would be fine again for a while. I done some stupid things aswell, admittedly, like lie to her about smoking weed(which I used do before I met her but don't anymore), or little things that I done that I knew she would get really mad about, and invariably she would find out (I can't lie to save my life) and it would be even worse.
But I learned from those mistakes and I don't keep things from her anymore. She would get mad I wasn't sending enough time with her also, so I would make more of an effort in that regard too, but its always hard for me with work, playing sport and other interests because she has no hobbies or interests and expects me to spend all my free time with her.

The arguements became more and more frequent as time passed, and she became more abusive. But I kept with it, thinkin it was just a phase and we'd get back to the way things were etc etc. She would get really mad at me and abuse me etc etc but then later she would cry and say how sorry she was. She told me she thought she was suffering from depression, and I got her to talk to someone but she didn't stick with it. She has threated to commit sucide a couple of times, and would drive off and not answer her phone, which drove me demented. She has gotten so mad that she has struck me on a number of occasions. Twice I have gone into work with a black eye, and the arguement might only be about something stupid, like me lying on my back in bed, something she freaks out over.

I have blamed a lot of this on her depression, and I always believed things would get back to the way the were. I know I'm not the perfect boyfriend by any means, by I try my best to make her happy. I don't get mad with her the same way she gets mad with me at all, but in the last while I don't tolerate her abuse as much. We moved in together two weeks ago, but she still gets really mad with me. She will abuse me, my family, hit me, everything. I don't know what to do anymore. She has said this morning that she is going moving out. Should I just let her? We still have the odd good day, but the bad days way out number the good now. It has been going on for ages now, and I couldn't tell you the amount of times I have been in tears tearing my hair out saying I won't put myself through this anymore, yet I can't ever bring myself to break up with her. I do love her, I get on great with all her family, but sometimes I wonder am I just trying to kid myself that this will work out.

I haven't managed to give all the details I would have liked to in this post, as its such a complicated bloody issue, but if someone could help me with some advice it would be great.

Silverfish

Twice I have gone into work with a black eye, and the arguement might only be about something stupid, like me lying on my back in bed, something she freaks out over

That's enough right there. You need to leave.

She may well be depressed, but regardless of what's going on, there is no excuse for hitting someone. None.

You need to leave, and then tell her she needs to sort herself out and get help.

VaioCruiser

+1 time to leave.

Wibbs

I'd have to go along with everyone else. This may sound harsh but her mental state is not your concern if it's spilling over into abuse. The fact is you're not her shrink, nor should you be. You won't be able to help her nearly as much as may have thought and generally in my humble this stuff gets worse not better as her behaviour settles into a routine. Routines, even bad ones are bloody comfortable. I'd let her go completely and let her figure her own path out. You don't need her laying down on yours and stopping you moving forward.

Vyse

I was in a simialr relationship years ago although not physically abusive (I think the most I got was a wallop across the face). You really need to walk away from this now. As hard as it may seem and as responsible as you feel it's the best for both of you. Things aren't going to change, if anything they're going to get worse.

Best of luck with everything.

ManOfMystery

I was in a very similar relationship - phsycially abusive, nit-picking everything I do, couldnt put a foot right, etc. It will NOT get better - it will get worse. Why would it get better? Your gf is in the frame of mind now that no matter what she does, you'll still stick around.

Pack your bags and leave. As already said, you're not her shrink and her giving you a black eye on 2 occasions (never mind everything else) is reason enough for you to run a mile. She's an adult and has to take responsibility for her actions, depression or no depression.

Don't expect it to be easy, she'll cry and beg forgiveness and will tell you it will never happen again - but it will. Stick to your guns

Bloody Nipples

I'd run a mile. Relationships aren't supposed to be like that.

anonguy

Deep down I know I should get out, I don't know why I don't, I just can't seem to bring myself to end it. I mentioned it to one or two of my mates when it first happened and they said exactly the same thing.

Why is it I can't just make the break???

Taltos

Should you let her leave?
I think mate you need to pack her bags right now and help her on her way out.
Then delete her number and cut all contact.

This will only get worse for you as time goes on. I mean FGS going into work with a Black eye cause you were lying on your back?

Tell her it is over. Thank her for her time and get her gone.
Also goto your local police station and ask for advice on common assault, let them know what has happened. As when she cannot hurt you physically she will more than likely try to hurt you another way. Either way - if she does this or not you need some real advise on how to cope with this. Hopefully the cops can put you in touch with a counselling service.

Seriously - leave work now - go home - put her stuff in black bags and leave it outside the front door - oh and change the locks.

Man - you have been a saint to put up with this for as long as you have but it is not going to get better.

Wibbs

Fear. fear of the unknown. Fear of leaving a known quantity. Fear you may not have this again. Fear that when you leave you'll regret it. Basic fear of "what's next?" I'm not denying love and affection is involved but I found when I was in your position, it was more the fear and I was often using the affection part as an excuse.

happyoutish

I agree with the others.. but I do feel sorry for this girl if she is suffering from depression, you say she has no hobbies/interests maybe she should find something she likes to do. She obviously has to much time on her hands and is thinking to much which (maybe) builds this anger up!

Deep down maybe you do want to leave but are to scared because she has threatened suicide. Always remember "you are not responsible for another persons actions"

Maybe counseling together might help? But really at the end of the day there is no excuse for hitting!

I hope you figure things out..

metrovelvet

anonguy wrote: »

Deep down I know I should get out, I don't know why I don't, I just can't seem to bring myself to end it. I mentioned it to one or two of my mates when it first happened and they said exactly the same thing.

Why is it I can't just make the break???

Because you have been told for so long that you are a worthless piece of **** and your self esteem is so low you don't have the will or spirit to leave.

That is the vicious cycle of domestic abuse.

I dont know if this will work for you - but take some time out go to a private space and sort of mediate and gather a certain kind of momentum, galvanise whatever is left of your will, and commit yourself to three steps, just three easy steps.

1. pack

2. open the door

3. walk away

If possible have a friend with you to back you up or for support or even as a witness.

Just think of it as three easy steps for the time being. The hard stuff comes later, you can deal with it later. For now just the three easy steps.

If you need to, think of it as an act of love, because now she will be forced to face her shadows rather than hang them on you. If you have to think of this as doing this for her, then do so.

Peggypeg

Hey,

I'm a girl, if I posted and said my boyfriend is always yelling at me, has given me a black eye, threatens suicide and gives out to me for things like lying in bed, what would you say to me? You'd tell me to leave, wouldn't you? And you'd be right. Some people seem to be under the immpression that domestic violence is only ever aimed at women, this is completely untrue, men are regularly victims of domestic violence and it's no less serious when it's the woman doing the hitting. There's a support group for male victims of domestic violence called "amen" you should look into it.

Either way leave, leave as soon as you can.

Big hugs to you.

Muggy Dev

anonguy wrote: »

But I learned from those mistakes and I don't keep things from her anymore.

Chilling....but I'm at a loss to understand why you moved in together as late as two weeks ago.

SarahSassy

anonguy wrote: »

She has gotten so mad that she has struck me on a number of occasions. Twice I have gone into work with a black eye, and the arguement might only be about something stupid, like me lying on my back in bed, something she freaks out over.

If this was a girl complaining about a guy treating her like that, people would be baying for his blood. She should have been prosecuted after this.. Why are you allowing this happen? She is a violent bully. Not acceptable and you deserve better.

CDfm

Anonguy - there is a support group for Male Victims of DV www.amen.ie

Domestic Violence is never justifiable irrespective of gender. When we go to work we do not assault our co-workers etc.

anonguy

I moved in because I thought it would be good for us. She always gives out that I don't spend enough time with her.

It just made the situation worse though, in that she expects me to spend even more time with her now.

Thank you to eveyone for their advice. I still don't know what I'm going to do, I can't bring myself to walk away, even though I know I should and I don't want to be stuck in this situation as it currently stands.

What do you do when someone starts hurting themselves and threatening to do worse? I'm not able for it.

Peggypeg

Ahh sweetie, feeling really sorry for you. You seem to feel fairly trapped. She seems to be a controlling violent bully. This situation is only get worse from the sounds of it. You're saying it's gotton worse since you moved in and that she wants you to spend even more time with her. She sounds like a very unhappy person, you being there all the time will not change that. I really don't think this is something you'll be able to make any better by staying with her. You really really really need to leave, again just read back you OP and imagine it's a girl saying it, it's not any different for a guy. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse and that's what your GF is engaging in. Maybe you could talk to your parents or close friends about this. I really do think sweetie that you need to leave.

ellie1

She has said this morning that she is going moving out. Should I just let her?

YES

What do you do when someone starts hurting themselves and threatening to do worse? I'm not able for it.

She is threatening to hurt herself in an attempt to control you so that you wont leave her. So if you want to contnue to be controlled , manipulated and abused , stay with her. Its not going to get any better. In fact it could get worse.

You deserve better and she deserves somebody who will not enable her to continue with this type of behaviour that she displays.

CDfm

OP you have hooked up with a looper by the sounds of it.

There is a very good book called Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward and its almost used as a workbook for people in abusive relationships where people threaten stuff. Its written for women but dont let that put you off bullies and abusers act the same no matter what gender they are.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972


There is also a racier book written by Mary Cleary of Amen Ireland

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/

The title puts people off but I have posted the download questionaire from the site on boards and women have used it sucessfully.

The books will only cost 10 or 15 euro each.

Ellie1 above has no problem saying the situation is wrong. You shouldnt have to think that it is but should be as definate as her. Any doubts just read up on it and you will understand the why.

metrovelvet

anonguy wrote: »

What do you do when someone starts hurting themselves and threatening to do worse? I'm not able for it.

Sometimes you have to let them. Its like a toddler who holds his/her breath and gets himself to pass out s/he wants you to do or not do something. It's a control tactic. Give in once and you're lost forever.